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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS could only get 1 1/2 a levels, AIBU to think university isn't for him?

152 replies

Pickford1988 · 01/09/2017 14:36

DS wants to do pysics at university Shock he wants to end up being a secondary school teacher.

He did his a levels via distance learning due to us moving around a lot for his dad's work.

He only managed to get 1 1/2 a levels; he says it's because he struggled with learning from the booklets.

Surely if you're going to uni, you need to be able to learn like that??

He plans on doing an access Diploma to then go on to uni.

AIBU to think this path isn't the right thing for him?

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 01/09/2017 15:38

So did he not attend any school 6th form or college at all?

What does your husband do that necessitates moving around so much? Run a circus?

OhYouBadBadKitten · 01/09/2017 15:38

How will he be doing an apprenticeship if you keep moving?

Peregrane · 01/09/2017 15:39

University is not for everybody. If your son were unmotivated, hated books, longed to spend his whole day outdoors or doing something "practical", I'd say your scepticism was justified.

However. You have a child who is motivated, and most likely capable. I agree with everyone upthread who was impressed by what your son has achieved so far in the face of adversity (by which I mean you and your DH not treating his education as a priority at all).

You realise that other people ask the question of "which is the best school I can get my DC into" before going on to "what does that imply for where we need to live - in order to get DC into that school"? That they think of their children's education before taking other major life decisions? I am aware that many people do not have a choice in that respect. But your posts come across as if it weren't just economic necessity, but also a matter of priorities that led to your dragging your child around without the chance for a normal education.

My father worked and studied away from home when I was a child. We didn't have two homes (in fact we didn't have any for some time, and were forced to stay with relatives; when we did have places to rent they were often single-room dwellings). We moved a lot. And even in that situation I was always attending an actual school.

I know families now where one parent works away from home. One works abroad - he does not maintain a home there, but stays in the simplest B&Bs, while wife and child stay put in the one home that they have.

Why was any of that not possible for you?

Pansiesandredrosesandmarigolds · 01/09/2017 15:39

What if he doesn't do Uni? Would the plan then be to start him in the family business? Because it doesn't sound like that is what he wants.

LoniceraJaponica · 01/09/2017 15:40

And how did he manage to do GCSEs?

Could you not get a job and stay in one place just so the children can get through public exams?

Cailleach666 · 01/09/2017 15:40

OP you have done your son a great disservice.

Stability for my children during exam years is absolute top priority.

fc301 · 01/09/2017 15:40

Assuming he is 18 or nearly 18 he is basically an adult. This is his choice to make, not yours.
You should be supporting and encouraging his clear ambitions. If you stand in his way he will resent YOU.

Do you ever praise him?

SlothMama · 01/09/2017 15:41

He's done well to get this far by distance learning, can you afford to get him a tutor to help him spend a year improving his A-levels and to get a third as-level to have 2 1/2. I got into uni to do a sciences degree with 2 1/2 and came out with a 2:1

I think it's doable, and can't see how he'll benefit by doing an apprenticeship if he wants to be a teacher

spanieleyes · 01/09/2017 15:41

He can just do "an apprenticeship"= any old thing because it doesn't matter!

I am so cross Angry

Notevilstepmother · 01/09/2017 15:41

I think he is old enough to decide for himself, and an access course sounds like it might be the right thing for him. He won't struggle to be employed if he qualifies as a physics teacher.

BarbarianMum · 01/09/2017 15:42

Maybe your ds wants to be a teacher as his education has taught him the value of one? Distance learning doesn't suit many people, i think he's done well to get so far.

corythatwas · 01/09/2017 15:42

University lecturer here and I am very impressed by a young man who has the determination to teach himself to this level in such demanding subjects. This is exactly the kind of student we would hope to attract.

Also completely taken aback at your dismissive attitude. Why did you conclude that it was not worth trying to find a suitable boarding school for him just because he got Bs at GCSE??? Surely there would have been plenty of schools prepared to take him, just not the most selective ones? You seem to be saying that if he couldn't achieve at absolutely top level, his education just wasn't worth worrying about. Surely even boarding with a family and attending a state college would have been far, far better?

Nuttynoo · 01/09/2017 15:43

If you paid for your dd to board and paid for her uni, then you should be giving your DS an equivalent amount in money AND support him to go to uni. You've made some terrible choices tbh.

