Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To rehome a dog when DH doesn't like dogs

527 replies

butterflyparadise · 06/09/2017 09:48

Please help me. I have 2 other threads running about this through a couple of stages of my situation.

Long story short (more background in my other threads) I had a dog with my ex, Bella, she is a cross breed who is approx 12. Ex kept her but now he's moved abroad with work and can't take her which was the original plan. Bella has been in kennels for a few months.

My DH and I have preschool twins and a cat. I have exhausted all rehoming options with friends/family. I had hurdles to overcome before I could consider rehoming her myself.

I love this dog, she was my baby. DH does not like dogs. He listened to me and how I felt about Bella and her situation. Taking her ourselves wasn't a distinct possibility until now. So we've not needed to have a proper chat about it as all the obstacles were reasons not to take her. These have all been sorted, we could take her.

DH has now said he doesn't want to. He says we're on complete opposites about it. I like dogs, he doesn't. I have an emotional attachment to her, he doesn't. He doesn't like the noise, the clattering of claws on laminate, the barking goes right through him, being tied to having to get back to a dog etc. The walks, the extra responsibility etc. I see these as things we just have to deal with and overcome.

He says he'd do it but only because he knows it would make me happy.

He's stressed at work and in general, he's been pretty miserable lately as a whole.

Now I'm in limbo. We wouldn't be taking right away, there would be a transitional period for everyone to get used to everyone and she would stay in kennels until then.

I've asked if we could take her as an interim and see if we could rehome her to someone else but at least getting her out of kennels. And with me secretly hoping DH would let us keep her.... He replied that I wouldn't want to give her up.

AIBU to take her despite DH's feelings?

OP posts:
BiteyShark · 07/09/2017 07:50

That's the problem he looks bad which ever way he goes. If he says no he's the bad guy. If he says yes when he really wants to say no then he has to live with a dog which he really doesn't want and all the hassle that it entails. And I love my dog but it is a massive responsibility and tie.

The only way forward is for you to both sit down and sensibly discuss all issues and whether there are any ways to address them. You said originally you see all the problems he raised as something just to deal with. That is fine for you because the dog is worth it. It isn't for him because he doesn't want it.

For example just taking a few of the things you said he raised initially such as not leaving the dog for long. So will you be happy for him to do things without you whilst you look after the dog if he wants a day out. Can your finances afford day care if both of you want to be out for the day.

For the noise and barking that he raised well that is more tricky. If the dog barked a lot would you be prepared to get someone in to help train him not to do it as much or are you just planning to shrug your shoulders and say well it doesn't matter.

The walks, are you prepared to do every single walk every day? I do all of mine because that was the deal and my DH sometimes joins us if he can and wants to but other than that it is my responsibility.

WillowKnicks · 07/09/2017 07:59

Whatever happens with your husband, please don't leave poor, old Bella stewing in Kennels indefinitely. It really isn't fair on her & I'm really surprised your ex put her in this situation in the first place...you can take dogs when you move abroad!

It sounds like your DH just thought it would never be a possibility & now it is, he's going to have to make a decision for god's sake!!!! It sounds like the twins are now emotionally invested too (good move there op Wink).

I really hope you get Bella, as I think that is the right thing to do, especially after the cat!

Bumdishcloths · 07/09/2017 08:10

Presumably if you have preschool twins, and the dog has been with the ex, then you have not lived with the dog for at least a couple of years? What if her previously model behaviour has changed? What would do if you were suddenly saddled with a dog with behavioural issues?

Headofthehive55 · 07/09/2017 08:12

You are being completely unreasonable.

If my DH insisted on having a dog, he would no longer have a wife!

Headofthehive55 · 07/09/2017 08:16

DH loves dogs. He thought I could be talked round at some point.

what is unkind is you forcing a dog on someone, taking advantage of his good nature.

Headofthehive55 · 07/09/2017 08:21

I had to be very strong saying no - I realky think DH didn't realise my strong feelings on the matter. I could be kind and say yes, after all I want him to be happy, but I know, deep down, I really really don't want one.
I wasn't as vocal in the past, as there were barriers that meant it would be near impossible. Now those barriers have gone, it would be OK - if I was interested. I'm not.

