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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu my money & dp's children

471 replies

PikaPikaTink · 02/09/2017 19:24

I have been posting for a while but namechange every so often.

I'm expecting to get flamed but here goes.

Dp has 2 children. He used to be a lot more financially secure than me and while he would treat me occasionally, from the outset it was made clear to me that finances were separate as he had to ensure his children's security. This meant i had a lot less security than him as all assets were his and would go to his ex in the event of his death so she could raise the children. We could not buy a house together as he preferred to do it alone to keep things simple and i can't afford to buy alone where we live which meant I had less security than him. He had more spending money than me each month. I accepted this.

I have recently surprisingly come into a lot of money. I've brought myself a property and have a good chunk of cash. Dp has suggested that now "we" can afford to send his children to private school and his ex has suggested that we should be paying more as we have more money now.

However I resent the fact that my windfall is now seen as joint. He did nothing to secure my future when I had less than him yet I'm now expected to supplement his children. I think it's unfair to suddenly decide that we are financial partners now it benefits him when he didn't want to support me when I was worse off. I also don't want the responsibility of paying for his children's schooling - what if we split? If dp wants to increase his contribution to his ex its between him and her but I don't see why I should subsidise this in the circumstances.

Is my stance unreasonable?

OP posts:
KimchiLaLa · 02/09/2017 22:18

This is all v similar to the other private school thread no?

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 02/09/2017 22:25

My first LTB too Grin
Failing that, please put safeguards in place to make sure your DBastard of a partner NEVER touches that money.
He's made his proverbial bed. Now he can go lie in it. The fucker.

WineAndTiramisu · 02/09/2017 22:26

YADNBU. Tell the cheeky fucker to sod off and enjoy your money in whatever way you like Grin

TeaAddict235 · 02/09/2017 22:37

Take your chances and run OP!! You've got your senses, your health and your money. Go!

God bless!!

Flowers
TeaAddict235 · 02/09/2017 22:39

Take your chances and run OP!! You've got your senses, your kindness and your money. Go! You'll find someone who deserves you.

God bless!!

Flowers
Shinesweetfreedom · 02/09/2017 22:42

I have joined mumsnet after reading this site for quite a while,but I had to join as this thread really boils my piss.
Please give this chancer the elbow.
He did not think of you before the windfall.
You could have spent the next ten years with him,he has protected himself,so if you split up you would have had no security.
He had it all lined up,him his kids,his ex.You were not part of the equation.I bet he is going to get you part of the equation now.
Protect yourself,by getting shut of this joker who thinks he has landed himself a meal ticket.

FrogFairy · 02/09/2017 22:44

Prior to your windfall he had no qualms about you being potentially left up shit creek without a paddle.
I hope your reconsideration of your relationship results in you galloping off to hills and him heading off to the Far Side Of Fuck.

ZenNudist · 02/09/2017 22:50

Just tell him very calmly and pleasantly that you will be sticking to the arrangements he set originally.

He sounds like a user and youd be better off without him 😔

WillowWeeping · 02/09/2017 22:56

Does he have any idea how outrageous his suggested is?! Shock

Runninglateeveryday · 02/09/2017 22:58

What an utter piss take don't do it. Remind him it was always his rule that finances were seperate and you intend to keep on this way.

notapizzaeater · 02/09/2017 23:05

Why would his ex think she can have a share of 'your' money, not family money - cheeky bugger.

Butterymuffin · 02/09/2017 23:11

Add me to the list of people saying No Fucking Way. Do not marry him.

deadringer · 02/09/2017 23:15

What a fucking liberty! Yanbu.

Lillygolightly · 02/09/2017 23:19

Agree with everyone else, stick to HIS own arrangement. His money is his and your is YOURS. He absolutely cannot expect to want you to share your financial good fortune when he refused to do the same for you. I'd be firmly telling him to fuck off! If he and the ex want to send their kids to private school then as their parents they can fund it between themselves. Do NOT prop him up financially in any way that allows him to do this as it would be just them same as paying for it anyway.

Cheeky fuckers!!

BumWad · 02/09/2017 23:20

Tell him to fuck right off

Askingforafriendlyneighbour · 02/09/2017 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InvisibleCities · 02/09/2017 23:36

Reconsider the relationship all the way to the rubbish bin...

Has he ever treated you to things the way you are treating his children? Since you came into money even - anything? If he hasn't, he is grasping, greedy, and materialistic. People who selfishly hoard their own money and then put their hands out for everyone else's are invariably rotten people...

Aeviternity · 02/09/2017 23:53

Wow O_O He thinks "Well, I have children" is the answer to everything.

"I will not share my money with you, because I have children and they must come first."

"You must share your money with me and bestow upon them great luxuries, because they are my children and must come first. Even to other people. Did I mention I have children, and how terribly important that makes me?"

Absolutely awful and I'm glad you're standing your ground. He must think he's won the lottery himself - kept his riches away from you and now thinks you're about to hand over your windfall!

MistressDeeCee · 03/09/2017 00:03

Only thing to add to pp is please, please OP - do not marry this man. Fucking cheek - he was all about him & his DCs and ensuring his ex was ok but now you've come into money its all about 'we?'

I hope you do more than not marry him so he can't get his hands on your money and property (please bear in mind he's never made any provision for you) - I hope you leave him. Greedy fucker. He had already made arrangements re his DCs and ex using his own income. Let him stick to that. His ex can help him

& he doesn't respect you - you are there only as an 'add on', to make life easier for him and his DCs. Its only all about you now as you have money. & he sees you as a mug, thats why he could happily mention private schooling for the DCs.

Live your life, treat yourself, dump this man. Its what any women worth her salt and with common sense would do

emmyrose2000 · 03/09/2017 00:42

He's an arsehole. There's no way I'd ever be able to stay in a relationship with someone like that.

Hotheadwheresthecoldbath · 03/09/2017 00:57

Enjoy YOUR windfall.
His kids have 2 parents to care for them,it is their job not yours.
You are not married,finances are seperate,his choice ,keep to it.
Really think about what you want from this man and in light of his attitude of his reaction to your new situation.Dont marry him,you don't need to and if he asks how can you trust his reasons.
We've all told you our view but it's your choice

RubyGoat · 03/09/2017 01:04

His attitude tells you everything you need to know about him, I suspect. It's all about the money, & it probably always was. If you shared the money with him, & it eventually ran out, would he continue to share his income with you?

AdaColeman · 03/09/2017 01:05

Whatever you do, do not marry him.

In fact run, run for the hills, and don't look back.

He is a selfish greedy user, and will suck your money away as fast as he can if you give him half a chance.

If you do decide to stay with him, though I hope you don't, make sure he isn't mentioned in your will at all, better to leave it to charity than let him get a penny.

Gooseberrytart4 · 03/09/2017 01:20

He's put the kids future first just as you now need to put your future first. That means keeping your cash for you.

quizqueen · 03/09/2017 01:35

Go and live in the house you can now afford to buy and see him as a boyfriend if you want to but he is not partner material, in my opinion.