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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to kick my OH out?

144 replies

Myshitdontstink · 31/08/2017 17:55

Long story short he is in charge of DS when I travel for work...DS is ft at nursery but he has to drop our DS off and pick up, feed dinner, 7:30 bedtime...generally 1 night per week. Agreed condition is he drinks no alcohol as he doesn't know when to stop. Just got back after 2 nights away & he is asleep on the sofa DS is fine, I know he was awake 30mins before I got home but suspected he had been drinking then...there is an open beer can by his side, no further evidence but he hasn't even woken up and I've been back 1hr...what the fuck do I do? My DS welfare is obviously priority. Do I give him an ultimatum, kick him out? DS is 18 months old Angry

OP posts:
Contactlass · 31/08/2017 21:13

Can you look for receipt for purchase or online banking for alcohol sized purchases and ask what he bought?

CabernetSauvignyoni · 31/08/2017 21:17

Alcoholics are very good at hiding their empties. Thrown over the neighbours wall, inside a welly boot, top of the wardrobe, back of a cupboard, under the bed, empty suitcase, etc. If your gut tells you he's drunk then don't let the absence of empty cans or bottles mislead you. The empty half a can will be the decoy for the "but I only had half a can.."

This. We bought our house from a couple where the man was an alcoholic (DP had him on fb so kept up with their lives for a little while). We're still finding cans a couple of years later - under trees and bushes in the garden, crushed and put inside stacked plant pots, behind the wYer tank in the loft...

CabernetSauvignyoni · 31/08/2017 21:18

*water

Original poster
Myshitdontstink · 31/08/2017 21:30

So, usually he has no access to money, he has no control over spending, no understanding of budgeting.
Because he had DS for a couple of days I left him 20 in cash, for carpark/ice-creams etc. and 30 on a pre-pay credit card.
He has spent all the 20 and 11/30 - there is a 3 quid bunch of flowers on the side (which must be my suprise) and he probably spent 2 quid on parking at the big play-park (I have been kept up to date with their movements) even if he bought himself a coffee or something, tha'ts easily 20 quid hes had available to spend on beer - and hes been to the bargain booze place (can tell by the bag that the cans that are in his car are from), so that's probably 20 cans of beer

OP posts:
Gilead · 31/08/2017 21:31

I've know people hide bottles of vodka or the odd tin in the loo cistern. Behind cleaning products in the kitchen cupboards, behind tins of beans, under the sofa, underwear drawer...

Maelstrop · 31/08/2017 21:33

Mate's DH hid vodka in the wardrobe. Another alcoholic I knew hid vodka bottles behind the bath panel. He hasn't seen you for days and woke up and just went upstairs? Wtf?

Original poster
Myshitdontstink · 31/08/2017 21:45

Sorry - don't mean to drip-feed, but I just realised I hadn't that when I was about 1/2hr from home he rang me and I thought he had been drinking then, he asked me how long I would be because DS was being a handful, and if I was going to be any longer that 30mins he would put DS to bed - it was 4:45 in the afternoon..
Why am I even doubting myself ffs

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 31/08/2017 21:47

Good question? Why haven't you kicked him out yet?

Does he really hand over all his wages to you and then you give him pocket money?

Notreallyarsed · 31/08/2017 21:48

OP you're doubting yourself because addicts are clever and manipulative and have a knack for being able to fry your brain to the point where you do doubt yourself. He sounds like a dead weight you don't need and a risk to your DS. Get angry and stay angry, so he can't honey gub his way back in, your gut instinct is right.

OliviaBenson · 31/08/2017 21:49

This is no life op. You have clearly been trying to get him to moderate his drinking for a long time now but it doesn't work.

My dad is an alcoholic and my mum did the same with money etc. It doesn't work.

Please kick him out.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 31/08/2017 21:50

You have GOT to stop leaving your son with him, it's neglectful and dangerous. If anything happened to him you'd be complicit for failing to protect him.

Titanz · 31/08/2017 21:52

Can OP legally kick him out?

Hasn't he got some sort of tenants rights now?

Just don't want it biting her on the bum later on.

