AIBU wanting a maintenance "increase"

[SukiTheDog]

Not sure I'm in the right place but am looking for advice.

My ex husband left me when my son was 4 years old. He said he'd never loved me and I know he'd tried to persuade my family to talk me into a termination before I had ds. So, a good thing we are divorced!

DS is now 16. He has classic and severe autism. High functioning but additional OCD and eating disorder. My ex is tied in to paying child maintenance until ds leaves education. This was done legally, at the time of divorce. Unless he cannot pay for reasons such as no income or illness, he must pay until is through college.

Here's the problem ......

Ex pays £335 a month. For the first 8 years, he paid £250 per month. I have no idea what he earns but assuming he hasn't taken a pay cut (has been with the same company for 20 yrs) it may be in the region of £45k plus bonuses. I have remarried after being in my own for many years with ds. DH is a good man and he works hard so I can look after ds (my day still revolves around ds's needs and we lead a "small life"). I've recently asked exH about a maintenance "rise" which he says he cannot afford. He no longer sees ds (used to, every other weekend; then it was once a month but now, not at all). He has ignored my written/verbal requests for some time. Just never mentions maintenance on the rare occasions we speak.

ExH has rightly moved on. Works hard, has the freedom to travel (DH and Inhave never had a holiday lasting more than 5 days due to "care" issues for ds). Enjoys life with new partner (not the lady he left me for - a different one). This is fine by me. I know that "mum" gets to look after the children and the divorced dad often gets on with life like he has no commitments. But, I do resent that in 12 yrs, he belittles my intelligence and states he hasn't had a pay increase and has paid so little for me (and my DH) to bring up our son. I know it's MY job but, he played a part too!

Am I being unreasonable? What can I do?

Mumoffiv what the fuck.

errrr didn't OP say he left when her son was diagnosed at 4yo? So they were in a relationship up to that stage, FYI. And whoever thinks op is "living off" £340 a month maintenance and child benefit is living on another planet, perhaps one where costs of living are reminded 50 years. Parents should be paying equally towards the food/clothing/care/education of a child, and for a child with SEN this will be way above average. What kind of absurd level of misogyny would suggest that she has brought it on herself being ditched with a child and left to do each and every single thing without the father's help or input?! He pays a paltry 300 odd a month and does fuck all for his child - and OP is taking the piss?! Really??? I hope all the twats on this page criticising the OP never have to deal with being left high and dry. OP, push for more, your ex is pathetic.

I think it's 'cunty' to expect to be given more money for no specific reason

The specific reason you piece of shit, is that he went from having the child 8 days a month... to not at all. Raising her costs by nearly a third.

I've reported your posts. I've also asked for you to be banned as you haven't listened to Mumsnet's warnings regarding your previous posts. Your posts are disablist and misogynistic. If you truly believe those things I feel sorry for you.

I think the best thing to do is ignore and not give it the fuel it wants.

@mnhq why is munificent not banned yet? Also twatttymctwatface panda from up thread?

Mumoffive! That should say... my iPhone is clearly more charitable than I

You can't demand for me to be banned for having a different opinion @steely. I didn't use abusive language or break any rules. Nice try though.

It is so easy to say contact CMS but the attitude is can you prove what he earns, can you prove he gets X Y and Z. How on earth can us single mums do this, we are not entitled to find out what they make, nor do I really care all I have asked is for a little increase, I am on the same maintance now my daughter is 18 as I was when she was 7, she is still in 6th form another year to go, brilliant AS results and am only entitled until she finishes 6th form, she is hoping to go to University but that will be a tight squeeze. I once requested a little extra help when she went to High School, asking him to help with her new uniform etc even just buying a few items even if it was just tights, shoes, whatever I was informed that was my job to find the money with what he pays i should stop going to the pub, and stop smoking erm I stopped smoking when he was arrested for DV, and i realised it was feed my smoking addiction or feed our child, and hadnt been to a pub in forever when he said this ....

OP if your not claiming all the benefits you are entitled too and you need help to do so I'm happy to point you in the right direction. You will be entitled to careers allowence also if you are not working (or working part time).

OP won't be living off just the money he gives her, if she's his full time career and not working she will be claiming (or should be claiming) quite a bit, housing benefit if she's renting, careers allowence, DLA/PIP for her son as well as extra tax credits for having a disabled child (if he fates middle or higher rate care).

As I said before, there's not much you can do about the CSA unless they find he's earning a lot more than he says he is, it's ok for people to say 'he should pay more if his child is disabled' but he can't if he's not earning more, he has to pay his own bills and live too. PIP/DLA is there to provide the extra things her son may need that a NT wouldn't. I don't expect my ex to pay extra because our kids have ASD, he pays what the calculator on the CSA website says he should pay.

prada steely didn't call for you to be banned she called for mumoffiv to be banned....or did you get your sock puppet ting name change confused

I think men should damn well pay what they owe as determined by the CMS scale which is available online. Can you ask to see his P60? It would be better to get him to pay voluntarily because the CMS will take an admin fee from you.

