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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu my money & dp's children

471 replies

PikaPikaTink · 02/09/2017 19:24

I have been posting for a while but namechange every so often.

I'm expecting to get flamed but here goes.

Dp has 2 children. He used to be a lot more financially secure than me and while he would treat me occasionally, from the outset it was made clear to me that finances were separate as he had to ensure his children's security. This meant i had a lot less security than him as all assets were his and would go to his ex in the event of his death so she could raise the children. We could not buy a house together as he preferred to do it alone to keep things simple and i can't afford to buy alone where we live which meant I had less security than him. He had more spending money than me each month. I accepted this.

I have recently surprisingly come into a lot of money. I've brought myself a property and have a good chunk of cash. Dp has suggested that now "we" can afford to send his children to private school and his ex has suggested that we should be paying more as we have more money now.

However I resent the fact that my windfall is now seen as joint. He did nothing to secure my future when I had less than him yet I'm now expected to supplement his children. I think it's unfair to suddenly decide that we are financial partners now it benefits him when he didn't want to support me when I was worse off. I also don't want the responsibility of paying for his children's schooling - what if we split? If dp wants to increase his contribution to his ex its between him and her but I don't see why I should subsidise this in the circumstances.

Is my stance unreasonable?

OP posts:
HiggeldyPiggeldy · 03/09/2017 22:30

a father providing for his children and protecting the finances that enable him to do that is a good thing, so many don't.

But the reality of your situation OP is that it has meant you have not really built a life as a couple, you were a effectively a lodger in his house with no security. Now the tables have turned, you have a property and a nest egg that gives you choices, and now he wants to increase the security of his children at your expense, and his ex wants you to contribute by paying more in child support, just what do you get out of this arrangement?

In your position I would be stepping back, moving into my own house and having a think about what you want to do.

kittybiscuits · 03/09/2017 22:35

It wasn't strictly speaking his children he was protecting. It was his ex.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/09/2017 22:52

It wasn't strictly speaking his children he was protecting. It was his ex.

Imo it wasnt the kids or the ex he was protecting, it was him protecting himself and his own money and using the ex and the kids as an excuse.

Kaybush · 03/09/2017 23:41

OP, I really think you should consider moving on from this man. You deserve A LOT better. What an appalling attitude he has. It just doesn't sound like a relationship built on love or respect. RUN!!

Gemini69 · 03/09/2017 23:41

he was protecting himself from OP having any rights or financial security.. he's a Scum Bag ..it was ALL about Him x

MaisyPops · 03/09/2017 23:46

I always think that how a couple arranges their finances is up to them as long as thry are BOTH happy with it.

But as another poster summed it up his attitude is Whats mine is mine and what's yours is ours.

I get he needs to protect his kids and ensure they are provided for and that's why he wants things separate, but separate shluld be separate.

His sudden shift would leave me questioning my place in this relationship.

HiggeldyPiggeldy · 04/09/2017 06:51

so many men go into new relationships leaving their children and financial responsibilities behind is what I meant, he hasn't, and that is a good thing. If the OP had become his priority over the children that would not have been right.

I do still think he has behaved badly towards the OP and not considered her well being or needs at all, and in her shoes I would be stepping right back and seeing how I felt running the fuck away to a lovely holiday in the Maldives, before commencing my new life with a fit millionaire toy boy

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 04/09/2017 06:56

I think the problem here is that he so bluntly stated finances were separate to start with

If he hadn't then I think it least covering the costs at home would not BU

But he made his bed didn't he and now he needs to lie in it

RaspberryOverload · 04/09/2017 08:36

OP, I hope you're still reading, even if you don't return. Please seriously consider ending this relationship, he's shown that you are not a priority.

And all the guff about securing his kids future is just that, guff.

He had cash left over every month from what you posted, he could have shared his finances with you without impacting on his kids.

But he chose not to. He chose that. Money over your relationship. And now you have money, he's sniffing around wanting yours and changing the rules he wanted.

I've left someone, and financial stuff was part of that. Believe me, it will not get any better. This man will bleed you dry.

