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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just hung up on my Mum .....

108 replies

RiseToday · 04/09/2017 10:43

My 2.5 yr old started part time nursery this morning. I'm obviously feeling a mixture of emotions but it's a lovely place and I think he's more than ready for it.

I arrived home to find a missed call from my Mum. So I called her back and the conversation went like this:

Her: How's that baba, was he ok going into nursery?
Me: Yes he was fine, the staff ask you to do a quick goodbye and leave. I do feel a bit sick though......
Her: Oh yes I feel sick too (at the thought of him being at nursery) and I think he's far too young and small to be left really....
Me: FFS Mum, do you really think that's what I want to hear right now!?
Her: OH I ALWAYS SAY THE WRONG THING, I'M GOING NOW
Me: FINE, BYE. (put phone down).

I am fucking seething right now. She has form for this kind of thing, likes to make it all about her/her feelings/her opinions. But telling me that he's too young and small to be left at nursery, is basically her way of piling on the guilt, undermining me, not having my back AT ALL.

She's the kind of person who finds it hard to empathise. If I say to her, Oh this happened and it really upset me, she will say: Well, you should have done xyz, why did you do that? Why didn't you say that? I wouldn't have done that etc...

What's pissed me off the most about that conversation was her response when I called her out on it. Instead of apologising or recognising that what she said was really self absorbed, not to mention fucking ridiculous, he's 2.5 FFS, it's not like I'm sending him to borstal. She will immediately jump on the defensive, telling me she can never say the right thing to me (she does this a lot).

God I'm just so fucked off right now.

OP posts:

icelollycraving · 04/09/2017 10:50

Sounds like a normal bicker between family tbh.

Bubba1234 · 04/09/2017 10:53

Sounds like my mum all over. I left mine into crèche when he was one mum protesting that it wasn't safe to do so. My son thrived and has excellent social skills. If I left him with a childminder he would have been lonely

gamerchick · 04/09/2017 10:54

Your mother sounds like mine, bravo

Of course now she will expect you to make the peace with her before she sends flying monkeys.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 04/09/2017 10:54

She's being ridiculous. 2.5? He'll have a great time! Don't feel guilty, she's just trying to insert herself into an imagined drama.

Notevilstepmother · 04/09/2017 10:55

I'm not surprised you are cross with her. She missed the line for tact being handed out.

Meanwhile at nursery I expect your DC is totally fine and enjoying himself.

You haven't left him, you have taken him somewhere he can play, make friends and have a lovely time.

Next time she says about never saying the right thing, maybe say "well, you said it yourself, you should work on that!"

Hope you feel better, don't let her spoil your day, have a nice and some .

Haudyerwheesht · 04/09/2017 10:56

Sounds like my mum who I love dearly but omfg she's hard work.

StickyFingersLou · 04/09/2017 10:56

Are you me, OP?

My mum does exactly this too- transforms the conversation to being all about her and her feelings.

I was offered my dream job in the USA when I finished university. I was delighted but nervous. My mum's response was "Oh no, how am I going to come and see you?"

That moment was like an epiphany for me. I saw just how myopic and selfish she is.

I call her out on it as much as I can but it's like it's inherent. I find it hard to say "You just said that and that was unreasonable" because everything she says is unreasonable and it's just such a part of her personality that it's hard to pinpoint moments when it happens.

You did well to call her out and hang up. Your DS going to nursery is about him and you, no-one else. Fuck everyone else.

DewDropsonKittens · 04/09/2017 10:58

My mum does this.

I usually respond with pointing out that i am sure she was equally judged by her own mother

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/09/2017 10:59

Not my mum, but My nan was like that. Quite frankly had too much to bloody say.
Its not worth falling out over though. Life's too short for all that.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 04/09/2017 10:59

She has successfully made this morning all about her.

If I were you, I'd do anything possible to get my brain focussed on anything except her. Get her out of your head and get on with your day as planned.

DS will be having a brilliant time.

Original poster

RiseToday · 04/09/2017 11:04

Thanks everyone - nice to know I'm not alone with this problem.

Another favourite of hers is "Oh you're so sensitive, I can never say anything to you"

Er no, I just don't appreciate unwanted advice/comments that are never helpful, only antagonistic. If you're going to make it all about you then fine, own it. Don't get on the defensive and make out that I'm the one with the problem.

All I wanted her to say today was: Don't worry love, he'll have a great time, you enjoy a few hours to yourself. Fucking hell, what a pipe dream that is.....

I've just this minute had a call from the nursery, apparently they do this on the first day, which is very courteous of them I must say! Anyway he's fine, having a great time, no problems, no tears.

FUCK YOU MUM.

OP posts:

mrsRosaPimento · 04/09/2017 11:06

Think of a grey rock when she talks to you like this. It's a big step trusting someone with your baby, but it's the right thing. I'm all of a lather because ds1 is going to school on the bus from now on. He's 13. It's within our town. He needs more independence. This is what parenting is , guiding our dcs to the next step. Your mum is rather over invested, you're his mum, not her! You're doing the right thing.

ofudginghell · 04/09/2017 11:13

Get used to it now op they get worse
I have three dc and my mum is always the best at the comments that make you panic a little more than you already are at that point

Like two yr old dd had a temp and was lethargic on more than one occasion due to viruses bugs etc etc.
I remember one particular time she was really unwell over a bank holiday and I called ooh to see if I could take her to be checked my an on duty dr.
Mother appears at ours in the process of said call and declares there's a lot of children contracting meningitis at the moment and she's heard it's on the increase
Dh dealt with the situation very well whilst I nearly turned into a blubbering mess.

