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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just hung up on my Mum .....

108 replies

RiseToday · 04/09/2017 10:43

My 2.5 yr old started part time nursery this morning. I'm obviously feeling a mixture of emotions but it's a lovely place and I think he's more than ready for it.

I arrived home to find a missed call from my Mum. So I called her back and the conversation went like this:

Her: How's that baba, was he ok going into nursery?
Me: Yes he was fine, the staff ask you to do a quick goodbye and leave. I do feel a bit sick though......
Her: Oh yes I feel sick too (at the thought of him being at nursery) and I think he's far too young and small to be left really....
Me: FFS Mum, do you really think that's what I want to hear right now!?
Her: OH I ALWAYS SAY THE WRONG THING, I'M GOING NOW
Me: FINE, BYE. (put phone down).

I am fucking seething right now. She has form for this kind of thing, likes to make it all about her/her feelings/her opinions. But telling me that he's too young and small to be left at nursery, is basically her way of piling on the guilt, undermining me, not having my back AT ALL.

She's the kind of person who finds it hard to empathise. If I say to her, Oh this happened and it really upset me, she will say: Well, you should have done xyz, why did you do that? Why didn't you say that? I wouldn't have done that etc...

What's pissed me off the most about that conversation was her response when I called her out on it. Instead of apologising or recognising that what she said was really self absorbed, not to mention fucking ridiculous, he's 2.5 FFS, it's not like I'm sending him to borstal. She will immediately jump on the defensive, telling me she can never say the right thing to me (she does this a lot).

God I'm just so fucked off right now.

OP posts:

XJerseyGirlX · 04/09/2017 11:41

Yeah, ive hung up on mine a few times instead of saying something to match her inappropriateness!

punkpuffin · 04/09/2017 11:43

That sounds like my mil, she has no tact, and she always turns anything dh says in to a personal attack against her.

hula008 · 04/09/2017 11:45

My favourite when I lived with mum was "Oh why do you always end up crying? You are so sensitive"

When I'd say "I've had enough I'm going upstairs I want to be on my own" knowing that 30 seconds later she would come upstairs and ask for a hug regardless of the fact that I'd asked to be alone and she had just spent the last 30 minutes shouting at me because she disagreed with something I'd said or done.

StatueInTheSky · 04/09/2017 11:48

you just stop telling them any feeling based stuff....they will only use it to score points over you or make it all about them so stick to bare essentials

so if you have to tell her about ds and nursery just make it a fact, don't give any opinion, like a boring "what i did on my holidays story"

"Hi Mum...got up dropped ds at nursery, went for a hair cut, home for coffee, now am phoning you...how is YOUR day?"

Don't give her any leverage into your mind!

TheBewlayBrothers · 04/09/2017 11:56

My mum would say exactly the same thing as this, she is the Queen of "what you should have done was this . . ."

He will have a great time, there's so many activities to do and children to meet!

yummycake123 · 04/09/2017 11:56

YANBU OP, I do the same sometimes (not hung up, but stop her right there). I've learnt not to get the RAGE when my mum says judgemental stuff or things that annoy me. I just tell her "Look Mum, I know that's what you think, but I disagree. So let's change subject", and we move on.
Sometimes she says "Omg, I can't say anything to you"...but I keep changing subject until she moves on. It works.

recklessgran · 04/09/2017 11:56

My mother is exactly the same. I recently told her "Never mind, I've had over 50 years to get used to your disapproval......" the last time she behaved like this towards me. Proper took the wind out of her sails I can tell you and she has "behaved" ever since. Until next time.......

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/09/2017 12:01

My mother is hyper controlling and a narcissist.

You played straight into you mothers hands. It's like a well rehearsed play. You gave her the storyline, ample ammunition and put a target on your head. If you want things to go differently, you have to act differently. It sounds as if your mother perhaps doesn't want to mother you so you're going to have to learn to parent yourself and take care of you. And it's hard.

Hissy · 04/09/2017 12:13

My love - and I say this as someone guilty of it myself - You expected her to buck against the decades of criticism/undermining and generally soul destroying crap she trots out time and time again and for the first time in her life to actually be a complete pole opposite and be NICE and SUPPORTIVE of you.

The one here who is actually being U here is you. Sorry.

You are being U in expecting this leopard to change her spots.

If you want support, empathy, understanding, encouragement and warmth, you are looking in the wrong place if you go to her.

Don't expect her to be the mother you want when she has never been the one you need her to be.

I know this is about as crap a realisation as is possible, but the sooner you understand this the better.

Now that you are a parent yourself, you will see just how fucking awful she is. Learn from it.

Don't look to her for anything. You are much more capable as a parent than she is. Believe in yourself

laurielee23 · 04/09/2017 12:16

My other is also like this. I haven't spoken to her for seven weeks since she hung up on me. Last time she did this we didn't speak for six months. This time I am NOT going to get in touch until she apologises. Which I know she will never do. It's really sad, she's elderly now and time is running out, but i am sick and tired of how crap she makes me feel all the time. She has no empathy. However, she is now bombarding my eldest with phone calls sometimes twice a day and getting her relatives to send me photos of her on WhatsApp. It makes me sick.

Mothers have a unique way of making us feel constantly awful and not good enough. If they are this type of mother, that is. I have given up hoping I will ever have the sort of relationship that might have been, she is incapable of it.

nonetcurtains · 04/09/2017 12:18

I don't get the 'what you should have done ...' comments, more of a put down 'What I would have done is ...' sigh

gamerchick · 04/09/2017 12:22

She has no empathy. However, she is now bombarding my eldest with phone calls sometimes twice a day and getting her relatives to send me photos of her on WhatsApp. It makes me sick.

