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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To rehome a dog when DH doesn't like dogs

527 replies

butterflyparadise · 06/09/2017 09:48

Please help me. I have 2 other threads running about this through a couple of stages of my situation.

Long story short (more background in my other threads) I had a dog with my ex, Bella, she is a cross breed who is approx 12. Ex kept her but now he's moved abroad with work and can't take her which was the original plan. Bella has been in kennels for a few months.

My DH and I have preschool twins and a cat. I have exhausted all rehoming options with friends/family. I had hurdles to overcome before I could consider rehoming her myself.

I love this dog, she was my baby. DH does not like dogs. He listened to me and how I felt about Bella and her situation. Taking her ourselves wasn't a distinct possibility until now. So we've not needed to have a proper chat about it as all the obstacles were reasons not to take her. These have all been sorted, we could take her.

DH has now said he doesn't want to. He says we're on complete opposites about it. I like dogs, he doesn't. I have an emotional attachment to her, he doesn't. He doesn't like the noise, the clattering of claws on laminate, the barking goes right through him, being tied to having to get back to a dog etc. The walks, the extra responsibility etc. I see these as things we just have to deal with and overcome.

He says he'd do it but only because he knows it would make me happy.

He's stressed at work and in general, he's been pretty miserable lately as a whole.

Now I'm in limbo. We wouldn't be taking right away, there would be a transitional period for everyone to get used to everyone and she would stay in kennels until then.

I've asked if we could take her as an interim and see if we could rehome her to someone else but at least getting her out of kennels. And with me secretly hoping DH would let us keep her.... He replied that I wouldn't want to give her up.

AIBU to take her despite DH's feelings?

OP posts:
honeyroar · 25/09/2017 20:48

Interesting. That would tie in with the barking when the children are eating too.

I wonder if you could make her a safe place in a large crate with her bed in it, covered in a blanket? So she can be with you all but away from everything.

Herechickychicky · 25/09/2017 20:57

Can you designate one room as her calm room for now and put a stairgate on it? Put her bed and toys in there, keep the radio on low for some continual gentle noise and go in and out frequently, then bring her out first thing and last thing when kids are asleep until they all get used to each other?

It won't be forever.

Booboostwo · 26/09/2017 20:28

Potentially this is a very serious issue. Getting professional advice is much more urgent now.

Meanwhile never leave the dog unattended with your DCs, create a safe space for the dog (crate to separate room), use stairgates to keep them apart, teach the kids to give the dog a lot of space. Depending on how stressed Bella is your DCs could try throwing treats in her direction, but they should let her go to the treats rather than trying to feed her directly ( the latter could be overwhelming for avstressed dog).

Original poster
butterflyparadise · 27/09/2017 01:05

We had a night away booked for today so I booked Bella in with a home boarder who has 20 plus years experience with dogs.

She called me 3 hours later saying we must go and pick her up because she was peeing continuously in the home sand wouldn't stop barking. She said she'd been fed, walked and had company but she would not settle.

The vet said I wouldn't get an appt with the bahaviourist for at least a week!

It is horrendous. She barks and is on edge all day long. We've been sleeping in the living room every night with her as otherwise she just barks. If either of us leaves for work at 6.30 she goes mental and then every one is up.

She was never like this before. I really think the kennels have created some lasting damage. I was really worried the other day that she was going to go for one of my kids.

OP posts:
LassWiTheDelicateAir · 27/09/2017 01:12

Putting her into another strange environment so soon was not a good idea no matter how experienced the home boarder was. Bella has only just got you back after her life having been turned upside down for months and then she lost you again as far as she was concerned.

Could she sleep in your room?

Original poster
butterflyparadise · 27/09/2017 01:14

I spoke to my ex today and explained the situation and that I'm not sure I could give Bella the time she needs to overcome this because I'm worried about my children. His answer was put her back in the kennels with no other solution?!

OP posts:
ShmooBooMoo · 27/09/2017 01:18

Can't RTFT but please don't put her back in the kennels. She's been through so much already :(

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 27/09/2017 01:21

It would be heartless and cruel to put her back in kennels. It sounded as if you were making progress which you have then undone by leaving her with another stranger. I feel so sorry for her.

CottonEyedJoe · 27/09/2017 01:35
Sad
ShmooBooMoo · 27/09/2017 01:39

Awww, poor doggy is old and doesn't know whether she's coming or going :( Not to criticise, but if you had a night away booked, why didn't you wait until you'd been away before bringing her home? She was clearly already quite a nervous dog and she's an old girl. The barking is partly down to having been in a stressful environment in kennels (after separation from her owner and then being passed around!), then coming to you with all that involves ie new people, a cat, new environment, sounds, routines, rules! I wouldnt even have taken her to the groomer's so soon tbh. It's all too much.
She'd finding her paws and trying to make sense of her new world. Boarding her so soon after her arrival was a big mistake, I think. Honestly, give her some time. She will calm down if her life stabilises. Ask your children to be thoughtful around her and give them rules to follow. Ask your vet, as a PP said , about anxiety medication and, yes, do get some professional help. It'll all be worth it to make this lovely girl's last few years happy.
I know it's hard OP but it will get better.

NoSquirrels · 27/09/2017 07:36

Have a read of this:

https://positively.com/dog-behavior/behavior-problems/stress/

Poor old girl. And poor you & family too, it sounds terrible. The night away was a mistake, but it's dine now. Please try to keep things "normal" for a while.

