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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that "two tier" birthday parties are mean?

284 replies

haventkilledtheorchidyet · 02/09/2017 17:10

I have never had any parties for my children where a proportion of the invitees are invited for a sleepover, and the rest go home. My view has always been that these provoke bad feelings in the ones who have to go home, somehow thinking they are "second tier" friends.

My poor DS, it seems, has been invited to one of these parties and will be coming home when others at the party are transported back for a sleepover.

Your views on this? I understand that some parents want to do exactly what their children want, maybe can't fit all children in their home for a sleepover, etc. but AIBU to expect parents to do the adult thing and treat all partygoers the same on the day, and perhaps have a sleepover at a different time?

I'm not looking forward to seeing my DS after this party :(

OP posts:

Lweji · 03/09/2017 19:35

I don't see how this is different from only inviting some children to the party and leaving the rest out.

It would be mean to leave a small number (1-3) out. But surely it's still nice to be invited to a birthday party. And surely it's ok for the child to have some children they get along with better and that they get on an extended sleep over.

I'd only see it as bullying that some have to return home. Only if they were teased because of it.

Just tell your DS there's no room for everyone.
I'm sure he also has a few children he's better friends with.

My DS says he wouldn't be upset and might even not want to sleep away from home.

SunshineAndSmile · 03/09/2017 19:42

This year DD had a party with school friends and then a separate party/ sleepover with friends outside school. DD would find it too stressful to have both sets of friends together as they are quite different groups with different personalities. In fact DD finds the whole party thing incredibly difficult and she spends the weeks before agonising about what to do to keep everyone happy.

I believe most parents try their best to accommodate their child's wishes on their birthday while also trying to balance this with keeping friends happy and cost and logistics involved with hosting a party. Unless you invite all 30 kids someone is going to be disappointed. I hate bloody hate parties

TickedOff · 03/09/2017 19:47

TBH I don't really see the issue.

Ds went to such a party and wasn't invited to the sleepover. It was only when I'd picked him up and as we were travelling home that he mentioned he'd asked Birthday child if he could go to the main party, he hadn't initially had an invite! He asked if this was ok to do I'd thanked the Mum for inviting him too, bet she thought I'd put him up to it.

I had a chat about invites etc afterwards, what's acceptable and what isn't and that we shouldn't be asking for an invite if we hadn't had one. It's hard isn't it but they have to learn.

BigRedMama · 03/09/2017 19:55

What fresh hell is a two tier party?!?! I have never heard of it but sounds mean as fuck. I certainly wouldn't be allowing my daughter to have a party like that...but then I don't like other peoples kids

QuiteUnfitBit · 03/09/2017 19:59

The ones saying there's nothing wrong with it and children should toughen up. How about you toughening up and telling your children Party OR Sleepover. Either or. That'll teach them resilience.
Eh! You quote me. I always did whole class parties! However, I think being left out gave my son resilience, as we just said it was one of those things.

coddiwomple · 03/09/2017 20:07

and being bullied gives you resilience too?
It's never too early to teach your kids that the world is full of little ill-mannered spoil brats, I give you that, but is it necessary to upset a 6 or 7 year old?

KirstyLaura · 03/09/2017 20:09

@maireadplastic nope, we don't and won't be doing sleepovers either unless I personally know the parents very very well (ie, mine or DH friends). I also stay with them for parties if I don't know the parents from adam. People are far too trusting.

SurreyLanes · 03/09/2017 20:11

Mean & rude

ChocolateWombat · 03/09/2017 20:12

I think it happens fairly frequently but that doesn't make it right.

I know we are talking about children here, but of course they have feelings and people don't like to feel second rate. If any type of party might result in some people feeling like that, it should be avoided.

It is up to parents to be role models and to teach their children to consider how their actions affect other people and how others might feel, rather than to just give their child what they want all the time. So I would say;

if you must have a sleepover after the party, have a small party so that all can sleepover OR

have a big party and no sleepover

have a big party on one day and a sleepover on another day.

Children are not the most sensitive and those sleeping over are bound to mention it to others. It is a recipe for bad feeling and upset and totally avoidable. Children have to learn that their actions have consequences and to learn to consider how they would feel if treated a bit meanly....and it is a bit mean, if you have to effectively be collected before the party has fully ended or know others are heading off for more fun.

Avoiding this simply requires a bit more consideration for others from the birthday child, but mostly from their parents.

misshelena · 03/09/2017 20:14

don't think a children's birthday party is the right time to build up resilience Parties are meant to be fun. It's not an occasion when a child should have to hide their hurt feelings and pretend to be happy.

Then don't go. If a kid can't be happy unless he is a bff, then don't go.

The ones saying there's nothing wrong with it and children should toughen up. How about you toughening up and telling your children Party OR Sleepover. Either or.That'll teach them resilience.

But why would they do that? They and their kids are happy to have 2 parties. They are not the ones complaining.

jjbutt · 03/09/2017 20:15

Surely the solution is don't go to the party if you can't handle that you are not one of the 'chosen few'.

Totallypearshaped · 03/09/2017 20:16

This happens a lot in my dcs circles.

Some houses are just too small for a whole party sleepover.

We have always encouraged thick skins and resilient behaviour.

As a kid it's important to understand that sometimes you're not invited to everything, and that you're not entitled to be, especially if there's a different mix of kids doing one activity (out of town cousins unknown to the rest for the sleepover etc).

