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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

16 year olds sleeping together

101 replies

rightroyal · 31/08/2017 08:37

I'm posting here for traffic as there isn't a lot going on in step parenting. Apologies.

I'm a regular but have name changed to protect anonymity. I'm married with no kids of my own and a 16 year old step son. We all get on well - usual family and teenage issues, nothing major.

DSS has a girlfriend (also 16) - they are sleeping together (he's very open about this). I could be very old fashioned here and I guess i'm in the right forum to be told IABU. I'm not after unilateral support, genuine opinions are needed. Although both are over the legal age of consent I have a bit of an issue with them spending the night together. I'm told my DH that its better they do it under the safety of our roof but it doesn't make me feel any better. I just have a problem with it. They are allowed to sleep together at DH's ex's house as much as they like. Occasionally they sleep at DSS GF's house although i'm told (by DSS) her mum isn't keen and prefers her to sleep at either of his homes - this I very much struggle with - I cannot understand this way of thinking at all? Surely as a mum you would want your children under your own roof and if they are doing things you find unsavoury you would stop it happening rather than farm them out elsewhere?

I think they should be allowed to spend as much time as they like together during the day, but say goodnight and spend overnight in their respective homes. When they reach 18 and are adults then they can choose. What do you think?

OP posts:
Sprinklestar · 31/08/2017 14:31

Whose house is it, OP? You keep saying it's yours. As in, yours and your DP and his son moved in? I think there is something in the 'your house, your rules' thing in this case, regardless of the legal standpoint.

Changing his sheets? That is the worst thing about this for me! No, no, no! Are you his maid? Just disgusting.

TheWeeWitch · 31/08/2017 14:47

I have two small boys. These MN threads are causing me to dread the incoming jizz storm that we'll be weathering in a few years time.

SuziePink · 31/08/2017 14:52

As many people have said stop changing his sheets, he's not a child and it's not your problem.

I had a boyfriend I was having sex with at 15/16. Neither of our sets of parents would let us stay over at each other's houses but it made absolutely no difference, we would just wait until we knew we would be alone for a bit.

My dad would never let me have a boyfriend to stay in my room even now (I'm 30). I've been subjected to the "my house, my rules" thing whenever I've lived or been staying at home for as long as I can remember and it's awful.

Basically teaching kids that having sex at random times and/or in random places is fine but not the proper relationship bit of spending the night together and literally sleeping together is unhealthy in my opinion.

museumum · 31/08/2017 14:59

This is interesting. I wonder how you set limits, I wouldn't want my ds practically living with a girlfriend at that age. I think it's too much too young. So do you say once a week? Weekends only? What about school holidays? When do you get time as a family?
Arfgghh

60percentbanana · 31/08/2017 15:05

Museumum in our case dds boyfriend being here has been self limiting. They both want to go to uni so are working on a levels in the week. Her bf has a job on Saturday evenings. It tends to just be Friday nights spent either here in our house or at his. She went to a grammar school out of our area and he lives in that area so they can't just see each other for an hour here or there.

They also holiday together - he spent three weeks in the US with us over Christmas and she spent almost three weeks this summer and last with his family on holiday too.

79andnotout · 31/08/2017 15:17

I pretty much moved in to my boyfriends mums house age 16. She has ME and lived in the basement, we had the upstairs to ourselves. We both did well at school, went to uni, broke up aged 19, and have had successful lives. I'm quite glad we didn't have to have sex in cars and bushes like some of our friends!

ZanyMobster · 31/08/2017 21:07

In that case yes you are extremely old fashioned, they are 16, in a relationship so it is fairly normal for them to have sex, this is just baffling TBH. You haven't actually given any reasons as to why it bothers you.

As I said, we were allowed. It was never every night, we were respectful of our parents as they were respectful of us, we never abused that and never just brought one night stands home etc, there were never any 'rules' set as from 16 onwards we behaved as young adults and were treated as such so there was never a need for that. When we were asleep that was the least of their worries anyway. My brother and I are both in long lasting marriages now and have a brilliant relationship with our parents, we always have and still do talk to them about anything.