Are your DC at school or still at home all day? Does she get respite from them? I know you wanted her downstairs, but would being up there in a bedroom be less stressful for her? I'd certainly get some xylene or adaptil ASAP.

If she goes back to the kennels she won't come out Sad

Might you contact Black Retriever X? They might have/know a good fosterer who could help. They do take older dogs, and flatcoats are their remit.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 27/09/2017 08:06

I fostered my elder ds dog when his relationship broke down, ddog stayed with us for 3 months and then I tried to rehome him. . Ended up in the kennels after hitting dead ends trying to find someone myself. Unfortunately the kennels did him no favours and he did have to be pts after suffering an emotional breakdown (their words) . Seemed the moving about and kennel situation was just too much for him. . He was only 4, can imagine at Bella's age the stress would be much greater. Poor old girl, I feel for you - it's such a responsibility when things don't go well. . I hope you find a solution. . And good on your dh for being supportive.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 27/09/2017 08:13

The poor dog must be so anxious Sad

Get her to the vets, but in the meantime, no more nights away! She’s old and she’s moved around a lot recently - going away for the night was probably the worst thing for her.

I would have her up in the bedroom with you for now. I know you don’t want it to, but it’s got to be better than sleeping in the living room! Make sure she has somewhere to go away from the DC - crate with her favourite blanket and toys, covered over the top so she had a “safe” space?

It will get better - but Bella is old and anxious and is all over the place learning about her new home and be people. It takes animals a long time to settle into new homes.

Original poster
butterflyparadise · 27/09/2017 08:18

Yes the night away was too soon Sad

I will not be putting her back in kennels. I told DH what my ex had said and he was really shocked and said no way could she go back there. He did admit to me that he's struggling though.

I'm going to phone the vets this morning. Nothing calms her down and she's in a state of frenzy all day. The only way to get her to stop barking is by walking her round with her lead on. I can't sit down at all without her starting. I'm snapping at the kids and don't have any time to spend with them. It is so hard.

Hopefully the vet can help me today.

OP posts:
DressedCrab · 27/09/2017 08:20

You can't run your lives around a dog. It's unfair on all of you, to say nothing of the poor cat. I'd be very worried about it going for the DCs.

nakaji · 27/09/2017 08:46

If this dog means more to you than your DH - take the dog. If the other way around. - don't. You don't want the dog to be miserable in a kennels - understandable - but you'd let your husband be miserable in his own home? It's unfortunate but putting the dog before your DH is a recipe for disaster.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 27/09/2017 08:55

If this dog means more to you than your DH - take the dog. If the other way around. - don't. You don't want the dog to be miserable in a kennels - understandable - but you'd let your husband be miserable in his own home? It's unfortunate but putting the dog before your DH is a recipe for disaster

Have you actually read the thread? The OP's husband is being supportive of trying to calm Bella's anxieties and let her stay.

lotsofdogshere · 27/09/2017 08:59

What a tough situation for all of you. Can the vet prescribe something to help the dog calm down as a shorter term measure. The dog has been traumatised by being kennelled and leaving her with another new person so soon won't have helped, though I'm not criticising just stating the obvious.
She needs to have space away from the children. A utility room is ideal if you have one, with a child gate to keep the dog in and the children out.

You can buy adaptil type products that are supposed to help calm anxious dogs but to be honest, I've never found they're helpful. The Dogs Trust may be able to offer advice to prevent your dog going back into kennels. They also re-home elderly dogs if you decide her needs are just not compatible with your family. Best of luck.

TheHoundsofLove · 27/09/2017 09:00

I've not posted before, but have been reading your thread and was really rooting for you all. I really hope that your vet has some helpful suggestions.
Have you tried Adaptil yet (I know that a few other posters have recommended it too)? I was very sceptical about it, but I've got a very anxious old Lab and the plug-in really works well for him. I know it doesn't work for every dog, but, when it does work, it seems to really work, so is worth trying.

Have you created her a safe 'den' away from the hustle and bustle of the children? A room with a baby gate would be ideal? I think that she will calm down once she feels more secure, but it is important for her to have her own space until she is happy around the children.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 27/09/2017 09:02

The vet should be able to prescribe something for her anxiety. Even if you can’t see a specialist yet, your regular vet should be able to give her something to calm her in the meantime.

Your DH sounds like a good egg too.

Original poster
butterflyparadise · 27/09/2017 09:04

Thank you to everyone for your advice.

We have had the plugin since before she arrived. I will get a collar today and just about to call the vet to see if they can prescribe her something.

I can't separate them without me being with the dog and the children want to be with me.

I will also call the dogs trust for advice.

OP posts:
nakaji · 27/09/2017 09:09

@LassWiTheDelicateAir

I had just read the first page - haven't been here in long time and used to a different format - realised my mistake but couldn't work out how to delete my message. Apologies.

Can't work out how to quote here either. Need to go and educate myself

TheHoundsofLove · 27/09/2017 09:10

It's a shame that the Adaptil hasn't helped... Is there no space that you can section of with a baby gate?

TheHoundsofLove · 27/09/2017 09:12

off

Catsrus · 27/09/2017 10:42

I second the advice to contact Black retriever X rescue - they are hugely experienced in rehab of flatcoats and FC type dogs. They will give you good, honest advice based on what's best for the dog. I've had 11 dogs, seven of them flatcoats, five were rescue. On top of that there were two rescues that didn't work out, both because I thought they were a danger to my children or my other animals. You have multiple responsibilities here, but your first is to your children. Don't take risks with them for a dog especially when there are other options for her.