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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

16 year olds sleeping together

101 replies

rightroyal · 31/08/2017 08:37

I'm posting here for traffic as there isn't a lot going on in step parenting. Apologies.

I'm a regular but have name changed to protect anonymity. I'm married with no kids of my own and a 16 year old step son. We all get on well - usual family and teenage issues, nothing major.

DSS has a girlfriend (also 16) - they are sleeping together (he's very open about this). I could be very old fashioned here and I guess i'm in the right forum to be told IABU. I'm not after unilateral support, genuine opinions are needed. Although both are over the legal age of consent I have a bit of an issue with them spending the night together. I'm told my DH that its better they do it under the safety of our roof but it doesn't make me feel any better. I just have a problem with it. They are allowed to sleep together at DH's ex's house as much as they like. Occasionally they sleep at DSS GF's house although i'm told (by DSS) her mum isn't keen and prefers her to sleep at either of his homes - this I very much struggle with - I cannot understand this way of thinking at all? Surely as a mum you would want your children under your own roof and if they are doing things you find unsavoury you would stop it happening rather than farm them out elsewhere?

I think they should be allowed to spend as much time as they like together during the day, but say goodnight and spend overnight in their respective homes. When they reach 18 and are adults then they can choose. What do you think?

OP posts:

ZanyMobster · 31/08/2017 08:41

The fact they are already sleeping together (presumably safely) them this really wouldn't bother me. My feelings are that I would like to know where my kids are and that they will be open and honest with me, if you know they already have sex but ban them from sleeping over it seems daft and will encourage them to potentially close up to you.

I'm not sure what people think will happen when they're asleep?! Saying that though I wouldn't want them obviously at it all day/all night. Providing they are discreet it would be ok with me.

ZanyMobster · 31/08/2017 08:42

Just to add, my friends who weren't allowed bfs to stay over were doing it in parks etc - grim.

Penny4UrThoughts · 31/08/2017 08:44

That's a tricky one, because neither you or your dh are wrong (just have different opinions, both of which are valid), but he is not your child - but it is your home.

I think your DH probably has the final say here really, as it's his son. And you'll get lots of people saying 'it's legal, it's fine' - but 16 is still very young so I totally understand your pov.

Original poster

rightroyal · 31/08/2017 08:45

Thanks for your reply.

I assume they are being safe! As step parent I don't feel it's my place to ask - stupid I know but they have two mums and one dad between them. They are definitely doing the deed with with us as i've changed the sheets!

OP posts:

HiJenny35 · 31/08/2017 08:47

They are legal, they are being honest and grown up about it and using protection. Wanting to be together even if they aren't having sex but just sleeping in the same bed is a very important part of a relationship and I think if both parents are happy with that then it's fine. From 15 I slept with my boyfriend at both or families houses overnight. If you say no they will just have sex earlier in the day I'm not sure what you hope to achieve other than them feeling like they are being treated like children rather than young adults.

TheABC · 31/08/2017 08:53

If he is old enough to have sex, he is old enough to change his sheets, OP.

DH does get the final say on this - talk to him if you are worried about their emotional safety/health. But they are over the age of legal consent and frankly, it's better they are at home than in the bushes at the local park.

Pengggwn · 31/08/2017 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 31/08/2017 09:10

They are over the age of consent and both of their parents are fine with it. I think you are being very old fashioned and quite unreasonable. As PP have said they wpuld still be doing it but just in places where they might get into trouble.

ragz134 · 31/08/2017 09:16

I'd let them, but I wouldn't be washing their spunky sheets!

chronicleink · 31/08/2017 09:21

I'd let them,they'll only end up in parks etc. where maybe protection isn't to hand. I can see why you feel uncomfortable, but age of consent, they're together, care for each other, they're safe. There's a lot worse that they could be doing at that age.
Agree with everyone else that a 16 year old should be doing his own laundry!

WhooooAmI24601 · 31/08/2017 09:22

if they are doing things you find unsavoury you would stop it happening

At 16 I don't think it's unsavoury. I think it's just 16 year olds doing what 16 year olds do. And they're not doing it in a bus shelter, down the woods, in a field or at the park. Which is where a lot of my friends were doing it at that age.

Perhaps if you're genuinely uncomfortable with it, you should speak to your DH and say you're not prepared to allow it to happen in your home; it's your house too, so you have an equal say. But I do think YABU and a little prudish.

