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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that "two tier" birthday parties are mean?

284 replies

haventkilledtheorchidyet · 02/09/2017 17:10

I have never had any parties for my children where a proportion of the invitees are invited for a sleepover, and the rest go home. My view has always been that these provoke bad feelings in the ones who have to go home, somehow thinking they are "second tier" friends.

My poor DS, it seems, has been invited to one of these parties and will be coming home when others at the party are transported back for a sleepover.

Your views on this? I understand that some parents want to do exactly what their children want, maybe can't fit all children in their home for a sleepover, etc. but AIBU to expect parents to do the adult thing and treat all partygoers the same on the day, and perhaps have a sleepover at a different time?

I'm not looking forward to seeing my DS after this party :(

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 03/09/2017 20:54

my dd was invited to one, and was a 2nd tier guest. luckily she didn't want to sleep over but i thought it was pretty crap. i hate it with weddings, i think it's even worse with a kids party.

CreamCheeseBrownies · 03/09/2017 20:58

I don't think it's anything like 2 tier weddings. It's more like having a normal wedding, no evening-only guests, but your best friends also get to be bridesmaids. Not so controversial!

It's quite common among DD's friends to invite best friend or two to sleep over and everyone else comes "just" to the main event. Surely no child expects to be everyone's best friend.

Sleepovers of more than 3 are hellish in the under-11s (not sure about older ones yet) but that doesn't mean other friends are invited only to supply a gift(!) or generally aren't very much welcome and wanted. I agree if they invite 10 and then 7 sleepover that's mean.

Kisathecat · 03/09/2017 21:02

Mairead, my kid is 7 and doesn't do sleepovers, he doesn't want to yet. But they do seem to be very popular with his peers (or their parents who just want a night off!)

Lurkedforever1 · 03/09/2017 21:06

You have it in reverse drbev.

"Would you like to be one of 8 friends to go bowling, and party childs bf will then be staying over, or would you rather not be invited at all?"

And it isn't any different to a wedding. Kids of preschool age understand that level of economics, and if they don't then you have more serious issues than party invites. Every time they ask for something do you just say yes, or do you lie and say 'oh no you aren't allowed in the safari park every day the manager said so' 'oh no we can't go on holiday again tomorrow because the beach is closed'. Because most small children are capable of understanding 'no we don't have enough money for that today'. So they should be able to grasp that other people don't have endless money too.

SunshineLollipopsRainbows25 · 03/09/2017 21:29

if you make life revolve around your child they will not know how to deal with their own feelings/problems because mummy will always sort it. it's not a good life skill to always depend on mummy! the whole party thing people being offended is pathetic in my eyes. I do what my DD wants on her birthday she writes the list of people and I don't care what the parents think tbh if my DD hasn't invited you its because she doesn't want you there. simple really and if she doesn't get invited somewhere she doesn't even question it as she's known since reception you can't be invited to everything.

TickedOff · 03/09/2017 21:39

Misshelena, you're right. I had to take on board the fact that party child didn't have to add ds to the party invites.

I think what made it slightly worse was, it was a pool party, therefore numbers aren't really an issue. Ds just wasn't invited but he asked if he could come when party child handed out the invites and he didn't have one.

I didn't come down too hard on him. I'm thankful he told me, even though it was after the event. I did have to make sure he knew that it wasn't really acceptable to ask, that you wait for an invite. I felt all the squirmy embarrassment for him when I recalled my text to party Mum thanking her 'so much' for inviting ds Blush

missuspritch · 03/09/2017 21:57

Haven't read all the comments on this but just wanted to say that when I was a teenager I struggled to make friends, the one person who I considered a friend and hung out with all the time had a birthday party and then had people to sleep after, I was one of 3 who went home from a group of 10 and it hurt! It didn't just upset me a little It hurt.. because she was my only friend but to her I was only a second best friend.
So yes they are mean, I don't see any harm in arranging a sleep over for a separate night.... makes the birthday boy/girls day last longer too!

Believeitornot · 03/09/2017 21:58

I do what my DD wants on her birthday she writes the list of people and I don't care what the parents think tbh if my DD hasn't invited you its because she doesn't want you there. simple really

Or you could teach your child a bit of empathy and sensitivity....

drbeverlyhofstadter · 03/09/2017 22:01

Lurked forever I know which message I'd rather teach my child.
And I would rather my child didn't go at all because I know from hurtful experience that it's not just the missing out it's the horrible bullying behaviour that goes on afterwards, "we were there and you weren't ha ha" can go for weeks and destroy self esteem !

Kids especially girls can be so nasty and I choose not to be even a small part of that.