I also remember the time dd had her mmr booster and had a temp for a few days just before we were due to fly to Spain on holiday. She spent an hour telling me she'd heard hospitals and medical emergencies there were awful and that if it was her child she would be too scared to leave the country with her

You will need a thick skin and plenty of armour for the next few years at least

notanotherNC · 04/09/2017 11:23

I have the opposite with my mum. I always thought mine were too young for stuff and she was trying to force me to send them to nursery really young. I just ignored her and did my own thing. We all have different ideas. Would you rather your mum lied to you and just went along with whatever you said and did?

Headofthehive55 · 04/09/2017 11:25

Sometimes people say what a lot of people think - when a more tactful response would be "lovely dear"

sticky
Would you want you mum to voice fears over not being able to see you?
If my DD got a job overseas I wouldn't be able to visit her. (I wouldn't be able to get insurance) but I don't think she realises. At what point do you think I should mention it?

BadgersBum · 04/09/2017 11:28

Sounds pretty much like my mum too. But I have the added joy of her gushing how everything my DSis has done for her children is marvelous and newsworthy, but when I've done the same for my DS I'm made to feel like crap - e.g. Dsis formula fed through choice after she didn't enjoy breastfeeding her first child: "Oh she's made the right decision, it just wasn't suiting her lifestyle", I formula fed due to being unable to breastfeed "No wonder he has colic, it's that STUFF you're feeding him!" Dsis went back to work after 6 months, leaving her DS with a childminder "Oh she's desperate to resume her career and he's so happy and coming along well seeing different faces", I went back to work after 2 years "He'll think you're abandoning him, poor thing!"

I've now mastered the art of scowling whilst simultaneously raising my eyebrow at her.

ifonly4 · 04/09/2017 11:30

This morning, for obvious reasons, hasn't been easy for you to deal with.

You know what your relationship is like with your Mum. If it's the odd thing you don't agree on, then (even if you don't feel like it) take the first step, phone her and say you don't want to argue again and just wanted her to know how your DS got on. Hopefully she'll take the hint and move on.

If it's more than that, then you need to take time to consider how much you can cope with her (my Mum isn't easy and we had 18 months of not speaking - upsetting but I was a lot more relaxed!).

Original poster

RiseToday · 04/09/2017 11:31

I don't expect her to share all of my ideas/views.

If I said to her, oh I'm thinking of doing a tandem bungee jump with toddler DS then I couldn't really blame her for voicing concern.

But being melodramatic about a 2.5 yr old starting nursery (part time I might add!) and making me feel guilty about it when I'm already feeling a little on edge is just beyond what I can deal with right now.

OP posts:

SDaddy007 · 04/09/2017 11:32

Wow, that's quite highly strung.

BadgersBum · 04/09/2017 11:32

I've got to the stage of not telling her 'news' about her own GS, she hasn't got a clue that we're currently having him screened due to his behavioural problems because it will either somehow all be my fault, or I'm trying to put a label on him or something. As opposed to when one of my DSis's children was diagnosed with a developmental delay it was "Fabulous how he's now getting the help he needs"

diddl · 04/09/2017 11:34

Idk, you both sound as dramatic as each other tbh.

StickyFingersLou · 04/09/2017 11:37

Headofthehive It was the fact that it was the first thing she said to me that pissed me off. I was over the moon, I was really proud of myself and I was looking forward to an amazing adventure and she managed to turn it around to be (a) all about her and (b) a negative. I wanted her to say "That's brilliant, you've done really well, you'll have a great time". Instead, when I told her the first thing that came into her mind was about her, not me.

We could have had the conversation about not visiting much later on once I'd got my head around the enormity of the situation and prepared myself for living on the other side of the world.

In your case, I think it'd be absolutely fine to have that conversation once your DD has accepted the job, found a place to live, is feeling excited and has mentally readied herself for it.

But the situation is really different. My mum could have visited- there weren't any insurance or visa issues. But, of course, flying over to the USA on your own is difficult and involves putting yourself out and planning stuff which are two things my mum absolutely stands against. So, it wasn't that she couldn't visit, she just didn't want to.

Ironically, I lived in the USA (11 hour plane journey) for two years and she visited twice, so once a year on average. I now live in the north of England (2 hour train) and she still only visits once a year.

Neutrogena · 04/09/2017 11:37

Ignore her. You're hurting yourself and your child by this petty bickering.

redexpat · 04/09/2017 11:39

I have found my people! Yes Ive hung up on mine a few times.

Original poster

RiseToday · 04/09/2017 11:39

Yep I'm wound pretty tight. That's what years of this kind of interaction does to a person. It's not the odd comment, it's all the time.

OP posts:

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