TheNaze73 · 31/08/2017 09:26

I agree with zany

They are 16 & legal. Why make it illegal by driving them to a park etc, which is what will happen otherwise

OnNaturesCourse · 31/08/2017 09:27

separate bedrooms or someone on the sofa if they want to stay over...

And that's exactly how I was conceived. Teenagers aren't daft, if they want to they will find a way. Be it at the park, house party or simply waiting until the rest of the house is asleep.

I'd be happy that he was being mature enough to be open about it (I assume he has or do you only know because of the sheets?) I was allowed my ex to stay at 16, no problems, but I had a very open relationship with my parents... Something that they extended to him. Their reasoning was if they were informed they could help us be safe. My Mum put me birth control after my first time, and somehow the bathroom cabinet always had condoms available. Their only ask was that we were safe, always inside and discreet (they even allowed a bedroom lock)

I think if it had been frowned on, or forbidden I would have just sodded off elsewhere to get my kicks and more than likely got in trouble through pregnancy or getting caught. It would have also effected my relationship with my parents as I would be keeping secrets and been afraid to ask advice or for help.

PandorasXbox · 31/08/2017 09:34

If you know they're having sex I don't understand why them sleeping in the same bed at night makes you feel uneasy. If they're told they can't sleep in the same room there will be lots of late night creeping around from one room to another I'm certain. Is that any better?

Original poster

rightroyal · 31/08/2017 09:46

I'm uneasy about the whole thing. If I was mum and not step mum I would be telling them I didn't want it under my roof. As it is, it's my home but as a PP said not my son. It's up to DH I guess. As for him changing sheets, i've more chance of knitting fog, he doesn't even make his bed!

OP posts:

OnNaturesCourse · 31/08/2017 09:49

Prehaps you can bring in a ground rule then. Sheets must be changed after a erhm sleep over. Sleep over won't happen again until sheets are changed. Sure DP wouldn't mind that rule and it's some responsibility for DSS. After all you're not his Mum (as you say you've less input on the sleep over thing) so why should you change those sheets?

I was doing my own laundry at 16.

Crumbs1 · 31/08/2017 09:49

We were definitely old fashioned. No sleeping together in our house until over 18 and in a longer term relationship. I think respect for others rules is part of being an adult.

Viviennemary · 31/08/2017 09:55

I think they are too young. No sleeping together in our house and certainly not at that age.

demirose87 · 31/08/2017 09:59

It is legal so you are unable to stop them having sex, however if you are uncomfortable with it under your roof then I think you have the right to say no.

Ttbb · 31/08/2017 10:13

If anything it is better that they start having sex now within the context of a loving and respectful relationship rather than starting at university when people are drunkenly loosing their virginity in O week or having sex with a new person every night. If he were my son I would be happy for his to have sex (safely that is) with his girlfriend wherever he wanted to. But I can understand why people feel differently about heir daughters. The way that people view girls having sexual and boys having sex are two very. Different things. Her mother might recognise that rationally it is a good thing but she may still be uncomfortable with it for that reason to just pretend that it isn't happening by sending her elsewhere to do it. Or the issue may not be the mother at all. Maybe her father doesn't know about it and her mother doesn't want him to find out.

confused123456 · 31/08/2017 10:42

Legally they can do what they want together. As a parent, when my children get to that age, I'd prefer them to to it at home, where I know they are safe, than somewhere else.
They are going to do it anyway, and that can't be changed.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 31/08/2017 11:01

My now husband wasn't allowed to stay in the same bed as me at my parents house until we got married (I was 28), my brother however just brought girls back from pubs from about 16 ( not the point I know).

Long way off this with my own kids but my stance is, I don't want to see it or hear it and clean up after yourself.
With you being the step parent the decision is not yours but your DH needs to insist DSS is respectful of you and your home.

Stop changing the sheets you're not a maid and it's just grim.

ZanyMobster · 31/08/2017 11:20

I really don't understand the mentally of 'not under my roof if they are over age and already having sex. Where would you like them to go? I am.not being snarky, I genuinely want to know, maybe my thinking is wrong and I would be interested in expanding my thoughts on this. It just seems most posters say not in my house but have no reasons why.

Original poster

rightroyal · 31/08/2017 11:23

I suppose what i'm saying is I disagree with it altogether and my allowing it under my roof i'm condoning it.

I am certain if he was my child I would have had a conversation with him that i think it's a bit too young for him to be in a serious relationship. As it is i can't have that conversation. What he would choose to do after that conversation would be up to him.

OP posts:

BeepBeepMOVE · 31/08/2017 11:25

I find it ick. I wouldn't take anyone back to my parents houses even now.

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