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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu my money & dp's children

471 replies

PikaPikaTink · 02/09/2017 19:24

I have been posting for a while but namechange every so often.

I'm expecting to get flamed but here goes.

Dp has 2 children. He used to be a lot more financially secure than me and while he would treat me occasionally, from the outset it was made clear to me that finances were separate as he had to ensure his children's security. This meant i had a lot less security than him as all assets were his and would go to his ex in the event of his death so she could raise the children. We could not buy a house together as he preferred to do it alone to keep things simple and i can't afford to buy alone where we live which meant I had less security than him. He had more spending money than me each month. I accepted this.

I have recently surprisingly come into a lot of money. I've brought myself a property and have a good chunk of cash. Dp has suggested that now "we" can afford to send his children to private school and his ex has suggested that we should be paying more as we have more money now.

However I resent the fact that my windfall is now seen as joint. He did nothing to secure my future when I had less than him yet I'm now expected to supplement his children. I think it's unfair to suddenly decide that we are financial partners now it benefits him when he didn't want to support me when I was worse off. I also don't want the responsibility of paying for his children's schooling - what if we split? If dp wants to increase his contribution to his ex its between him and her but I don't see why I should subsidise this in the circumstances.

Is my stance unreasonable?

OP posts:
SunshineLollipopsRainbows25 · 04/09/2017 21:20

forgot to add.. keep it separate. just like he wanted.

kastiekastie · 04/09/2017 21:24

Once upon a time there was a little red hen... don' t know if you know that story but maybe read it to your partner? Link below in case:
www.enchantedlearning.com/stories/fairytale/littleredhen/story/

Miranda15110 · 04/09/2017 22:13

Tell him all of your money is invested in your house to supplement your retirement. Even if you were married, inheritance (if that's what it is) isn't a joint asset. He's a fair weather friend x

LimeTwist · 04/09/2017 22:15

Run to your lovely new home and don't look back....! The utter cheek of him and his ex...and how does she know about your financial situation...I completely agree with other comments....do not marry him, book a fabulous holiday and enjoy your wonderful good fortune Smile

user1493282396 · 04/09/2017 22:27

I was in a similar situation. I divorced my husband 😂

user1476641978 · 04/09/2017 22:45

NO WAY in hell do you contribute anything to his kids schooling. I'm a lurker on these boards/threads but come on here especially to post to you to say please don't. He's playing you for a fool which you obviously aren't because you know it isn't right. You may never get money like this again so invest it wisely and do what is best for YOU. Congratulations on your new property.

BrendaSmith56 · 04/09/2017 22:53

Ha ha ha.... he's having a 'laff'.... as we would say around here!

kateandme · 04/09/2017 23:10

Please don't do this.what a con artist.disrespectful.money grabbing twit.please keep ur money.if he doesn't accept ur reasons don't accept him in ur life.please take care of this money.

user1493282396 · 04/09/2017 23:10

I was in a similar situation with my husband. I divorced him 😂

kittymamma · 04/09/2017 23:20

If he does propose, I would suggest the line "no, I think it's better that we keep things seperate, you know, to keep everything simple" Grin

I don't get the whole you paying subsidised rent thing. You are not planning on laying stake to his house if you part so why should you be paying more than a subsidised amount? You shouldn't be paying for his investment and you are not a lodger, surely he wants you there? If you were paying 50-50 then I would think that you could claim a legal stake in the property if you were to split. I know officially as a unmarried partner this is hard to do, but I have read about ways it can be done. Paying less ensures that you are not doing this, you are contributing to a home not his house. Just my opinion though.

Abbylee · 04/09/2017 23:23

Dump him. He is selfish and still emotionally involved with ex. Also, be absolutely sure that you do not, under any circumstances combine finances. Maybe also look up "narcissism" or "sociopath" and maybe (Flowers "doormat". This guy is, as my dd would say, loooooserrrrr! Apologies for bluntness, but the ex and private school on top of allowing you nothing really upsets me!

