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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that "two tier" birthday parties are mean?

284 replies

haventkilledtheorchidyet · 02/09/2017 17:10

I have never had any parties for my children where a proportion of the invitees are invited for a sleepover, and the rest go home. My view has always been that these provoke bad feelings in the ones who have to go home, somehow thinking they are "second tier" friends.

My poor DS, it seems, has been invited to one of these parties and will be coming home when others at the party are transported back for a sleepover.

Your views on this? I understand that some parents want to do exactly what their children want, maybe can't fit all children in their home for a sleepover, etc. but AIBU to expect parents to do the adult thing and treat all partygoers the same on the day, and perhaps have a sleepover at a different time?

I'm not looking forward to seeing my DS after this party :(

OP posts:

MadMags · 03/09/2017 15:28

coddi you really think that parents who have some children sleeping over views their child's party as the event of the year?? I mean, really?

misshelena · 03/09/2017 15:53

and I am amazed by the amount of posters here who seem to think that an invitation to their child's birthday party is the event of the year and everybody should be humbly grateful to be invited.

Are you saying that OP should just decline the invitation because it's obviously not the "event of the year" instead of asking and complaining about it on MN?

idk, I don't think any party is "event of the yr" either, but OP isn't wrong to ask. It's a fair discussion subject.

Slarti · 03/09/2017 16:19

Sounds like there are an awful lot of children being raised to be entitled and spoilt, IMO.

Indeed. Children ought to be told that excluding guests from part of the party is incredibly bad form, but I suspect the parents of these special little birthday boys and girls are too afraid to upset them.

misshelena · 03/09/2017 16:39

Sounds like there are an awful lot of children being raised to be entitled and spoilt, IMO.

Are you saying that OP's child is "entitled and spoilt"? That he should just be grateful to have been invited to the party? I don't disagree with you, but I think you are being a bit harsh.

brownpurse · 03/09/2017 16:50

This was common practice when mine were young. Now all in their 20's they seem remarkably unscathed by the whole practice. Their generation seem to have totally embraced the two tier wedding guest tradition so I gather from that they didn't find a hierarchy amongst birthday party guests too cruel .:)

coddiwomple · 03/09/2017 17:00

MadMags the ones who are saying that the children should be grateful to have been invited to the first part of the party? Yes, it clearly seem like these parents do (think that their own party is the event of the year).
I wasn't talking about the parents whose kids are being told to go home because they are not good enough for the whole thing.

I am not saying anything against the OP, I completely agree with her!

I also find two-tier weddings very rude too, but unless it's a work colleague or a neighbour, it's a pleasure to decline the invitation

smallone · 03/09/2017 17:25

It's a dick move, is it really that hard to schedule the sleepover on a different night?

jessebuni · 03/09/2017 17:26

As a few others have stated if it was like 3 people staying and 4 people going home it'd probably seem a bit mean but if it's 10-30 kids for the party of which 2-3 staying I don't really see a problem.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 03/09/2017 17:29

Sounds fine to me. This was the norm when I was in school and I don't remember ever feeling upset at not going on to do the sleepover or whatever.

Children normally have 2-3 close friends and then lots of less-close friends. Other children understand that.

ChickenMom · 03/09/2017 17:30

Blimey. When did kids parties all get so complicated! I think it's crap. Why can't everyone just have a "normal" party with "normal" gifts and do sleepovers another day! Why does everybody have to do this selection process. Yes it's ok if your kid gets invited to all the things because you're on the "popular" list. FFS. So sick of this uber perfect partying crap. Take a moment and think of the poor kids that don't get to participate, the ones who feel sad because they aren't "special sleepover friends". I wouldn't do it to anybody else and I think everyone with kids needs to get some empathy and compassion because I see too many of these things happening. In my day it was an after school tea party with soggy sandwiches and nobody being left out.

smellybeanpole · 03/09/2017 17:31

What Codd said.

Kathderoet · 03/09/2017 17:33

No YANBU I would never throw a party like this. Why can't the parents have a party one day for everyone and if it's so important have a sleepover another night. They say kids can be cruel, no wonder when you look at the thoughtlessness of some of the parents.

mightyducks · 03/09/2017 17:34

This has happened to my my DD, 10 went to the party, 6 stayed for the sleep over and 4 went home including my DD, she was so upset my it all , I really wished she hadn't gone but had no clue this was the case until I picked her up and all became apparent. I thought it was really shitty and horrible for the four going home

Daydream007 · 03/09/2017 17:37

My DD has been left out of these types of sleepovers before and she was fine with it after I simply explained that they can't have everyone sleeping over as they wouldn't have the room and to be glad she's been invited to the party. Also if it's the minority that's been asked to sleepover then this backs up the point about not having enough room.

elevenclips · 03/09/2017 17:38

It's alright if it's very clear cut: eg 15 kids to party and 2 or 3 to the sleepover. As long as the majority are not going to the sleepover and the "closest friend" thing is clear cut and nobody who thinks they are a close friend doesn't go.

My dd has been to a couple like this where the party girl was a friend but not one of her closest friends so dd not being invited to the sleepover was fine.

I think it has to be done carefully. Unfortunately sometimes it done carelessly and hurts people and other times it's a deliberate fuck you done by bullies.

Maireadplastic · 03/09/2017 17:39

I don't like it. But then I don't like sleepovers either.

ittakes2 · 03/09/2017 17:40

The birthday party is for the birthday child - not your child.

jayne1976 · 03/09/2017 17:47

Just sorted a bday party today and had this conversation with the other child's mother - we said no post birthday sleepover for this reason! Happened to one of my kids a few years ago and they were distraught throughout the whole party seeing other kids turn up with trunkies etc!

SunshineLollipopsRainbows25 · 03/09/2017 17:47

I don't see the harm in it, kids need to learn they can't have everything, it's life and sometimes life is hard your child will get over it, I'm sure if it was your child choosing kids to stay over he wouldn't care of the other kids feelings. all kids go through things like this and they will get over it

SunshineLollipopsRainbows25 · 03/09/2017 17:48

if my 6yo DD came home upset because of something like this I would just explain the parents can't have everyone to sleep over and leave it at that I wouldn't console her because it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of life

jayne1976 · 03/09/2017 17:51

as my child was part of a small group who reguarly played together / had play dates etc and was the only one not taking their suitcase to the party she did find it upsetting, but I guess might not be so bad if it's not so close knit.

whiteroseredrose · 03/09/2017 17:52

Why not have a party and no sleepover?

comedycentral · 03/09/2017 17:56

I wouldn't throw a two tier party, but then again I'm not a shitty person. I would hate the idea of any children feeling left out.

coddiwomple · 03/09/2017 17:57

The birthday party is for the birthday child - not your child

to a point. I wouldn't be too impressed with mine if they decided to exclude one or 2 children from the entire class party for example, unless they have a very good reason to justify it. Playing "favourite" as a host is not acceptable either. If they have guests, they have to be pleasant to everyone, or they have a much smaller party. It's not that difficult.

Maireadplastic · 03/09/2017 18:01

Does anybody else not do sleepovers?

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