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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu my money & dp's children

471 replies

PikaPikaTink · 02/09/2017 19:24

I have been posting for a while but namechange every so often.

I'm expecting to get flamed but here goes.

Dp has 2 children. He used to be a lot more financially secure than me and while he would treat me occasionally, from the outset it was made clear to me that finances were separate as he had to ensure his children's security. This meant i had a lot less security than him as all assets were his and would go to his ex in the event of his death so she could raise the children. We could not buy a house together as he preferred to do it alone to keep things simple and i can't afford to buy alone where we live which meant I had less security than him. He had more spending money than me each month. I accepted this.

I have recently surprisingly come into a lot of money. I've brought myself a property and have a good chunk of cash. Dp has suggested that now "we" can afford to send his children to private school and his ex has suggested that we should be paying more as we have more money now.

However I resent the fact that my windfall is now seen as joint. He did nothing to secure my future when I had less than him yet I'm now expected to supplement his children. I think it's unfair to suddenly decide that we are financial partners now it benefits him when he didn't want to support me when I was worse off. I also don't want the responsibility of paying for his children's schooling - what if we split? If dp wants to increase his contribution to his ex its between him and her but I don't see why I should subsidise this in the circumstances.

Is my stance unreasonable?

OP posts:
FluffyWhiteTowels · 03/09/2017 08:18

What a slime ball. A nasty personality there. Get rid. I couldn't trust or love someone that did this. I am Shock at his cheeky fuckeryishness

SouthernNorthernGirl · 03/09/2017 08:30

OP Did you say who lived in who's house? I've RTFT, just may have missed it.

I'm really pleased you said no. Do you think he'll happily continue how everything was before? Or will it change things now?

thecakefairy · 03/09/2017 08:32

OP, your latest post suggests that you are both confused due to the unexpectedness of this money and the amount.
I'm sure you are but he is right on it and has immediately seen the potential here!
I can't really see how you can stay with him as his agenda with your money will always be there.

custardcreamplease · 03/09/2017 08:40

NO NO NO NO

Don't let him near a penny of your money. Don't marry him or share finances /a mortgage in any way. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. He sounds very greedy and mean over money - scrupulously ensuring you don't touch a penny of his cash, but now you're flush he sees your money as his.

Please OP, be strong here - don't let him near any of it

WhooooAmI24601 · 03/09/2017 08:42

I need to consider the relationship. His attempts to share my windfall when he wouldn't share with me have not painted him in a good light.

I sometimes think that issues with money show people for who they truly are under the veneer. When family members pass away and those left fight over inheritance 'rights' etc, it brings out the ugly side in them. This is similar; all his selfish, grabby, spoiled and narcissistic values are left wide open for the OP to see. It's an ugly sight when you see the very worst side of someone you care for.

Greenkit · 03/09/2017 08:49

As others have said what a cheeky fucker

LTB and find someone worthy of your love as this man most certainly isnt

50ShadesOfEarlGrey · 03/09/2017 08:51

Ditto what everyone else has said.

Whilst I think he was right to put plans in place for his children, I think it is really sad that he was prepared to leave you high and dry, with no security. You could have been putting into that house and home for 30 years, what was going to happen to you in the event of his death? One months notice?

Do take time out to reflect on your relationship, it makes me feel queasy even without the additional (wonderful) complication of your windfall.

custardcreamplease · 03/09/2017 08:52

Nothing I hate more than a man who is greedy and entitled over money. Will be in a cold sweat until op comes back and assures us he won't be touching any of hers Grin

LoadingDishwasher · 03/09/2017 09:22

This thread is very similar to another and that didn't end well......
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2987152-To-think-DP-is-cheeky-to-ask-me-to-pay-for-his-DDs-private-schooling

runsmidgeOMG · 03/09/2017 09:31

Did they separate in the end Loading?** I'm too lazy to read back but remember the thread well

The cheek of some people !!
Enjoy your windfall OP he was clear where he was at the beginning... now he needs to follow that through, sucks to be him GrinGrinGrinGrinGrin

As pp have said I'm unsure how you move on from this as you've seen his true materialistic colours and he'll try getting access to your money with things like holidays and expensive items cos "you have more" Hmm

I think you need to move on, my first ever LTB

LoadingDishwasher · 03/09/2017 09:32

That OP left the thread runs as the Mail picked up the story.

