Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

AIBU to kick my OH out?

144 replies

Myshitdontstink · 31/08/2017 17:55

Long story short he is in charge of DS when I travel for work...DS is ft at nursery but he has to drop our DS off and pick up, feed dinner, 7:30 bedtime...generally 1 night per week. Agreed condition is he drinks no alcohol as he doesn't know when to stop. Just got back after 2 nights away & he is asleep on the sofa DS is fine, I know he was awake 30mins before I got home but suspected he had been drinking then...there is an open beer can by his side, no further evidence but he hasn't even woken up and I've been back 1hr...what the fuck do I do? My DS welfare is obviously priority. Do I give him an ultimatum, kick him out? DS is 18 months old

OP posts:

grandOlejukeofYork · 31/08/2017 18:56

I didn't say they never did, I said they rarely did. Which is the case.

littlebird77 · 31/08/2017 18:56

Did you find more tins in the bin?

You just can not let him look after ds again. 18 months is such a dangerous age as well, anything could have happened. The house could have burnt to the ground and he would still be asleep.

You would be better of with professional childcare and to follow through. It is possible that you he can have counselling and treatment, but really you need him to leave to understand the gravity of what has just happened.

Thank goodness your ds is okay

Original poster

Myshitdontstink · 31/08/2017 18:58

grandOlejukeofYork that's what I'm worried about, at least if he lives here I can monitor it...I also thought about just putting DS with an overnight sitter anyway and letting him stay but never having DS other than pick ups and drop offs but that's not drawing the line :-( Aquamarine I am pretty close to it!

OP posts:

blueskyinmarch · 31/08/2017 18:58

Are you certain he has been drinking and not got the flu or something? He sounds totally out of it. If he has drunk enough to be in that state then you need to kick him out. He is not safe around your DS.

RedDogsBeg · 31/08/2017 18:58

Personally I would wake him up and throw him out now. I understand that you have all the other 'what ifs/practicalities' spinning around in your head but you can deal with them once he's gone.

The impact of you suddenly and decisively implementing your deal breaker ultimatum may (but don't hold your breath) shock him into doing something about his alcohol problem.

Your son's safety is paramount and he is not safe with his irresponsible excuse of a father.

Mamabear4180 · 31/08/2017 19:01

I'd let him sleep it off, give yourself time to calm down then tell him he has to leave at least temporarily until he's got help for his alcoholism if that's what it is. Don't allow this behaviour it will only get worse

RedDogsBeg · 31/08/2017 19:03

No you can't monitor it if he lives with you, he'll just become more adept at hiding it. If you do nothing now he'll know any ultimatums or deal breakers are just empty threats.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/08/2017 19:05

If drinking is so important to him, he might prefer to just have contact on a Saturday morning or whatever.

quercuscircus · 31/08/2017 19:05

Don't let what ifs and fear of the practicalities put you off from doing what you think is right OP.

You can't be forever supervising your DH - you'd end up needing childcare because you couldn't trust him anyway.

Is ti possible to get some evidence? Can you ask him to drive ot the shop to buy something and see if he would or whether the would say he was over the limit? Just thinking of ways to give you some extra evidence maybe.

But do what is right for you and your DS, I'm sure the practicalties can be worked out later with people more trustwrthy than your 'D'H.

Original poster

Myshitdontstink · 31/08/2017 19:06

I have repeatedly asked him to see the Dr for a healthcheck since Christmas as he keeps denying that he has drunk as much as he appears to have done...he is either a total liar or there is an underlying issue...I haven't found any other cans but haven't found his car keys yet as he may have hidden empire in there? Blue bin was emptied today so there was no hope of hiding them in there...

OP posts:

NicolasFlamel · 31/08/2017 19:09

Some people are being so chilled about this the child wasn't safely sleeping in bed. OP says he was watching tv while his dad got drunk and passed out on the sofa. That's not even remotely acceptable.
How can you even be sure your son didn't get to the beer can before you got home? Your partner isn't safe to supervise a child.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2017 19:14

Does he take any pain meds? Those combined with booze would make him a zombie. Could he have a drug problem as well?

