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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu my money & dp's children

471 replies

PikaPikaTink · 02/09/2017 19:24

I have been posting for a while but namechange every so often.

I'm expecting to get flamed but here goes.

Dp has 2 children. He used to be a lot more financially secure than me and while he would treat me occasionally, from the outset it was made clear to me that finances were separate as he had to ensure his children's security. This meant i had a lot less security than him as all assets were his and would go to his ex in the event of his death so she could raise the children. We could not buy a house together as he preferred to do it alone to keep things simple and i can't afford to buy alone where we live which meant I had less security than him. He had more spending money than me each month. I accepted this.

I have recently surprisingly come into a lot of money. I've brought myself a property and have a good chunk of cash. Dp has suggested that now "we" can afford to send his children to private school and his ex has suggested that we should be paying more as we have more money now.

However I resent the fact that my windfall is now seen as joint. He did nothing to secure my future when I had less than him yet I'm now expected to supplement his children. I think it's unfair to suddenly decide that we are financial partners now it benefits him when he didn't want to support me when I was worse off. I also don't want the responsibility of paying for his children's schooling - what if we split? If dp wants to increase his contribution to his ex its between him and her but I don't see why I should subsidise this in the circumstances.

Is my stance unreasonable?

OP posts:
SprogletsMum · 02/09/2017 19:26

Definitely not unreasonable.
He was willing to leave you with nothing if he died but now wants a share of your money? Tell him to do one.

animaniac · 02/09/2017 19:26

He's trying to have the proverbial cake and eat it. Whats mine is mine and what's yours is ours? Naahhhh. YANBU.

jay55 · 02/09/2017 19:27

So what is his is his and what is yours is his too?
Fuck that, he wouldn't share with you, you're under no obligation to pay for his kids eduacation.
No reason you can't use some money on holidays together or something but no you need it as your nest egg.

jeaux90 · 02/09/2017 19:28

Erm no. If you aren't married then you keep your assets separate and no to paying for his kids private education. His ex and him are responsible for that.

I'm with someone. We both have a kid and I'm a single parent. We keep all finances separate.

Rainybo · 02/09/2017 19:29

No way are you being unreasonable!
Say no fucking way!

Penfold007 · 02/09/2017 19:29

Your stance is very reasonable. Sounds like 'What's mine is mine, what's yours is also mine'. Why on earth would you pay for his DC's education.

WhamBarsArentAsFizzyAsTheyWere · 02/09/2017 19:29

from the outset it was made clear to me that finances were separate

He made his bed when it suited him, he can lie in it now the situation has changed.

KMoKMo · 02/09/2017 19:29

YANBU

UnderTheDesk · 02/09/2017 19:29

You are definitely NBU, and he is a cheeky fucker. Keep your money for yourself and your future.

And I say this as someone who is the sole breadwinner for y family.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 02/09/2017 19:29

You shouldn't have stayed with him in the first place with his attitude as it was. He was very uncaring towards you. I wouldn't give him a penny now, especially for private school for his kids - how dare he suggest that? I would take the chance to go now, tbh. He's selfish.

Orangebird69 · 02/09/2017 19:29

I'd be telling him to FRO. YANBU.

Crunchymum · 02/09/2017 19:30

Fuck that shit.

Keep your finances (and probably your whole life) separate.

His stance before your windfall was very cold and non committal but his change of heart, now you have money, would have me running in the opposite direction.

You seriously need to look at this relationship and decide if it's an equal partnership.

Rainybo · 02/09/2017 19:30

I also think he cares more about what his ex thinks than you.

myusernamewastaken · 02/09/2017 19:30

Fucking cheek....remind him of how he treated you before your windfall...and you are not responsible for funding his kids schooling.

Changednamejustincase · 02/09/2017 19:30

I think he was right to protect his children's future on the event of his death and to put his children before his girlfriend. I think your money is your money as you are not financial partners. This was his decision. He can't change it now because it suits him.

Cakesprinkles · 02/09/2017 19:30

No way no way. If all these years you had pooled resources and been supported by him then absolutely, it's family money. But he can't have it both ways.

ChickenBhuna · 02/09/2017 19:30

Yep. He's out of order. Now that you have more you're suddenly a unit financially , are you? No. Just no.

Whinesalot · 02/09/2017 19:31

YAsoNBU.

Surely when you point this out to him, he'll accept it with good grace?

KMoKMo · 02/09/2017 19:31

**You seriously need to look at this relationship and decide if it's an equal partnership.

Also this.

Oldraver · 02/09/2017 19:32

I would tell him everything you have said in your OP.

He was willing to see you without and did not agree to anything joint, so that's how it stands

Corcory · 02/09/2017 19:32

Even if you are married you shouldn't been asked to pay for his children's schooling! No way.

Bubblysqueak · 02/09/2017 19:32

He made the rules when he benefited and you were worse off. Now the show is on the other foot he has decided to share. You need to tell him to piss right off and you are happy with the current arrangements .

donajimena · 02/09/2017 19:33

Why on earth were you expecting to be flamed? He's utterly bonkers.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 02/09/2017 19:33

Hahahahahhaha! He must be joking Hmm

EllaHen · 02/09/2017 19:34

This is a no brainer. People really do a number on each other, don't they? There is no way you should fall for what he is trying to convince you. No way.