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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just hung up on my Mum .....

108 replies

RiseToday · 04/09/2017 10:43

My 2.5 yr old started part time nursery this morning. I'm obviously feeling a mixture of emotions but it's a lovely place and I think he's more than ready for it.

I arrived home to find a missed call from my Mum. So I called her back and the conversation went like this:

Her: How's that baba, was he ok going into nursery?
Me: Yes he was fine, the staff ask you to do a quick goodbye and leave. I do feel a bit sick though......
Her: Oh yes I feel sick too (at the thought of him being at nursery) and I think he's far too young and small to be left really....
Me: FFS Mum, do you really think that's what I want to hear right now!?
Her: OH I ALWAYS SAY THE WRONG THING, I'M GOING NOW
Me: FINE, BYE. (put phone down).

I am fucking seething right now. She has form for this kind of thing, likes to make it all about her/her feelings/her opinions. But telling me that he's too young and small to be left at nursery, is basically her way of piling on the guilt, undermining me, not having my back AT ALL.

She's the kind of person who finds it hard to empathise. If I say to her, Oh this happened and it really upset me, she will say: Well, you should have done xyz, why did you do that? Why didn't you say that? I wouldn't have done that etc...

What's pissed me off the most about that conversation was her response when I called her out on it. Instead of apologising or recognising that what she said was really self absorbed, not to mention fucking ridiculous, he's 2.5 FFS, it's not like I'm sending him to borstal. She will immediately jump on the defensive, telling me she can never say the right thing to me (she does this a lot).

God I'm just so fucked off right now.

OP posts:
gingergenius · 04/09/2017 12:57

I've had similar op. It sucks and is completely infuriating. Call her on it every single time.

Giraffey1 · 04/09/2017 12:59

"Oh you're so sensitive, I can never say anything to you"

Perhaps you should respond when she says this ... "Mum, if you weren't so blunt and unthinking I wouldn't have to respond like this.

But also, if you know what she is like, don't make comments that 'invite her' (in her mind) to say something unkind. So instead of telling her you felt a bit sick, leaving DC, say .. "The staff were lovely and welcoming and DC went happily with them to play."

Go for the positives and not the negatives.

SaucyJack · 04/09/2017 13:04

Calling them on it doesn't always work.

Usually, with mothers like this, they absolutely did mean to be so rude.

Keeping you second-guessing yourself, and lacking in confidence in your own decisions is a means to control. To maintain their position as the "alpha mother" in the family who knows best.

It took me over 30 years to recognise that my mother was chatting shit 80% of the time, and was just playing whatever Devil's advocate position was necessary in order to criticise my choices and my lifestyle.

Magicpaintbrush · 04/09/2017 13:05

Nursery will be fantastic for your little one. He will develop the social skills and confidence and independence that he will need to prepare him for primary school!!! He will make some little friends and have so much fun and learn so much.

Your mum is talking absolute crap. Ignore!!!

HorridHenryrule · 04/09/2017 13:08

Do you think she is jealous of your life?

When my kids get older I like to think that I can be there for them when they need me. I would never say that to them I would probably come out with "I wish I was there looking after them and helping you out". I wish my own mother would say that to me. The comment you got from your mother wasn't helpful. Maybe try and not tell her anything personal going on in your life.

Changeschangechangeagain · 04/09/2017 13:09

Excellent post hissy

anotherniceday · 04/09/2017 13:38

Sounds like my mother.

She's very critical and if you call her on it she says

I can't help how I am

Well yes you can, Mother!
Animals can't help how they are.
However, humans should have evolved enough to know that if you continue to upset people with your behavior and comments, you need to take steps to change that behavior.
It's not difficult.

Of course i never say any of the above because it would go in one ear and out the other

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 04/09/2017 13:39

When I was first learning to manage my mother in a way that protected my MH, I used to prepare a list of safe topics to talk about. I made as many as possible about her. I have been known to write down little soundbites to use when stuck for something to say when she's being a cow or fishing for something to be a cow about. A glance at the paper kept me grounded when under pressure

I still do this before I talk to her though most is second nature now so I don't need to write it down, it's just a mental exercise. I openly discuss what's safe and not safe with my siblings. Some topics result in massive rants about other family members, nothing to do with me, so there are many considerations. We don't talk much.

anotherniceday · 04/09/2017 13:40

I'm going to try Giraffey's way on her.

anotherniceday · 04/09/2017 13:41

We do that Rabit,
Try to stick to safe topics.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 04/09/2017 13:42

My DM never hears me say anything negative about anything now. Everything is lovely. It's a bit like I live in the Lego Movie.

mishfish · 04/09/2017 13:45

Is your mum my mum?