TotalRandomName · 31/08/2017 19:14

My DH had a problem with drinking when we first got together.
I kept on at him about it but it took the shock of losing a job because he turned up to work drunk and me threatening very seriously to leave him.
He stopped drinking that night (7 years ago) and hasn't touched a drop since.

It takes a shock I think for people to face addiction... leaving him could be the best thing not only for him but for your family in the long run, he could get sober and you could get back together.

First step is the big one, kick him out.

Emmageddon · 31/08/2017 19:15

I would ask him to leave. This might just be his rock bottom, the point where he accepts he has a drink problem and seeks help and support to get into recovery.

Meanwhile keep your child safe. Childcare isn't unsurmountable, and a nanny/aupair/child minder is a far better prospect than your partner, at the moment.

araiwa · 31/08/2017 19:18

I dont understand why op and everyone else thinks he is wasted? Have i missed something?

Half a can of beer in the living room? Sleeping? I dont get it

hotchocolatepop · 31/08/2017 19:18

Im not sure I'd even trust him to collect from
Nursery what if he'd been drinking during the day and drink driving?

Chocolatecoveredpeanuts · 31/08/2017 19:19

Nope. Not a bit of it. I'd be packing his shit loudly and dumping it in his car, locking the car and hiding the keys and then kicking him out with an overnight bag.

He won't be facilitated to drive drunk, if he calls the police kicking off you can hand them the car keys and say to them to breathalyse him.

I wouldn't spend another moment with someone who gets drunk while in sole charge of a small child.

Runningpear · 31/08/2017 19:20

Is he taking any meds or does he take drugs? This isn't s normal reaction to 1 beer.

MudCity · 31/08/2017 19:28

that's what I'm worried about, at least if he lives here I can monitor it...I also thought about just putting DS with an overnight sitter anyway and letting him stay but never having DS other than pick ups and drop offs but that's not drawing the line

OP, this might work in the short-term but can you really imagine years of this....monitoring him, using overnight sitters because you can't trust your partner, not being able to rely on him to do anything more than pick ups and drop offs? That would be so stressful and more pressure on you. Where's the future in that?

RedDogsBeg · 31/08/2017 19:35

arawia yes you have missed something - the Op's OH was passed out on the sofa whilst in charge of an 18 month old. The 18 month old was left unsupervised, with an open can of beer within easy reach on the floor, the OP's OH didn't hear OP come in, in fact remained asleep for at least another hour, nor did he stir to the sound of the dog barking - do you think that's all fine and dandy? If none of the above woke him from his drunken stupor what chance an 18 month old arousing him? Would you be happy for someone in charge of your child to behave like this?

The OP is aware her OH has a problem with drink and specifically asked him to refrain from drinking whilst caring for his son but he doesn't care enough not to.

All the above information was in the opening post and the OP's updates.

Original poster

Myshitdontstink · 31/08/2017 19:38

He is not on any medication and as far as I know takes no drugs...I have seen no evidence of any drug taking.

OP posts:

araiwa · 31/08/2017 19:41

But no evidence of him being drunk rather than being tired and falling asleep after being on his own with a toddler for a few days.

Op has looked for proof and found none. Are we just presuming? If hes shitfaced then he deserves whatever comes but i dont know why everyone thinks he is

Neutrogena · 31/08/2017 19:48

An open beer can lying about with an unsupervised 18 month old? The consequences of that could have been awful!

Like what exactly??

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2017 19:49

I suspect he's an alcoholic. And I suspect you know it deep down. He's done more than s couple of cans of beer. You'd know if something was wrong with him physically as you'd spot he was passing out after one or two tins normally.

He's out of it and the sad fact is he can't be left alone with a small child. Thstd a tragedy waiting to happen. He was so out of it, the dog didn't wake him, he couldn't register you and he wouldn't have roused if his child was hurt or needed him. He was paralytic.

On top of this, no matter how good your dog is, leaving it unattended like this with an infant is not s good idea.

Whatever you do about him, your child's safety has to come first. If you're unable to put your child's safety first your either going to have social services to answer to or a tragedy to deal with. Find someone else to take care of your child when you're away. He's not able to do it for a very very long time.

Ttbb · 31/08/2017 19:50

I would. Maybe take him back if he seeks out proper help but he likely won't do that until you've thrown him out and he has hit rock bottom

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread