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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to kick my OH out?

144 replies

Myshitdontstink · 31/08/2017 17:55

Long story short he is in charge of DS when I travel for work...DS is ft at nursery but he has to drop our DS off and pick up, feed dinner, 7:30 bedtime...generally 1 night per week. Agreed condition is he drinks no alcohol as he doesn't know when to stop. Just got back after 2 nights away & he is asleep on the sofa DS is fine, I know he was awake 30mins before I got home but suspected he had been drinking then...there is an open beer can by his side, no further evidence but he hasn't even woken up and I've been back 1hr...what the fuck do I do? My DS welfare is obviously priority. Do I give him an ultimatum, kick him out? DS is 18 months old

OP posts:

RedDogsBeg · 31/08/2017 22:56

The more you post the worse it becomes, your husband keeps going into debt - presumably because he is spending his money on alcohol.

You ask him not to drink whilst in sole charge of your son because he is incapable of moderating his intake, it is irrelevant as to whether he had one can, half a can, or a mouthful he drank after being asked not to.

I suspect he has spent the whole two days drinking whilst you have been away, has hidden or disposed of most of the evidence and the half empty can in the living room was the one that tipped him into the drunken stupor. He probably has eaten very little.

Yes, why are you doubting yourself, do you really want to live like this? Do you really want to be with someone you can't trust, have no confidence in, someone who lies to you and disregards your concerns for the welfare of your child? Do you really want your child to be subjected to a life like this? How are you going to cope with being away and worrying about whether or not your oh is drinking and your child is safe? If you are going to employ someone else to stay overnight with your child your OH will just use that as an excuse to carrying on drinking.

Neither you nor your child need or deserve this.

RedDogsBeg · 31/08/2017 23:05

OP you say "he needs to seek help immediately or get out." No, I would say he needs to get out immediately and seek help.

Inertia · 31/08/2017 23:05

The more you post the worse it sounds. As far as your partner is concerned you are enabling his behaviour- you pay off his debts, pay for his home and food, presumably you pay for nursery care, and you do all the household and financial tasks too. He doesn't just bring nothing to the family, he actively drags time, money and care away from your child.

A professional child-carer may be new to your son, but at least he or she will actually care for your child and keep him safe- sometimes nursery staff will do babysitting, so you might be able to find someone that your child already knows.

Zaphodsotherhead · 31/08/2017 23:11

Surely, even if he wasn't dead drunk, he still wasn't fit to be in charge of a child? In fact, falling asleep whilst leaving a child alone in a room with access to alcohol is almost worse than being drunk!

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 31/08/2017 23:11

You cannot leave this man with your child again, until he has sought help for his addiction.

Put your child first and kick your H, out.

Kittymum03 · 01/09/2017 03:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vikingprincess81 · 01/09/2017 06:35

Op, if anyone who knows you got hold of this info they'd be within their rights to report concerns to social services. I'm not being a bitch, I'm really not, I'm trying to impress upon you how serious this is. You sound like a responsible mum, who's had the equivalent of 2 kids (isn't it exhausting having a partner who's so irresponsible as well as a young child?) for ages.
He brings nothing positive to your life, and you know he won't change, because if he was going to he'd have taken responsibility for his debts and drinking already, not leave you in charge to sort it for him, while still sneaking around.
Don't lose your child over this man. I know the practicalities seem impossible just now, but if you do let him stay, and something happens to your child while he has him, you'll regret not sorting this today.
Good luck OP, there are decent blokes out there who won't behave this way, you don't have to put up with it

MyOtherProfile · 01/09/2017 07:23

Hope you managed to get some sleep OP.

Cabininthewoods69 · 01/09/2017 07:37

You need to leave him. Hope you slept and you have responsible safe child care in place. You may get help from govrrment or your employer may help with child care cost. How awful for you and your ds. Good luck

Coastalcommand · 01/09/2017 08:00

I'd ask him to leave while he sorts himself out. May be the shock he needs.

pimmsy · 01/09/2017 08:14

I Hope you managed to get a little sleep Myshitdontstink and that your meeting this morning goes as well as possible.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/09/2017 08:14

Addicts lie. He's an addict and he lies and lies and lies to maintain his relationship with drink.

What do you think will happen when you tell him to get help immediately? Honesty? The truth.

You tell him to get out. You tell him you will talk about him coming back when he has proved he is getting help.

I expect you feel responsible for his decisions and managing his addiction. Are you thinking "If I kick him out then he will definitely go on a huge bender and a downward spiral. I need to keep him here, tell him how to get better. All he has to do is obey, which is a reasonable thing for me to expect (because I am right and I know how he should live his life)." That's codependent thinking, which is typical of the partners of alcoholics.

DartmoorDoughnut · 01/09/2017 08:31

There has to be overnight care available, a part time nanny or childminder (do childminders do overnights?) you need to kick him out as others have said. Your poor DS

exWifebeginsat40 · 01/09/2017 08:41

i hid bottles everywhere. all my time was spent planning how to get rid of the empties. i drove miles, periodically stopping to stuff a clinking carrier bag in a litter bin.

my kid (mid teens) went to live with their dad. i lost my job for turning up drunk (and i had a good job with prospects, and travel..) and for losing my temper in a huge meeting at 9am, visibly drunk.

mental hospitals, suicide attempts, police welfare checks, self harm, risky behaviour with increasng consequences and still i drank.

i'm sober now, OP. have been for 3 years or so. but none of the things that happened to me, NONE of them, stopped me drinking.

your DP is in trouble. your son is potentially in danger. you are carrying all the burden and none of it will stop him doing it anyway.

give him consequences. pack his shit and fuck him off. he can come back when he's been sober for 6 months.

it won't stop OP. get rid.

Hidingtonothing · 01/09/2017 08:41

The best way to help him is to show him rock bottom OP, he needs to find himself with bigger things to worry about than booze, like where he's going to sleep for instance.

You're worrying me a bit because this really is so bad there should be no question about what you do next, he has to go. It's immaterial that it will drop you in the shit for childcare, you can't possibly leave DS with him under any circumstances now anyway.

I know more than I care to about addiction and believe me, ultimatums about what ^will^ happen if he doesn't seek help will get you nowhere, he needs to actually lose what's important to him before anything will penetrate the fog of his addiction. You might say 'get help now or you're out' but he will hear 'I've got away with it so I can carry on as long as I hide it better'.

Don't take that risk with your son's safety, the hassle of finding alternative childcare is nothing compared to what will happen and how you will feel if DS gets hurt in his 'care'. What if he's drinking and driving with DS in the car?

RedDogsBeg · 01/09/2017 10:21

OP please take on board the posts by Run, exWife, Hiding and others who have experience of alcoholic partners and parents.

You have tried to control his drinking by controlling his access to money and giving him an ultimatum and it hasn't worked because it won't. You can't control this or fix his problem and nor should you have to.

Don't risk your son's safety and your own future.

Jg1 · 09/09/2017 22:53

Did anyone else read in the news about the father who was so drunk he didn't wake up while his child was attacked and killed by the family dog? It made me think of this thread immediately.

Kittymum03 · 10/09/2017 03:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TammySwansonTwo · 10/09/2017 08:34

Sorry, to clarify, he's passed out drunk with the child in the room? Scratch that, even if the child was in bed I'd still be livid - what if there was a fire, or the child fell down the stairs? This is so far beyond unacceptable. He would be out on his ass. My husband and I have no family help so we haven't been out since the first twin came home from hospital (so almost a year) and we don't drink in the house beyond maybe one glass of wine on rare occasions. You cannot parent and be drunk. What if he had to drive the child to the hospital? Just appalling. He needs a wake up call.

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