Sex is just sex, maybe I am fairly liberal about it (I don't really think I am) but I would much rather them be at home having safe sex with a steady girlfriend than hanging round the park drinking diamond white and shagging randoms.

ZanyMobster · 31/08/2017 21:10

And don't change his sheets if you don't want to, my mum did and never complained although I did strip my bed on laundry day as that's just a normal thing to do IMO. My brother never did and has never lived down my mum finding strawberry and chocolate body paint all on his sheets one day. Now that is grim, although his punishment (he was about 19/20 to be fair) was her telling everyone. I am no way as liberal as her and never will be . . .

Fudgit · 31/08/2017 21:19

I think your attitude is really old fashioned and just not very nice actually. Why is it unsavoury? Don't change the sheets for them but other than that it's absolutely none of your business really (as long as they're being safe etc). My parents were like this and I found it really shaming. They're 16 years old and in a relationship, it's up to them as far as I'm concerned. This whole 'not under my roof' thing is uncalled for unless there are serious concerns.

Fudgit · 31/08/2017 21:22

Incoming jizz storm Grin

Mumof56 · 31/08/2017 21:25

Stop chanoting the spunky sheets. The might damped thier sex life when the girlfriend sees he has no problem wallowing in crusty spunky filth 😂

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 31/08/2017 21:32

YABU.

  1. They are 16. They are legal.
  2. Why can you have sex with your DH and not your DSS with his GF? Why is it any different?
  3. By banning them from having sex will only drive them to do it outside of the home and risk being caught.

I was 17 when my BF started to stay over. My DM always suspected we were DTD but she always said that she would rather we did it in a safe environment and even though she struggled with the fact that I was growing up and making my own decisions, she said she had to bite her tongue and get on with it. What good could come from an argument or from being restrictive about something that is in effect nature?

hellejuice91 · 31/08/2017 21:47

This is a difficult one. First of all I don't think I would like it in my house. But I remember myself as a teenager. I wasn't allowed boys back so we did it in cars, fields, woods etc etc which was illegal and dangerous. They are going to do it anyway and when my time comes to have teenagers my personal feeling will need to move aside and I will let them share a room

happypoobum · 31/08/2017 21:58

I suppose what i'm saying is I disagree with it altogether and my allowing it under my roof i'm condoning it.

What do you mean by this OP? Disagreeing with it "altogether" and by allowing it to happen under your roof you are condoning it? It sounds like you object to them having sex at all, not just at your home...

Do you mean you don't think the age of consent should be 16, you think it should be lower? If so, why? Did you lose your virginity quite late? Or very early?

Do you mean you don't agree with sex before marriage?

I can't really understand what your problem is.

Voice0fReason · 31/08/2017 23:29

Do you find it unsavoury when you have sex?
Why would it be unsavoury when your DSS has sex?
You're applying a strange double standard here.
And for heaven's sake, get him to strip his own bed when he wants his own bedding washed - there's no reason for you to be doing that.

twattymctwatterson · 31/08/2017 23:40

OP they are having perfectly legal sex within the confines of a relationship. You can disagree with them having sex all you like, it's really none of your business. There's nothing for you to condone.
As PPs have said, if you stop them having sex in your house they won't stop actually having sex. They'll just start doing it in public parks, up alleyways etc. OR, more likely, the DSS will stop staying over at his dad's house

User02 · 01/09/2017 01:21

I never allowed my older DCs to have their DPs to stay overnight in my home. It was a home owned solely by me and I worked all hours to provide this home for my DCs. Did not receive any Maintenance from Ex for the DCs. Everything provided was paid for by me.
Once DCs were old enough to take on some household tasks they would do nothing. When they got jobs either after school or later full time they contributed nothing to the household either helping with the household tasks or making a financial contribution.
They never actually discussed if it would be OK for the DPs to stay over they just tried to sit me out like having the DPs sitting in the house till 3 and 4 a.m.
The real reason I was so against any partners staying over was that I was already financing 2 adults and it was likely about to be assumed that I would provide for another 2 unrelated adults who were not my choice in the house that I was working hard to provide for all my own DCs. My view is that if they wanted to act the adult and have sex they can act the adult, get jobs and provide themselves with houses in which to have sex.
Needless to say my DCs are hard working and earning fair to good money, meanwhile the DPs are living off my DCs. My DCs are adults and will not listen to me so they can learn the hard way that it is hard enough to provide for your own DCs. Keeping adults who drink smoke and eat more than young DCs pushes the budget to bursting point.
I was never allowed my BF/DH to stay before marriage and even after marriage we did not stay over with my parents. We stayed over with the PILs one night after marriage and I was so uncomfortable that they would hear us talking. We certainly would not have had sex in either parents' houses. It is not what I would want to do.

