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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU wanting a maintenance "increase"

131 replies

SukiTheDog · 31/08/2017 09:38

Not sure I'm in the right place but am looking for advice.

My ex husband left me when my son was 4 years old. He said he'd never loved me and I know he'd tried to persuade my family to talk me into a termination before I had ds. So, a good thing we are divorced!

DS is now 16. He has classic and severe autism. High functioning but additional OCD and eating disorder. My ex is tied in to paying child maintenance until ds leaves education. This was done legally, at the time of divorce. Unless he cannot pay for reasons such as no income or illness, he must pay until is through college.

Here's the problem ......

Ex pays £335 a month. For the first 8 years, he paid £250 per month. I have no idea what he earns but assuming he hasn't taken a pay cut (has been with the same company for 20 yrs) it may be in the region of £45k plus bonuses. I have remarried after being in my own for many years with ds. DH is a good man and he works hard so I can look after ds (my day still revolves around ds's needs and we lead a "small life"). I've recently asked exH about a maintenance "rise" which he says he cannot afford. He no longer sees ds (used to, every other weekend; then it was once a month but now, not at all). He has ignored my written/verbal requests for some time. Just never mentions maintenance on the rare occasions we speak.

ExH has rightly moved on. Works hard, has the freedom to travel (DH and Inhave never had a holiday lasting more than 5 days due to "care" issues for ds). Enjoys life with new partner (not the lady he left me for - a different one). This is fine by me. I know that "mum" gets to look after the children and the divorced dad often gets on with life like he has no commitments. But, I do resent that in 12 yrs, he belittles my intelligence and states he hasn't had a pay increase and has paid so little for me (and my DH) to bring up our son. I know it's MY job but, he played a part too!

Am I being unreasonable? What can I do?

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 31/08/2017 09:43

Presumably you've already done the obvious thing, i.e. approached the CMS?

pradathescammer · 31/08/2017 10:00

If you need a holiday you can look into respite care. Presumably your DH and you work out finances between you.

I don't think you are entitled to anymore. You can't live off your ex husband forever.

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 31/08/2017 10:03

I think live off your ex husband is a bit unfair. He's his child as well.

pradathescammer · 31/08/2017 10:04

Unless the child has drastically increased in 'cost' there is no need for more maintenance is there?

grandOlejukeofYork · 31/08/2017 10:05

I don't think you are entitled to anymore. You can't live off your ex husband forever

That is a really cunty thing to say. As well as completely untrue. You should apologise to OP.

IDoDaChaCha · 31/08/2017 10:09

Ignoring any moral argument, contact Child Maintenance Service and ask them to deal with it. They may deem your ex to be liable to pay the full rate for his earnings, whatever that might be. Present them with the evidence that your family based arrangement has broken down due to being unable to agree on an appropriate amount of maintenance. If your ex refuses to pay they can take the payments directly from his salary before he receives it. Going through CMS is the only way to assure the matter will be dealt with. It's nobody else's business to judge how much your child needs financially to do well.

Lonecatwithkitten · 31/08/2017 10:09

I put into the CMS calculator 856 per week (45K divided by 52) and on that basis the minimum should be £101 per week.
Go through the CMS and leave it to them. The money is for your DS that your ExH is legally obliged to pay.

pradathescammer · 31/08/2017 10:10

How is it untrue? OP wants an increase in maintenance for what reason?
No specification at all. Child care? Respite care? Sensory tools? Therapy for DCs eating disorder?
None specified- just because she is unhappy that she and her current DH 'pay more' and she isn't best pleased her ex husband doesn't inform her if he has a pay rise.

I think it's 'cunty' to expect to be given more money for no specific reason.

ilovewelshrarebit123 · 31/08/2017 10:11

I've one child with my ex and he earns around the same amount as your ex.

He pays me £350 monthly so not that much more than you're already getting I'm afraid. This was set by the CMS to.

I feel for you about how he can carry on with his life and do what he likes. I'm still a lone parent and it is tough, but I try to focus on what we've got or I'd be eaten by resentment.

IDoDaChaCha · 31/08/2017 10:11

I don't think you are entitled to anymore. You can't live off your ex husband forever. suggests child maintenance is abused by mothers instead of being used for the care of the child. That's a nasty accusation. And one I'd expect to come from a man, not from a woman. It's the law that fathers financially support their children. Shame on you.

Viviennemary · 31/08/2017 10:15

I think it's fair that he should pay a bit more especially in view of your Ds's special needs. You should take advice to see how much he should be paying. Try the CAB.

Glumglowworm · 31/08/2017 10:18

Fucking hell there's some bitches on here!

OPs child has additional needs and from the sound of it (needing respite care for holidays), those needs have a significant impact on his life and on OP's life. And they won't magically stop when he leaves education.

Cost of living has increased significantly in the last decade, and OP will be concerned about supporting her son into adulthood (unlike his father).

