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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU wanting a maintenance "increase"

131 replies

SukiTheDog · 31/08/2017 09:38

Not sure I'm in the right place but am looking for advice.

My ex husband left me when my son was 4 years old. He said he'd never loved me and I know he'd tried to persuade my family to talk me into a termination before I had ds. So, a good thing we are divorced!

DS is now 16. He has classic and severe autism. High functioning but additional OCD and eating disorder. My ex is tied in to paying child maintenance until ds leaves education. This was done legally, at the time of divorce. Unless he cannot pay for reasons such as no income or illness, he must pay until is through college.

Here's the problem ......

Ex pays £335 a month. For the first 8 years, he paid £250 per month. I have no idea what he earns but assuming he hasn't taken a pay cut (has been with the same company for 20 yrs) it may be in the region of £45k plus bonuses. I have remarried after being in my own for many years with ds. DH is a good man and he works hard so I can look after ds (my day still revolves around ds's needs and we lead a "small life"). I've recently asked exH about a maintenance "rise" which he says he cannot afford. He no longer sees ds (used to, every other weekend; then it was once a month but now, not at all). He has ignored my written/verbal requests for some time. Just never mentions maintenance on the rare occasions we speak.

ExH has rightly moved on. Works hard, has the freedom to travel (DH and Inhave never had a holiday lasting more than 5 days due to "care" issues for ds). Enjoys life with new partner (not the lady he left me for - a different one). This is fine by me. I know that "mum" gets to look after the children and the divorced dad often gets on with life like he has no commitments. But, I do resent that in 12 yrs, he belittles my intelligence and states he hasn't had a pay increase and has paid so little for me (and my DH) to bring up our son. I know it's MY job but, he played a part too!

Am I being unreasonable? What can I do?

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 31/08/2017 16:26

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Willyoujustbequiet · 31/08/2017 18:26

Opting out of parenting your own child, especially one with additional needs, certainly makes you a deadbeat - health reasons aside.

Wtaf Hmm.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 31/08/2017 18:38

Titanz, Prada, did you get lost on your way to MRAsNet? Do piss off to whatever the cesspit you lot live in.

BarbarianMum · 31/08/2017 18:58

Before you contact the CMS have a play with their calculator on line and check you would actually get an increase based on one child and a salary of 45k. I had a play once and was hirrified by how little they require the absent parent to pay. Angry

mumoffiv · 31/08/2017 19:02

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LonelyRadiator · 31/08/2017 19:03

I get zero for my two children from their absent father.

Be grateful for what you do get.

Are you also claiming extra disability benefits for your son's autism as well as the £34 child benefit and £111 Child Tax Credit per week on top of the £350 odd quid in child support?

BarbarianMum · 31/08/2017 19:04

Never seeing the baby is not the same as not supporting the baby financially. The first makes you a sad example of a human being, the second makes you an utter turd.

Pengggwn · 31/08/2017 19:05

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CryptoFascist · 31/08/2017 19:08

"Dads get the choice of never seeing the baby"

I cannot believe someone would state that as though it's a reasonable thought to have.

mumoffiv · 31/08/2017 19:08

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Lelloteddy · 31/08/2017 19:09

The klaxon really HAS gone off in MRAHQ Hmm

OP go through the CMS. He should be supporting his son financially even if he's chosen to opt out of any other part of parenting.

mumoffiv · 31/08/2017 19:09

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Pallisers · 31/08/2017 19:10

this thread is truly depressing.

No, OP, you are not being unreasonable and you don't need to be "grateful" for your son's father partially supporting his child while having no relationship with him.

But unfortunately life isn't fair. Take comfort though. At least you aren't living inside the minds of some of the cunts who replied to you - that would truly be a horrible life.

CryptoFascist · 31/08/2017 19:11

Oh fuck off MRA trolls. Do the rest of humanity a favour and don't have sex ever if you resent the fact that it has consequences, and isn't just fun in your porn-addled twisted misogynist worlds

CryptoFascist · 31/08/2017 19:13

"Mum" of fiv (is that supposed to say five?) , just don't have sex if you can't face responsibility for the outcome

Holidayhooray · 31/08/2017 19:17

**I get zero for my two children from their absent father.

Be grateful for what you do get.**

So zero should be the benchmark?
Sorry for your shorty situation but i don't think the OP needs to be "grateful" for receiving legally entitled to maintenance.

Pengggwn · 31/08/2017 19:19

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mumoffiv · 31/08/2017 19:20

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mumoffiv · 31/08/2017 19:21

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CryptoFascist · 31/08/2017 19:23

"Told to kill the baby?" there's clearly something very wrong with you and I won't be engaging any further as it's not fair on you.

Janeismymiddlename · 31/08/2017 19:24

I don't think you are entitled to anymore. You can't live off your ex husband forever

£335 a month. On what possible planet is that 'living off the ex'? It wouldn't pay rent on a one bed flat in all but the shittest places in the UK.

Do you not consider it appropriate that both parents financially support their children? Or is that just the mother's responsibility?

mumoffiv · 31/08/2017 19:25

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mumoffiv · 31/08/2017 19:26

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Pengggwn · 31/08/2017 19:27

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mumoffiv · 31/08/2017 19:28

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