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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To rehome a dog when DH doesn't like dogs

527 replies

butterflyparadise · 06/09/2017 09:48

Please help me. I have 2 other threads running about this through a couple of stages of my situation.

Long story short (more background in my other threads) I had a dog with my ex, Bella, she is a cross breed who is approx 12. Ex kept her but now he's moved abroad with work and can't take her which was the original plan. Bella has been in kennels for a few months.

My DH and I have preschool twins and a cat. I have exhausted all rehoming options with friends/family. I had hurdles to overcome before I could consider rehoming her myself.

I love this dog, she was my baby. DH does not like dogs. He listened to me and how I felt about Bella and her situation. Taking her ourselves wasn't a distinct possibility until now. So we've not needed to have a proper chat about it as all the obstacles were reasons not to take her. These have all been sorted, we could take her.

DH has now said he doesn't want to. He says we're on complete opposites about it. I like dogs, he doesn't. I have an emotional attachment to her, he doesn't. He doesn't like the noise, the clattering of claws on laminate, the barking goes right through him, being tied to having to get back to a dog etc. The walks, the extra responsibility etc. I see these as things we just have to deal with and overcome.

He says he'd do it but only because he knows it would make me happy.

He's stressed at work and in general, he's been pretty miserable lately as a whole.

Now I'm in limbo. We wouldn't be taking right away, there would be a transitional period for everyone to get used to everyone and she would stay in kennels until then.

I've asked if we could take her as an interim and see if we could rehome her to someone else but at least getting her out of kennels. And with me secretly hoping DH would let us keep her.... He replied that I wouldn't want to give her up.

AIBU to take her despite DH's feelings?

OP posts:
SealSong · 07/09/2017 18:56

Glad to hear this update OP. Your DH is kind to consider this. Bella sounds a dear, and hopefully she will grow on your DH.
So happy for Bella to hear this.

SealSong · 07/09/2017 18:59

Re your cat, a helpful thing to do might be to get a stair gate and make the upstairs out of bounds to Bella, so that your cat has somewhere peaceful to escape to if it wants. Provide a litter tray upstairs also. That may help a lot.

Original poster
butterflyparadise · 07/09/2017 19:11

@SealSong this is the plan. We already have stair gates in the kitchen, bottom and top of the stairs for the kids - we've just never taken them off! The upstairs will be for the cat and we'll get another one for the living room to the hall so Bella can get the downstairs and can be closed on the living room/extension when required and the cat can access the kitchen with her food and cat flap without Bella being able to get to her.

Going to get Adaptil and Feliway plug ins and have some short visits for them to get used to the others smell before they even clap eyes on each other.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/09/2017 19:12

I think we should place bets as to how long before your DH is a dog convert and besotted...

SealSong · 07/09/2017 19:14

Please post a pic of Bella once she's home with you Smile

zwellers · 07/09/2017 19:16

Or how long before ops on here because dh wants the dog gone but she and the kids won't let that happen

Mulch · 07/09/2017 19:18

Please update us with pics op

WillowKnicks · 07/09/2017 19:22

Brilliant news!!!

Just out of nosiness interest, what breed of dog is Bella?

lucydogz · 07/09/2017 19:22

I am a dog lover and I think YABVU

Original poster
butterflyparadise · 07/09/2017 19:23

Lol. My DH likes a flutter so he'd be up for putting a cheeky bet on Grin He's got a terrible record so as he'll likely go for wanting us to rehome I'll happily take the me and kids want her to stay one!

I promise I'll post pics.

OP posts:
Original poster
butterflyparadise · 07/09/2017 19:26

Bit late to the party @lucydogz Grin

@WillowKnicks she's a cross flat coated retriever, vet thinks with a collie. She has the temperament of a flattie 💖

OP posts:
lucydogz · 07/09/2017 19:28

I don't think so, i've said so at other points in the thread. But I don't think you were listening to anyone who disagreed with you (especially your dh)

VelvetKnickers · 07/09/2017 19:33

These threads always descend craziness. Why do people find it so hard to fathom that someone might not enjoy owning a dog? My DH has a dog. It stinks, sheds everywhere and I get no fucking pleasure from its existence at all. I wouldn’t wish any ill health on the dog and my DH loves owning one but I would be lying if I said I wouldn’t be happier if we didn’t have a dog.

Why does that make me a horrid person is some peoples eyes? Nobody would give a fuck if it was a cat Grin

VelvetKnickers · 07/09/2017 19:40

And being someone who took on the dog to respect my DH’s wishes- you don’t always ‘come around’ to the idea. And I would be lying if I said I don’t have moments where I resent DH for having to share my home with a dog. It’s actually caused a lot of underlying tension (like now for example when I can hear it licking it’s arsehole 100 mile an hour)

For someone who doesn’t like dogs and doesn’t find them endearing the way dog lovers do they are not pleasant animals to share a home with. That’s not nastiness. It’s just people liking different things

RandomMess · 07/09/2017 19:46

I think it's different if someone is already a cat lover, people often think there is a huge difference between the two but there isn't.

It probably helps that our dog is small and his cats are large...

Flat coats are a short lived breed Sadbut hopefully she will have a lovely few golden years with you all.

