Just hung up on my Mum .....

[RiseToday]

My 2.5 yr old started part time nursery this morning. I'm obviously feeling a mixture of emotions but it's a lovely place and I think he's more than ready for it.

I arrived home to find a missed call from my Mum. So I called her back and the conversation went like this:

Her: How's that baba, was he ok going into nursery?
Me: Yes he was fine, the staff ask you to do a quick goodbye and leave. I do feel a bit sick though......
Her: Oh yes I feel sick too (at the thought of him being at nursery) and I think he's far too young and small to be left really....
Me: FFS Mum, do you really think that's what I want to hear right now!?
Her: OH I ALWAYS SAY THE WRONG THING, I'M GOING NOW
Me: FINE, BYE. (put phone down).

I am fucking seething right now. She has form for this kind of thing, likes to make it all about her/her feelings/her opinions. But telling me that he's too young and small to be left at nursery, is basically her way of piling on the guilt, undermining me, not having my back AT ALL.

She's the kind of person who finds it hard to empathise. If I say to her, Oh this happened and it really upset me, she will say: Well, you should have done xyz, why did you do that? Why didn't you say that? I wouldn't have done that etc...

What's pissed me off the most about that conversation was her response when I called her out on it. Instead of apologising or recognising that what she said was really self absorbed, not to mention fucking ridiculous, he's 2.5 FFS, it's not like I'm sending him to borstal. She will immediately jump on the defensive, telling me she can never say the right thing to me (she does this a lot).

God I'm just so fucked off right now.

You can retrain your behaviours faster with self hypnosis. You could try these:
www.hypnosisdownloads.com/difficult-people

You are a grown up! You do not have to feel "sick to your stomach" because your mum was rude and you called her out on it. She is not in charge of you any more.

So re yesterdays conversation, when she came out with "he's too young, small, shouldn't be in nursery" etc, should I have just responded with - Uh-huh, ok, have a nice day, bye-bye.....

If so, how do I then deal with the feelings of rage that follow? If I hadn't blown up at her it would still have ruined my entire morning, so I feel like i'm in a lose/lose situation.

The big unknown is how do I not let it affect me? How do I grow the proverbial thick skin?

Laurie Sorry you're dealing with the same thing. I've been there many times too, desperate for approval/emotional support/maternal love etc and you just end up getting shat on time and time again.

Comtesse, if only it were that easy! Mothers have a way of sticking the knife in the guts no matter what age we are. There is a part of us which always needs their love and approval, no matter what. Also, even when someone dies who we have not have a good relationship with, we grieve what we never had . Sorry for sticking my oar in, I know it's not my thread!
RiseToday - i wish I knew. I bottle up all the rage and anger and try to keep the lid on. A conversation with my mother ruins my week quite often. I seethe and seethe and feel physical sick afterwards. Just as I've got my equilibrium back... she calls again. I totally understand how you feel.

It's ok to feel rage! It's ok to get cross, GET CROSS!

But she does not have to see it, and actually it's best if she doesn't, she'll know she's got to you

The best you can do if overcome with annoyance is say "don't be so ridiculous" and end the call or leave or whatever.

Our issues stem from bottling things up, its unhealthy, we need to vent, to scream into a pillow or whatever.

It's ok.

(((Hug)))

If you need space, let voicemail take the calls, you don't have to speak to everyone if you don't want to. You're mothers, wives, managers, employees

The world revolves around a different sun these days.

Laurie please say whatever you need to here, you're certainly not sticking you oar in :)

Hissy Will you be my mum!?

I'm very scarily almost 50, I dare say I'd be a better big sister... surely? . quiet at the back, you lot!

I went through this with my parents, it wasn't until I became a mother, that it started to become more evident tonne, bizarrely more noticeable from my dad.

My mum however had always just let him say things, never undid them, and on occasion she herself would be a sneaky and underhanded put down merchant, mostly by silences or she'd look the other way if I needed support

Of course she'd tell all and sundry the things she'd done and how she'd helped me, but it was all a pack of lies!

She believed it tho, and sadly so did others. The truth was so cruel, they couldn't believe this little woman, a mother, would do such a thing.

Apparently she's devastated not to be in my life.

Not devastated to apologise for hurting me, nor for telling me that "we were never that close" so that's why she didn't bother to give me details of her new house 4+ hours away.. oh no..