AWBU - younger, disabled sibling not invited to family party

[FranceIsBacon]

We've got 2 daughters, very close in age. My SIL has a DD of a similar age with a birthday coming up.

I got a message yesterday asking if DD1 was free to attend my DN's party. I replied that yes she was, and could we bring DD2 along with us, because otherwise only one of us could attend with DD1 and the other would have to stay at home with DD2. My SIL replied not to worry about that as we could leave DD1 at the party and 'have a break' (LOL).

The back story is that DD2 is profoundly disabled - physically and mentally. If she wasn't I'm pretty sure she'd get just be invited along like her older sister. After all they are all family. In my reply about bringing DD2 along I explicitly said not to worry about catering her or entertaining her (we worry about all that) but I'd have liked her to be welcome and to be present at the party.

When my DH found out about this exchange of messages he was raging and has messaged his sister this morning to say sorry, DD1 can no longer attend. I tend to agree with him if I'm honest.

The deed is done now but AWBU? DD2 is often overlooked even by family, her birthday forgotten, etc, and it does get to us both so maybe we're just being a bit precious about it. The irony is we've just moved across the country to get more support from family!

I feel like I'm too close to the situation to judge so I'm taking to Mumsnet to get some opinions. Please be gentle!

Notreally I know you are posting with the best of intentions, but you are effectively telling people who have spent their childhoods (and adulthoods) not being able to talk about this that they can't talk about this here, either

Conversations wander here just as they do in real life and whats going on now is the equivalent of kicking people below the table and mouthing at them to shut up.

I wish that when my son was younger people offered a variety of opinions on various subjects because it may just have been something I could have taken in to later life. It may not have helped then but years down the line it could have and knowledge is power.

As for the SIL in the opening post - I wouldn't see her in my way.

Has having a SN sibling affected my children adversely? I can only tell you what they say - at times it's been hard for us but its always been immeasurably harder for DB and thats the bottom line.

I also have a child who's a SEN teacher so regardless of any hard times she went through as a sibling it didn't put her off the world of SN.

Almost this exact scenario happened to me and (profoundly disabled) DD a few years ago.

(Now Ex) 'D'P didn't stick up for DD when his MIL and sister failed to invite her to his Nephews birthday party. They tried to lie and say it was school friends only but other cousins went. The party was held in a train carriage which they admitted DD couldn't have accessed (she could, with support) Nephew wanted DD there.

It was one of the nastiest things I've ever come across. It hurt me deeply. It was all turned around on me, MIL was incandescent at being called out on it. I lost respect for all of them and I'll never, ever forgive my ex. I couldn't look at him the same afterwards, it played a big part in our relationship demise.

I am DD's voice. You are your child's voice. You need to speak up or you'll resent them for it forever.

People like this disgust me.

Maybe a siblings board would be a good idea, but you still can't stop people posting their experiences on whatever thread they want!

This thread feels very much like it's divided by some thinking it's a friends party, and some thinking it's a family party.

The problem with only posting on a board especially for siblings is many people browse rather than set out to talk on a certain topic. Many people would of opened this not knowing if they were going to contribute. AIBU has always been a mix of topics that have a board already more appropriate including SN children. I have posted about DS2 but cannot remember if I had ever posted in the SN section and would find if offensive if I did post in the general topics to be told I should move to special needs boards. My children have gone through stages of adoration, resentment, embarrassment, love and now as older teenagers acceptance of DS2. But I do worry that discussion of siblings is often surrounded in guilt. Personally I find derailing happens more because of the questioning of the parent knowing the individual needs and circumstances and that this is AIBU were it is sort of accepted that people will play devils advocate.

zzzz it's because people were already talking about sibling experiences (in rosy terms - which I am genuinely delighted about for them) that other people, including me, came on to point out that this wasn't a universal experience.

As AgentProvocateur has said, there isn't a place, especially in real life, where siblings can voice our genuine experience and feelings.

I'm retired now, but struggle to get even a week's holiday a year away from my brother. It's easier to put a smile on my face and get on with it, but the truth is I'm dog tired.

