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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu my money & dp's children

471 replies

PikaPikaTink · 02/09/2017 19:24

I have been posting for a while but namechange every so often.

I'm expecting to get flamed but here goes.

Dp has 2 children. He used to be a lot more financially secure than me and while he would treat me occasionally, from the outset it was made clear to me that finances were separate as he had to ensure his children's security. This meant i had a lot less security than him as all assets were his and would go to his ex in the event of his death so she could raise the children. We could not buy a house together as he preferred to do it alone to keep things simple and i can't afford to buy alone where we live which meant I had less security than him. He had more spending money than me each month. I accepted this.

I have recently surprisingly come into a lot of money. I've brought myself a property and have a good chunk of cash. Dp has suggested that now "we" can afford to send his children to private school and his ex has suggested that we should be paying more as we have more money now.

However I resent the fact that my windfall is now seen as joint. He did nothing to secure my future when I had less than him yet I'm now expected to supplement his children. I think it's unfair to suddenly decide that we are financial partners now it benefits him when he didn't want to support me when I was worse off. I also don't want the responsibility of paying for his children's schooling - what if we split? If dp wants to increase his contribution to his ex its between him and her but I don't see why I should subsidise this in the circumstances.

Is my stance unreasonable?

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 03/09/2017 02:31

Wow! T He cheeky fucker!

Look after yourself and if that were me, I'd leave and start afresh. Protect your assets for you, nothing to do with him, his Dc or his ex

FlamingoF · 03/09/2017 02:46

Good grief I can't believe what I'm reading- private schooling for his kids?! Is he mad? LTB and I do t say that lightly don't let him have a penny of your money.

SoftKittySillyKitty · 03/09/2017 02:58

No no no and no.

I think you are amazingly reasonable to have accepted his terms in the first place, before you came into this windfall.

JWrecks · 03/09/2017 03:05

While I do find it admirable that he's put his children above all else, he's gone entirely too far, the cheeky git. He's got some bloody nerve.

Everything in your lives was "yours" and "mine" - including buying a home you both would live in! Five minutes before he heard about your windfall, it was yours, mine, yours, mine - then he turned a complete 180 immediately!

What an absolute cock. I'm gobsmacked. THANK GOD you've got the sense to enforce HIS OWN ARRANGEMENT upon him OP. THANK GOD you've made the decision you have!!

Oh I just can't believe what a presumptuous, hypocritical, selfish arse this man is!!

SkylarFalls · 03/09/2017 03:27

He's not really a "partner" is he OP, he's been more of a "companion" when it suited him to not share his assets with you, and you are not UR to keep your relationship that way now that you are the one with assets!

Madwoman5 · 03/09/2017 06:02

Understand him protecting his kids. Completely although putting the money into trust is better than just leaving it to the ex. Understand wanting to keep things separate if your relationship was not serious and he could not see a future with you at that point.
Do not understand what your money has to do with the ex, your dp or his kids.
Sounds like he considers you less of a partner than his ex who is having far too much of a say in his life and business.
Fuck that. He laid down the ground rules. He chose to "treat you occasionally". He decided your relationship was not secure enough to share everything he had with you. Now he sees your money as their money.
No no no. Yadnbu.
How you move on from this is going to be hard. I am not sure I could see a future with someone so materialistic and so in cahoots with ex.

magoria · 03/09/2017 06:07

Feel free to tell his ex he had plenty of spare cash to himself every month before so she is welcome to discuss with him if she thinks she should have more of that...

Madwoman5 · 03/09/2017 06:19

How did she find out?

kittybiscuits · 03/09/2017 06:43

Did his infidelity break up the marriage, because it sounds like his ex is calling the shots? Leaving everything to his ex does not necessarily provide for the children. Does she have something on him? Or are they not quite finished?

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/09/2017 06:47

I don't know if you want to get married and/or have children.

If you want either of these things, it's really time to stop wasting your life on him.

londonrach · 03/09/2017 06:52

Yanbu. Doesnt sound a nice guy. Never said this before but ill be questioning the relationship.

Achoopichu · 03/09/2017 06:53

Don't be surprised if he asks to marry you now.

I'm pretty certain that when it comes to maintenance only his income should be counted, especially if you're not married.

On the plus side for him, he obviously very much loves his kids and wants to put them first. That's admirable, but not at your expense.

londonrach · 03/09/2017 06:54

What quiz said. Live in your house, see him as a boyfriend. Hes not partner or husband material. His reaction to your money i wouldnt trust him

calimommy · 03/09/2017 06:58

YANBU at all!! Whatever about him, but his ex can piss off if she thinks she's getting her hands on it.

PidgeonSpray · 03/09/2017 07:04

LTB

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/09/2017 07:18

Why on earth would you pay thousands each year to educate his children

Yes treat them to a holiday riding lessons etc

I understand that he needed to make sure his assets go to his kids

I would buy a house and rent it out

Live with him and his house will go to his kids

Are you likely to have dd with him?

Cailleach666 · 03/09/2017 07:29

Go and live in the house you can now afford to buy and see him as a boyfriend if you want to but he is not partner material, in my opinion.

This x 100.

OK for dates/dinner/sex.

DO NOT LIVE WITH THIS MAN.

LouHotel · 03/09/2017 07:40

This thread is great, was truly expecting you to get some yabu (which i dont agree with)

I bet he's been walking round with a cheeky grin since he heard about the money and has bragged to his ex wife...he probably had a car picked out and the brochures for private school are in the post....do not think this is lmthe last you'll hear of this, i expect it will be joint christmas presents for the kids this year, then a family holiday ect ect..

If you want a life with this man you need to think about what happens when you marry and how assets would be shared between stepchildren and your children - there are many families who manage this easily but difficult when one partner is selfish.

spaghettithrower · 03/09/2017 07:42

Tell him to fuck right off and then move into the property you have bought.
I cannot believe the bloody cheek of it.

spaghettithrower · 03/09/2017 07:43

And if the fucker had died you would have been left with no home, no money nothing.
Outrageous.

ineedwine99 · 03/09/2017 07:45

Sorry no your not at all unreasonable. That money is for you, he can sort out his kids

Sofabitch · 03/09/2017 07:54

all assets were his and would go to his ex in the event of his death

I'm presuming she would have got at peast 50% of the marital assests already in the divorce. This is a man that isn't over his ex.

There is a big difference in providing for his children and being a dick.

ImListening · 03/09/2017 07:59

Well some men are keepers & some aren't. It's clear he isn't so just tell him to do one.

Keep your finances separate & DO NOT MARRY HIM.

Have my first LTB.

GriswaldFamilyVacation · 03/09/2017 08:03

I think he was fair at first, but he's taking the piss now.

LML83 · 03/09/2017 08:10

it is admirable that he wants to protect his children's inheritance if he died. But to leave you with nothing and not buy a house together for this reason is awful.

Surely he would want them to get something but not everything. if he was really concerned he should have insured himself for more so all his loved ones would be financially ok if he died.

Keep your money seperate. It is your security and as he has said you won't get any any where else.