Yanbu to ask for an increase, and go through CMS if necessary

PinkHeart5911 · 31/08/2017 10:33

don't think you are entitled to anymore. You can't live off your ex husband forever 😂😂😂

Do you think OP is living like a queen on the pathetic £335 a month her ex pays to support HIS child?

If she was getting thousands a month and wanted more I might agree with you but come on she isn't "living off " him with what she gets

lunaysol3828 · 31/08/2017 10:37

Place marking as am about to drive, will comment soon

Underthemoonlight · 31/08/2017 10:38

An increase in maintenance could really help to some much needed respite care for op. This fact should be considered with children who require additional needs that the cost a lot more especially if it limits ops opportunity to work or earning potential

MidniteScribbler · 31/08/2017 10:39

I think the term 'maintenance' is what is throwing people off a bit. I always thought of money for the child as 'child support' and 'maintenance' as more of 'spousal maintenance'.

Of course the child's father should be paying at least the minimum that he owes based on statutory limits, and with a child with additional needs, should also be paying over and above for any additional costs such as therapies. He should also be doing his fair share of care of his own child.

Allthebestnamesareused · 31/08/2017 10:44

There are a couple of things to consider.

Is DS likely to go to uni or education post 18 because if the order says whilst in education it would include tertiary education unless restricted to secondary education.

CMS would only be available until end if secondary education/18.

Therefore even if CMS rate would be slightly lower the court order may last for a longer period and therefore be more beneficial long term especially if he is actually paying.

thethoughtfox · 31/08/2017 10:46

This is the mother of a child with needs, I suspect she won't have been free to pursue a career as she has all the responsibility for childcare and support for their high needs child. Morally, he should be paying maintenance to her too.

ExPresidents · 31/08/2017 10:48

How about inflation, rising living costs prada, is that an acceptable reason to want an increase?

Unless the ExH wages have remained static for many many years why shouldn't he have to increase his payments in line with his own increase in wealth? He's not paying it for the OP to live off (would love to see someone explain how to live off £335 per month) it's for his son.

KarateKitten · 31/08/2017 10:49

Prada, he actually should owe her half of all the child's costs and pay for her childminding services 50% of the child's life when he was supposed to be parenting his son. So I think she's owed a lot more than an extra £100 from now.

Not that that is how life works....

PerfectPenquins · 31/08/2017 11:03

When you have a child needing so much care for their health needs I really believe parents should have to pay maintenance for their entire life especially if they don't even make the flaming effort to see their own child ffs how pathetic a human being can you be? Op has shouldered the intense and unrelenting responsibility the whole time she hasn't shirked off and abandoned her vulnerable child has she? Oh and my god if respite was so bloody easy to get there wouldn't be such high burnout for carer parents. Ops entire life has been and will be dictated by her child's needs her work ability her chances to upskil or progress extremely limeted, child care options for children with additional needs are sparse. It's hardly an easy life living off the ex is it? Bloody stupid thing to say.

Willyoujustbequiet · 31/08/2017 13:48

Prada your comments are ridiculous and misogynistic.

The OP will have sacrificed her career, earning potential, pension provision etc..to do the job of two parents.

Her deadbeat ex has lived a life free from his moral responsibility to his disabled child.

Her contribution is priceless. At the very least his financial contribution should reflect the rising cost of living over the years.

Contact the CMS OP and get what you are entitled to. Please ignore the the idiots.

Titanz · 31/08/2017 14:05

Opting out of parenthood doesn't make someone a deadbeat. If the woman gets that choice then so should a man. Financially he's doing what is obligated of him so attacking the man is pretty pointless when all OP is asking is should she be entitled to more. I would class a deadbeat as someone who shrugs all financially responsibility too.

BananaSandwichesEveryDay · 31/08/2017 14:13

I understand you want more maintenance, and assuming your ex can afford it, I don't see why you shouldn't have it. The only thing is, he may not have had a pay rise. My dh worked for a well known company for over 30 years. For the last ten of those, all pay was frozen. No pay rises at all. In the last year, the company announced a small, across the board, pay rise. The week after they made everyone in dh's office redundant. So I can believe that the ex might not have had a pay rise since the last increase in maintenance.

Original poster
SukiTheDog · 31/08/2017 16:05

There is no respite service available in our area.
Inflation happens...that's real life.
I was a nurse for 26 yrs and gave up as it was totally impossible to accommodate the shift patterns. I don't feel badly about that; I did it for all those years, the last 14 as a junior and then senior sister. I was a single mum for 5 years and then met now DH. It is a massive ask, having DH take ds on. Not many men would, ds's own father left apwithin a month of diagnosis, when he was aged 4.

I don't "live off" ExH. That's ludicrous Prada. You clearly have no idea of the commitment one must make to any child but especially to a child with additional needs.

I will contact the CMS. I am not bitter or jealous of Ex's life/lifestyle. I want for nothing except the health of my DS and reassurance that when I'm dead and gone, ds will be cared for. It won't be his dad doing that. It's more likely to be his step dad and step siblings.

OP posts: