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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu my money & dp's children

471 replies

PikaPikaTink · 02/09/2017 19:24

I have been posting for a while but namechange every so often.

I'm expecting to get flamed but here goes.

Dp has 2 children. He used to be a lot more financially secure than me and while he would treat me occasionally, from the outset it was made clear to me that finances were separate as he had to ensure his children's security. This meant i had a lot less security than him as all assets were his and would go to his ex in the event of his death so she could raise the children. We could not buy a house together as he preferred to do it alone to keep things simple and i can't afford to buy alone where we live which meant I had less security than him. He had more spending money than me each month. I accepted this.

I have recently surprisingly come into a lot of money. I've brought myself a property and have a good chunk of cash. Dp has suggested that now "we" can afford to send his children to private school and his ex has suggested that we should be paying more as we have more money now.

However I resent the fact that my windfall is now seen as joint. He did nothing to secure my future when I had less than him yet I'm now expected to supplement his children. I think it's unfair to suddenly decide that we are financial partners now it benefits him when he didn't want to support me when I was worse off. I also don't want the responsibility of paying for his children's schooling - what if we split? If dp wants to increase his contribution to his ex its between him and her but I don't see why I should subsidise this in the circumstances.

Is my stance unreasonable?

OP posts:
Identity1 · 04/09/2017 19:30

Absolutely no effin way AYBU !! He made the rules for you to follow, he now lives by them too. As for school fees tell him to do one - that is up to him and his ex to sort out, definitely not you and you should not be contributing. He was happy enough not to secure your future and not give a st aboit you - now you dont need to worry about it. How would it have been the other way round..... would he be sharing his pot with you .... I think NOT !!! What a cheeky fr !!!

fullofhope03 · 04/09/2017 19:35

from the outset it was made clear to me that finances were separate
And...
He made his bed when it suited him, he can lie in it now the situation has changed

Absolutely the above. You are definately not BU.

FarmersDaughter84 · 04/09/2017 19:36

I am sad for you. You are not being unreasonable and I would leave your finances separate- as he had previously suggested.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/09/2017 19:43

In all fairness to the ex chances are she knows how much of a cheeky fucker he is and if she has noticed lifestyle improvements has possibly just thought he's had a decent pay rise and not disclosed to her

bsbabas · 04/09/2017 19:43

Leave now he is an insidious creep and an opportunist tell him and his co dependant ex to do one

user1498983411 · 04/09/2017 19:50

Tell him to go f* himself!! Can you believe the brass neck of the man!!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/09/2017 19:59

Absolutely not. Wow, the bleeping cheek of it !

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/09/2017 20:00

Hey, you heard the saying, it applies, "Not your circus, not your monkeys ".

sprockercrazy · 04/09/2017 20:02

I've nothing new to add but just wanted to say that you are absolutely not being unreasonable..!

I am completely astounded at the sheer audacity of both your P and the ex wife , you owe nothing to him or his children and you certainly do not have a financial obligation towards them.

He made the ground rules very clear at the beginning of your relationship now he wants to change them because it will work in his favour - fuck that!!

Like others have said be very suspicious of any proposal right now

LakieLady · 04/09/2017 20:09

A resounding YANBU from me. I was also going to suggest booking a fantastic holiday and taking your mum or a friend. You could lead him on a bit though, just for lols.

PPT: I've found this fantastic beach hotel in Bora Bora. Lovely accommodation, five star everything, total luxury. D'you fancy it?

CF: Sound great, I'd love it. When do you fancy going?

PPT: February. That should give you time to save your £5k, shouldn't it?

I also think he's a cheeky fucker for discussing your finances with his ex.

SherbrookeFosterer · 04/09/2017 20:10

Keep to your current agreement of separate finances and get a good lawyer.

manicmij · 04/09/2017 20:21

How on earth is your windfall now a joint asset. Property is heritable, meaning if you own it, well you own it and no-one else, Also you can leave it in a will to anyone you chose and dp will have absolutely no claim. He has gone to great lengths to explain how his finances were to be handled, you just do the same with yours. Flaming cheek to ask you to support his children. Sounds like he wants his cake and also be able to eat it. YANBU

BewareOfDragons · 04/09/2017 20:26

The thing is, he could have protected you AND his children should the worst happen and he die unexpectedly. It's called LIfe Insurance. He obviously didn't give two hoots about your future, though, and made it clear in words and actions that he didn't, so he is definitely an utter twat to suddenly want to 'share' and you to be supporting his children with expensive educations, etc.

Frankly, I would be looking to move into my new home on my own. He has shown his true colours; you can't unsee them. And they're not pretty.

AyUpMiDuck · 04/09/2017 20:26

YANBU . Drastic action required. Move out, pay your own bills and be his girlfriend. If you decide you can't live without him then consider a formal arrangement or marriage with a pre-nup to protect your assets.

