AIBU to kick my OH out?

[Myshitdontstink]

Long story short he is in charge of DS when I travel for work...DS is ft at nursery but he has to drop our DS off and pick up, feed dinner, 7:30 bedtime...generally 1 night per week. Agreed condition is he drinks no alcohol as he doesn't know when to stop. Just got back after 2 nights away & he is asleep on the sofa DS is fine, I know he was awake 30mins before I got home but suspected he had been drinking then...there is an open beer can by his side, no further evidence but he hasn't even woken up and I've been back 1hr...what the fuck do I do? My DS welfare is obviously priority. Do I give him an ultimatum, kick him out? DS is 18 months old

I'd have take DS to stay in a hotel etc. Then hear the panic in the twats voice when he rings me to say he's missing.

Also was the open can full or empty?

Neutrogena is that a serious question? If it is, the answer is an 18 month old drinking half a can of booze!!!! That's bloody dangerous.

Neutrogena like the toddler drinking it? Beer is what 4- 4.5% alcohol, that could make a child seriously ill. Child vomits and chokes all whilst dad is out of it on the sofa!

But no evidence of him being drunk rather than being tired and falling asleep after being on his own with a toddler for a few days.
Op has looked for proof and found none. Are we just presuming? If hes shitfaced then he deserves whatever comes but i dont know why everyone thinks he is

Yeah, you're right, it's normal to get so tired you pass Out totally, a large dog barking doesn't waken you and you don't register your spouse is at home before going to bed. Yup. Toddlers are that knackering indeed, their parents become completely non responsive. Yes indeed.

Meanwhile back in the real world.

What amazing imaginations you have.
Kids won't neck beer - they'd hate the taste.
Also, half a can of beer wouldn't harm a child.

The thing about ultimatums is that they only have an effect if you see them through. If don't go through with what you agreed then you are effectively saying that his actions are 'ok' which they are obviously not.

Practical advice; register on www.childcare.co.uk for nanny/babysitter. Checkout facebook to see if there is a local childminder/nanny facebook group. Google nanny agencies in your area and speak to them in the morning.

Once DS is in bed look out for the empties. There isnt anything that he can say that makes his behaviour ok. I would let him sleep it off and then in the morning ask him to leave

IT isn't the open beer can which would worry me. It's the fact the 18mth old was unsupervised

And OP you will never be able to trust this man again, so yes, do throw him out.

If he can't control his drinking and cant stop until he is utterly shitface or passed out then I think the Op has is more than reasonable to ask he not drink when he is in charge of their baby. Given that he can't limit himself it's not so unreasonable to think he has had more than half a can and that he has passed out due to being shit faced, esp his behaviour when he did wake. A single parent having a few drinks on an evening is fine, but regularly drinking until you're shitfaced and unable to be woken up isn't.

I can kind of relate OP as we've had same problem but with MIL. It crept up, she would have a glass of wine to relax at night , then two glasses, then three, then she would start earlier and earlier and then she moved to gin. Dh and I didn't use her for childcare for work so it wast really noticed when I said she couldn't have dd in her own as it happened rarely anyway. Sil and bil though cant work without her help, they begged her to get help, to not drink around the children, even paid for her to go to residential rehab. She's as bad now as she ever was, she on,y ever got help to keep her daughter off her back and was drinking within days of coming out.

She was also,found passed out in sofa with toddler and 5 yr old roaming around, she said it was only one drink and that the meds,p she'd been given must have reacted funny. Sil and bil were desperate for her to be ok and let her continue to look after the children. There's be enough several more incidents over the last ten years, when she does something really SN erious and family threaten to cut contact and not allow to see dc, she makes all the right noises abiut getting help, sometimes sees the go once and then family feel sorry for her at it all starts again. Addicts become very good at lying to everyone, esp those who love them.

You can't make him stop, he needs to want to stop. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

If he wanted help he'd have got it before, if you tell him you're leaving him be ready for him to put his recovery on to you, "I'll drink if you leave me" "you and dds are my life, I can't do it without you" etc, you can support him to get better but you don't have to be in a relationship with him to do that if you don't to be. You can look at things again in a year or so maybe and if he's better then look at getting back together?

If it's addiction, my concern would be that if this isn't the line that makes you leave, he may do it again or worse. Mil falling asleep on safe should have been the point where bil and sil stopped her having children unsupervised, there was so much worse to come and almost all of the grandchildren hate being around her, it's heartbreaking because Mil was one of the kindest and loveliest women.

I'm sorry OP you're going through this

Neutrogena you're either a troll looking for kicks or your an idiot - I say this having seen many comments from you defending awful behaviour - you seem to think playing devil's advocate is sophisticated when actually you come across as a morons.
OP, you gave your OH an absolute concrete rule (for the safety of your child) NO DRINKING ON DUTY. He flagrantly broke that rule...

1. in a workplace environment it'd be a dismissal.
2. if children's services were involved (which their not, but I say this as a benchmark example) they would condemn his actions on grounds of safeguarding IF you continue to allow him to care for the child unsupervised after this incident then you would also be condemned as allowing the potential danger to the child.
3. alcoholism is insidious, if you DON'T follow through on your MUTUALLY agreed rules (and remove him from YOUR home) then he will take this as a green light to continue driving and without HIM self seeking assistance, it will escalate, it will get worse, he will drink more and more often.
4. as for access, you would be entirely within your parental responsibility to say "no. You can only see x supervised by y and no overnights due to safeguarding issues as you drank alcohol and became unresponsive to external stimuli whilst x was under your care, which I was witness too on my return to the family home." write it down dates and times and if he disagrees then it's up to him to involve the family courts for a c.a.o BUT you would then be able to raise the safeguarding issue visa vie his drinking and ask for a referral to a contact centre. Just my opinion though.

