AIBU wanting a maintenance "increase"

[SukiTheDog]

Not sure I'm in the right place but am looking for advice.

My ex husband left me when my son was 4 years old. He said he'd never loved me and I know he'd tried to persuade my family to talk me into a termination before I had ds. So, a good thing we are divorced!

DS is now 16. He has classic and severe autism. High functioning but additional OCD and eating disorder. My ex is tied in to paying child maintenance until ds leaves education. This was done legally, at the time of divorce. Unless he cannot pay for reasons such as no income or illness, he must pay until is through college.

Here's the problem ......

Ex pays £335 a month. For the first 8 years, he paid £250 per month. I have no idea what he earns but assuming he hasn't taken a pay cut (has been with the same company for 20 yrs) it may be in the region of £45k plus bonuses. I have remarried after being in my own for many years with ds. DH is a good man and he works hard so I can look after ds (my day still revolves around ds's needs and we lead a "small life"). I've recently asked exH about a maintenance "rise" which he says he cannot afford. He no longer sees ds (used to, every other weekend; then it was once a month but now, not at all). He has ignored my written/verbal requests for some time. Just never mentions maintenance on the rare occasions we speak.

ExH has rightly moved on. Works hard, has the freedom to travel (DH and Inhave never had a holiday lasting more than 5 days due to "care" issues for ds). Enjoys life with new partner (not the lady he left me for - a different one). This is fine by me. I know that "mum" gets to look after the children and the divorced dad often gets on with life like he has no commitments. But, I do resent that in 12 yrs, he belittles my intelligence and states he hasn't had a pay increase and has paid so little for me (and my DH) to bring up our son. I know it's MY job but, he played a part too!

Am I being unreasonable? What can I do?

Oh, and MNHQ have said they'd prefer to NOT remove this thread as many posters had given good advice and the minority who've posted their small-brained, blinkered views are basically the same posters who it seems, just can't help themselves. One ought to feel sympathy but fuck it, one doesn't!

I agree with penngwn and MNHQ, leave this up. Not only has it got some great advice but it's a prime example of the struggles single parents face, not only in terms of daily struggles relating to finances and logistics but the absolutely shitty attitudes and judgements they face. Hang in there OP, and have an unmumsnetty hug from me.

I see this thread was derailed last night by the 'impotent and angry brigade'..you gotta feel sorry for these small-dicker losers

OP you should definitely reassess your situation with regards to maintenance and get what your son is entitled to. I have no knowledge of this, but can you contact the CMS as pp's have suggested?

You're doing a fantastic job of raising your son. He'll be the judge of your ex when he is older and learns that his father was trying to weasel his way out of all responsibility.

Not wanting to see his own son???? What a prince amongst men.

What a loathsome man your ex is. I too, have a disabled child, plus a couple of others. My ex has little to do with his kids and does not share any responsibility with me because, as he says, he wants to get on with his new life with his current partner. This is what single parents have to deal with. A man creates a child and walks away. They will justify it by blaming the woman for the relationship breakdown. It doesn't matter what happened in the relationship: In my view, BOTH parents should continue to be responsible for THEIR child. Money is only a small part of parenting and since absent parents can't be bothered to actually be a parent, then they should at least pay what is due.

I feel your pain OP, my ex dh does see his kids once a week but he's pretty useless tbh, he doesn't pay much towards them (£140 a month) and doesn't offer to help out with anything else as he feels he pays enough. To be fair it's not his money that I need, it's his time so I get a break and so the dc's get to spend time with someone other than me. It is tiring doing it alone. I have one dd similar to your son and one that's a bit higher functioning, my youngest starts a new school next week, my ex doesn't even know the name of the school or where it is despite the fact I have spent years trying to get her a place there, he hasn't offered to buy her new uniform and hasn't thought to buy her a little girl for starting high school. He has them for 5 hours on a Sunday and sometimes he will call me to bring them home early as he can't cope with them.
Respite is the same here, it's almost impossible to get

my youngest starts a new school next week, my ex doesn't even know the name of the school or where it is despite the fact I have spent years trying to get her a place there

OMG! He sounds even worse that my ex. but not much! Unbelievable, isn't it?

I once asked my ex what A-Level's his daughter had chosen and he had no idea.

The fact that they have the time to go and earn the money means that they should definitely pay what's due.