I get zero for my two children from their absent father.

Be grateful for what you do get.

Erm, no.

You having had kids with an even bigger dickhead than she did isn't something for her to be grateful for. She doesn't have to be glad because her XH isn't the absolute worst father in the world.

Sad state of affairs though, when £335 is seen as a decent whack by so many. It's not, of course, but considering how many NRPs pay sod all or small change, an amount that will actually pay for more than a loaf of bread and some sweeties does genuinely stand out. Even though it doesn't even get close to meeting his half of the responsibilities for your child. He probably thinks he's making a handsome contribution.

Some really shocking posts on here tonight, it's shameful. We have an OP who has a DS with SEN and she's having all this abuse thrown at her. Although I do think it's unlikely you'll get more from your exh, OP. But I echo what PPs have said, that you should make sure you have all the benefits that your DS is entitled to. And you too for respite, that's very important.

Actually willo, while I did say Panda I meant Pravda, she just knew it was obvious that twattymctwatface would be me talking about her

Although if she'd care to explain why a man who went from taking care of his children sometimes to no time should not pay extra, I'd be very interested to hear.

Christ, what a shitstorm!

Will ask to have this thread removed. Thank you to those considered replies (and not just the Ines who agree with me) and to those others, the ones who really believe I lead the high life. You have NO idea. I have approx 90 min windows in my day to do stuff. The rest of the time, I'm watching/attending to/feeding/controlling self harm issues etc. I don't want a medal. He's my son. But the man who helped create him needs to step up, For now and for his future.

Holy shit this threads awful I'm so sorry op that misogynistic arseholes have chosen your thread to release bile on.

Is it a court order or through csa?

@SukiTheDog I'm so sorry your post has been completely hijacked by twats. Yes, he should pay more. Ignore the idiots.

Rest bite can be gained through direct payment by the goverment. I do restbite work . Are you claiming all the benefits your entitled to.

Your ex already pays a lot more then most but if you feel the extra money would mean your son isnt losing out on things ask for more and give reasons what its for. Good luck

This thread is so fucking depressing. Aside from mumoffiv who is more likely to be mumoftwobraincells, the old line, "well I get nothing so you should be grateful you get something" has been trotted out with predictably, as it always is on similar threads.
It's the same old shit isn't it? Women must accept the consequences of sex, whatever they may be, while men get an opt in or out option dependent on how it fits in with their lifestyle. Any women raising the bar enough to request the man takes equal responsibility is told she is either money grabbing and living the high life or should be grateful for the few crumbs of support thrown her way because the cuntometer has been set even lower by other men who believe they have the right to ejuaculate freely into women's vaginas without any responsibility.
Men have the right to choose whether or not to have sex. THAT is the point they can choose whether or not they wish to take responsibility, NOT later down the line when that would entail coercive control over a woman's body. It is pathetic enough when these lines are spewed out by men, but when women internalise this mysoginy and repeat it, it's seriously worrying.

OP, you are doing amazingly well coping with the pressures you are under and you should not question whether or not you are being unreasonable. He has ducked out of all but financial responsibility so even if he were to provide more financial assistance to your son he would still be far from taking equal responsibility. Thank goodness at least one parent doesn't view your child as a 'take him or leave him' option or where would he be?

Streetface 👏👏👏

CabinInTheWoods, we DO get Direct Payments but we cannot use it for respite in our council area. The next county along CAN. Ridiculous. So, what that means is that every 6 months I bank transfer the money they send me, back to them. We haven't been able to use the money for 2 years plus as ds cannot leave the house. Even therapy from CAMHS has to happen at home.

So, I too am "trapped".

Thanks Streetface. Beautifully put!

I don't have to but for anyone who is interested....

I was 38 when I had ds. My ExH and I took the view that we should stop using contraception and see what happened. We fully expected for "it" to take ages or for me not to get pregnant at all. But, i got pregnant immediately. It was a joint effort; fully complicit on both parts. It was only four years later, when he left, that my sister told me (and supported by ExH's closest friend) that Ex had approached my sister and asked her to persuade me into a termination as he had basically changed his mind and didn't want children.

There was NO "OP got pregnant unplanned". And, even if it were unplanned, ExH had a choice to have she's or not. Sometimes, when a man loves a lady very much and they have sex the lady has a baby (for all those eejits struggling with basic anatomy and human biology).

Morning trolls and shit stirrers and those who have not two brain cells to rub together.

And "Happy Friday" and thank you, to those reading this thread who understand that life is rarely perfect and "there but for the grace of God..." etc