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AIBU?

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Original poster

To rehome a dog when DH doesn't like dogs

527 replies

butterflyparadise · 06/09/2017 09:48

Please help me. I have 2 other threads running about this through a couple of stages of my situation.

Long story short (more background in my other threads) I had a dog with my ex, Bella, she is a cross breed who is approx 12. Ex kept her but now he's moved abroad with work and can't take her which was the original plan. Bella has been in kennels for a few months.

My DH and I have preschool twins and a cat. I have exhausted all rehoming options with friends/family. I had hurdles to overcome before I could consider rehoming her myself.

I love this dog, she was my baby. DH does not like dogs. He listened to me and how I felt about Bella and her situation. Taking her ourselves wasn't a distinct possibility until now. So we've not needed to have a proper chat about it as all the obstacles were reasons not to take her. These have all been sorted, we could take her.

DH has now said he doesn't want to. He says we're on complete opposites about it. I like dogs, he doesn't. I have an emotional attachment to her, he doesn't. He doesn't like the noise, the clattering of claws on laminate, the barking goes right through him, being tied to having to get back to a dog etc. The walks, the extra responsibility etc. I see these as things we just have to deal with and overcome.

He says he'd do it but only because he knows it would make me happy.

He's stressed at work and in general, he's been pretty miserable lately as a whole.

Now I'm in limbo. We wouldn't be taking right away, there would be a transitional period for everyone to get used to everyone and she would stay in kennels until then.

I've asked if we could take her as an interim and see if we could rehome her to someone else but at least getting her out of kennels. And with me secretly hoping DH would let us keep her.... He replied that I wouldn't want to give her up.

AIBU to take her despite DH's feelings?

OP posts:
honeyroar · 07/09/2017 16:03

But it's not just getting a dog, it's getting an elderly dog for, let's face it, probably two years - a dog that someone you love is heartbroken over, a dog that got on well with your kids.. It's the fact that he won't put himself out at all for his wife. It could be arranged so she and the kids took care of Bella and he didn't have to do anything, it could be arranged that Bella stayed in the kitchen (you'd probably find the kids did too!), it could be made feasible without being too much of an upheaval. I couldn't be with such an uncaring man. I saw a dog get hit by a car on the motorway once, I caught it, it was badly hurt. I rang my husband and he was like "bring it home, we'll sort something out (I couldn't find a local vet, it was pre internet on my phone).

OP what area are you in? I wonder if anyone would know a dog boarder that would take Bella rather than a kennels, it would cost similar. In my area I'd know a few..

Headofthehive55 · 07/09/2017 16:13

I couldn't be with someone who was so uncaring towards me that they made me live with a dog!

Frequency · 07/09/2017 16:17

I couldn't be with someone who was so uncaring towards me that they made me live with a dog!

But OP should be with someone who is so uncaring they'll force her to condemn a pet she's loved and cared for, has an existing bond with to spend it's last few years lonely and unloved in a kennel?

That's not a man I'd even want a friendship with, much less a marriage. Fair enough, if this was just some random dog she'd found on the internet, but it's not. OP already loves this dog. She tolerated his cat for his sake. He can tolerate her dog.

callmeadoctor · 07/09/2017 16:20

I don't understand your husband, regardless of the time past the dog is yours. Therefore it is your responsibility, your ex has certainly done his bit and I can completely understand him wanting you to look after your dog now. I would have told my husband that my ex is no longer able to look after MY dog, so it is now my responsibility. I would not stay without someone that would be so heartless towards a defenceless dog that has done absolutely nothing wrong.

callmeadoctor · 07/09/2017 16:22

A long term home boarder may be the solution though.

Headofthehive55 · 07/09/2017 16:24

I think you would have a point if she was already living with the dog.
But to all intents and purposes it is not her dog, and she was aware that he didn't want to have a dog. He never saw her as a person with a responsibility towards a dog.

Forcing him to accept a dog is uncaring in that circumstance.

OldRhinestoneMe · 07/09/2017 16:32

A dog is stinky and a huge commitment whether you have a wife with a connection to it or not. I'm still going to be on edge in my own home with an animal with sharp teeth around my children, never able to relax. I'm still going to have a smelly home, with fur and snot and slobber everywhere. Not everyone wants this, and I can't believe the dog lovers can't grasp this.

19lottie82 · 07/09/2017 16:42

I'm guessing all the people saying to just take her, are dog lovers?

19lottie82 · 07/09/2017 16:43

But OP should be with someone who is
so uncaring they'll force her to condemn
a pet she's loved and cared for

So much so she hasn't even made an effort to see it in the past 6 years? Hmm

BiteyShark · 07/09/2017 16:51

19lottie82 I'm a dog lover and I am saying don't take her unless her DH agrees (without emotional blackmail).

My real concern is only the OP knows how strong her marriage is and how against dogs her DH is. People split up for less.

user1497997754 · 07/09/2017 16:52

Whatever happened to the old saying A dog is for life....not just for Christmas......

TatianaLarina · 07/09/2017 16:55

You could say the same of husbands...

