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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu my money & dp's children

471 replies

PikaPikaTink · 02/09/2017 19:24

I have been posting for a while but namechange every so often.

I'm expecting to get flamed but here goes.

Dp has 2 children. He used to be a lot more financially secure than me and while he would treat me occasionally, from the outset it was made clear to me that finances were separate as he had to ensure his children's security. This meant i had a lot less security than him as all assets were his and would go to his ex in the event of his death so she could raise the children. We could not buy a house together as he preferred to do it alone to keep things simple and i can't afford to buy alone where we live which meant I had less security than him. He had more spending money than me each month. I accepted this.

I have recently surprisingly come into a lot of money. I've brought myself a property and have a good chunk of cash. Dp has suggested that now "we" can afford to send his children to private school and his ex has suggested that we should be paying more as we have more money now.

However I resent the fact that my windfall is now seen as joint. He did nothing to secure my future when I had less than him yet I'm now expected to supplement his children. I think it's unfair to suddenly decide that we are financial partners now it benefits him when he didn't want to support me when I was worse off. I also don't want the responsibility of paying for his children's schooling - what if we split? If dp wants to increase his contribution to his ex its between him and her but I don't see why I should subsidise this in the circumstances.

Is my stance unreasonable?

OP posts:
Truzza · 04/09/2017 17:27

I'm a single parent and he was right KEEP YOUR FINANCES SEPARATE.
So just quote this back to him... I think you might discover why he got divorced very soon ;)
I am a single mum too and would never ever expect his wife to contribute to my sons upbringing. In fact she goes out of her way not to (that's another story)

But I would also never ask a partner to pay for my sons education unless he really wanted to, I would never expect that. And your partner is being Very cheeky to even ask!

Wrongintherightway · 04/09/2017 17:29

Can't have it both ways, he was happy to leave you financially unstable before you got this money so he will be happy to do the same now! Repeat back to him what he said to you and use the same logic he used about keeping separate finances, invest it in your name.

If he doesn't like it then he's not the man for you

DopeOnARope · 04/09/2017 17:39

The horse riding and request for private school sound familiar. Did he want to send his dd to private school so that she had the same schooling as your Dc?

Anyway, I concur with everyone else.

It is excellent that you have made yourself secure for the future. I also think he has done the right thing in prioritising the future security of his children. You respected this, and did not demand, as an able bodied, independent working adult with no joint kids, that he support you - why should he?

But your income and wealth is not likewise available to be annexed by his children.

Talk about your relationship and how partnership works for the two of you, what it means etc.

No way would I marry him and potentially give him rights over my income and property!

It's possible that his ExW thinks that he WAS supporting you in some way and that his child support had been limited because of that. If that had been the case she could now reasonably assume that her payments could be put up. But it wasn't the case, so....

clarkl2 · 04/09/2017 17:40

As if....... they sound like grabby wankers! Your money love, you keep it. If him and the ex want to privately educate THEIR kids let them fund it from their own pockets! Personally i think you would be better off on your own since you clearly have very separate lives.

Attitude84 · 04/09/2017 17:41

I'm with everyone else... tell him not a chance, that money is yours and not his!! Just like his was his and was all SIMPLE!!! Some people have the cheek!!!

user1483875094 · 04/09/2017 17:44

I am probably too late, Pika /./ BUT, "WHAT THE ACTUAL "EFF"...
ARE YOU "mad" to talk or even think about this
situation? It is MADNESS an
d if you do go through with it, then PITTY YOUR POOR OWN CHILDREN!!!

MsMommie · 04/09/2017 17:45

I'd tell him to fuck off really OP.

What's his is his and what's yours is his too, it seems

Nousernamefound · 04/09/2017 17:47

I'd tell him to sod off!

Earlyriser84 · 04/09/2017 17:48

Tell him to fuck off!

ILoveMillhousesDad · 04/09/2017 17:49

Epitome of a cheeky fucker.

I can't get over it!!!!!

Tell him to do one!!!!

