to think that "two tier" birthday parties are mean?

[haventkilledtheorchidyet]

I have never had any parties for my children where a proportion of the invitees are invited for a sleepover, and the rest go home. My view has always been that these provoke bad feelings in the ones who have to go home, somehow thinking they are "second tier" friends.

My poor DS, it seems, has been invited to one of these parties and will be coming home when others at the party are transported back for a sleepover.

Your views on this? I understand that some parents want to do exactly what their children want, maybe can't fit all children in their home for a sleepover, etc. but AIBU to expect parents to do the adult thing and treat all partygoers the same on the day, and perhaps have a sleepover at a different time?

I'm not looking forward to seeing my DS after this party :(

I don't know why a parent would not want to encourage the kid to be happy and appreciative of being invited to the party,rather than beefing about missing teh sleepover bit. You want to be encouraging an upbeat positive attitude in your children rather than churlish and looking for the negative in everything

Are you really saying that your children would rather be invited to 2 small birthday sleepovers/parties a year than go to seven parties, with five of them being party-only guests while others stayed for a sleepover and two where your child got to have a sleepover?

My kids are generally very happy to be invited to a party, and don't much care if a couple of the guests stay behind for a sleepover. They'd definitely prefer that to not being invited.

Nothing is easy these days. If most of the child's friends are in the same class then how do children in the class - but not invited at all - feel? So, a 2-tier party is really a 3-tier party to begin with!

I can also think of a few Bday parties when we've felt obliged to invite certain kids (so as not to upset those kids or their parents) that our DD would prefer not to have at her party and those same kids ruining the party (or at least causing some upset).

I guess if you want to hold a party at all then it ought to be for your kid and you have to have his / her desires (and best interests) at heart - combined with practical considerations such as space and money. You can encourage discretion I guess (though probably with limited success for younger kids).

No easy answer.

I just can't believe the strong feeling on this. We are all left out of things sometimes, surely. My DC have been left out of things over the years, and we've not made a big thing of it. Just said it's one of those things. It surely teaches resilience.

Crap!

It's adults facilitating bullying. There will be at least one child who thinks they're 'in' with the group and they'll be left out.

Utter crap

That's a really shitty mean thing to do OP. I don't usually comment but this type of pitting children against their friends makes me so 😠😠😠
I too have never had parties for my DS (he is ASD but that's a different convo)! However, he has been excluded from so many parties by so called friends - it f¥cks me right off when they then put gloaty pictures on facebook.
If I were you I wouldnt make too much of a fuss. You said he will probably be a bit upset but he will still want to go. Send him to the party with strict orders to enjoy himself big-time.
When I'm in this situation I usually treat my DS to a day out somewhere to make up for feeling left out. I hope he's not too upset.

But surely that would happen anyway unless you invite every child that has even the most tenuous relationship with your child to their party.

Mine have never had a problem with it.

That sounds a bit wierd to be honest. My dd has a group of friends who all know and like each other, and one friend from a different school who really doesn't get on with the group. So we had two different parties, one sleepover with the one friend, and a party with the group. We certainly didn't mention to either that the other thing was happening.

I dont have a problem with it so long as my dc aren't the only ones left out - who can have 20 kids sleeping over at their house anyway? If I knew about this in advance I'd get a few of the other kids who weren't included in the party sleepover to come have a sleepover at ours - that way it's still a party for everyone - but shared out around the houses.

DD has been one of the 'second tier' kids in several occasions. Quite normal here, 10 kids invited to party, 6-8 sleep over. Often the sleepover isn't part of the party but a separate event on the night time. The second tier kids always feel shit and I reckon any parent that does this is a twat.

Best to have the sleepover on a different day.

10 kids invited to party, 6-8 sleep over.
Well, that's off. But a class party with two or three sleeping over I've no issue with, if there's a clear two or three best friends. Obviously, if there's four best friends, and only three sleeping over, that's not ok.

Ive seen happening quite a few times actually.
Usually when you have a big group of 20 or 30 going to the pool and then a select 2 or 3 go for a sleep over.
I would have no issue with the same with 10 kids but only 2 staying because it's clear that 10 10yo in the house will be too much.
I have more issues with 8 invited but 6 staying because it sends the clear message that two dcs have been invited because 'you ought to' not because they were really wanted. And yes we've had one of those too.