19lottie82 · 07/09/2017 08:27

You can't compare the cat! The OPs DH already had the cat living with him when he met the OP and unless I'm mistaken the OP hasn't seen this dog in SIX YEARS!!!!!

Spudlet · 07/09/2017 08:30

You need to make the time to really, properly, discuss it. This ships that pass in the night thing is no good. This is an important decision that merits a proper, open conversation.

Everyone here is projecting what they would do and how they would feel into the situation but as it is ultimately down to the op and her DH. It doesn't matter how many people here would take the dog, or not take the dog, or leave the relationship or whatever.

AccrualIntentions · 07/09/2017 08:35

You can't compare the cat! The OPs DH already had the cat living with him when he met the OP and unless I'm mistaken the OP hasn't seen this dog in SIX YEARS!!!!!

And cats aren't comparable to the lifestyle change required by a dog either.

fenneltea · 07/09/2017 09:00

I think if there is so much indecision on his part then you need to be
proactive and get the situation sorted for the dogs sake.

I'd now be contacting rehoming centres urgently.
It's all very well hanging on but totally unfair to keep the dog in kennels longer than necessay.
The kennel staff may well know somebody does who would take her, but kennels are a stressful environment and Id be working my backside off to get her out of there and into a home environment, if that can't be you then at least find a suitable home.

Lovingmybear2 · 07/09/2017 09:03

So op have you got Bella yet? Or looked st your re homing options?

formerbabe · 07/09/2017 09:05

Yabu. I can't stand dogs. I honestly don't know how people can live with dogs in their homes. I'd be on edge all the time. People need to feel comfortable in their homes...it's not fair to bring something into the home which would ruin that.

fourfuckssake4 · 07/09/2017 09:05

I re-homed a older dog who needed his forever home through no fault of his, we have 2 cats. Dh wasn't keen dc very keen. That dog loves dh, always by his side. Dh has a very stressful job but likes coming home taking the old boy for a walk to de-stress. Cats were a bit miffed at first but happily all tolerate each other now Smile even sleep on the same sofa. Dh has even talked about re-homing a older dog when his boy no longer with us. Think he loves that dog more than me Grin

GahBuggerit · 07/09/2017 09:28

I think OP, If hes dithering and moving the goalposts and letting you build your hopes up to change his mind again (in any other situation that could be classed as EA btw) then you should have another chat about it and approach it as a PP suggested - say you'll take the responsibility of making the decision.

I am projecting here I admit, but if you are anything like me his shitty trick of pulling the rug out from under you after so cruelly watching you build your hopes up over something as important as this would seriously damage our relationship anyway for much longer than your dog will be around for (again sorry to be blunt)

Headofthehive55 · 07/09/2017 10:06

I think one persons 'pulling the rug from under you' is another's 'letting them down gently'

Headofthehive55 · 07/09/2017 10:09

gah
Often when people can't take no for an answer, being non committal (because you don't want yet another row) is seen as 'oh I'm winning him round'

(My children attempt to do this all the time!!)

Mittens1969 · 07/09/2017 10:22

I'm very torn on this one. This is how my DH is when he doesn't want to do something but doesn't want to disappoint me.

It's how I would be too, as I wouldn't really want a dog. I had no issues with our dog growing up, but I was the one lumbered with clearing up her poo from the garden. So I wasn't sad when she was finally PTS as an elderly dog, I confess. (I loved our cats though, and have loved cats ever since.)

But my DH did let me keep my cat, when he was very unsure. Although he might have been worried that I wouldn't marry him, the cat grew on him and in the end he clearly loved her, though he never admitted it.

But there have been so many times when I've thought a decision has been made and then it's turned out that my DH hasn't yet decided. It's hard!

I won't advise further, this particular discussion is easy for me, as my DH is allergic to dogs so we'll never be having one.

