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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu my money & dp's children

471 replies

PikaPikaTink · 02/09/2017 19:24

I have been posting for a while but namechange every so often.

I'm expecting to get flamed but here goes.

Dp has 2 children. He used to be a lot more financially secure than me and while he would treat me occasionally, from the outset it was made clear to me that finances were separate as he had to ensure his children's security. This meant i had a lot less security than him as all assets were his and would go to his ex in the event of his death so she could raise the children. We could not buy a house together as he preferred to do it alone to keep things simple and i can't afford to buy alone where we live which meant I had less security than him. He had more spending money than me each month. I accepted this.

I have recently surprisingly come into a lot of money. I've brought myself a property and have a good chunk of cash. Dp has suggested that now "we" can afford to send his children to private school and his ex has suggested that we should be paying more as we have more money now.

However I resent the fact that my windfall is now seen as joint. He did nothing to secure my future when I had less than him yet I'm now expected to supplement his children. I think it's unfair to suddenly decide that we are financial partners now it benefits him when he didn't want to support me when I was worse off. I also don't want the responsibility of paying for his children's schooling - what if we split? If dp wants to increase his contribution to his ex its between him and her but I don't see why I should subsidise this in the circumstances.

Is my stance unreasonable?

OP posts:
OhHolyJesus · 02/09/2017 21:13

No no no
Spend or save as you wish, it has nothing to do with your DP. I protected my inheritance before marriage and if you do go down that road I just you do the same with some kind of Pre-nup.
As pp's say he wants his cake and so does his ex quite frankly!
On this alone I would question the future of this relationship as you sound independent and he has other priorities - it doesn't sounds like you're a team.
I hope you make it clear that he is not getting a penny!

expatinscotland · 02/09/2017 21:14

'I will be reconsidering the relationship in due course. It's all been a bit of a blur since I came into money.'

Please get rid of this wanker before he manipulates you into compromising your finances for himself and his benefit. He's not a 'partner' because that implies team playing, he's a crap boyfriend. You could do so much better than this.

I know for university funding purposes, the non-resident parent's partner's income is also taken into consideration for determining the student's entitlement, perhaps this is also true for determining child maintenance.

This alone should signal a great reason to split, but really, this man's waving more red flags than a Maoist convention.

Never make someone a priority when you are only an option to them.

JamesBlonde1 · 02/09/2017 21:15

YANBU. Are him and his ex off their rockers? Cheeky swine. Tell him to do one and I'd definitely be rethinking the relationship. He's not got your back has he?

kittybiscuits · 02/09/2017 21:16

The NRP's partner's income is not considered for child maintenance. She's just being CFX.

Theresnonamesleft · 02/09/2017 21:21

I would have laughed in his face. Then played surprised that he wasn't joking.
Expect now the proposal and triple check your contraception. If your paying for your own, 3 more won't make a difference, after all you are all a family

MaggieSimpson44 · 02/09/2017 21:24

I think one off type gifts, under your control, like those riding lessons or a holiday, are fine if you want to. I presume you have a good relationship with them so would want to treat them a little?
School fees? Higher maintenance payments? Long term commitments?
Yeah, right bog off!!!

How does he treat you generally op? He's coming across as a bit of a user, not really prepared to put that much into the relationship.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/09/2017 21:27

My first thought was also that he will propose very soon.

Do yourself a favour and say no.

MadamePomfrey · 02/09/2017 21:28

I think one off type gifts, under your control, like those riding lessons or a holiday, are fine if you want to.

Completely agree with this!! If you want to spend money on his children that's a lovely thing you can do but it should be your idea and your choice!!!

JaneEyre70 · 02/09/2017 21:28

Do you think he told his ex? It's a funny thing for her to have noticed as such. If he did, he had no right to. But regardless, he drew the line in the sand about keeping finances separate, and for him to sudden want to erase it says a lot about him....and none of it good. Be very wary of any sudden proposals or suggestions about moving in together......... it's nice by the way that you've got his DC riding lessons. To suggest private schools is outrageous of him!!

