Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu my money & dp's children

471 replies

PikaPikaTink · 02/09/2017 19:24

I have been posting for a while but namechange every so often.

I'm expecting to get flamed but here goes.

Dp has 2 children. He used to be a lot more financially secure than me and while he would treat me occasionally, from the outset it was made clear to me that finances were separate as he had to ensure his children's security. This meant i had a lot less security than him as all assets were his and would go to his ex in the event of his death so she could raise the children. We could not buy a house together as he preferred to do it alone to keep things simple and i can't afford to buy alone where we live which meant I had less security than him. He had more spending money than me each month. I accepted this.

I have recently surprisingly come into a lot of money. I've brought myself a property and have a good chunk of cash. Dp has suggested that now "we" can afford to send his children to private school and his ex has suggested that we should be paying more as we have more money now.

However I resent the fact that my windfall is now seen as joint. He did nothing to secure my future when I had less than him yet I'm now expected to supplement his children. I think it's unfair to suddenly decide that we are financial partners now it benefits him when he didn't want to support me when I was worse off. I also don't want the responsibility of paying for his children's schooling - what if we split? If dp wants to increase his contribution to his ex its between him and her but I don't see why I should subsidise this in the circumstances.

Is my stance unreasonable?

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 02/09/2017 20:14

No way should you be paying for his children's private education.

And just be careful as to how your DP may see spending in the future on things like holidays, i.e. an expensive holiday in which you pay for the children.

wtffgs · 02/09/2017 20:14

He's having a giraffe, no?!

Not so DP methinks Wine

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 02/09/2017 20:14

For God's sake don't have kids with him. There would only be more emotional blackmail about you spending money on your DC but not his.

Sistersofmercy101 · 02/09/2017 20:14

YANBU
YANBU at all!!! What an entitled selfish hypocritical jack ass he is!! So when you're financially disadvantaged "it's tough toodlies" and he'd have hung you out to dry - but now you've got some financial stability, he's all "awwww let's share, don't be mean, think of the my poor children" ?! Errrr NO!!
LTB seriously, his entitled attitude stinks. You don't and absolutely shouldn't put up with it! (if he'd been share and share alike from day 1 then it'd be different) but he's a "gold digger" 😂

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 02/09/2017 20:15

Wow, grabby beggars.
He only wants to share when it will financially better him and his kids.
Says an awful lot about him and his attitude to you.

Idontevencareanymore · 02/09/2017 20:15

Hell no! And what a pair of money grabbing twats those two are!

Keep your money op.

jeaux90 · 02/09/2017 20:17

And your money is nothing to do with what he and his ex agrees should be paid in maintenance. It's has nothing to do with you, it's based on his income and then what they agree on top is fair.

MadamePomfrey · 02/09/2017 20:19

Maybe private schools did come from him but as soon as his ex said about upping maintenance as you are better off, his response should have been no that's Pikas money, you know we keep finances separate so I can look after the children!
He didn't because he agrees! This isn't the end of this, from here on out the guilt trip will be laid on you for anything his kids need!

From your posts it seems like this money was a shock to you, take your time but once the dust settles think about what this man actually brings to your life! And if you feel it's a relationship worth continuing get professional advice on protecting yourself!

VladmirsPoutine · 02/09/2017 20:20

Tell him to: FUCK RIGHT OFF.

MrsJamesAspey · 02/09/2017 20:22

In other news, how can ex look for more maintenance from him, because of you? I dunno, someone might be able to say if this is on the cards or not.

She can't. When a man pays maintenance the CSA used to check the income of a current wife or live in partner but this is not in order to increase the payments but in fact to reduce them if the man was financially supporting a new wife/family.

So in this case if he'd been supporting the op he might have got his payments reduced, and now they would increase to normal level but as that's not the case the payments shouldn't be affected.

DarkDarkNight · 02/09/2017 20:22

It was never really about supporting his kids anyway. He had more money than you and kept it even down to having more spending money each month.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with somebody so tight.

grecian100 · 02/09/2017 20:22

He has shown his true colours OP. He wants to feather his own nest without consideration for you. I would definitely LTB reconsider life with him.

eddielizzard · 02/09/2017 20:22

i bet he's sorry he insisted on separate finances now... reap what you sow, stingy man.

Worriedrose · 02/09/2017 20:23

What @VladmirsPoutine said
And hundreds of others
Mental. Totally mental

ohfourfoxache · 02/09/2017 20:23

The fact that he even suggested this shows what a tosser he is.

RedDogsBeg · 02/09/2017 20:25

So his ex wants a slice of your windfall too, well she can go whistle. You are surrounded by cheeky, greedy sods aren't you OP.

Glad you are sticking to your guns, this money is yours for your future.

Your dp could quite easily have secured his children's and your future had he so desired, he didn't so now he reaps what he has sown.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 02/09/2017 20:25

That's some brass neck from him and the ex. I'd upgrade to a nicer partner if I were you.

zippydoodaar · 02/09/2017 20:25

Sounds like a right charmer. I wouldn't be seeing a future with someone who treated me like that.

Buxtonstill · 02/09/2017 20:26

I would also make sure you have written a watertight will, saying exactly where you want everything to go in the event of your death...

Bobbins43 · 02/09/2017 20:27

YANBU. He can't just change the rules because it suits him. If he didn't support you then, why should you support him now?

kittybiscuits · 02/09/2017 20:27

All you need to say to him - 'You're fucking joking, right?'

Worriedrose · 02/09/2017 20:28

And I am not going to even add in the insult about "well I have children and you dont"
I don't know you, but if you don't have children through choice then his comment is unnecessary
And if you don't have children not through choice then it's one of the cruelest things I've heard in a long time

Dangermouse80 · 02/09/2017 20:28

No way and make sure you clear the air over the issue. Keep everything separate.

slapmyarseandcallmemary · 02/09/2017 20:31

Ya definitely nbu

GinUser · 02/09/2017 20:31

Many years ago I was in a similar situation. Living with boyfriend, at one point I was paying half the rent plus rent on where I had to live during the week for my job.
My father retired and got a lump sum, wanted to give me and my brother an about equivalent to what he had spent on our sister's wedding. Unexpected, lovely of him. I told my then boyfriend about this and he was already spending the money on stuff for him (PhD in Psychology). I thought about the situation and asked my father to "invest" the cash in premium bonds for me. Good move.
Boyfriend was not happy, but it wasn't actually his money, and was intended to fund my wedding, which it did, some years later and not to him!