Loreleigh · 04/09/2017 17:49

Keep your finances and any investments you make to yourself. You need to think about securing your future. Any arrangements your partner makes with his ex and his kids are down to him, out of HIS money, not yours - they are his responsibility not yours. Personally I'd tell him to fuck off for being so damned cheeky, but you might just want to calmly explain he wanted separate finances and that's what he's got. Hi ex has got a damned nerve too - another big fuck off there! Under no circumstances should you feel obliged to pay for his kids posh schooling or anything else - what you do with YOUR money is down to you. Good luck, enjoy your windfall and a few treats or some time away on a holiday or something if you need extra thinking time (go alone, or with a friend - sod your partner) if you can afford to do so now - maybe get things, like the property, that you've always wanted but partner couldn't or wouldn't get for you etc. If he regrets being a tight-arsed selfish git on the financial side now then that's tough - he can continue to do what he wants with his own money and you should be free to do the same with yours. You are not being unreasonable, just sensible Flowers

Witsender · 04/09/2017 17:50

Could he have been lying to the ex wife, making out that he was supporting you as well etc? Hence her now assuming he can give more?

Sparklyglitter · 04/09/2017 18:10

I'm shocked! Absolutely fine to put the kids first in that situation if that's his bag! Although I'm sure some compromise could have been found. But he chose not to and to now expect you to stump up for his kids! Ridiculous! Maybe a holiday with you both but nothing else! If he doesn't see that what he's suggesting is wrong and unfair then is he the man for you?? Congratulations you lucky thing! Xx

m0msarbelanger · 04/09/2017 18:11

YANBU! wow so what his is his whats yours is his and so on.. from your post are you even happy?

CoolCarrie · 04/09/2017 18:12

I wouldn't have told him about your windfall in the first place as it has nothing to do with him, his ex wife or children. Tell him to GTF! Your security comes first, he has got a bloody check to move the goalposts now when I suits him.

ginger1976 · 04/09/2017 18:12

He is taking the effing pee out if you luv, big fat no.

DjangoUnchained · 04/09/2017 18:12

Hahaha.

No.

FaveNumberIs2 · 04/09/2017 18:13

Get rid. Both him and his ex seem like money grabbing bastards.

Angelreid14 · 04/09/2017 18:15

Say nah bruh, move from me this is my dosh ya get me.

OJZJ · 04/09/2017 18:16

With the others in this. He rightfully supported his children and kept finances separate. However, you should rightly still keep your finances seperate so you can secure the future of your unborn children (preferably with somebody who deserves you!)

I had this with my very much as partner- much higher earner than me actually had me sign a tenancy agreement when I moved in so that I had no claim in the house if and when we split (turned out the £400 a month "half" of the morgage I paid as I would as rent was covering most of it as she only paid just over £500...plus i paid 50%bills on top.) I think now you need to consider you future as a much stronger person.

gunsandbanjos · 04/09/2017 18:16

Wow, just wow. What a cheeky fucker!

I'm the higher earner in my relationship and very likely always will be, as soon as we are married we will split all the bills proportionately to our income so we each end up with the same amount of spending money. I'd hate it any other way, my fiancé is my partner and that means being equal and having each other's backs.

I'd be seriously reassessing your relationship OP, this guy is a grade A twat.

BellaMaroni · 04/09/2017 18:17

What an absolute wanker. Consider getting out of the relationship ASAP!

m0msarbelanger · 04/09/2017 18:21

Also you should think about your future he wasn't completely unreasonable to worry about his kids future but asking to pay for kids future that was not right! Now that you have security you should consider setting aside in case you have kids or want kids if not its still good to re evaluate your life and where you want to be! and tell him it was joint before you had security just because you now have security it shouldn't change.

ton181 · 04/09/2017 18:26

Did he never take you out anywhere? Does he pay all the household bills? You paid "board" which I think is fair. What did you go without while he had all his money? Keep separate finances by all means, but if he had more money would things have been different?

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 04/09/2017 18:27

Yep yet another one saying YANBU