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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS could only get 1 1/2 a levels, AIBU to think university isn't for him?

152 replies

Pickford1988 · 01/09/2017 14:36

DS wants to do pysics at university Shock he wants to end up being a secondary school teacher.

He did his a levels via distance learning due to us moving around a lot for his dad's work.

He only managed to get 1 1/2 a levels; he says it's because he struggled with learning from the booklets.

Surely if you're going to uni, you need to be able to learn like that??

He plans on doing an access Diploma to then go on to uni.

AIBU to think this path isn't the right thing for him?

OP posts:
Elephantsahoy · 01/09/2017 15:58

PMSL at university being "learning from booklets".

It's his life, not yours. You sound very ignorant.

spanieleyes · 01/09/2017 15:58

She's only there for 2 years

And your son's A level course would also have been 2 years, so why was it different for him?

Ellisandra · 01/09/2017 15:59

And what do you mean, only 2 years?

Those 2 years were academically pretty bloody important for your son.

Only 2 years Hmm

If it was only 2 years, wasn't long for you to spend supporting him, was it?

You said boarding school would have been more expensive for him - why might that be? Oh yeah! Because A levels are hard, and important

You fucked this up for him. Sort it out now.

senua · 01/09/2017 16:00

She's only there for 2 years

What? You're going to repeat the mistake with her?
Give your children the stable home life they deserve. You and your DH might have "done alright" but your DC haven't.

Ellisandra · 01/09/2017 16:01

"And money if you have it".

Oh the money was there all right. Money for boarding school for another child. The one they bothered about. The money that would have been enough to run a second home for 2 years.

brassbrass · 01/09/2017 16:02

I think it's all already been said.

You've failed him. Moving around won't have helped at all.

Physics is a difficult subject and cannot be self taught. If you couldn't afford school fees you should have at least provided a tutor.

Go away and find out how you can help him. Adjust your attitude towards him. Are you invested in his future at all?

He could repeat the year with a tutor on the side and resit his exams. There are options.

scrabbler3 · 01/09/2017 16:02

He's done ok in two proper subjects without proper teaching. Of course he can do well in future! His plan sounds sensible.

You can't erase your mistakes but you can support him now.

Titanz · 01/09/2017 16:03

Holy shit I missed that elliss

I feel so so sad for this lad.

GrumpyOldBag · 01/09/2017 16:03

Your DS has done really well to get the qualifications he already has in very difficult circumstances.

It sounds as if he's a clever chap, with a genuine aptitude for Science - and in the right environment with good professional teaching could go on to have e a very successful professional teaching career himself.

There's a desperate shortage of Physics teachers - it's one of the most sought-after teaching jobs from employers .

I do hope you will encourage him to follow the path which will help him to achieve his dream.

AnUtterIdiot · 01/09/2017 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

quicknamechang · 01/09/2017 16:06

I take it he's 18/19? Use the money that you should have used for him to go to boarding school/have a tutor to help him find somewhere to live near a college where he can do his access course/resit his A Levels
away from his family who clearly don't give a shit

sizeofalentil · 01/09/2017 16:11

Preventing him from going to university now may well cripple his earning potential in the future.

And if he wants to be a teacher, university really is the only route.

YABU.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 01/09/2017 16:12

His GCSEs were all Bs. No As (I'm not saying that in a bad way before anyone jumps down my throat)

Well if you're not saying that in a bad way, why the need to emphasise that he didn't get any As? What's wrong with leaving it at 'His GCSE's were all Bs'?

He couldn't board because quite frankly with Bs at GCSE he wasn't going to get into a private sixth form

So why the 'quite frankly'? Not only is this entire sentence factually incorrect, but 'quite frankly' is superior and dismissive. And it sounds like you were glad to tell yourselves this because it absolved you of any responsibility.

What's the problem here? Has having him made your lives harder with the business and the travelling and you resent him for it, even though him being here at all was your choice, not his?

There's something deeply wrong about this. You give him no credit academically, and you don't even sound as though you like him very much. I can't find one post of yours so far that has anything good to say about him.

brassbrass · 01/09/2017 16:16

OP can you gauge just how gutted everyone is for your son?

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 01/09/2017 16:17

There are a number of bursaries available for people wishing to teach, especially in STEM subjects. I hope your son can access the support he needs and clearly isn't getting from his parents. Maybe let him have a look at this site...

getintoteaching.education.gov.uk/explore-my-options/training-to-teach-secondary-subjects/training-to-teach-physics

I wish him luck 🍀

sonjadog · 01/09/2017 16:22

Wow, this thread was really used as a chance to give the OP a good kicking.

Regarding the opening post, university education is not all self study, and if he enjoys working class and in groups, then he will thrive in the environment.

Physics is hard, but I think with Bs at GCSE and managing the grades he got at A and AS level, it sounds like he does the intellectual capacity for it. Motivation is also a major factor and you say that this is what he wants to do.

