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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU wanting a maintenance "increase"

131 replies

SukiTheDog · 31/08/2017 09:38

Not sure I'm in the right place but am looking for advice.

My ex husband left me when my son was 4 years old. He said he'd never loved me and I know he'd tried to persuade my family to talk me into a termination before I had ds. So, a good thing we are divorced!

DS is now 16. He has classic and severe autism. High functioning but additional OCD and eating disorder. My ex is tied in to paying child maintenance until ds leaves education. This was done legally, at the time of divorce. Unless he cannot pay for reasons such as no income or illness, he must pay until is through college.

Here's the problem ......

Ex pays £335 a month. For the first 8 years, he paid £250 per month. I have no idea what he earns but assuming he hasn't taken a pay cut (has been with the same company for 20 yrs) it may be in the region of £45k plus bonuses. I have remarried after being in my own for many years with ds. DH is a good man and he works hard so I can look after ds (my day still revolves around ds's needs and we lead a "small life"). I've recently asked exH about a maintenance "rise" which he says he cannot afford. He no longer sees ds (used to, every other weekend; then it was once a month but now, not at all). He has ignored my written/verbal requests for some time. Just never mentions maintenance on the rare occasions we speak.

ExH has rightly moved on. Works hard, has the freedom to travel (DH and Inhave never had a holiday lasting more than 5 days due to "care" issues for ds). Enjoys life with new partner (not the lady he left me for - a different one). This is fine by me. I know that "mum" gets to look after the children and the divorced dad often gets on with life like he has no commitments. But, I do resent that in 12 yrs, he belittles my intelligence and states he hasn't had a pay increase and has paid so little for me (and my DH) to bring up our son. I know it's MY job but, he played a part too!

Am I being unreasonable? What can I do?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 31/08/2017 19:57

I'd definitely be trying. Your ds must cost far more than a few hundred quid. And I know the cost isn't the point, it's the principle. Vile excuse for a father.

mumoffiv · 31/08/2017 19:58

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BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 31/08/2017 19:58

I think it's 'cunty' to expect to be given more money for no specific reason

I think it's cunty to expect to not increase your child support in line with your salary increase

Olympiathequeen · 31/08/2017 20:02

I've reported the vile mumoffiv for the words 'kill' a baby, when women who have abortions for many reasons are deeply affected and saddened by the need to do so.

thereallochnessmonster · 31/08/2017 20:05

Reported the vile 'mumoffiv' for several posts.

Mumoffiv - if a man has unprotected sex with a woman then he accepts the risk that she may get pregnant, and he will be responsible for that baby. I'm not sure how else to put it. Are you hard of thinking?

zzzzz · 31/08/2017 20:06

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mumoffiv · 31/08/2017 20:07

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mumoffiv · 31/08/2017 20:08

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Pengggwn · 31/08/2017 20:12

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mumoffiv · 31/08/2017 20:14

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Titanz · 31/08/2017 20:15

I love how anyone who doesn't share your opinion is an 'MRA Troll' and told to fuck off.

Pengggwn · 31/08/2017 20:16

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Ifonlylifewasimple · 31/08/2017 20:16

Too many nasty, spiteful posts on here what is wrong with people this eve?

No practical advice OP just sympathies to you for marrying a cock for first time around.

It isn't YOUR job to provide physical, emotional and financial support to your child it is the job of BOTH parents! If your husband CHOOSES to no longer be a part of your child's day to day life that puts additional pressure on you and means you're not able to have the breaks (days off and holidays) that you would rightly get and deserve if he saw his son and played a part in his life. YOU have the same right to quality of life that your ex has and enjoys. If his absence means you have to pay for additional care so you can have a break then yes he should be paying more.

notanotherNC · 31/08/2017 20:17

Oh mumoffiv. You have made me laugh. I doubt anyone is taking you seriously. You sound like Donald Trump on crack.

mumoffiv · 31/08/2017 20:17

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BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 31/08/2017 20:18

This thread has seriously gone off topic

Pengggwn · 31/08/2017 20:18

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mumoffiv · 31/08/2017 20:19

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zzzzz · 31/08/2017 20:22

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AgnesNitt1976 · 31/08/2017 20:22

Parents that work under the table or hide their true income to avoid paying for their children are scum.

Bringing abortion into the argument is absolute nonsense. Takes two to get pregnant and men should not have the right to abort themselves from taking responsibility.

Regardless if a woman decides to have an abortion which is NOT murder or whether she decides to keep the child she has no choice but to deal with the consequences.

Kr1stina · 31/08/2017 20:25

Yeah OP I reckon you are living the life of luxury on £335 a month to support a 16 yo with SN and you as his FT carer Hmm

Because that's 45p an hour. Assuming that you never waste money on things like buying your son food or clothes or providing a roof over his head.

Your poor ex, you are ripping him off . Maybe someone should expain to him how much money he could save by taking his son full time himself and giving up his job to care for him. Then YOU could pay HIM £335 a month and he's be rolling in it.

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 31/08/2017 20:27

I suspect there is a lot of sockpuppeting going on on this thread.

OP, the reality here is that if your agreement was legal then you may not get anywhere wrt going through the CMS, added to which, if your eXH now has additional children for instance then maintenance may well be less than you are currently getting especially given that the CMS take a cut as well.

Are you currently claiming all benefits you are entitled to for your DS? DLA/PIP? Are you entitled to respite care in order that you can go on holiday for instance?

For the cunts posters suggesting that the man should have been able to withdraw his responsibilities on the basis the mother refuse to have an abortion, did you miss the part of the OP where the man stayed around until this child was four years old? At what point do you think that said man should be able to reduce his financial contribution? Indefinitely? Even though the woman could only carry out his wishes to "kill the kid" for the first 22 weeks of pregnancy?

mumoffiv · 31/08/2017 20:27

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SteelyTesticlesOfObjectivity · 31/08/2017 20:29

I don't think you are entitled to anymore. You can't live off your ex husband forever

Super ultra cunty thing to say. The op's husband's lifestyle is based on having a full time nanny/childminder/cleaner for his son

mumoffiv · 31/08/2017 20:29

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