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Original poster

Just hung up on my Mum .....

108 replies

RiseToday · 04/09/2017 10:43

My 2.5 yr old started part time nursery this morning. I'm obviously feeling a mixture of emotions but it's a lovely place and I think he's more than ready for it.

I arrived home to find a missed call from my Mum. So I called her back and the conversation went like this:

Her: How's that baba, was he ok going into nursery?
Me: Yes he was fine, the staff ask you to do a quick goodbye and leave. I do feel a bit sick though......
Her: Oh yes I feel sick too (at the thought of him being at nursery) and I think he's far too young and small to be left really....
Me: FFS Mum, do you really think that's what I want to hear right now!?
Her: OH I ALWAYS SAY THE WRONG THING, I'M GOING NOW
Me: FINE, BYE. (put phone down).

I am fucking seething right now. She has form for this kind of thing, likes to make it all about her/her feelings/her opinions. But telling me that he's too young and small to be left at nursery, is basically her way of piling on the guilt, undermining me, not having my back AT ALL.

She's the kind of person who finds it hard to empathise. If I say to her, Oh this happened and it really upset me, she will say: Well, you should have done xyz, why did you do that? Why didn't you say that? I wouldn't have done that etc...

What's pissed me off the most about that conversation was her response when I called her out on it. Instead of apologising or recognising that what she said was really self absorbed, not to mention fucking ridiculous, he's 2.5 FFS, it's not like I'm sending him to borstal. She will immediately jump on the defensive, telling me she can never say the right thing to me (she does this a lot).

God I'm just so fucked off right now.

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 04/09/2017 15:51

I haven't seen the stately homes thread, but I've certainly followed enough threads to know how dysfunctional so many families are. It's very sad.

Your DM seems to be expecting you to act out a similar relationship dynamic to the one she had with her mother, hence the way she presses your buttons. But she may not be doing that consciously, she is how she is, and sadly you won't change her now.

HappylandToysEverywhere · 04/09/2017 15:51

This is my Mum down to an absolute T!!!!!!!!!

I'm certain my Mum is a narcissist as she has no physical ability to empathise or show compassion. Defensive, always turns it on me. Plays the victim. Even when I was nearly dying when I was pregnant, and screaming in agony in the hospital, whilst the doctors were desperately trying to treat me, she was shouting at me. Phone conversations/arguments always end with her saying "Oh I'm going now"

I personally think mediation is the way forward.....

HappylandToysEverywhere · 04/09/2017 16:00

BadgersBum PLEASE tell me you confronted her about the Formula comment and her blatant hypocrisy?! What did she say?
I'd be getting right in her face and asking "What was it Dsis fed DN again???????"

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 04/09/2017 16:02

I hung up on my mum yet again today too. Was sobbing down the phone at her because I've been told I should try to get a referral to social care as I'm struggling to cope as a lone parent to my DC one of whom is disabled and she's screeched "no don't tell you can't cope they will take the kids away split them up probably and then I wont ever see them again". I'm at crisis point and as usual it's all about her Hmm

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/09/2017 16:15

LittleMy Flowers. Sounds so much like my mother. And yes, sounds like my mother Happyland too. Everything is about her. If it got really serious, I'd see her wailing about how she may lose me. As in lose her punch bag.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 04/09/2017 16:18

Hung up on mine once, and didn't speak to her again for 2 years. Best 2 years of my life! Grin

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 04/09/2017 17:52

I'd do exactly what Contessa suggested

Text back "Thanks. Speak soon xxx"
Accepts the apology, doesn't get into detail.

Never respond too quickly. Leave it a few hours. Too quick a response feeds drama.

You are far better off giving the impression that you hardly gave her a thought after your conversation and certainly haven't been thinking about her all morning. You are not desperate to make up, you don't want drama, you haven't been checking your phone.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 04/09/2017 17:55

My mum just put a stupid picture thing on Fakebook about praying for her grandchildren. I laughed and laughed and laughed because she's nuts, but her heart's in the right place...

Gottagetmoving · 04/09/2017 18:02

We are all a bit like that in our family. It's normal to us and no one really takes any notice anyway.
Your mum is who she is so by now you should have learned to ignore it. You don't need her approval.

Original poster
RiseToday · 04/09/2017 19:39

I shall report back later, if we speak on the phone.

I'll do what you suggest Rabbit - keep it breezy, accept the apology if there is one and make sure I tell her what a great time he had. I shall learn from this and I need to make damn sure I don't keep putting myself in this position.

OP posts:
WhoresDoeuvres · 04/09/2017 20:34

In fairness, there are a lot of studies saying nursery before age 3 is traumatic for kids and not of any benefit to them, despite it being social norm in the UK.

