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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AWBU - younger, disabled sibling not invited to family party

450 replies

FranceIsBacon · 05/09/2017 10:05

We've got 2 daughters, very close in age. My SIL has a DD of a similar age with a birthday coming up.

I got a message yesterday asking if DD1 was free to attend my DN's party. I replied that yes she was, and could we bring DD2 along with us, because otherwise only one of us could attend with DD1 and the other would have to stay at home with DD2. My SIL replied not to worry about that as we could leave DD1 at the party and 'have a break' (LOL).

The back story is that DD2 is profoundly disabled - physically and mentally. If she wasn't I'm pretty sure she'd get just be invited along like her older sister. After all they are all family. In my reply about bringing DD2 along I explicitly said not to worry about catering her or entertaining her (we worry about all that) but I'd have liked her to be welcome and to be present at the party.

When my DH found out about this exchange of messages he was raging and has messaged his sister this morning to say sorry, DD1 can no longer attend. I tend to agree with him if I'm honest.

The deed is done now but AWBU? DD2 is often overlooked even by family, her birthday forgotten, etc, and it does get to us both so maybe we're just being a bit precious about it. The irony is we've just moved across the country to get more support from family!

I feel like I'm too close to the situation to judge so I'm taking to Mumsnet to get some opinions. Please be gentle!

OP posts:
blueberrypie0112 · 07/09/2017 03:45

Thank you lalala! That's what I have been trying to say too. I mean, what's next? Are they not going to invite her child with disabilities to her DN wedding too?

SD1978 · 07/09/2017 03:55

If it's a family party, with all ages invites, YANBU, if it's for a set number of children, then maybe a little. If it's a party for x number of children, and you don't need to be there to supervise DD, and the other parents would just be dropping off, if may not be personal. If other family are going they are being very unfair

Stellastarburst · 07/09/2017 07:36

AHalfFormed. - thank you for posting. It's so tough to talk about our siblings and family dynamics honestly.

zzzzz · 07/09/2017 08:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notreallyarsed · 07/09/2017 08:05

Very good point zzzzz, there should be a section for siblings to discuss how they feel and be able to share their experiences. This thread isn't the place though, and it's a real shame it's been derailed.

ArcheryAnnie · 07/09/2017 08:33

boulshired don't ever feel bad about that. I think your giving all your DC individual time will make things better for everyone in the long term, including your DS2, because you will end up with a much more happy and secure family dynamic. Flowers

AHalfFormedThing your post struck a nerve with me. Flowers

Thatsnotapotato · 07/09/2017 08:45

I've never met a parent where the impact on siblings wasn't at the centre of their thoughts but I imagine this could be so, and of course parents get it wrong.

Absolutely, but it is also worth noting that this, as evidenced by many of the comments on this thread is an adult viewpoint on a child's perspective. To give a very crude example, a child can be entertained for hours with a cardboard box and a crayon, but an adult would find these things dull and boring. An adult worries about things that a child would have no recognition of, and conversely this can exacerbate issues. For so many of us who have disabled siblings, especially when we're close in age, and when the condition is not one that exhibits very intense episodic behaviours (such as meltdowns or aggression etc.) we simply don't recognise our family dynamic as anything other than entirely normal. While I fully accept that for many many siblings this is a tough road, I also feel it is a really wrong and sad assumption that is is never anything but that, and yet for so many of us the total opposite it true. So many people here are using words like 'inevitably' - there is nothing inevitable about it. A person with a disabled sibling has as much chance of a happy, fulfilled childhood as much as the next person. It just might not take the shape of the 'standard script' but this doesn't mean it's been anything less than brilliant.

Thatsnotapotato · 07/09/2017 08:47

notreallyarsed The OP left the thread a long time ago so although yes, I agree it's been derailed, I think in this instance it's evolved into an interesting and relevant conversation x

Notreallyarsed · 07/09/2017 08:49

Thats I agree, but unfortunately OP left the thread feeling like shit because of the derailment which I feel is a shame. I'm not saying siblings who are posting don't have valid thoughts and experiences, they absolutely do, but this wasn't the place to air them.

Thatsnotapotato · 07/09/2017 08:50

Sorry, one more thing from me (apologies!) but for those of you who are parents with disabled children, I am certain guilt is a very familiar emotion when it comes to your kids, but please know, you're doing your very best, and your children will understand that, and, in many cases, they won't think of you as anything less than fabulous Flowers xx

Thatsnotapotato · 07/09/2017 08:51

Oh yes not I see what you mean, I joined after the fact and reading back I think you have a fair point Sad

Notreallyarsed · 07/09/2017 08:53

Thats I do understand what you mean though, and I can fully identify with guilt over siblings (none of mine are NT but the guilt is the same). I worry a lot about getting it wrong, and just hope that I don't. I like zzzzz's suggestion of a specific topic where siblings can post their experiences and thoughts without derailing threads, because it's not right that they are sidelined or dismissed, it's just not fair to derail an OP and make them feel like shit.