She is exactly the same... and she will question my decisions with questions such as 'are they safe/qualified/not murderers'

She seems to think that I'm 11 and making the decisions for a vulnerable toddler who is actually her child 🙄

Totally emphasise and nice to see we are not alone!

Primrose06 · 04/09/2017 13:46

Sending hugs. Sounds as though you need them.
It is an emotional time for you and she should hàve been supportive .
As long as your child is happy that is the main thing. They are learning so many new skills which will be beneficial to them..
Go treat yourself and if mum mentions it tell how wonderfully happy your child is.

toomuchtooold · 04/09/2017 13:48

Be the grey rock, OP. Everything is always fine, you feel fine about everything, give as little detail as you can about your life without making it look like you're trying to hide anything. Get your comfort from other people. It's natural to keep trying to have a loving relationship with your parents but if she's only interested in point scoring then you need to consciously protect yourself.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 04/09/2017 13:48

I found it surprisingly traumatic when experience showed that if I'm not enabling major drama or allowing myself to be an emotional punchbag or providing cash then she can't be arsed with me.

With DC of my own, it baffles me how self-centred and generally fucked up that is and I'm saying that even knowing that when school's back this week I will get random lengthy dull descriptions of school dinners, scratchy school uniform, who sits where, the bus, etc, probably all at a really inconvenient moment for me, yet I will love it and will listen fairly attentively.

Wanderlust1984 · 04/09/2017 13:55

2.5? Definitely old enough. Mine went in FT nursery from 5 months, needs must!!

Slartybartfast · 04/09/2017 13:59

mine is just the same. infuriating.
dd is 20 and going through a stressful time but my dm is so very stressed about it, completely not helpful. it is like i have to console her not the other way round.
It has got to the stage where, sadly, I can't tell her things. I have to say the bare minimum. But I cant keep it up

Original poster
RiseToday · 04/09/2017 14:01

Some great advice, thanks and sorry I can't reply individually.

I agree with the suggestion that I should not invite her to make these types of remarks and also a big YES to having safe topics to talk about. I have implemented this in the past and then fallen back into the old ways. I need to try much harder with that as it's the only way I can protect myself.

Re her projecting, yes I absolutely agree. She worked full time for all of my childhood, she had no choice financially as was a single parent, but I cannot remember a time that she was home with me. I'm also fairly certain that she told me (recently) that I was in nursery from the age of two!

When we spoke earlier, I asked her - did you say these things to (my) sister when her children were this age and went to nursery? She responded by saying: Well they were older, they were three!

Right, so it's ok for a 3 yr old to go to nursery but not a 2.5 yr old. I feel like she has an answer for everything. If I was to say to her, Mum, you told me I was in nursery from the age of 2, I'm pretty sure she would deny it....

OP posts:
Original poster
RiseToday · 04/09/2017 14:06

UPDATE!

I've just noticed a message from her on my phone that I hadn't seen but it was sent just after we spoke this morning. It says:

Sorry- try and have a nice morning. Speak later x

How should I respond? I really don't want to drag anything out, I know I can only control the bigger situation from my end. It just makes me want to cry.

OP posts:
Ttbb · 04/09/2017 14:07

Women can be so cruel. Next time just pull out a blithe 'at least I am not guilt tripping him or trying to make his feel bad on purpose'.

LaContessaDiPlump · 04/09/2017 14:10

Text back "Thanks. Speak soon xxx"

Accepts the apology, doesn't get into detail.

Hissy · 04/09/2017 14:15

Just leave it for today, focus on your little one and leave her to think about how she treats you.

Trollspoopglitter · 04/09/2017 14:21

You said I feel a bit sick though.
She said I feel a bit sick too.

On what planet is that not you opening up the topic up for discussion with her? She even empathised with you and you turn around and spill your anxiety on her?

I'm in no doubt she winds you up but in this case, you created the fight and escalated it immensely without any help from her Hmm

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/09/2017 14:21

Do not respond; doing so would simply give her an "in" to contact you yet still further. Managing someone like your mother can be and is actually exhausting. I would try the "grey rock" technique on her; i.e. lower all your expectations of her to zero and talk only about topics like the weather.

It is NOT your fault she is like this, you did not make her that way. Her own parents did that lot of damage to her.

Your mother has NO empathy; that is all too apparent and its all about her. She has made this all about her yet again. Those are the sorts of behaviours akin to a narcissist. I would also consider posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on the Relationship pages of this site re your mother as well.

Original poster
RiseToday · 04/09/2017 15:31

I've read the stately homes thread before, possibly commented too but can remember exactly. It's horrifying and comforting in equal measures. Very sad that there are so many dysfunctional relationships.

She definitely had massive issues with her own parents, she's quite vocal about it in fact. She really tries to appease her own mother and seems desperate for approval from her. It's quite an interesting dynamic to watch when I can see the deeper issues at play.

OP posts:
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