Allthewaves · 03/09/2017 22:07

It's rubbish esp if there's a group of at 5 and only 2 sleep over. I'd arrange sleepover for weekend after

ittakes2 · 03/09/2017 22:20

My daughter has several times being in the 2nd tier - in fact I don't think she has ever been in the first tier!
On one particular occasion she went to who she thought was a close friends party - by this I mean a child she had known for 5 years, they did three after school clubs together each week and on one of those nights this girl would come to our house after school and stay for tea (every week).
We didn't realise when we went to the party (about 12 girls) that 8 had been invited to sleepover. It was quite awkward for my daughter as the other children at the party had assumed she would stay and kept asking her if she was staying - to which she had to repeatedly say she hadn't been invited to.
So she was sad when I picked her up and said she wished someone had warned her about there was going to be a sleepover that she wasn't invited to - she would have still gone to the party, but she said she could have then prepared herself emotionally.
And even the mum called me to apologise the next day as she had heard lots of girls ask my daughter if she was staying so it must have been obvious.
But the thing is, in life we have friends who we may really like but although they like us back - maybe they don't yet like us as much as we like them or maybe they just have lots of friends who they are close to.
My daughter understands that now - she unconditionally adores spending time with this friend without expecting that this friend has to like her back in equal measures. As long as the friend still treats her well of course.
Liking someone unconditionally is a good skill my daughter now has, and I think it's a quality in her which makes her a good friend and will help her build positive friendships in the long run.
And this has in fact happened since this birthday party, this friend has gotten to like my daughter even more and they spend lots of quality time together.
While I wouldn't do one of these parties myself - they do happen and they can be used to explain to children these different levels of developing friendships plus the obvious point that not too many people have the room to have 12 children sleep over.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 03/09/2017 22:24

I'm with you op. And funnily enough ds asked for a party like this. He wanted to do an activity with quite a few friends then a sleepover after with his 3 closest. It didn't sit right with me to be sending some of the children off while some of them continued celebrating so I said the sleepover would have to happen another time. Ds said he wouldn't have mentioned it in front of the others but I doubt they'd have been able to resist whispering about their secret sleepover and I just didn't think it would be a very nice thing to do.

QuiteUnfitBit · 03/09/2017 22:32

I feel there are two different scenarios here:

  1. Just a few children are excluded from the Tier 1, which is rather pointed, and this is reinforced by social media and taunting from other children. Obviously, this is never acceptable.

  2. Just a few (two or three, perhaps) children are in Tier 1, and the included children don't make a big thing about it. Personally, I feel this is acceptable. My DC have been left out in these situations, and as ittakes2 says, it's an opportunity to explain to your children.

I think my DC have learnt from this, and they are now teenagers, and certainly seem to take all these things in their stride. They've learnt that being left out on occasion is not the be all and end all. Life goes on, and there are much worse things to worry about. Feeling upset, sad etc are emotions we all go through and survive. This is different from bullying, where they are deliberately excluded, rather than not being included.

Ghanagirl · 03/09/2017 23:07

TabbyMumz
Why is a young child on instagram!
I've had parties for my twins with min 20 kids max around 40 then 2 best friends each at sleepover, it's not feasible to invite all friends to sleepover

Pumpkintopf · 03/09/2017 23:57

Totally agree with you op. Have never done this, never will. Dd and Ds have been invited to this sort of party in the past and not attended as a result of the 'two tier' nature.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 04/09/2017 00:20

It's also a good learning experience to help children think about how the people who aren't invited to the whole thing might feel imo. You can teach your kids to be resilient when others are thoughtless and also teach them to be considerate at the same time.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 04/09/2017 00:20

And there's really no NEED to have a sleepover on the same day as a party.

potatoscowls · 04/09/2017 01:02

I've always felt that you shouldn't have to invite "the whole class"... but I was always left out and it just felt shit :(

CarolsSecretCookieRecipe · 04/09/2017 05:53

Similar to missuspritch's experience, I was a very shy child with few friends. I didn't often get any invitations to parties, but the one that sticks in my mind was the one where three quarters of the guests were whispering excitedly about "the sleepover" and what was happening "later on". Then they'd all shush each other, and it took me some time to work out what was going on. The slow and painful realisation that I hadn't been invited to stay, and the embarrassment of being collected early, along with the other few un-wanteds, was humiliating.
So for my kids we've either done sleepovers for all or sleepovers for none.

elfinpre · 04/09/2017 06:02

I don't understand why parents don't have the wit to either say 1) "Well, you can have only 2 guests if you have a sleepover party" or 2) "You can have a normal party but no sleepover".

Or just have best friends to sleepover at another time.

It seems a kind of competitive parental masochism to do effectively two parties at once. Bonkers.

ourkidmolly · 04/09/2017 06:43

Kids especially girls can be so nasty and I choose not to be even a small part of that.

No actually drbeverley it's not especially girls. Maybe you expect your daughters to behave like that but I don't. Can't stand this viewpoint which I constantly read on here that it's only girls who are especially nasty.
Misogyny at its worse.

Neutrogena · 04/09/2017 06:45

@elfinpre

Doesn't sounds like competitive parenting at all. Just parents who want to please their child and have the intelligence to realise there are different tiers of friendship.

kateandme · 04/09/2017 07:22

no way just hava smaller party.and invite both to both.or one or the other.

Slarti · 04/09/2017 07:31

if you make life revolve around your child they will not know how to deal with their own feelings/problems because mummy will always sort it

...

I do what my DD wants on her birthday

So everyone else's children need to learn to deal with the feelings that come from such meanness because your special snowflake simply must get her own way. Irony much?

youarenotkiddingme · 04/09/2017 07:42

I don't think it's terrible if it's a whole class or a party of 10 at soft/play bowling etc and just a couple return to sleep.

It would be terrible if it's 4 boys pizza and cinema and all but 1 have been invited back.

I also don't get the horror of reception only wedding invites?
Admittedly o come from a large family but on our side there is 60!
So when cousins get married that's 60 before friends and bride/grooms family.
So some do wedding (usually immediate family/ aunts/ closest cousins) and the rest of us do wedding breakfast.
Then some invite work colleagues/neighbours etc to the evening party as well.