I would support him in the Access diploma. It sounds like it is the right decision for him now and I think it sounds like he is realistic in his ambitions.

fatowl · 01/09/2017 16:24

My DD (just starting Y11 now) is going to boarding school for 6th form. DHS job is just too unpredictable and he is going to have to do 3 months here and maybe six months there for the next few years.
We've saved for this and planned it and she is happy with it (she chose the school)

Your poor son.

I am so lucky my parents were supportive of education, even though, like you they never went to Uni themselves.

My BIL's parents weren't. They just couldn't see the value and he dropped science (back in the late 70s before it was compulsory) because he found parts of it hard. Rather than support him, to find out where to get help, they said "OK then drop it". He's "OK" like you OP, and earns a living, but he bitterly bitterly regrets not getting the education he was capable of. He is incredibly interested in science and physics and has learnt an awful lot through reading and watching (very geeky) documentaries, he amazes my DH (who has a Scientific PhD) with the stuff he has taught himself.

mirialis · 01/09/2017 16:25

Poor kid. Sounds pretty bright to me.

Deserves all the help that can be found to get into uni.

thirtyplusone · 01/09/2017 16:31

All Bs is really good OP. Exams aren't for everyone. I had one a* one a and a lovely mix of Bs and Cs. I went on to have a six figure salary career with no A levels so please don't focus on the A level results other than to take your circumstances into consideration. It's likely in a classroom environment he would have done better but that's not to put blame on you. The access courses are designed for these kind of situations and it will be a good indicator or wether of not uni is for him.

College environments are quite different to uni often with smaller classes.

Sounds like a good idea all round to me.

senua · 01/09/2017 16:34

He couldn't board because quite frankly with Bs at GCSE he wasn't going to get into a private sixth form

"Pupils who are offered a place must gain at least seven GCSEs Grade C or above, including Maths and English (or an agreed equivalent if they’re an overseas candidate). We also recommend that a minimum of a B grade at GCSE is achieved in any subject or related subject which is to be studied at A Level."
You could have send him to a State boarding school. Cheaper than private and a lower entrance requirement.
You really failed him.

RoomOfRequirement · 01/09/2017 16:35

I understand its difficult to make a living at the moment, and that moving about is a necessary part of a lot of jobs. YANBU for doing that. I think you're getting a hard time over that from people lucky enough to not be in that position.

However, YABVU in your tone regarding your son. You did what was needed for your family at the time, but that did mean it was difficult for your son. He did well in 2 of the most difficult a-levels with barely any -no? Support. He knows what he wants to do and has looked into the ways to do it. Support him.

Shock At the 'We didnt go to uni and turned out alright'. Great, well done. Doesn't mean thats not right for your son. Is your DD still at boarding school? Will this be your reaction if she also wants to go to uni?

Pigflewpast · 01/09/2017 16:35

It's already been said but is worth repeating
HOW DO YOU EXPECT HIM TO DO AN APPRENTICESHIP IF HE HAS TO MOVE AWAY ALL THE TIME?
At least he gets accommodation at Uni so the poor boy actually has somewhere settled to live. Oh and gets to do what he's worked bloody hard to do, on his own, despite your negativity.
Why do you think it's ok to treat your two children so differently? From the way you talk about him I'd have thought you'd be glad to be rid of him at Uni.

Alexkate2468 · 01/09/2017 16:36

I'm not one for jumping on the band wagon and telling someone they are but but, OP, I really don't think you can see how unreasonable you are being. To be mature enough at 16 to study at a distance is a huge credit to your boy. Success in most things in life is down to attitude and hard work so I think he would do really well. Please give him a break and the support it appears you give to your daughter. I can't imagine how he must feel to see the opportunity his sister has that he doesn't.
Also this is a critical time for him, please consider how the unstable nature of his life could impact his future. I really wish him all the best.

thirtyplusone · 01/09/2017 16:36

He couldn't board because quite frankly with Bs at GCSE he wasn't going to get into a private sixth form and the cost of that would have been so much more than dd's

Having read this in full this is a sad attitude to take. Poor kid.

Private doesn't mean all As. There are any number of boarding schools who would have accepted this actually very good result.

Support him, it's the least he deserves.

corythatwas · 01/09/2017 16:46

"I understand its difficult to make a living at the moment, and that moving about is a necessary part of a lot of jobs. YANBU for doing that. I think you're getting a hard time over that from people lucky enough to not be in that position.

However, YABVU in your tone regarding your son."

This. If your OP had read: "Unfortunately our son has had a very unsettled educational experience but he has still remained motivated enough to get an A-level and an AS level, and we are enormously proud of him: how can we support his ambitions?" you would have had a totally different response.

Start again, try to see it from that angle. The difficulties of your son's education may have been unavoidable, but they are still real and they mean he cannot be judged by the same standards as youngsters who have benefited from 2 years' full tuition. His results don't actually tell us anything about his capacity, but the mere fact that he persevered tells us something about his attitude. Start from there and then see what you can do to help and encourage him. Make sure he knows how proud you are of him!