Ginburee · 04/09/2017 20:27

Only saw this tonight and read your post to DH who said 'that is a massive fuck off'.
Basically really bloody cheeky and he would help the children with School trips and such but as you DP stated, finances were separate.
It is a tricky situation to be in but OP please stand firm.

scootinFun · 04/09/2017 20:30

Bloody hell! Keep the finances separate, buy your own place and ensure that you don't marry him or let him move in with you (and let out his place thus funding private school fees)

chatty1 · 04/09/2017 20:36

I agree with everybody else. Also a good way to end the relationship would be by saying he broke your trust and disappointed you a lot. I would tell him I can't continue with him as it seems to be that he was discussing my finances to his ex without my permission , so who knows what else... also I would say I saw him as a devoted father to his kids but now it seems he might not be paying enough for his kids. You might want to ask his ex how much he pays now and how was him with money while married to her. She might be disgusted by how he's been with you too and hopefully disclose more about the man (or not, as she might not want you to break with him now!) Also he has no pride in himself and he is not the devoted provider he was claiming to be as he wants to pass you the bill. He really fell low. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. You deserve better, you've been given a second opportunity in life with this money, take it and don't look back.
If he was a man of principle and YOU offered to pay for his children he should have been embarrassed to accept because of your previous financial agreement and flatly refuse saying 'no, I can't let you do that, you need to do something with that money for your future financial security 'and try to help you, but to ask for the money?? He has shown his true colours, he never cared or respected you, let him go

Cassns1 · 04/09/2017 20:40

I don't think you are being unreasonable. He was quite clear his financial assets were not going to be yours so if I were you I wouldn't feel under any obligation to finance his kids education. Keep your finance separate the way he was always inclined to do, seemingly he didn't give much thought to how you'd cope financially if something happened to him. Lol, that's karma for him. You should maybe get some financial or legal advice regarding your money and who will benefit if god forbid any thing would happen to you. I would keen to spend, spend spend 😀 but maybe save some for that rainy day. Sorry if this is duplicate advice but I haven't rtft. Was a bit pissed of by your DP to be truthful! X

Alidoll · 04/09/2017 20:42

If you aren't married then I'd run...and keep running. There are plenty of decent guys out there who will treat you with respect (something he clearly doesn't understand the concept of).

No way would I be paying for his children to go to private school - his kids, his problem so move out and tell them both to take a hike!

tombstoneteeth · 04/09/2017 20:43

DH left first wife with the house, car, life insurance and one of his pensions, (all abroad) just to have the freedom. He kept only one pension-UK based- for his future. Ex wife has now moved back to UK, having lost a lot of money as the local currency in the country of residence has devalued enormously in the last 20+ years. MIL, very sweet, told DH that he should give the ex the other pension because "you are very well off" - yeah, I've worked and supported us both for many years, and stand to inherit a sizeable amount of money on my parents' demise (they are in their 90s). Ex wife has been moaning about being so hard up, and how it's not fair that we will be rich. WTF? I met him years after he had left her for the sake of his sanity, and MIL never actually liked her.

SoloD · 04/09/2017 20:44

He has made it easy enough, stick with the program now.

Persephone70 · 04/09/2017 20:50

His money was exclusively his when he had more than you, therefore your money is now exclusively yours now that you are the better off partner!
I haven't read the entire thread, so may be repeating previously mentioned points, but your income has absolutely no bearing on what he pays his ex. In fact, if he was claiming that your dc were dependent children in his household, then he would have been paying less child maintenance to his ex (i.e benefitting from having your dc in tow - but, not actually contributing financially to their upbringing).
Your original post rings true with a lot of my current situation (minus the windfall, sadly) and if I took my own advice it would be leave this financially unhealthy relationship - trouble is, that isn't as simple as it sounds.
Please don't sacrifice one penny to your dp or his dc, he paid no mind to your needs when he was in a position to help - you must reciprocate that behaviour.

kittybiscuits · 04/09/2017 20:53

When he proposes, please be sure to say 'Oh, I was warned that would be your next move'.

jayne1976 · 04/09/2017 21:14

No one likes to read a thread where someone is being taken for granted!

Just remember he set the rule of what's his and his previous families is his and what's yours (a lot less so he thought), is yours! His choice!
Again don't understand why you would tell your ex to try take money from your current partner!

SunshineLollipopsRainbows25 · 04/09/2017 21:20

not a chance in hell. I'd tell him exactly what you've just written, it can't be one rule for him and another rule for you, definitely wouldn't be spending my cash on sending his children to private school. that's not a nessesity either if it was food or clothing yeah but not private school. his ex will be taking it for granted she shouldn't even know you have more money it's none of her business, don't let him at your cash.

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