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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To rehome a dog when DH doesn't like dogs

527 replies

butterflyparadise · 06/09/2017 09:48

Please help me. I have 2 other threads running about this through a couple of stages of my situation.

Long story short (more background in my other threads) I had a dog with my ex, Bella, she is a cross breed who is approx 12. Ex kept her but now he's moved abroad with work and can't take her which was the original plan. Bella has been in kennels for a few months.

My DH and I have preschool twins and a cat. I have exhausted all rehoming options with friends/family. I had hurdles to overcome before I could consider rehoming her myself.

I love this dog, she was my baby. DH does not like dogs. He listened to me and how I felt about Bella and her situation. Taking her ourselves wasn't a distinct possibility until now. So we've not needed to have a proper chat about it as all the obstacles were reasons not to take her. These have all been sorted, we could take her.

DH has now said he doesn't want to. He says we're on complete opposites about it. I like dogs, he doesn't. I have an emotional attachment to her, he doesn't. He doesn't like the noise, the clattering of claws on laminate, the barking goes right through him, being tied to having to get back to a dog etc. The walks, the extra responsibility etc. I see these as things we just have to deal with and overcome.

He says he'd do it but only because he knows it would make me happy.

He's stressed at work and in general, he's been pretty miserable lately as a whole.

Now I'm in limbo. We wouldn't be taking right away, there would be a transitional period for everyone to get used to everyone and she would stay in kennels until then.

I've asked if we could take her as an interim and see if we could rehome her to someone else but at least getting her out of kennels. And with me secretly hoping DH would let us keep her.... He replied that I wouldn't want to give her up.

AIBU to take her despite DH's feelings?

OP posts:
lucydogz · 07/09/2017 00:50

All this shows there should be a board called Validate Me. The op wanted her own way and was determined to get it. All this aibu stuff seems a bit redundant.

EamonnWright · 07/09/2017 00:52

The fact that the guy is suffering from stress and is getting it tight at work has been completely ignored.

Adarajames · 07/09/2017 01:43

OP if it doesn't work out how you hope it will, please do say where abouts you are and the dogs breed or at least idea of size, then some of us with links with rescues may be able to help you find a new home for her / a foster home till a permanent new home can be found d

kmc1111 · 07/09/2017 04:14

I couldn't comprehend not taking in my own dog. It would be one thing if OP was just wanting to go get a dog from a rescue, but it's her own dog. Her responsibility, for life.

Original poster
butterflyparadise · 07/09/2017 04:43

Thank you @Adarajames

We're at stalemate. After it going so well last night at the visit with the children and him putting the dog treats in the trolley we had ANOTHER chat and we're no further forward. I spent a good 20 minutes crying in the bathroom Sad

I've told him I need to know one way or another. I could tell him we're taking her but I'm not going to do that. I think he's uncertain of taking that step and actually saying it.

I'm in turmoil over it, my feelings of attachment have grown considerably. I can't stop thinking about her and picturing her in our house and garden. Plus I also feel it's the Right. Thing. To. Do.

OP posts:
BiteyShark · 07/09/2017 05:16

I love dogs and was the main instigator in getting ours but if my DH had said no then I would not have got a dog. Yes I would have been sad but a dog is a commitment that all the adults need to agree on.

You said you have not been able to take your dog in previously because your home life had not been right. Well it still isn't right is it really because the other adult in the household doesn't really want them and you are trying to force the issue.

If you get the dog all those PP saying he will come round might be right, but equally everytime the dog gets in his 'way' it might cause arguments and resentment (and cause a split in the worst case). If you are prepared to take that risk then get the dog but if it causes issues then you have no one else to blame and it isn't as if you haven't been warned. Sorry but it would have been very different if you had the dog when you met (like the cat situation).

GahBuggerit · 07/09/2017 05:45

Oh sorry op, so he's gone from making coy "guess we'll be getting dog treats" to changing his mind again? Letting you build your hopes up and dashing them?

For that alone, iiwm, that dog would be home tonight. It sounds like things would be strained if you didn't get her anyway now. Sorry he's done this to you op

rizlett · 07/09/2017 06:16

It sounds like he doesn't want the responsibility of the final say - perhaps that's in case it all goes wrong but someone needs to make a decision.

Go get your dog with the proviso that no one is to blame if it doesn't work out.

PUGaLUGS · 07/09/2017 06:26

butterfly please go get her.