WatchingFromTheWings · 02/09/2017 21:29

Even if you stay together, i'd be wary of him increasing money to his ex and expecting you to pick up the tab with the day to day bills/food, etc.

sleeponeday · 02/09/2017 21:29

Honestly, OP, I don't really see how your relationship can survive this.

I'm sorry but he wasn't prepared to trust you or look out for your long term interests, in favour of his kids and his ex-wife. Yet now, that ex-wife and he expect you to fund his children.

No. That's not fair. It would be more than fair had he made provision for you to be a part of the family in the past, but this is heads he wins, tails you lose. That's... not okay.

Original poster
PikaPikaTink · 02/09/2017 21:30

I have a coil so no contraception worries!

Yes I'm happy to treat them ti stuff sometimes.

I need to consider the relationship. His attempts to share my windfall when he wouldn't share with me have not painted him in a good light.

This cash was unexpected and shocked us both. I don't think either of us really knew how to act

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 02/09/2017 21:32

'When people show you who they are, believe them.'

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/09/2017 21:32

Was it a lottery win?! I live in hope of one of those!

Maelstrop · 02/09/2017 21:33

Then take your time, OP, but don't let him take the piss.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 02/09/2017 21:37

His attitude towards money like this would certainly make me rethink the relationship.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 02/09/2017 21:41

I bet he thinks the money isn't really yours because you didn't "earn" it.

C0untDucku1a · 02/09/2017 21:43

He is all about whats best for him. I couldnt stay if i had the means to leave.

MadamePomfrey · 02/09/2017 21:47

I bet he thinks the money isn't really yours because you didn't "earn" it.

I don't think he cares if the op had got a promotion that left her better off than him he would still be after the money for his own benefit! He is a selfish arsehole!

DisorderedAllsorts · 02/09/2017 21:47

This would be a complete deal breaker for me, I'd leave the relationship asap before he gets his greedy hands on your money. Your partner & his ex wife now see you as a cash cow & a walking atm machine. Ditch him, get some legal advice to make sure he doesn't have a claim on your money & enjoy the rest of your life.

missmollyhadadolly · 02/09/2017 21:48

Yeah, I bet it's shocked him!

Please don't marry this man or buy a house with him!

AcrossthePond55 · 02/09/2017 21:53

Is that a marriage proposal I smell drifting on a breeze of prospective cocklodging? Beware, OP.

Enjoy your new found wealth any way you wish, include him and his DC or not as you prefer. Just don't tie yourself up legally with this man!

Just out of curiosity...are you living in the house you bought? The one he bought? If it's the one you bought, I'd see a solicitor about any needed paperwork for him to 'quit claim' any possible interest in it. I know you aren't married and normally that's enough, but I'd want to be sure. In fact, if you are living together, no matter where, I'd see a solicitor (on my own) to discuss setting up my finances in such a way as to be sure he had no claim on it and that it would go where I wanted it after my decease. He should do the same if he hasn't already.

Orangebird69 · 02/09/2017 22:06

This thread must surely go into Classics for being a 100% resounding YANBU. Shock

MimsyFluff · 02/09/2017 22:08

If you get tempted to send any child to provide school please consider my DD the high schools around here aren't very good, she is far to bright and we'll have to move. So can you buy us a new house somewhere really expensive with good schools or send her to a nice boarding school? She has two little sisters too so you'll have to pay for them too GrinGrinGrin

I'd dump the cocklodger his about to try and turn into and although we do need to move in 4 years I don't want chairty so put the house in DD's name Wink

theredjellybean · 02/09/2017 22:15

I award you my first ever ltb

Please op...

And Cus I am a nosy so and so... Are we talking a 6 figure number here???

I hope so for you... You sound nice... Take your lovely money and do something for you.
He does not love you... He didn't care what might happen to you financially if he died...

Maybe a world cruise or 6 month luxury break would give you time to think about what to do with your lovely loot... Oh of course he couldn't come after all he needs to be around for the children and ex

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