Allthewaves · 01/09/2017 15:43

So u didn't even look into him being able to board because he got b's and u didn't deem him worth the cost - nice.

Let him decide what he wants to do for uni. He's a adult now. U don't have to fund him, that's your choice.

Its superhard to do A levels by distance learning esp with no tutor involvement.

RideOn · 01/09/2017 15:45

I think an access diploma sounds like a great idea. It will give him time to cover subjects relevant to degree.

There is a shortage of Physics teachers in lots of places.

Physics is interesting to study! So I'd be glad if mine went to do something like that.

Ellisandra · 01/09/2017 15:46

Come to think of it...

How much has your daughter's boarding school cost? £5K a term?

For £15K a year you could have chosen somewhere cheap - you have the whole of the U.K. to choose from - and rented a place for you and the kids.

You've failed him.

When he dropped the chemistry because he didn't know how to do the practicals, why didn't you get him a bloody tutor?!

All this time his sister is in bloody boarding school! Tell him to google Golden Child. Get a head start on therapy Confused

Gentlygrowingoldermale · 01/09/2017 15:49

I think he should do an apprenticeship

Sums it up for me.

My Dad decided what I should do for a job. Eventually I became the teacher I always wanted to be.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 01/09/2017 15:51

He's really been sold short!

He's managed brilliantly well, on his own..

As others have said uni is not :learning out of pamphlets', he will read, go to lectures, attend seminars with other students and also have tutorials... He will be able to immerse himself in something he really is interested in with kids with similar interests and staff who really are experts in their subjects... He will able to develop and have fun!

Apprenticeships if he doesn't want to do it?... Grim!

He needs his opportunity to shine.. Please don't encourage him away from his dreams!

ImDoingLaundry · 01/09/2017 15:52

Distance learning for A-levels is very different to university. Although a lot of it is independent learning, you also get the benefit of working with people in a similar mindset, the support of tutors and other university staff, a greater range of resources, amongst other things.

Teaching yourself from books is not the same as attending lectures and benefitting from the knowledge of the tutors.

Besides, do you really want to push him into an apprenticeship and stop him from doing what he really wants? Being a physics teacher is a respectable job. If that's what he wants to do, chances are he'll be more inclined to work harder for it.

My parents pushed me into an admin apprenticeship after I left school with "just okay" GCSE results, I resented them for it. Several years later, I quit my admin job, completed an access with four distinctions and one merit, and I took one of 12 places on my course at a very good university.

Don't give up on him.

Ellisandra · 01/09/2017 15:52

I was almost sympathetic about a parent being out of their depth with a higher level of education that their own.

Until I read they sorted out boarding school for their little princess.

Original poster
Pickford1988 · 01/09/2017 15:55

She's only there for 2 years Hmm

OP posts:
ZoeWashburne · 01/09/2017 15:56

I have a PhD and would struggle to teach myself a-level chemistry.

Look, you thought you were making the best of a bad situation, but distance learning is so hard, and it really sabotaged his chances. Maybe you couldn't afford 2 houses, but chances are you could downsize so your son could get an education and your husband could be a lodger if he needed to be away.

I think your son is right to do some sort of formal education in a classroom setting.

This all reeks of 'Well I didn't go to uni and I turned out fine. What, you think you're better than us?!'

His goals are admirable, achievable and will set him up with a really lovely, rewarding career. Why on earth would you discourage that? Plus there are so many government programmes, bursaries and scholarships for people studying to become teachers.

Ellisandra · 01/09/2017 15:56

Why didn't you spend the money used on her school, to rent a place for the 3 of you whilst your husband worked away?

humblesims · 01/09/2017 15:57

*He plans on doing an access Diploma to then go on to uni.

AIBU to think this path isn't the right thing for him?*

YABU. I think it is a very good plan and I'm sure he will be fine. I think you've taken a bit of a beating on this post but I also think you should take on board how hard it will have been for him to get the qualifications he has under the circumstances you describe. Give him credit and support his decision.

Titanz · 01/09/2017 15:58

It's clear you don't value education and I expect that's something to do with your business and I bet you think it's all pulling up from bootstaps.

You quite honestly and harshly, failed your son when it came to his education. And despite that he wants to carry on - I would be extremely proud of him and supportive, just for this alone.

Support him. Do what you can to help him. Make time and money (if you have it) available to him. Focus on your son and his needs now instead of the needs of this business.

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