LagunaBubbles · 03/09/2017 09:37

Doesn't paint him in a good light at all, and yes I would question the whole relationship now.

runsmidgeOMG · 03/09/2017 09:37

Well that sucks... stoooopid mail Angry

MrsBendyBaker · 03/09/2017 09:39

Not read the full thread but frankly I'm wondering why you are still with this guy! He sounds selfish, entitled and a bit of a prick. Sorry to be harsh.

He's set out his stall long ago that your finances are separate. His property was purchased in his sole name only, if he died you'd have been out on your ear so his kids were provided for by his ex. In fatherhood terms, noble enough, but in terms of being a solid partner for you, troubling. Now you have your own money and he's trying to grab some off you - not to invest in building your future together, but for his kids.

No fucking way. Tell him to sling his hook. You deserve better than this!!

PS if it were me, I'd write a will and make sure the grabbing bastard gets nothing, and leave it to charity.

happypoobum · 03/09/2017 09:44

Dump him and don't look back.Flowers

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 03/09/2017 09:49

The other thread's just been deleted for being by a previously banned poster. So the Fail might have been reporting on a work of fiction.

LeninaCrowne · 03/09/2017 10:17

Do you live in "his" house that will go to his children if he dies?

I would keep your finances separate, and consider if I wanted to stay with such a grabby man.

Oh and Daily Mail - do fuck off!

LML83 · 03/09/2017 10:45

@runsmidge if I remember correctly on the other thread OP cancelled the house move as a result of the arguments dsd was hurt and embarrassed as all her friends knew she was moving but partners attitude had left the OP with little choice. I don't know if they are still together.

FizzyGreenWater · 03/09/2017 10:54

Well this has certainly illuminated his true colours, hasn't it.

I'm glad it's made them obvious to you too OP.

I am laughing, I confess - I can only imagine how much your selfish little money-obsessed partner is kicking himself that he didn't at least make a few token gestures along the lines of making sure he cared for you practically and financially, knowing you were sacrificing potential security in order to be with him on his terms for his childrens' sake. But no. Mr Greedy went all out to let you know that he was damn well going to keep all his cash for himself. No recognition of the fact that by staying with him you were passing up the option of living in a cheaper place and therefore being able to buy. No recognition of the fact that you accepted an unequal partnership (most people would buy together!) in order to meet his needs. He made it as clear as possible that he felt not the slightest concern that you could end up on the streets, as long as he kept all his money to himself.

He deserves every bit of this karma. And you fully deserve something a lot better.

I hope you bring the relationship to a dignified end as soon as possible and move on in the knowledge that you've left behind someone who genuinely did not care for you one bit.

:)

DuchessofManchester · 03/09/2017 11:07

I'd be so tempted to book an amazing holiday for two. Tell him all about it.. luxury 5 starhotel, fantastic food and wines, massages on the beach etc. How you can't wait to take the one person who has supported you and looked after you. Then leave him at home and take your mum or best friend. He has to stay at home and save for the private schooling he's so desperate for after all.

Velvian · 03/09/2017 11:30

He was money grabbing before you came into this windfall. He expected you to contribute to the upkeep & running of an asset in his name only. If this can be resolved, it needs to be resolved on your terms to reflect the contributions you have made to his capital & assets before you received your windfall.

Original poster
PikaPikaTink · 03/09/2017 11:44

I'm back! It was a large sum I don't want to say how much.

I was living at his, contributing a bit but not market rent. It never really felt like my home though. The house i have is nicer but doesn't have furniture yet! I'm considering moving there or potentially renting it out.

I have thought about all you have said and I can see all your points.

Did someone say this is in the mail?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/09/2017 12:17

'I was living at his, contributing a bit but not market rent. It never really felt like my home though. The house i have is nicer but doesn't have furniture yet! I'm considering moving there or potentially renting it out. '

He's got your right where he wants you if you're only considering moving into your own house when you feel like less than a lodger in his.

But some furniture, fgs, Stop being so passive and reclaim your life from this mean-spirited pisstaker.

FizzyGreenWater · 03/09/2017 12:17

Move there OP :)

And move on, too.

Don't think it's in the Heil - that was a similar thread- but ask MN to delete if you are concerned. The more of that they get the more they might start to take posters' concerns about all this lifting stories crap seriously.

Original poster
PikaPikaTink · 03/09/2017 12:49

Furniture is ordered and coming! It's all very new.

OP posts: