To rehome a dog when DH doesn't like dogs

[butterflyparadise]

Please help me. I have 2 other threads running about this through a couple of stages of my situation.

Long story short (more background in my other threads) I had a dog with my ex, Bella, she is a cross breed who is approx 12. Ex kept her but now he's moved abroad with work and can't take her which was the original plan. Bella has been in kennels for a few months.

My DH and I have preschool twins and a cat. I have exhausted all rehoming options with friends/family. I had hurdles to overcome before I could consider rehoming her myself.

I love this dog, she was my baby. DH does not like dogs. He listened to me and how I felt about Bella and her situation. Taking her ourselves wasn't a distinct possibility until now. So we've not needed to have a proper chat about it as all the obstacles were reasons not to take her. These have all been sorted, we could take her.

DH has now said he doesn't want to. He says we're on complete opposites about it. I like dogs, he doesn't. I have an emotional attachment to her, he doesn't. He doesn't like the noise, the clattering of claws on laminate, the barking goes right through him, being tied to having to get back to a dog etc. The walks, the extra responsibility etc. I see these as things we just have to deal with and overcome.

He says he'd do it but only because he knows it would make me happy.

He's stressed at work and in general, he's been pretty miserable lately as a whole.

Now I'm in limbo. We wouldn't be taking right away, there would be a transitional period for everyone to get used to everyone and she would stay in kennels until then.

I've asked if we could take her as an interim and see if we could rehome her to someone else but at least getting her out of kennels. And with me secretly hoping DH would let us keep her.... He replied that I wouldn't want to give her up.

AIBU to take her despite DH's feelings?

Re-read the OP again and if Im right its gone from them discussing it and removing the obstacles so Bella could go there, then the DH said no, then he said he would if it would make op happy, then he went to see the dog, said yes, then said no again (after seeing how much the kids took to her and how happy OP was)

But yea, the OP's the manipulative one

What's all this trial basis crap? How can you take an animal on a trial basis? If the dh truly hates it but the kids adore it and cry if you mention rehoming her then what happens? Your dh now has three sobbing emotional wrecks tugging on his heart strings.

It's not fair. What he wants is to see how he feels about it and make the decision. Like when my dp says how would you feel about me going to Spain for a week - I wouldn't say no, I'm not his boss. But I'd tell him if there were any implications for me, and he would make his own decision.

Sorry that doesn't make sense. He wants for you to see how he feels, and make the decision. Don't force him to be the bad guy.

It was your choice to take the risk. He chooses not to take the risk.

To be fair cats are a lot lower maintenance. Part of DH's objection is the logistics and they are considerable.

My sister and my bff have dogs, they're sweet and very clean as dogs go but like all dogs they smell. We've had them to stay and I didn't like them any more when they left than they arrived. Another friend of mine was bullied into a dog by her husband and she always hated it.

If this is DH's red line it should be respected.

^ That was to Schadenfreude.

I feel for you. There really is no right or wrong in this situation.
I would say that if you take the dog, be prepared to take on all the work. For non dog lovers, it really is very restricting.
I am currently looking after my mum's dog. I hate it (the looking after, not the dog itself). I hate picking up dog poo, trying to give him his vitamins and medicine, the smell. If I had to have him for 3 or more years, I'd go nuts. I want to be able to go out all day and not be tied to the dog.
If your dh feels as strongly as I do then I think this isn't going to be a good thing.
My own dh is already irritated by my mum's dog being here - I can imagine that if I said we were keeping him it would come between us.
The dog btw is like the proverbial pig in shit - the kids keep letting him sleep on the beds and smuggle him far too many snacks!

Fwiw I don't thibk your dh is being deliberately manipulative - I think he just really doesn't want the dog but also doesn't want to upset you. He sounds like a man stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Read your thread yesterday. It's a difficult situation but I'd take her home.
If you didn't, and she spent her last year's in kennels or worse, would you ever forgive your Dh?
Your dog like his cat, pre-dates your relationship, so I think you should take her home.
You need to sit down and find the time to speak to your husband properly. If you can compromise with the cat, why can't he?
Personally, when I met my Dh, I still had my old collie. She came first right til her last day. Dh understood because he also had a crazy dog who he loved. And I didn't like! Not easy, we did argue but we made it work.
I'm sure your Dh doesn't want to hurt you by saying no, but not saying yes might be unforgivable in your eyes.

Fuck. It's so hard. I love my husband but if I don't take her how will I feel in future about not taking her?? Resentment? Guilt too more than likely. It's also likely if I do take her that DH could feel resentment further down the line.

Now I'm a bit pissed with my ex that I'm the one here feeling this responsibilty!

There is not a win win here

If you don't take her, will you be able to let it go or will you resentful towards him? And likewise, how will he feel long term if you take Bella in?

What have you done in the last 6 yrs to maintain contact with this dog ? Look at this from your husbands POV , even if he had agreed to get a dog would you have gone to a rescue and bought home a 12 yo dog that may not have had experience living with small children and cats ? In effect that is exactly what you are doing if you take on this dog .

Why did youe ex apply for/ accept a job abroad knowing he had a dog? Why can't he take the dog abroad with him?
Why is this dog now your problem not his?

sorry its a no win situation really, I'm a biased dog lover, they've only a few years left could your husband tolerate for their retirement years?

TBH, I am on your side here. If he were allergic it would be different. Given your history with this dog and that it is getting pretty old now so A) its options are limited and B) it probably won't be with you for decades I don't understand why he can't get past this.