We still can't tell he was drunk though? No evidence of drugs you say but there is also no evidence of more than half a can of beer? Is the hypothesis that he got totally smashed, carefully hid it all in the car, sat down with one last beer and passed out?

OP, I know you're worried about how you'll be able to afford childcare if you kick him out or not being able to complete your work contract, but the fact is that even if you let him stay, you're not ever going to trust him to do the right thing for your DS and so you'll have to get childcare anyway.

What he's done is as close to unforgivable as I can imagine. He clearly does have a drink problem and if he gets shit-faced when he hasn't had much to drink or seems to not have had much to drink, chances are he's drinking vodka or something like that secretly.

Only you know what is the right thing for you and your DS, and I would never usually say to someone to kick a partner out, but I don't see you being able to stay with him, at least in the short-term, while he is such a danger to your DS.

I am so sorry that you're having to deal with this. It's horrible and along with the anger, I'm guessing you're scared of what to do next/what's going to happen next. Is there anyone you can all tonight? Do you have any family you can rely on, or a friend who has your back? If so, then reach out. You need support right now.

There are a shocking number of places you can hide alcohol if you want to. When my mum threw my dad out, she found so many empty & half-full bottles around the house. Behind & on top of cupboards, under the bed, in his clothes drawers under shirts etc, under the car seat. They were everywhere. Many hundreds of pounds worth, all cheap stuff too. This was in addition to the bottles in the cupboard that he used to drink openly. She was finding bottles for months, literally. And yet I never really realised he was an alcoholic until it was pointed out to me, despite it being (in retrospect) pretty damned obvious.

TBH, even if he's not an alcoholic, he's not supposed to be drinking in charge of the child. It was agreed upon. A can or two of beer could make the difference between an exhausted parent and an unresponsive parent, and how is the OP to know the difference. Which is precisely why they agreed zero alcohol in the first place. My DH & I don't drink, ever, while our DD is awake. She's 5. Her safety is more important than alcohol. I'm willing to admit I'm biased on this (for obvious reasons) but alcohol ruined my childhood & it's not going to impact my DD's childhood.

Neutrogena you're either a troll looking for kicks or your an idiot
Add Araiwa to this and you're spot on

LegoCaltrops. Same with an ex. I suspected he had a problem for a long time but never found any empty cans or bottles. He made me feel like I was exaggerating and out of my mind accusing him of being drunk. It's only when I finally threw him out and went to pack his things I found all the empty bottles. He even managed to hide some in the dog food box as he always fed them and knew I wouldn't go in there. He neighbour also told me he'd been chucking hem in their bin as he knew I would look in mine.

Please do something about this, it's completely unnacceptable. I'm currently in the court system because my ex was drinking when he had our daughter and I've stopped access. He has a problem with alcohol and it won't just go away. I intend to fight for my ex to be breathalised before and after contact. Alcoholism destroys children and families, please don't let it.

timeisnotaline what you describe would not be unusual behaviour for an alcoholic.

As the child of an addict, I will never forgive my mother for staying with my father and putting us through that.

Your DC won't thank or forgive you either OP.

DS is fine, by some stroke of luck had not touched the beer...it was half drunk...I found a hidden empty in the garden.
Dog was behind an extra high stair gate, so thankfully that was not a risk.
Just checked the car and there are a couple of cans of a different brand with some non-alcoholic beer in a bag...couldnt see any empties.
I don't see how if he was just tired he wouldn't have woken up when I got home? I look after DS 3 days and 4 nights straight (whilst he mainly drinks) doesn't make me unresponsively tired. I also work 45 hrs average a week and do all cooking cleaning laundry shopping etc.
Is there any legitimate reason why drinking 2 cans would make him drunk.

As a toddler I had a few sips of beer and passed out / fell deeply asleep. I'd been helping my dad bottle beer and he'd not noticed.

That was a few sips. I can't imagine the potential impact of half a can. My DD stayed awake all night watching me. Your DS didn't have that either. I have never ever drunk beer as an adult!

DH can fall very deeply asleep. DS2 (terrible sleeper) would let DH sleep (he'd poke me awake! 😡). This was when he was more like 3 or 4. But it wasn't drink, it was complete and utter exhaustion from work which meant I couldn't hold it against him. It was only ever in a fairly safe lounge (stair gates on both doors out of room).

I can't imagine someone being drunk on 1.5 cans if they drink regularly.

Had he had a bad night with your DS?

He sounds awfully like an alcoholic. Please don't write this off just because you can't find the cans/bottles -- they may be hidden somewhere or put in a neighbour's bin instead. The behaviour alone is a warning sign that this man is dangerously unable to prioritise your child. Even if he did have the flu or whatever you would expect him to be able to understand that he needed help with a young toddler and call you.

Alcoholics are very good at hiding their empties. Thrown over the neighbours wall, inside a welly boot, top of the wardrobe, back of a cupboard, under the bed, empty suitcase, etc. If your gut tells you he's drunk then don't let the absence of empty cans or bottles mislead you. The empty half a can will be the decoy for the "but I only had half a can.."