Fudgit · 01/09/2017 01:51

@User02 So the fact that your adult children, wrongly, didn't contribute to the household is somehow relevant to their being allowed a sex life? Nothing to do with any prudishness on your part at all? 🤔

User02 · 01/09/2017 02:20

No I knew they were having sex. I just did not want to provide a home to their partners which is what it was all heading to. The whole lot of them would have moved in. I do not have enough bedrooms for them to have a room each, for the other children to have rooms (different sexes) and a room for myself in my own house if I am allowed. They have always taken advantage. They are still taking advantage. Why should I still be providing for adults who earn more than me.
You are talkng about MY home and you seem to think I should allow it to become a free for all. Perhaps you would expect me and my younger children to move out to accommodate the sexual needs of adults. How strange that you think sex comes before housing for underage children
They are adults and can provide for themselves (and partners) if they wish. However I must live in MY house with my children until they are all adults and left home.
I find that attitude so strange.

Fudgit · 01/09/2017 03:12

No, sorry. This is clearly about your discomfort with them having the temerity to have sex 'under your roof', and not very much at all to do with them also being selfish gits. If you don't want partners moving in, you just say so surely Confused.

Original poster
rightroyal · 01/09/2017 08:52

Yes they are legal but only just.

It's mine and DH's house, we pay the bills and so what we do is up to us. DSS is still very much a "kept" child. He doesn't work or drive (I know he's 16 !!) and is entirely dependent on us (and his mum) for everything. He chooses between one day wanting to be a child and wanting to be an adult.

I have no problem with sex before marriage or young people having a serious relationship but they are VERY young.

I suppose my issue is they are too young to be having sex in the room next to me! If he acted more adult in everyday actions, such as making his bed or helping with dinner I would be more tolerant. Perhaps it's more that issue than anything. It wasn't until I started to write this down that i've realised that. Thanks all!

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 01/09/2017 09:01

I was having safe sex with my bf at that age. It's completely normal experience. We were together for 3 years. I don't think it needs to be such an issue unless you going to make it as long as they are safe and respectful I don't see the issue op. It's legal for them to do so and part of being in a loving relationship.

LittleBearPad · 01/09/2017 09:04

Ok, OP, so set some new ground rules. If he wants to be grown-up and sleep with his girlfriend in your house he also has to wash his own sheets, cook meals from time to time, keep his room tidy, general helpful household chores and organise his own transport rather than rely on you all the time.

LittleBearPad · 01/09/2017 09:05

And stop changing his sheets!!

That might resolve matters sooner than anything else.

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 01/09/2017 09:11

Doesn't matter that he is 'just legal' the fact is, he IS legally allowed to have sex.

You are using a n excuse of your house, you pay the bills to dictate to someone how they conduct themselves in their own bedroom. It isn't about it being your house and you pay the bills, it's everything to do with the fact you see sex as being 'wrong', 'unsavoury' and are simply uncomfortable about a 16 year old boy transitioning from child to adult.

You make claims that he cannot 'choose' to be a child one minute and an adult the next; yes he can!!! That's what the teenage years are all about. You don't suddenly become an adult overnight. I suggest you read up and educate yourself about the teenage years.

I suggest that if you are 'grossed out' by your DSS having sex and in a relationship, you close your mind off to it but insist to him that he is responsible for the laundry if his bedding (and clothes for that matter - I was at 16). Tell him that being sexually active is an adult choice and with that comes adult responsibilities.