What a prick he is OP. Alcoholism is destructive, it tears families apart and I'm so sorry that you're having to suffer through this.

babyturtles · 31/08/2017 21:55

you've been 'kept upto date on their movements' and generously give him £50?

If the shoe was on the other foot this would stink.

Original poster
Myshitdontstink · 31/08/2017 21:59

RunRabbitRunRabbit
Yep, he hands over all the majority of his wages, some is suppossed to stay in his account to pay off his O/D gradually - and then I give it back to him. In our 10 year relationship I have paid off over 1k of cc debt of his on 2 separate occasions; then when I was pregnant with DS he ran up 3k on an overdraft at 35% APR and I only found out when I opened a letter by mistake (we use the same bank) - I made him arrange a loan at a lower APR to sort it, and then he relinquished all access to money supposedly, and then I found out his O/D is back up to 1500 - and he admitted he doesn't need a bank card, he can just nip into his bank at lunch with his driving license and they let him withdraw money ...
I had to go back to work 8 months after having DS because he couldn't stop drinking/spending money and he also drank every day after we had DS despite me having a mildly horrific C-Section, he never did 1 night feed despite having 4 whole weeks off of work..

OP posts:
Original poster
Myshitdontstink · 31/08/2017 22:01

babyturtles
All I meant was - I know they haven't done anything expensive - I skype a couple of times a day so that DS can see me etc.

OP posts:
mogulfield · 31/08/2017 22:06

He wanted to put your son to bed at 4:45pm? That's neglect, poor little boy Sad

strayduck · 31/08/2017 22:06

What time does he finish work? Would have enough time to get himself in such a state between finishing work and you getting home?

Original poster
Myshitdontstink · 31/08/2017 22:09

strayduck hes had him all day today - as he took holiday from work especially

OP posts:
pilates · 31/08/2017 22:19

This is such a sad post 🙁You know this isn't right. He has a drink problem and needs to get some professional help preferably whilst not living with you. Your DS is not safe in his care. So sorry for you.

strayduck · 31/08/2017 22:28

As others have said, so sorry. You know what needs to be done. Leave it till tomorrow and hopefully he will see sense and get the help he needs.

LittleR1e · 31/08/2017 22:31

It sounds like you already know the answer in your heart and head. Sorry you're going through this OP.

OohIsThatAFlake · 31/08/2017 22:35

If you're looking for empties, try looking for alcohol hidden in other bottles - for example, bottles of water can be refilled with vodka/gin
Also check the freezer. Vodka doesn't freeze.

HiJenny35 · 31/08/2017 22:44

I don't think you are doubting yourself I think you know full well exactly what the situation is however don't want to throw him out so you're looking for excuses or lack of evidence. You aren't going to throw him out, maybe kick off and have him out till morning but that's all and sadly that's not enough to give him a kick up the arse. You know you can't trust him with your child and something has to change. Good luck op, such a sad situation.

Original poster
Myshitdontstink · 31/08/2017 22:45

Thankyou everyone, I think im going to try and get some sleep on the sofa, as I have a meeting (running it from home) at 8am.
I will tackle him after that - he needs to seek help immediately or get out.
I will have to try and sort something for mon/tues night - DS has never stayed with anyone other than my sister who lives 100+ miles away (in the opposite direction to where I am going)
Im just such a wuss, but need to focus on what could have happened to DS

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 31/08/2017 22:54

Op why do you think it's just beer? Those are hard to hide. Is it not more likely he's necking something like vodka as that's easier to hide an empty bottle. He could easily decant it and then put the bottle in the recycling before it was collected. The beer is probably a smoke screen.

Was your child alone with him last night? It doesn't bear thinking about.

I'm not sure why you're doubting yourself either. You know he was drunk, he was probably drinking for a large part of the day or as soon as he could, that's why he wanted to put your child to bed at 5 pm, he was incapable and knew it.

You can't leave him alone with your child. I'm sorry. Part of being a parent is being able to safe guard a child and make those safe guarding decisions. If you're not able to do that and something happens to the child, the repercussions will be awful.

He needs to get help yes, but it's a long road to recovery, but you need to put something in place for your child. Please do not be tempted to leave them alone with him again, no matter what he promises.

It only takes the once.