Yeah mine does this. The relatives I have no problem telling where to go but still can't figure out or comprehend using my child.

They really are awful aren't they?!

Original poster

RiseToday · 04/09/2017 12:22

Wow some very poignant posts here and as hard as it might be for me to accept you are all completely correct.

I cannot change her, only my own response. I agree, I played straight into her hands by exploding and hanging up. I guess she manages to tap into my insecurities and emotions and at times, I cannot control my outbursts. Having said that, even if I had said nothing and let it go, I would have still spent the morning seething away. So it's a no win situation for me until I can learn to do the impossible - which is, not let her get to me!

Any ideas on how to do that?!

Also I've told myself time and time again, don't tell her too much, keep it superficial and yet I still make the same mistakes.

I'm as much angry with myself as I am with her.

Any suggestions on how I should play this now? I can't bring myself to ring her and act normally, nor do I want to apologise.

OP posts:

laurielee23 · 04/09/2017 12:26

gamerchick... it makes it worse that these relatives are people who i haven't seen for years and years and have no relationship with. She is visiting them and playing happy families despite not having seen her grandchildren in years and she she only gets in touch with my eldest so she can pretend she has 'news' of us. She likes to pretend all is lovely and pass on info about our doings, but has no genuine interest.

I can't say to my eldest 'don't tell Granny what we're doing'. It doesn't exactly set a good standard , but i hate the way she manipulates things.

Mittens1969 · 04/09/2017 12:27

Wow, your mum sounds like mine lol. For a moment I wondered if you might be my DSis because my dnephew is starting nursery soon too, and I can anticipate almost exactly that conversation with our DM. Obviously there are others with a mum like ours.

You have my sympathy, OP. Good to know your DS has settled in well.

gamerchick · 04/09/2017 12:27

Then don't, let her stew.
You're really must concentrate on sharing as little as possible with her though. It's horrible and goes against what nature says about mothers but it's the only way for minimum earache. I get the earache for not telling her anything but that doesn't make me want to chin her so I can live with it.

gotthemoononastick · 04/09/2017 12:30

Ha ha...all our gels on here today,I see !!!

Thou art thy mother's glass and all that....

Indeed ,leopards can not change their spots. Just remember you too carry the spots in your makeup...quite a shock when they appear in later life!

SaveMeBarry · 04/09/2017 12:31

Rise you don't need to phone her or do anything for the moment. If she wants to sulk let her but it's more likely she'll get in touch with you as she'll want to know how he's doing in nursery. Well I'm guessing given she rang this morning to find out how drop off went. Just make up your mind that she'll crack before you do

gamerchick · 04/09/2017 12:32

I can't say to my eldest 'don't tell Granny what we're doing'. It doesn't exactly set a good standard , but i hate the way she manipulates things

Exactly! Although I do sometimes explain why I don't want her to know something yet but he's no match for her manipulation and you can't push it because it's not fair on the bairns.

Feel your pains (and flying monkeys)

Ropsleybunny · 04/09/2017 12:33

When will DM and DMIL learn to keep their mouths shut? 💐

Mittens1969 · 04/09/2017 12:35

My DM's next thing is the 'I told you so' thing where she says, 'But I said you should do it this way.'

And she loves to say, 'This is not a criticism...' and, 'You don't have to do this, it's just a suggested.' She'll say she's in 'problem solving' mode.

Drip, drip, drip, she doesn't give up. Sadly she's not likely to change now, at 78.

Original poster

RiseToday · 04/09/2017 12:36

Moon
God I hope not! This is not a legacy that I want to perpetuate.

Hissy
You have nailed it. I think your post needs to become my mantra.

gamer
at chinning her. I've had some murderous thoughts at times.

I think what I find the biggest head fuck of all is that at times, she can be compassionate, says the right thing, makes me feel better and I grasp onto that and fall straight back into the trap again.

OP posts:

recklessgran · 04/09/2017 12:41

RiseToday, whatever you do - don't phone her. She knows she can manipulate you so try to protect yourself by not interacting with her until she apologises. I'm so sorry but she isn't going to change. My mother is really awful and always has been. I was recently having a conversation with a friend about how sorry I am that my DD's have never had a "proper" granny. She said why expect that she would be a good and loving granny as she has always been a crap mother so why would I think she would be any different as a granny? That was cathartic for me actually as I'd never thought of it like that.
Whatever you do you need to pretend that you don't care one bit what she thinks about you or what you do. It never stops hurting and I'm sorry that you are going through this. You are not alone! [My previous post may be worth a try when she does finally make contact.]

laurielee23 · 04/09/2017 12:50

RiseToday - I just wonder if your mother is trying to self justify her own mothering. I know my mother criticised me for sending my children to nursery and was always going on and on about the 'damage' it does to children when their mothers work. This was to justify her own choices. If you see it that way, it might help. Did she stay at home with you? I think also, for a lot of mothers it is jealousy. They feel they had to do things a certain way and don't see why mothers these days should have what they didn't - a break from childcare. Sounds cruel, but I do think it's true.

laurielee23 · 04/09/2017 12:52

I also totally relate to what you say about being drawn in when they are 'nice' , only to fall for the old tricks. I have done this time and time again. I think 'Oh, things might finally change, we seem to have a better relationship' Then she will suddenly turn on me and make a really vicious remark which leaves me literally speechless, just out of nowhere. I really don't understand her mentality.

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