Oldie2017 · 04/09/2017 09:02

Consistency is the issue for me. Fair enough he protects his own money (I would too and would never give it to a boyfriend or new partner, just to my children and would be clear about that from year 1 and my children's father has been clear about it to his second wife too - will leaves everything to our children - he and she met fter having had children and both own a property so I think that's absolutely fair enough particularly as she can let hers out and he has to (and wants to) house her). The prbolem here is the man has suddenly changed his tune when the other side comes into some money - he cannot have it both ways.

Gemini69 · 04/09/2017 13:55

let's be clear.... the GUY was Black&White about his ExWife inheriting everything after his death.... that is what he did... he excluded OP from benefiting in any way from his income during their relationship....

now she has inherited £££'s he and HIS ex-Wife are singing like Canaries, wanting the OP to pay for Private Education etc for HIS kids....

Piss OFF Confused

MipMipMip · 04/09/2017 14:01

Run like the wind.

Genuine question, do the CSA not look at full household income when setting maintenance payments? Just wondering if, on that aspect, the ex is less out of order?

Still think the bloke is poisonous and you should run though!

BulletFox · 04/09/2017 14:05

This thread gave me the chills - ex-p & dp merrily deciding behind her back that her money was theirs.

Op you had clear boundaries from the start regarding finances from your dp. You might need your money in the future for care or whatever. They wouldn't have helped you.

kittybiscuits · 04/09/2017 14:49

But how do we know it was his ex who asked and not just him saying ex thinks you should pay for a, b and c?

Gemini69 · 04/09/2017 15:01

Nobody cares whether the Ex-Wife asked or He asked.. it was asked... and refused.. and rightly so Flowers

kittybiscuits · 04/09/2017 15:06

I would care if I thought my partner was trying to pass off his own grabbiness as his ex's. It has quite a bearing on the relationship the OP is in.

FuckYouLinda · 04/09/2017 15:51

I hope you inherited/won a shitload of money OP. And I hope you bin the grabby bastard.

He was happy with the financial inequality all along in your relationship and passed his miserly ways off as concern for his kids. Do you really not see that had he ever dropped dead that his ex would have had you out on your arse in record time. That's how little he cares for you.

If I were you I'd go to Argos and get an inflatable mattress and move for good to your lovely new house and await your furniture arriving.

HiggeldyPiggeldy · 04/09/2017 16:35

he set the terms that suited him, now wants to change as the new terms suit him better, no way

I do think that he sounds a decent father shit partner though ensuring his children are cared for regardless of what happens in his life, or death

nameusername · 04/09/2017 16:39

I concur with what's been written so far.

Aibu my money & dp's children
Aibu my money & dp's children
Ellisandra · 04/09/2017 17:03

Am i going to be the (slightly!) dissenting voice?

They're not married.
He has kids.
He wanted to protect his assets for his kids.
So far, I'm with him.
He didn't want to buy together because he wanted to keep it simple. (OP is living with him, but she's just a GF)
I'm still with him.

What he did do, is let her live at his place at a subsidised rent. It's not his fault she couldn't buy alone.

Of course he's utterly taking the piss if he thinks she should now pay bloody school fees!

But if he thinks he should see some benefit, I don't think that's unfair given that he subsidised her housing.

But that's a moot point really because the school fees is so out of this league that he should just fuck off!!!

And other one that thinks if it's a big sum there could be a proposal coming Hmm

DrHorribletookmycherry · 04/09/2017 17:09

He's a tight fisted money grabber who sounds like he controls his ex, his partner and probably his kids with money. Now he's lost his footing he's trying to act all "we" etc. Protect your assests and run like fuck.

bigfatbumfreak · 04/09/2017 17:15

I don't usually post.

This guy is going to milk you like a prize cow, and his ex is in on the scheme.

Have my first ever LTB.

Get rid. I know people like this, family members being milked by new partners, milking them for their own kids.

kittybiscuits · 04/09/2017 17:16

I love that @nameusername !

ElChan03 · 04/09/2017 17:17

You should not under any circumstances pay for another child's education if they have both parents and you're not even married to him. Sorry what a complete and utter CW. Your money is your money and he had his chance to share finances. He blew it. What is good for the goose is good for the gander. Spend every penny of that money on yourself.

bigfatbumfreak · 04/09/2017 17:18

Ffs the brass neck....unbelievable!

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