I'm sorry if this is tough for parents, but it's the truth and when I hear another adult sibling say that their experience has been similar it's like being thrown a life belt to be able to say 'yes me too'. Anyway, I'm out now. Sorry to have derailed.

@MNHQ is there any chance of a board for siblings of people with SN/disabilities? This thread shows that there is a need for it.

It is just easy for extended family members to display favoritism toward family without disabilities when a person with disabilities is in the picture. When I got older, both my sister (who is deaf like myself) and I noticed family members consistently came up to my sister/brother without disabilities and ignored us or even kind of shove their children on us to entertain them.

My sister felt mom did not pay much attention to her, but I saw a whole different relationship with them. I saw my mom actually enjoying my sister more and provided her things she wouldn't provide me

Re the derailing, I fully agree with archery and agent. The thread was already about the nt sibling not attending, it wasn't as though they piled in on a random thread and introduced the subject.

I know it might be done with good intentions, but effectively telling somebody that their experience isn't relevant because it isn't the same as yours is pretty unpleasant. And it does seem to happen a lot on threads involving sn.

It does happen a lot on threads involving SN, mostly to parents of kids with SN who are forever being told to just teach their kids to fit in. It's not nice for anyone to be made to feel that way, and I include the siblings whose experiences are being dismissed in that as well.

not I didn't phrase that well, I was referring specifically to the experiences of those with genuine knowledge being dismissed by others with genuine knowledge. Not the disabilist shite dealt out by idiots, which I agree happens far too often.

I didn't feel that was what zzzzz was saying at all! She's right that this isn't the thread for it - these are tiny children and I'm sure the OP is only just coming to terms with having two children close in age with very different needs.

There's clearly a discussion to be had though - perhaps a long-running placemaker thread like the Stately Homes or Goose and Carrot threads rather than a separate board?

I think the tiny children point has been lost. My son's siblings lives were much more intertwined with his when they were younger (& each other as well).

They're in the middle of a shit time due to having a severely disabled brother. We have told them we think it's shit, but it is what it is and after this particularly shit time is over we will look for ways to give them back some of what they have lost out on for the last few months. No magic wand so that's the best we can do.

Lurkedforever1 I'm sorry I misunderstood, I realise that's not what you meant now.

It's a family party and you can't invite one without the other. We have severly disabled DS8 and DS10 and DD6. We wouldn't attend if DS8 was not invited. He can still enjoy the atmosphere...he's peg fed so no need to accommodate food!!!!
She's being an arse!!!

Why has this turned into a SN sibling moan thread?

It's about a party. OP, take disability out of the equation, would they both be invited? Yes. They would.

Irrespective of family or friends party, it's the PMLD that changes the invitation.

Don't stand for it.

There's an SN board, siblings could start a thread there to discuss the challenges. Just know that nobody's life is perfect. I imagine your parents feel guilty and downtrodden enough without hearing how it's ruined your lives.

zzzz but it doesn't have to be about who has the most empathy, insight etc. Somebody with a different experience/ perspective to you doesn't need to keep quiet in order for you to have a different one.

I do think the sn bashing is the main cause though, as it unfortunately isn't only limited to the current trend on a forum. Understandably parents of children with sn are going to be defensive because of that. And I think that's why sometimes a poster who has an equally legitimate view is responded to in a defensive, instead of open minded way. And because of that same sn bashing prevalence, if you are genuinely posting an alternative perspective to a parent, it is very hard to properly defend yourself without being accused of being unfeeling towards the parents, or worse still towards the child with sn.

I don't think anyone is offended by the idea of a sibling thread, just the idea that their view should be contained by it, rather than using the boards like anyone else.

There's an SN board, siblings could start a thread there to discuss the challenges. Just know that nobody's life is perfect. I imagine your parents feel guilty and downtrodden enough without hearing how it's ruined your lives.

Bingo!! There is the shut down, complete with emotional blackmail. This is exactly the type of thought process that leaves some siblings without a voice, or at least feeling that they don't have a voice. Those siblings know that it's hard for their parents and don't want them to feel worse, so they don't say anything - they just exist without their emotional needs being met.