Real, loving dh/dp's care about you in the event of death. They are both user losers.

hvkz · 04/09/2017 23:57

YANBU : you need to take a hard look at your relationship & see
if you can disentangle yourself. The future on his terms does not
look good for you and it sounds like he may be incapable of
understanding an alternative point of view.

accidentalbride · 05/09/2017 00:02

Run as fast as you can!!!

LookingforMaryPoppins · 05/09/2017 00:32

Omg! That's unbelievable.

You absolutely are not being unreasonable. He absolutely is.
He has shown no thought towards you / your security. It is possible to make provision for children and partner, they are not mutually exclusive!! wx w a cheeky mare too!

Get rid get rid get rid!

Soodledoo · 05/09/2017 00:34

Yanbu
I would tell home if HE feels he can afford private school for his DC then HE should pay for it. It was his idea to keep your finances separate, he can't change his mind now just because you're now in a better financial position.
I'd be moving into that new property of yours and cutting my losses.

SpiritedFlame · 05/09/2017 00:45

Oh my gosh, how flippin' cheeky. If I am honest, I am not sure that I would want to be with somebody like that - he did nothing to support your security yet now wants your money to increase his money.

I would definitely keep your money separate - as he very clearly stated in the beginning. For me; it would be because then you do have the security if things were to change.

I appreciate he wanted to keep his childrens future secure but as his partner, he should have wanted to support you as well and he cannot have it both ways.

YADNBU

keffie12 · 05/09/2017 02:07

I actually read every single page to see if there was one dissenting voice and there wasn't one. Now that doesn't happen too often on MN especially when the P thinks everyone will go against her. I will just add YANBU too. Infact this little tune went through my head, you could leave playing on repeat when you (I hope) leave him. It's by The M people:

You've done me wrong, your time is up
You took a sip from the devil's cup
You broke my heart, there's no way back
Move right out of here, baby, go on pack your bags

Just who do you think you are?
Stop actin' like some kind of star
Just who do you think you are?
Take it like a man, baby, if that's what you are

'Cause I'm movin' on up, you're movin' on out
Movin' on up, nothin' can stop me
Movin' on up, you're movin' on out
Time to break free, nothin' can stop me, yeah
They brag a man has walked in space
But you can't even find my place
There ain't nothin' you can do
'Cause I've had enough of me, baby, bein' part of you

Just who do you think you are?
This time you've gone too far
Just who do you think you are?
Take it like a man, baby, if that's what you are

TheMaddHugger · 05/09/2017 03:05

And ((((((((((((Mega Madd Hugs)))))))))))

Mammyashy1 · 05/09/2017 08:27

I saw the title and was completely ready to have a go. But reading your full post your completely justified.

NotKKW · 05/09/2017 08:35

Ahhh he gave it his best shot! What a cheeky fucker! If your DP and his ex want to send their DC to private school then they can bloody well pay for it!
Book a nice holiday with your mates and leave him at home to think about what he's done WineSmile

BabyLlama · 05/09/2017 08:44

Don't give the cheeky fucker a penny!! He didn't for you. It was his idea to keep finances separate, so say you're keeping it that way - it's what HE wanted in the first place. If it were me I'd be well rid of the money-grabbing numpty.

spaghettithrower · 05/09/2017 09:02

Have you got rid yet OP?

I posted a while back but I am still raging.
How dare they suggest that you pay for their children's private school fees?
What if you wanted that money for your future children's school fees?

No. A world of no.

brassbrass · 05/09/2017 09:03

It is possible to make provision for children and partner, they are not mutually exclusive!!

This with bells on!

He showed no regard for your security when the finances were in his favour. What a greedy entitled shit!

MachineBee · 05/09/2017 09:06

As PP have noted, be cared if he now wants to move to your new property and then rent out his own. Fair enough if he offers to share the rent from it with you, but refuse if he just expects to keep all the money for himself.

Personally, I'd be leaving now. You are financially independent and have a much wider range of options now. Pick wisely.

PoisonousSmurf · 05/09/2017 09:08

Wow! How selfish is he and his 'ex'. Unless he marries you, I'd run for the hills!

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