Aibu my money & dp's children

[PikaPikaTink]

I have been posting for a while but namechange every so often.

I'm expecting to get flamed but here goes.

Dp has 2 children. He used to be a lot more financially secure than me and while he would treat me occasionally, from the outset it was made clear to me that finances were separate as he had to ensure his children's security. This meant i had a lot less security than him as all assets were his and would go to his ex in the event of his death so she could raise the children. We could not buy a house together as he preferred to do it alone to keep things simple and i can't afford to buy alone where we live which meant I had less security than him. He had more spending money than me each month. I accepted this.

I have recently surprisingly come into a lot of money. I've brought myself a property and have a good chunk of cash. Dp has suggested that now "we" can afford to send his children to private school and his ex has suggested that we should be paying more as we have more money now.

However I resent the fact that my windfall is now seen as joint. He did nothing to secure my future when I had less than him yet I'm now expected to supplement his children. I think it's unfair to suddenly decide that we are financial partners now it benefits him when he didn't want to support me when I was worse off. I also don't want the responsibility of paying for his children's schooling - what if we split? If dp wants to increase his contribution to his ex its between him and her but I don't see why I should subsidise this in the circumstances.

Is my stance unreasonable?

Yeah I agree too that from outset he set down the rules of separate finances. He did this as he had more and didn't want to share.

Now you've come into money OP he's trying to move the goal posts as he'd like some of your money.

That not right or how it should work and he's clearly selfish.

Keep all finances and living arrangements separate is my advice.

He can't have it both ways. It suited him to keep separate finances when he benefitted now you benefit he wants you to share.
You've been very understanding over the years to agree to such a low status in your relationship. Protect your money it's yours to do with what you want.

No you're definitely not being U, he is being a greedy sod. Private school, my arse, what planet is he on??? I can't believe you thought you'd get a flaming on here. His DCs should come first, sure, but for him, but your money is for you.

Anyway, I very much doubt your windfall is enough for years of private schooling, as has been said.

Ugghhh tell him to F off and his ex

You sound like you deserve your $$$uprise cash

Good for you.

Live your life for you and love it x

The private school thread was a PBP.

I thought of that thread on reading this one. In any case, I hope you have lots of fun with your money.

So he's kind of saying what's mine is mine but what's yours is ours, and my ex wife's too ?!

YES, this exactly!

It absolutely blows my mind that anybody on earth would have the cheek! It's completely shocking. And that the grubbing COW of an ex would DARE open her mouth on the subject of another woman's money!!! I can't... They're just... It's sooo....ooppllmnVHUGR$/

The thread about the man asking OP to pay his DD's school fees was a troll?

It was really lovely of you to pay for his DCs to have horse riding lessons, you do seem very nice, OP. Much too good for him, you should seriously consider LTB.

Just no, and ask him if he's on glue!

If this is a lottery win - it can bring about very entitled behaviour, I guess because it is not money that has been 'earnt' (either by the winner, or by others in the family by way of inheritance). Others think ergo you are duty bound to share it, more than you are if it is earnt. I have friends who won a sizeable amount on the lottery and that is certainly their experience. I am at pains to always make sure we pay our way when we are with them, but some of the stories I hear about others not bothering to even take money if they are going out. Shocking really.

Why would anyone tell anyone else they had a lottery win? Keep it anonymous and donate as you wish.

Anyone who has gone public has had a tough time I think.

Anyway no one knows if OP windfall is a win on the lottery, could have been an inheritance or Premium Bond.

Sharing it out a bit is a good thing, but maybe anonymously or through a solicitor or something, where your name is not mentioned. I dunno.

I would share it out a bit if I were fortunate enough to win/inherit a good sum. But I know how I would do it, and my name would never be mentioned either.

But it hasn't happened yet, so I live in hope!

No YANBU, at all.

Your partner made it very clear from the beginning that your finances were to be completely separate. I can understand why he did that, to an extent, as he wanted to protect his assets to benefit his children in the event of his death. However, there must have been a way that he could do that and still giving you some security, but he chose not to.

That stance works both ways. If your finances are separate and each fend (financially) for yourself, then why should it now change that you are financially secure? You did not really benefit from his being better off (financially) than you and he was happy for you to be in an insecure position. Now that the boot is on the other foot- he wants to get a share of your money to benefit himself and his children.

That tells you how he sees things- what his is his and what's yours is also his. Smacks of greed to me. You aren't really a priority for him.

His ex-partner is equally greedy. He has clearly told her of your windfall. And clearly has also not told her that as you keep your finances separate, his financial situation is completely unaltered by the situation. I would bet he has encouraged her to think this.

I would also bet he now suggests moving in, joint finances- even perhaps a proposal. I would urge you to think very carefully OP before getting financially entangled with this man (e.g. marriage/joint finances). I would probably urge you to think very carefully about your relationship too- I'm not sure I'd want to be with a man who treated me in this way.

They didn't go public. But of course closer friends and family are going to know. And then they are the ones who feel entitled to a share. I was just trying to put things in context if this was a lottery win (which maybe it wasn't). Of course OP's dp will know about it. And from what I've seen, he is likely to feel (wrongly) that she is obliged to share the luck.

He's being unreasonable. I would never share my assets with a new partner - it is 100% for my children and that works two ways. I would not expect a penny from him ever.

I assumed it was an inheritance - because if it was lottery money and you were living together then you'd split it surely?
Inheritance money would be left to the OP

YANBU! He didn't want joint money when you had less than him the cheeky get!

How does his ex know you've come into money? Has he told her? Why is he discussing YOUR money with her?

Tell the pair of them to fuck right off!

I assumed it was an inheritance - because if it was lottery money and you were living together then you'd split it surely?

Why? From everything the OP's said, if he had a winning lottery ticket she wouldn't see any of the cash.

Anonymous is the only way to go with a lottery win. Seems to me that those who revealed were sunk and troubled forever more.

OP sounds switched on.. she'll be ok

YANBU...

Other than what has already been stated the one thing that sticks out to me.

Is you say it was unexpected and neither knew how to respond but you have had time to buy a house, order furniture..Hime to consider how he and his family can benefit and share with ex wife this info and her work out how she can benefit.

I do hope there is someone out there looking out for you.

Haven't read the whole thread yet but had to comment.

Congratulations on your windfall!

The ex wife is an absolute piss taker and how rude to expect your ex partners girlfriend to pay for her kids! Just cheeky fucking fucker.

Had to show this post to a friend as couldn't believe the piss taking. She agrees! She also added that if you end up spending all the money on them will they still be there for you if you were broke again? (Friend spent her inheritance on family who now are hardly seen).

Personally I think you should take the cash and chuck out the boyfriend, get a new better one who will support you if you ever need it.

YABperfectly reasonable! If you love the kids and want to give them a good education but given te way that he has acted he has no risk to ask or expect this from you.

Congratulations on your windfall!
I'm rather concerned that you stayed with this guy through the years when 'all assets were his' and you had 'less financial security'.

and now...... the mud throwing begins ..........

Overun

A friend of mine told us about a client he had that had had a sizeable lottery win. they didnt go public either but he knew about it because of the nature of his work with them. they said that the worst thing was the change in the relationships they had when people worked it out. Local win, they suddenly move to a big house and go on flash holidays, wasnt hard to spot that it was them and they had the same thing. A niece expected them to pay for her wedding and honeymoon, when they didn they were cut off by that branch of the family because "you can afford it...." and so on.

He said that he got the impression that it had hurt them a lot, as it would, but that they did give significant amounts of friends and family who didnt want it iykwim.