Original poster
butterflyparadise · 07/09/2017 19:54

I was listening @lucydogz I came home from work with the intention of speaking honestly to DH and not skirting around the subject. I took on board everyone's comments. I spoke plainly about what having a dog entails and didn't sugar coat it. I was at the point where I knew this was the conversation that decided it and was going to go with my husband's final thoughts on it. He wants to give it a go and of course I'm glad about that. I can be satisfied I tried my best. He's got reservations but he's thinking worst case scenario about all aspects of bringing her into our home. We won't know the full impact until she's here.

OP posts:
MorgaineLeFay · 07/09/2017 20:02

I'm so glad to see your update! I was just about to come on and say, go, go get the dog now!

And that's speaking as someone who until fairly recently wasn't even that keen on dogs. I now have my own beloved dog and he is the sunshine of my life ❤️

If your DH is as good a person as you say he is, he will love Bella and will be glad she came to you.

Good luck, can't wait to see pics! 😊

MiddleClassProblem · 07/09/2017 20:47

I'm sure pp and the vet have said this but make sure you give the cat plenty of time to get used to it. It can take weeks, sometimes longer for things to settle. The main thing is that Bella doesn't go for the cat but it make be weeks before they even meet so softly, slowly x

Freyka · 07/09/2017 20:58

How can so many people be so unfeeling to poor 12 year old dog stuck in the kennel. She did nothing wrong and she loved everybody for 12 years. Take the dog please, how will you live with yourself?

honeyroar · 07/09/2017 21:25

Velvetknickers I don't think most people pro Bella would say he has to like dogs, or its wrong to not want a dog. If this had been a thread about OP just wanting a random dog and her husband not wanting one I'd be in the no camp, but this is a preloved existing dog that's probably only got a couple of years to live desperately needing a home. It's the same as you not wishing harm or illness on your husband's dog. You're not doing it because you like dogs, you're doing it for your spouse, and once that dog is gone you have a very good arguement for never having another. I actually admire you and the OP's husband for doing that.

As for Lucydogz being a dog lover, it sure hasn't shown in this thread, particularly when you said we have no moral responsibility to looking after pets.

catsrus · 07/09/2017 21:32

Flatcoats are the most wonderful dogs, if they have owners who understand them. They are the Peter Pan of the dog world, eternally optimistic about life and adore children. I can totally understand how she would have captured your heart, I've had seven of them :-) including two oldies rehomed at 8.5 and 10.5 . There is a very active group of Flatcoat people involved in rescue. IF this doesn't work out OP (I really hope it does) please, please get in contact with Mary Haines at the independent Flatcoated retriever rehoming (IFRR) they have an active Facebook page. Because she's a cross breed you can also try Black Retriever Cross rescue (BRX). They also are active on Facebook. Jemima Harrison runs this, she's had flatcoats and FC crosses herself. Most of the dogs she rehomes are retriever x collies from Ireland, but a dog in Bella's situation is exactly the kind of dog she's great at getting the perfect home for. Jemima works closely with Mary.

I would take on an older Flatcoat or Flatcoat X in a heartbeat - and there are lots of breed enthusiasts out there who also would. I'm on the waiting list for rescue and have been since my FC boy died in Jan, so please don't think there are no options - there are knowledgeable homes waiting.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/09/2017 21:35

Wonderful news!

And flatties are lovely dogs! Very beautiful and very sweet-natured and gentle (Collies are lovely too, but more bouncy)

As flatties are a short-lived breed (8-10 years according to my neighbour, who has had three) and collies long-lived (15-16 on average), you can probably split the difference and get her to about 14 years.

I hope all goes well for you, Bella and your family. You will also know that you've done your best, whatever the outcome.

You may not convert your DH to the World's Greatest Dog-Lover, but with luck he will at least become the World's Most Tolerant Dog-Lover's Husband for the duration of Bella's life.

Have some Flowers.

Original poster
butterflyparadise · 07/09/2017 21:41

@catsrus thank you so much for your informative post. Bella is such a happy and unassuming girl. So gentle and loving and still thinks she's a pup! She actually makes my heart swell. I love watching her out on walks and feel such joy seeing her having fun dashing about interested in all the sights and smells around.

I'll have a look into the info you've posted out of interest.

OP posts:
Catsrus · 07/09/2017 22:09

IFFR https://www.facebook.com/groups/648869595124267/
BRX https://www.facebook.com/BlackRetrieverXRescue/?fref=ts

If you want to chat any more just PM me. I'm in the south East and seriously very happy to help. I adore flatcoats - this is the longest I've been without one in 30yrs. They really do steal your heart - it's quite astonishing Smile

Frequency · 07/09/2017 22:16

What I don't get is why it's always a given for the non-dog person to get their way.

These threads are all the same, full of people siding with the non-dog person, stating it wouldn't be fair etc. What about fairness to the other person? For me a dog is a must have. Walking alone in the woods with my dog keeps my depression at bay, it's soothing, it picks me up when I have a bad day, watching him mooch about makes me happy. I need a dog.

If I ever gave up the single life and my partner declared I couldn't have a dog, I'd leave and I'd also question why their happiness came above mine.