It was cruel of DH to put those bloody treats in the shopping trolley giving you false hope.

steff13 · 07/09/2017 06:28

How would that work? The OP gets what she wants, her husband gets a dog he doesn't want, and if it goes wrong, the OP gets to abdicate any responsibility for the decision? Even sweet, gentle dogs can become cranky and crotchety in their old age; what if it bites one of the kids?

rizlett · 07/09/2017 06:31

Blame and responsibility are not the same thing at all.

Giggorata · 07/09/2017 06:34

If you can't agree, please get Bella rehomed asap, rather than let her live out her last few years in a kennel.

steff13 · 07/09/2017 06:39

Blame and responsibility are both about accountability.

"Didn't work out" is pretty broad. Dog pees on the carpet, fine, no one is to blame. Dog hurts one of the kids, I'd sure as hell blame the person who brought the dog into the house when I didn't want it.

That's the thing; it has to be mutually agreed upon.

Bananamama1213 · 07/09/2017 06:45

My DH hates cats. During our 9 years together, we have owned 6 cats.

He fell in love with one of them but as we were living in a first floor flat at the time, we had to rehome him as he tried to jump out of the window numerous times! That was a sad time because he was such a lovely kitten.

We have lived in our house for 5 years now and had our cat for 3.

DH is the one who feeds the cat, and he follows him everywhere. Me and the children can walk past him on the stairs and he won't budge.. soon as DH appears, he follows!

DH tolerates the cat because he knows that I wanted one. We both would've preferred a dog but our landlord won't let us.

I would say YANBU. She was your dog, your baby. I would have told DH we were taking her and I would do all the walks etc. If it didn't work out, then you could rehome her, but that you couldn't cope with her being in kennels anymore.
I like to think in that situation, my DH would understand how much I loved the dog and let her come home.

To rehome a dog when DH doesn't like dogs
rizlett · 07/09/2017 06:46

Blaming yourself [or someone else] is not the same thing as taking responsibility: In fact, it is a way to avoid taking responsibility. The focus of blame is to find fault. Its objective is judgmental to its core. Finding yourself guilty is not going to change anything, fix anything or improve anything.

stonecircle · 07/09/2017 06:51

So glad things are working out for you and Bella op.

we don't have a moral duty towards them. ('them' being dogs)
Lucydogz - that is one of the most depressing comments I've ever read on here. Made me feel quite sick.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 07/09/2017 07:01

Oh OP, I have everything crossed for you.

Icequeen01 · 07/09/2017 07:22

I have nothing helpful to add but just wanted to say you sound lovely Op. Not many people would go to the lengths you have to try to make this work and it is so refreshing to find someone who remembers that a dog is for life. I have everything crossed that Bella comes home with you.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 07/09/2017 07:28

It maybe your DC that sway the decision Grin

Re introduction to the cat. We've done this ... cats usually sulk for a bit but just the same as if introducing another cat we found. We left them to find their own equilibrium and had 2 cats and 2 dogs all sleeping together !

Original poster
butterflyparadise · 07/09/2017 07:33

I am so upset about this. I'm about to start work and cant think of anything else.

I'm starting to think the reason there's not been an outright no is because he doesn't want to hurt me by coming out with it. We don't get a lot of time together with his shifts so we have to try and grab snatched conversations here and there.

OP posts:
Original poster
butterflyparadise · 07/09/2017 07:34

This thread has been so helpful. Thank you everyone. I have no one in RL I cam talk to because they are either keeping out of it not wanting to take sides or are all dog lovers so can't understand why we don't just take her.

OP posts:
Elphame · 07/09/2017 07:42

Oh I hope you take her.

My DH will always say he doesn't like dogs - would never have one etc Funny though that whenever there is a dog about it is usually cuddled up to him and he's making a fuss of it.

diddl · 07/09/2017 07:45

He bought dog treats?

I'd take that as a yes & the dog would be coming home today tbh.

"Funny though that whenever there is a dog about it is usually cuddled up to him and he's making a fuss of it."

Dogs aren't daft, are they?Grin

AccrualIntentions · 07/09/2017 07:47

I'm with your DH on this, I don't think I'd ever feel comfortable with a dog living in my home. And the dog would inevitably pick up on that. Better for Bella to find a home where everyone wants her, not just one person.

PrincessWonderRabbit · 07/09/2017 07:49

I think he has some nerve when you kept the cat while allergic. I'd take him on a trial basis for three months and then consider it.