GahBuggerit · 07/09/2017 16:55

I cant believe all these elderly dogs with all their teeth still, who need 2 walks a day, piss all over the house, have never ending shits, snot all over the place (in all my dog years Ive not once seen a dog with snot) and slobber all over the show, with clattering claws, bark endlessly, that stink the house out more than a cat and moult their entire coats daily resulting in endless hoovering.

Domestic old dog in its twilight years? Or Never Ending Story Dog in its prime? Because I think perspective may be required for some Grin

BiteyShark · 07/09/2017 16:56

A dog is for life which means when you make the decision to get a dog you need to make sure you fully understood all it entails and are on board with it. This dog has not lived with the OP for years and it isn't as if she visited it either.

Her DH doesn't want the dog for life commitment. The OP hasn't said what her circumstances are but if this is a deal breaker for her DH would she be able to remain housed with the dog if they split?

MiddleClassProblem · 07/09/2017 17:10

Thinking of you and Bella, OP. No idea how you are coping with the change from him putting the treats in the trolley to now saying it's probably a no.

I think you need to ask him calmly and rationally why he was so positive after their meeting. Why was he getting the treats if he had reservations it did the reservations one back after?

Frequency · 07/09/2017 17:39

My dog has is twelve. He has all his teeth. He could manage two walks a day but is happiest with an hour ambling around the woods.

He shits twice a day, morning and afternoon. I also have never experienced a snotty dog.

He barks once a day, when the icecream van goes past. He used to bark at the door but he's going a bit deaf now and doesn't always hear the door.

When he's not in the woods, shitting or barking, he's sleeping. That's what old dogs do. They sleep. A lot.

Original poster
butterflyparadise · 07/09/2017 18:18

UPDATE: DH brought it up this afternoon (which is a first!), we discussed it and he did most of the talking and he said YES!!!!!! I asked him if it would be so intolerable having a dog and he said what's intolerable is seeing you so upset, you know I'd do anything for you.

Seemingly the treats thing at the supermarket was his way of saying let's do it but because I wasn't very receptive (I was like is this a joke??) it didn't have the desired effect and left us both confused.

In an ideal world he doesnt want this, he's really worried about how the cat will take it and concerned she might run away (the guilt if that happened!) but he's still saying he will help to look after her etc as she will be coming in as the family dog.

DH then asked the twins if they wanted Bella to live with us. They said yes! And asked when, DH said maybe a couple of weeks while I said she'll come for a visit on Sunday Grin

So happy!!

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 07/09/2017 18:26

Glad you reached a happy ending OP 😊

19lottie82 · 07/09/2017 18:28

PS I'm sure the cat will be fine. It will prob get the hump for a bit but generally I find dogs don't bother cats, and once the cat lets them know who's boss they just stay out of each other's way and it will be fine.

Put it this way a cat would rather a dog in the house than another cat, any day of the week.

Sisinisawa · 07/09/2017 18:33

So you've emotionally manipulated him into agreeing through your going on and on and involving your children instead of accepting his opinion?

Well done Hmm

GahBuggerit · 07/09/2017 18:34

Frequency that's good going with the teeth, all the ones I've known have had about 2 in their head at 12!

So happy for you op. Puddy cat will adjust, especially as it's an older dog that's not yappy or jumpy. They may even become pals.

Bella is so lucky having you fight her corner. Finally a decent thread on mn about a dog that needs rehoming, there's been way too many horrid ones recently.

19lottie82 · 07/09/2017 18:36

Oh do fuck up Sisinisawa Hmm
I was one of the "if your DH says no then don't take the dog camp" but he's said yes. And please read the post, HE asked the kids if they wanted the dog, not the OP!

DanHumphreyIsA · 07/09/2017 18:41

Sisinisawa why do you need to shit on the OP, its a positive outcome for her.

OP I'm happy for you, I hope it all works out. I hope you'll post some photos of Bella (and the kitty!). Definitely look into Feliway or similar (not sure if they affect dogs, maybe someone can confirm?) and try to give the cat her own bit of space so she can still feel like she rules the roost! Grin

honeyroar · 07/09/2017 18:47

Sisi nobody has emotionally manipulated him OP was genuinely very upset about it and they've had a proper discussion about it. Her husband has conceded (someone had to either way, and the rest of the family were pro Bella..).

Glad you got to this point. I really hope you post pictures of him and Bella in the future as friends.

(Oh and my 11yr old lab has all her own teeth, doesn't slobber, snot or pee anywhere!)

Original poster
butterflyparadise · 07/09/2017 18:51

Thank you to everyone who posted (well, nearly everyone Wink ) It has helped so much.

DH did say if it was unbearable for him as time went on then he'd expect me to look into finding her somewhere else to stay, which I totally understand. But at least we're all going to try. I couldn't bear it if we didn't at least try. Anything's better than her being holed up in an outbuilding with winter upon us.

I can understand people coming from the non dog lover angle and saying that I've forced it on him through emotional blackmail or whatever but SOMEONE had to compromise. I couldn't live with myself and would always carry the guilt with me if I left her there. DH has a big heart, he's amazing and I always thank my lucky stars we're together.

Time will tell how this ends up. Can't wait to see her furry face again.

OP posts:
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