GahBuggerit · 07/09/2017 10:23

I see what you mean in some situations, such as "I dont want lasagne", "but I really do", "but I dont like it", "but I do", "hmm.........", but don't really think going from putting dog treats in a shopping trolley to "no" leaving OP crying in a bathroom is letting OP down gently, or being non committal at all. Its beyond cruel in this situation, especially as he knows how much it would mean to OP.

Taylor22 · 07/09/2017 10:30

Taking the children to see her before you and your DH had come to a final decisions was a horrible thing to do to him.
He's their father. He doesn't want to hurt them. He doesn't want to upset them.
But you just cared about getting our own way.
So you used your children to emotionally blackmail him.

He knows he doesn't want the dog. But you keep pushing. Keep manipulating him.
So that when he does have to shout and force you to actually listen to him he's the villain. He's the horrible dad and bad husband.

Just bloody stop.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/09/2017 10:54

that is one of the most depressing comments I've ever read on here. Made me feel quite sick

Totally agree Stonecircle

We have a moral duty towards every sentient creature on the planet - and particularly one that we chose to take responsibility for.

I don't agree with the who are castigating the OP for not taking the dog when she split from her original partner - the dog can only live with one person. I think she also did the right thing not constantly visiting - that would have just been unsettling for Bella who wouldn't understand why a person she loved kept disappearing and reappearing in her life.

She did what was best for the dog at the time, and is trying to do what is best this time.

OP - please take her.Your DH is hoping you won't push it so that you won't get her, and when she (almost inevitably) ends her life in a lonely kennel, or being PTS because they can't keep her any longer, he can abdicate responsibility by saying "Look - I said you could bring her home if you wanted to, but you didn't, so it's no good crying about it."

Believe me - whether you home the dog or not, this has already had an effect on your family.

I would get her. Be cautious with her where your children are concerned (as EVERY dog owner should be, even if the dog is used to children and very good-natured - it's just not something you EVER take a risk with), be prepared for a few toilet problems initially as she settles in, and then see how it goes from there.

Bu whatever decision you make, I hope all goes well for you.

TatianaLarina · 07/09/2017 10:59

You can't emotionally blackmail someone into living with an animal that they don't want to. Too many people are thinking about the ethics wrt the dog and not enough about the husband.

It's perfectly possible to rehome older animals. There are some very goood rehoming charities around, I've taken in an older animal myself, some people specialise in it.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/09/2017 11:05

People need to feel comfortable in their homes

I DO feel comfortable in my home - it is a home that has three dogs and two cats in it.

I hated cats. I couldn't stand the way they rubbed against me - it made me physically sick! I baked at the thought of a litter tray in the house. The thought of slaughtered wildlife was repulsive to me.

Then my DD wanted a kitten. It was the only thing she asked for for birthday and Christmas year after year - she didn't cry or sulk, just put it on her list (heavily underlined) - so one day I said "yes" (after all, they only live 18 years or so) - and I fell in love with that cat within a week. I now love having a cat in my life and wouldn't want it any other way.

Maybe that will happen with Bella - maybe not. Sometimes you have to take a risk in life.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/09/2017 11:05

People need to feel comfortable in their homes

I DO feel comfortable in my home - it is a home that has three dogs and two cats in it.

I hated cats. I couldn't stand the way they rubbed against me - it made me physically sick! I baked at the thought of a litter tray in the house. The thought of slaughtered wildlife was repulsive to me.

Then my DD wanted a kitten. It was the only thing she asked for for birthday and Christmas year after year - she didn't cry or sulk, just put it on her list (heavily underlined) - so one day I said "yes" (after all, they only live 18 years or so) - and I fell in love with that cat within a week. I now love having a cat in my life and wouldn't want it any other way.

Maybe that will happen with Bella - maybe not. Sometimes you have to take a risk in life.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/09/2017 11:05

Sorry - no idea why that double-posted!

heron98 · 07/09/2017 11:06

I hate dogs (am scared of them even). My sister has one so I can see how much work and responsibility they are. I would not want that myself. I would be very pissed off if my DP got one against my wishes. It's not just rehoming an animal, it's changing your whole lifestyle.

Swipe left for the next trending thread