OP I'm not having a go here but if you love the dog so much why have you not seen her for 6 years? (Unless I've got this bit wrong)

2Rebecca I wondered that too. Perhaps he found her a home and it fell through when he'd already gone? (Although I'd never take a job abroad if it meant rehoming my animals, even if it meant I took a low paid job locally rather than a high paid job abroad).

The reason OP feels responsible now, after six years, is because the dog has nobody else now and OP loved her in the past. For the past six years Bella was loved and looked after by someone the dog loved (her ex) so there was no need to be involved, the dog was fine. Now she isn't, and OP is upset.

I'm so sorry your husband has not said yes. I thought he was going to. What was all the shit with the dog treats?? Did he think you were all going to just go and visit her once a week and then shove her back in kennels? Did you even discuss it with him, what he was thinking re the dog treats? It does sound like you don't talk to each other properly, like you have half conversations and never actually conclude them.

I think you really need to make a decision OP. The current indecision is not healthy for any of you. If it were me in your situation I'd definitely take the dog. Marriage is about compromise and I don't think you are being unreasonable wanting an elderly dog to live with you for what is only likely to be a few years. You then never need to have a dog again if you don't want to.

My ex DH hated cats (and I mean really hated), but I got one (and yes I probably was BVU at the time) and he ended up loving it.

Thanks @honeyroar for explaining that.

My ex went abroad and had an agreement in place with a friend to take Bella until he was settled and could fly her out there to be with him. At the last hour this fell through with his friend. And so ex placed her with another friend's relative which also fell through as Bella was too strong for him as he was elderly. This then put her in kennels. Ex is unable to take Bella now abroad for a few reasons but the main 2 are the long flight over and the heat where he is. The latter 2 being as a result of her age. Neither of us think she'd cope. I think in theory he thought this would work out but the reality has been very different.

Oh and I agree about the half conversations and not concluding them. It's hard trying to talk with the kids and then our differing shifts. We don't get much quality time just the 2 of us to have a chat.

Of course there's a win. You collect your 12 year old dog, and all adjust to having a new member of the family.

Do you think a part of the reason he doesn't want her is that she is associated with happy memories with your ex? In any case, blowing hot and cold is very annoying behaviour from a grown man.

Take her home, and keep your eyes and ears peeled for a good adoptive family for her. If you surrender her to the RSPCA (pleeease don't do that...) or even a dedicated dog charity, they may struggle to find a home for her. I'm as sentimental as it gets and I foster animals until I've found the right homes for them. Keeping her until you are confident you've found a happy home for her will be much easier on you than walking away from her at a dog shelter, even though it may not feel that way at the time.

My sister hates dogs. I mean really hates dogs. Despises them. Especially my dog. He was a bouncy, young rescue pup when we got him. Add his behavioural issues to the mix and his scruffy appearance and he had nothing much going for him.

He's old now. The same age as Bella. He went on holiday with us recently.

My sister is currently in touch with Impawtant Pups trying to acquire her own scruffy dog

I've tried telling her she won't get a dog like mine and he's that way because he's old and lazy now and has undergone ten years of training but she's having none of it.

DH will probably come round and old dogs really aren't much of a bother. Mine needs a walk a day, some hugs and the rest of the time he's happy to snooze in his basket.

From your pp, it sounds like he likes dogs well enough, he just doesn't want the stress of caring for one full time. If you agreed to do most/all of the work yourself, I get the impression he wouldn't resent you for it. However, your posts suggest you are attached to this dog and emotionally invested in her future. If you didn't go and get her and she spent her twilight years in kennels, could you really let go of that? From the way you post, I don't think you could.

At the end of the day, you know him better than us. Only you can make the decision. Only you know if he'd resent you for bringing in a dog he wasn't sure about. And only you know Bella. Is she calm and well behaved or a bouncy but loveable pain in the ass? That makes a difference. If she spends the rest of her life in kennels, could you live with that?

It reads like your DH doesn't like dogs.

Not a situation where living with a dog would make him miserable.
He could suck it up for a few years. yanbu.

I strongly suspect that OP's DH just wants the matter settled, as long as he is asked to vote he'll try to veto dog, but if dog comes into the home he'll shrug, grumble & quickly switch to indifferent tolerance. Maybe even will come around to liking Doggo.

It's done now but I think it was grossly unfair taking the kids to see the dog at the same time as the husband. What was the point in that if not to try and convince him to take the dog? I don't think he was being manipulative putting treats in the trolley - sounds like he wanted to make you happy, but thought again the next day and reminded himself that dogs are a chore - picking up shit, vacuuming every day, walking twice a day, picking up shit, opening tins of dead animal flesh, cleaning up after meals, picking up shit - did I mention picking up shit? I don't blame him for not wanting a dog in his home. Dog people either just get used to the smell or don't have a sensitive sense of smell. Non-dog people do.
I have a friend who had two elderly dogs - they were a LOT of work. Both ended up incontinent towards the end and my friend had many months of cleaning up runny shit from his home. If you want that, and it impacts no one else, fine. If someone does NOT want that in their home, can you really not understand why?

Some people really don't like dogs. I will never change my mind on them, and have had several inflicted on me - and I only ever come away from weekends with dog people feeling dirty, and saying never again.

It's a YABU from me. Try and understand from your husband's pov, then release him from the pressure.

YANBU

get rid of him the miserable git