Kids don't make the rules. Suck up to the parents if you want Tarquinius included in all tiers!

Some kids are just too much trouble after three hours eating sugar etc and you can't wait to see the back of them. Seriously OPKs can be a nightmare.
And some wouldn't be a good candidate for a sleepover after a few hours party what with over excitability /bedwetting etc.

Also there's the realisation that your little darlings may not be as well behaved or as pleasant as you think they are and the host just wants rid, and it's her house her rules.

Whatever the reasons the host has, manage it with your kids and they'll soon be happy enough to be invited to anything (they don't have to be invited even to any part of a party after all)

If they want a sleepover, ask the birthday girl or boy for one in yours at a later date!

Whatever you do, don't take it personally like it actually means something! There could be any number of reasons why your little darling gets the heave after tier one. Count your blessings, and widen your dcs social circles if it's bothering you.

misshelena · 03/09/2017 20:19

tickedoff Maybe it's not the best manners, but I am quite impressed with your son! I think his willingness to put himself out there is going to serve him well in life. I hope you didn't come down too hard on him. In any case, the bday boy could always say no if he really didn't want your son there.

coddiwomple · 03/09/2017 20:24

Surely the solution is don't go to the party if you can't handle that you are not one of the 'chosen few'.

but it seems that many times only the "chosen few" know they are invited to the second part of the party, the ones who aren't discover them during the first part.

I am so lucky this doesn't exist yet where I am. Of course, if your kids start being treated that way, you never invite the "birthday snowflake" again, of course you explain to yours very early that not everybody has manners, and that they will have to deal with rude and ignorant people all your life, and to pity them as you pity all the bullies, but all this politic sounds like so much hard work when it's only a party!

It's not about the children surviving the "trauma" of not being invited to a party, the point of the thread was about the rudeness and unkindness of doing the 2-tier invitations in the first place. Having children who don't give a hoot doesn't make the 2-tier host any less rude.

On another note, it has been proven time and time again that eating sugar has nothing to do with the behaviour of children...

Lurkedforever1 · 03/09/2017 20:25

another I would have told dd to toughen up if she'd ever started to feel hard done to whenever someone had a sleepover she wasn't invited to. But I've not brought her up to think the world revolves around her, and that every other dc should class her as a best friend, and if they won't they are mean bullies.

I wasn't prepared to have half her class to stay over, and likewise neither she or I expected anyone else to invite that many.

I've juggled parties for years. Inviting only 7/8 and leaving out a load that dd wanted to invite so the horrible pfb brat wasn't the only girl excluded, inviting pfb brat to class parties, having 3 birthday sleepovers on different days because one friend couldn't manage in a group overnight when she was younger and I wouldn't dream of treating her differently to the other 2, juggling old friends with new secondary friends, revising invitation lists because if you invite x then their best friend y will feel left out, not inviting one person from a hobby when you do it as a 3, etc etc. But I'm damned if I'm telling my child she can't ever have her best friends to stay because some deluded parent thinks it's mean, and that it will make dd become a social media bully.

MadMags · 03/09/2017 20:26

@Totallypearshaped the voice of reason!

TheProdigalRhubarb · 03/09/2017 20:28

What fresh hell is a two tier party?!?! I have never heard of it but sounds mean as fuck

^^ This.

user1487194234 · 03/09/2017 20:28

I think this is very mean
I don't like weddings with evening guests either
I may be very odd

drbeverlyhofstadter · 03/09/2017 20:29

I think is a great opportunity to teach your child some empathy. Dd you want 8 friends to come bowling but only 4 to sleepover - how would you feel if you were one of the 4 not invited to sleepover ?

If your dd answers I don't care you can say well done it's lovely to teach those poor children some resilience

coddiwomple · 03/09/2017 20:38

It's exactly the same thing as 2-tiers wedding. People want to show off with big parties, but can't afford to feed or host everybody. We all got that.

I am glad I am not surrounded by parents like that. We are the complete opposite, we try to do join sleepovers: Friend host sleepover for birthday boy, and I host a girl sleepover so the sister(s) are not in the way and kids fight about guests/ no guest.
It works a treat when you have kids of similar age. The little ones are less of an issue!

traffordtimes · 03/09/2017 20:41

is it really any different than adult bride and groom inviting some guests to the wedding breakfast and others just to,the evening do?
Yes, they're adults and can understand the reasons (e.g. economics). With small children there is nothing but 'they didn't want me there, but they did want those other children'.
IMO its fine to have a sleepover on another day for special friends, but mean to have them one after another

Mittens1969 · 03/09/2017 20:46

I wouldn't really see the problem tbh, unless there were only a few children at the party in the first place, with just a couple not invited.. If it's just one or two best mates then what's the big deal?

We've had a cousin at DD1's party in the past and she's stayed at our house afterwards for a sleepover. But I doubt the children at the party even knew that.

ourkidmolly · 03/09/2017 20:47

It's fine imo. Common practice here. Special friends stay on. Wider circle just the event. Not everyone can be bffs with everyone else. Life lesson.

Turquoise123 · 03/09/2017 20:50

This just sounds awful. Never come across it with mine

pourmeanotherglass · 03/09/2017 20:53

Dd went to one of these. She was completely chilled that the party girl's best friends were staying over but there wasn't space for everyone.

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