Gindingaling · 07/09/2017 08:59

Very good point zzzzz, there should be a section for siblings to discuss how they feel and be able to share their experiences. This thread isn't the place though, and it's a real shame it's been derailed.

The thread opened up when people insisted their children had no negative thoughts about being the sibling of someone with a disability and it had been nothing but a positive experience.

Notreallyarsed · 07/09/2017 09:02

Maybe their kids don't have negative thoughts about it though Gin? That's what I meant by derailing. OP was clear that she ensures both her children have time and attention, separately and together, yet somehow she ended up feeling guilty for something she hasn't done. I'm not saying posters don't have valid points, or that they haven't had difficult experiences, but it's not ok to project that onto OP. DPs sister is severely disabled, and he didn't resent her or feel pushed out/neglected by his parents, yet BIL did. I'm not saying nobody should be able to talk about it, I'm just saying this thread wasn't the place and it wasn't. OP has disappeared feeling like absolute shite because people just couldn't let it go even though it doesn't apply in her home.

Thatsnotapotato · 07/09/2017 09:09

Not 100% agree with you - many of us don't have negative thoughts about this life an it's fundamentally wrong to assume we do.

ArcheryAnnie · 07/09/2017 09:10

Notreally I know you are posting with the best of intentions, but you are effectively telling people who have spent their childhoods (and adulthoods) not being able to talk about this that they can't talk about this here, either.

And as Gindingaling pointed out, the thread opened up as a response to the posts saying that kids would hate to go to anything their siblings couldn't, etc etc. Which may be true for some, but isn't the whole story.

I think this has been a good thread. I've been heartened to hear that not everyone's experiences are the same, and that some families manage to balance the needs of all their DCs in a way that mine - and others that I know - never really managed. I think it's been useful, and I don't think it's a "derailment".

MadMags · 07/09/2017 09:14

I don't think it's been a derailment, it's a tangent. And an important one, I think.

You simply cannot shut down conversation because someone's experience is different to your own, or something that's a little uncomfortable to hear.

Notreallyarsed · 07/09/2017 09:14

ArcheryAnnie I've said several times that there absolutely should be a topic where siblings can talk about their experiences and feelings, in fact I think it's really important that they are able to, and to be heard and listened to. But here wasn't the place, even if it was in response to posters dismissing them (which wasn't fair) because it made OP feel like shit when she wasn't responsible for any of it.
I think in many cases, threads get derailed when posters who aren't heard or listened to get so angry they begin projecting onto the OP and attacking them (not just this thread, lots of them). Which is why it's important that topics are there for people to be able to discuss their thoughts and feelings without attacking someone who is already vulnerable and looking for advice.

ArcheryAnnie · 07/09/2017 09:20

I think we will just have to disagree on this, Notreally.

SandyY2K · 07/09/2017 09:31

I don't think it's derailed, it's offering different perspectives. The parent of a child with a disability cannot know how it feels to be their sibling and I think the experiences of siblings is relevant.

Despite the parents best efforts to spend time with children on a one to one basis,
the sibling doesn't always feel it, based on my conversations with a few siblings. I'm not saying this is the case in every single situation.

Blackcatonthesofa · 07/09/2017 09:33

If it would have been an activity that your DD's presence would hold back, I could understand SIL. But if it is a tea party that your DD can participate in she should be invited.

AgentProvocateur · 07/09/2017 09:35

I posted way back (as a sibling with a negative experience).

For those that feel the thread was derailed and it should be a separate thread, there have been a few over the years, but what happens is that parents of disabled children come on, understandably upset, and are aggressive towards the posters.

There is no place where adult siblings can discuss their experiences without criticism (other than in expensive counselling) and it's really not on for posters on this thread to tell others what they should and shouldn't post about. Our views are just as valid as those of adult siblings whose lives have been enhanced by having a disabled sibling.

lljkk · 07/09/2017 09:40

OP: it's a party with similar aged school friends to which an older cousin has been invited but the younger one not.... not a family party as such, but hosted by family and with family members present (SIL, grandma, granddad, great-grandma).

We're all interpretting that situation differently (shrug).

To me, it sounds like a party at which some relatives happen to be present & one child cousin was even invited. Others think it's very much intended to be a family party to which some friends also happen to be invited. My crystal ball is defunct so I've no idea how this party idea evolved.

(SIL doesn't count, though, in terms of assessing if this is a "family party"?)

zzzzz · 07/09/2017 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notreallyarsed · 07/09/2017 09:48

I agree with zzzzz, there should be a place where siblings can discuss their feelings and experiences, I've said this numerous times.

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