Btw I fully agree that in some ways it is a form of bullying or at the very least of exclusion.
That was the way it was used with my DC. Like sending the message 'well I can't really not invite you because we are always playing together, I've been invited by you several times etc but I don't really
want you there'
You also need to add complex issues with the mothers about who is and isn't in the group and who is barely tolerated. (Like being back at primary school really).
I would have nicely stepped out if the whole thing if it hadn't been for my DC who had very few friends and had unfortunately chosen the children of those mothers as friends

Things got much much better once they reached secondary school TBH.

it might not sound cruel to adults ...but it is a bit mean esp if the child not invited was a "Best Friend " on other days

my daughter wentthrough 9 years with a bestie ( nursery and 7 yrs of primary and was left out of this childs only party during this time it consisted of limo, make up glitter nails, pets corner and a sleepover. when my daughter asked why she wasnt invited she was told not enough room ... there were only 8 girls in her class and 7 were invited it upset menever mind my daughter as iwas all they talked about for a week afterwards
it made it even worse as we had watched this girl most days after school sometimes for an hr. as she mother was never home in time needless to say after what she did it as the last time we had her

I just asked DD what she thought, and she said that she didn't mind not being invited and she didn't think it was unfair, but that she wasn't the sort of person to get into arguments about friendships and always stays out of that sort of thing. She said that the children in her class don't mind if they aren't invited to the sleepover part of a party, but they do mind if they aren't invited to a party at all.

People are really scraping the barrel with reasons why this is bad. Sleepovers don't cause bullying on social media. Nor do they mean a child is second rate because the party dc essentially has 2 parties. You can't expect other people's dc to not have sleepovers unless your child is invited. Nor is having a minority of guests to sleep bullying, or remotely the same as excluding 2/3 from a large daytime party, or inviting 7/8 to stay and sending 2 home.

Looking at the replies it's clear that some people really can't see a problem with this and others think it's insensitive. I think it's insensitive too, but have come to realise that kids parties are a crazy minefield! I suppose the best you can take from it is next time you are in a quandary about doing what you percieve to be fair and what your child wants just do whatever makes your child happy. The sooner you can teach your child to carve their own path and not to give a shit about this sort of thing the better.

Went to a cinema party, back for birthday tea, about 10 girls. Suddenly dawned on me about 7 of the girls were staying over and trying to keep it secret from those of us heading home. It was such a horrible introduction to smiling politely pretending all is fine when inside I was mortified.

I don't think people intend to hurt the Tier B children.
but it's still a shitty way to treat children.
People are thoughtless.

I just can't believe the strong feeling on this. We are all left out of things sometimes, surely. My DC have been left out of things over the years, and we've not made a big thing of it. Just said it's one of those things. It surely teaches resilience

Agreed. Teens tend to feel things very strongly and I've always felt that it's my job as their mom to lower the heat. Which is not to say that I don't feel rejected on behalf of my dds, but I try my best not to let it show.

hks that's really shiit what was done to your dd. I hope you stopped watching that girl after this. Shame on that girl's mom for letting her dd do this.

Ds would like a cinema trip with friends & pizza hut plus a sleepover for his upcoming birthday. The sleepover will only be for 1 friend due to age and it being the first one he's had but it'll be on a different day to the cinema trip. I'd feel really mean sending the other kids home and keeping one 'special' one to stay.

Dilly's that's really thoughtful of you.

YANBU this sort of thing is just encouraging bullying in my opinion even without the internet there is going to be the snide comments at school and the sleepover invitees lording it over others at school.

Children should be encouraged to have a wide circle of friends and not best friends. If they want a sleepover then have a small party. Inviting "friends" who aren't good enough to sleepover just smacks of greediness and wanting more presents.

That's just rude.

I just can't believe the strong feeling on this. We are all left out of things sometimes, surely. My DC have been left out of things over the years, and we've not made a big thing of it. Just said it's one of those things. It surely teaches resilience.

I don't think a children's birthday party is the right time to build up resilience
Parties are meant to be fun. It's not an occasion when a child should have to hide their hurt feelings and pretend to be happy.

The ones saying there's nothing wrong with it and children should toughen up.
How about you toughening up and telling your children Party OR Sleepover. Either or.
That'll teach them resilience.
what is it with bloody sleepovers anyway