But her choice of moment was poorly timed. There was nothing you could really do once he'd gone.

Tiredmum100 · 04/09/2017 20:37

Both my sons started nursery immediately after their 2 nd birthdays and absolutely loved it. Take no notice of your mum.

Willdoublecheck · 04/09/2017 20:45

Oh my goodness, this is TOTALLY my mum too!! Over the years I have just withdrawn more and more.

Unfortunately, her inability and actual point blank refusal of ceasing to make comments such as these, had lead to a poor relationship between us.

I only tell her surface level stuff, and never anything about my emotions/worries/frustrations.

It's sad because I don't have much other family, to speak of. My friends and husband are my replacement family.

Mupflup · 04/09/2017 22:20

This reminds me of the time that DBs long term girlfriend cheated on him with one of his mates, when he found out he left her and turned up on my doorstep in bits. I called my mother to let her know and her response was 'how could he do this to me, I'm so upset, your step dad went guarantor for their rent and what if they don't pay it'. Never mind her heartbroken son bawling his eyes out!

HappylandToysEverywhere · 05/09/2017 01:04

I cannot believe you got an apology!!!!!

I've never had one from my mother - ever! Except in jest.

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuckKeidis · 05/09/2017 01:07

Are you my long lost sister? My mum would do that.

Original poster
RiseToday · 05/09/2017 09:46

Well we didn't speak last night....

I was expecting her to call me, perhaps she was thinking the same of me.

Perhaps she's seen this thread GrinShock

OP posts:
nigelsbigface · 05/09/2017 11:56

That's my mum to a tee OP... says the wrong thing without thinking then gets angry if anyone dares to be hurt by it.
It's quite tiring sometimes. I see other people a relationships with their mums and they (outwardly as I guess you never know what lies beneath) seem so supportive and lovely-I get quite envious. My mum and I love each other but we will never be good friends because of this sort of thing.

Original poster
RiseToday · 05/09/2017 15:44

So we've spoken. I called her in the end after waking up feeling sick to my stomach.

It wasn't mentioned at all. She asked how his day went, it was slightly awkward and that was that!

OP posts:
Hissy · 05/09/2017 16:26
  • So we've spoken. I called her in the end after waking up feeling sick to my stomach.

It wasn't mentioned at all. She asked how his day went, it was slightly awkward and that was that!*

So the same ol' same ol' eh? you caved and went back for more approval seeking?

you got her whitewashing and not mentioning anything at all and of course you are WAY too conditioned by her to ever bring it up yourself.

Learn from this. She has a habit of making you feel crap - despite the fact that you are doing something GOOD for your child, and also it's in STARK difference to how she treats OTHERS.

And you go back again and again for more....

To make things different, you have to be different. yes you will feel fear - it's the excruciating childhood fear she drummed into you - its not real!

Original poster
RiseToday · 05/09/2017 20:02

Ugh I know, you're right. I feel pathetic. I guess I just hate confrontation, especially with her. Hanging up was actually quite a big step for me.

So, how to play things going forward? Call her out every time or just make damn sure I keep things very superficial from now on? I can do the latter, she'll hate that, but I know I can do it. Confronting every time is going to be more difficult.....

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/09/2017 21:21

In my experience the confronting makes things worse. Superficial is the way to go.

Over time you will stop feeling sick when she's pissed off with you. She will lose her power over you, you will regain power over yourself.

Original poster
RiseToday · 05/09/2017 21:36

OK cool, superficial it is. I am going to have to drill this thread into my head so as not to forget. It's astonishing how easily I fall back into bad patterns; telling her too much about my life, allowing her to probe, trying to rely on her emotionally. I need to build an impenetrable boundary around me - that is very hard to do.

But what do I do when she invariably will say something to push my buttons? How do I not react badly?

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/09/2017 22:02

Uh huh, yeah, OK.

Oh! A squirrel just ran across my windowsill, how funny / Was that the doorbell? / I heard a funny noise down the phone / oh look what's that up there / gosh I really need the loo/a cup of tea.

100% manage a toddler tactics.

laurielee23 · 05/09/2017 22:03

I can totally relate to this. It is eerie. You are not alone. I too try really hard to keep things superficial. It has got to the point where i sound like a robot. I keep changing the conversation back to what she is doing. It is just so depressing to speak to her. I end up listening to her endless monologues about herself, but give nothing away . Then occasionally I slip up when Im really down or in need of support. Out comes the knife again, and the whole bloody cycle starts again. It is truly awful, isnt it? I really feel for you.