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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

16 year olds sleeping together

101 replies

rightroyal · 31/08/2017 08:37

I'm posting here for traffic as there isn't a lot going on in step parenting. Apologies.

I'm a regular but have name changed to protect anonymity. I'm married with no kids of my own and a 16 year old step son. We all get on well - usual family and teenage issues, nothing major.

DSS has a girlfriend (also 16) - they are sleeping together (he's very open about this). I could be very old fashioned here and I guess i'm in the right forum to be told IABU. I'm not after unilateral support, genuine opinions are needed. Although both are over the legal age of consent I have a bit of an issue with them spending the night together. I'm told my DH that its better they do it under the safety of our roof but it doesn't make me feel any better. I just have a problem with it. They are allowed to sleep together at DH's ex's house as much as they like. Occasionally they sleep at DSS GF's house although i'm told (by DSS) her mum isn't keen and prefers her to sleep at either of his homes - this I very much struggle with - I cannot understand this way of thinking at all? Surely as a mum you would want your children under your own roof and if they are doing things you find unsavoury you would stop it happening rather than farm them out elsewhere?

I think they should be allowed to spend as much time as they like together during the day, but say goodnight and spend overnight in their respective homes. When they reach 18 and are adults then they can choose. What do you think?

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 31/08/2017 11:35

"Not on a school night and you are in charge of changing the bedding and washing the sheets" would be my only rules in this situation. Personally I'd not welcome such a development but recognise that its ultimately not my decision to make (kids having heard my views on teenage sex whilst growing up).

WiganPierre · 31/08/2017 11:37

I agree with you OP. I certainly wouldn't allow it under my roof. If he wants to do that he needs to get a place of his own. To the people saying he is mature to be open about sleeping together it's the opposite, he is making a mess of the sheets and expecting others to change them and clean up after him. He is behaving very immaturely. What if there is a baby will that be staying with you for you to look after OP? He'll probably want you to change its nappy after you change his sheets!

60percentbanana · 31/08/2017 11:38

Our daughters boyfriend stays over and has done from just before they were both 17. We sorted contraception out with her, I took her to a Brooke clinic and she chose the implant, that way she is registered with them should she ever need support in future and not feel able to come to me. She knows they are a safe place.

We also had a conversation with both of them asking for consideration, no swinging from lampshades etc. They've been respectful.

I would rather this than having sex elsewhere, or thinking that sex was something to be kept hidden and ashamed of which might put them off seeking our help should they have issues in future.

60percentbanana · 31/08/2017 11:39

Oh and I haven't changed her bedsheets since she was about 12. She is capable of managing that herself Hmm

BoredOnMatLeave · 31/08/2017 11:41

I kind of think its better if they sleep together? Because if they don't they will just be doing it in the day then leaving which seems less intimate? That probably sounds stupid but I can't think of another way to say it. It just seems a bit one night standy to send one home iyswim? (nothing wrong with one night stand but preferably not at 16!)

He MUST wash his own sheets though! eww...

Ellisandra · 31/08/2017 11:47

Don't make the mistake of telling him that 16 is too young for a serious relationship.
Having sex doesn't have to be within a serious relationship.
Most (?) people had sex for the first time in a relationship that was serious for now.
I thought my boyfriend at 16 might be mine for life. Only until 23 as it happens.

The only thing wrong in your post - in my opinion - is you washing his sheets. No no no.

I'd just say "boy, as you have an overnight guest your sheets are needing to be washed more frequently, so you need to take that on - Tue and Fri please - you can make up the load with bathroom towels please".

ikeadyounot · 31/08/2017 11:52

I think it's normal and natural at 16, and unlikely to cause any long-term damage provided they are sensible. I can't understand why you or your DH haven't checked that they are using birth control/practicing safe sex. You sound like you have some issues around sex being dirty (unsavoury), embarrassing, and taboo of your own.

PinguDance · 31/08/2017 11:54

Bit gross but if the sheets are a mess either she's on the pill (sorted it herself or her Mum is more on board than she seems?), they're doing more head/masturbation than sex or they're not using protection? The first one/last one would be a problem (if there's a chance of STIs).

I say this as someone who got a shock aged 21 when I first went on the pill and stopped using condoms - until then I had literally not understood why sex was supposed to be messy. Sex with condoms doesn't make a mess (at least it never did for me - was I doing it wrong?!).

I don't really understand the 'not under my roof' attitude either. It's just sex - unless they're very immature it's fine.

Zaphodsotherhead · 31/08/2017 12:06

I'd like to know how all these people saying 'oh, I wouldn't allow them to sleep together' would go about stopping it?

Surely they'll have sex even if you 'expressely forbid' it?

Since when did 16 year olds take any notice of their parents' 'forbidding' anything? They just wait until you aren't looking!

You might not like it under your roof, but if you know they are going to have sex anyway, why wouldn't you want them to be safe, warm and dry whilst having it?

Zaphodsotherhead · 31/08/2017 12:07

And I apologise for the spelling mistake and the sheer volume of punctuation in that post!

WiganPierre · 31/08/2017 12:17

Since when did 16 year olds take any notice of their parents' 'forbidding' anything? They just wait until you aren't looking!

I think you have a very low opinion of all 16 year olds if you think they can't follow a few simple house rules. They do have self control you know. I listened to my parents at that age and so did my siblings, and my husband to his parents, etc. etc. I never had my boyfriend stay over once because I respected my parents. You are making out that all 16 year olds are the same, which is just not the case.

Tilapia · 31/08/2017 12:27

I lost my virginity at 16 to my boyfriend who was a year older. I was a very sensible teenager - worked hard at school, did well in my A levels, didn't smoke or take drugs - so I struggle a bit to understand why some people think it is too young. We were together for nearly 3 years in the end.

susurration · 31/08/2017 12:27

I can't see why you can't at least ask him if he is being safe. If he is being open with you then you surely can talk to him in return, step parent or not.

susurration · 31/08/2017 12:30

Especially if you are changing the sheets. That implies a certain type of parental responsibility/intimacy on your part. If you don't feel you can talk to him about it, then maybe you should stop changing his icky sex sheets too.

PollyFlint · 31/08/2017 12:30

I agree with your DH that it is far better that they are having sex and spending the night together in each other's bedrooms as a couple than the alternative. If you say they can only see each other during the day, they'll have sex during the day instead and then leave each other afterwards - which I personally think is a much less healthy, less committed way to conduct a relationship and doesn't really send a positive message about respect for one's partner.

As for the 'serious relationship' thing - to them, it's serious, even if you think it's a fleeting crush, and there's nothing you can do about the way they feel. They may stay together for years (I know a few married couples who got together at that age) or they may split up in a year's time, but if they do, does that really matter? That's life: sometimes relationships endure and sometimes they end, whether you're a teenager or whether you're 50. But most people don't abstain from sex with someone they love on that basis.

I don't think many parents are exactly delighted to discover that their teenager is shagging someone, but I do think it's one of those things you just to accept will happen. If you want to stop them spending the night together, you can - but just be aware that it absolutely won't stop them having sex and it won't split them up.

Ultimately, as it's your husband's son and not yours, I also think your husband has the final say over this if you can't agree. Your husband definitely does need to have a conversation with his son about contraception, though.

LittleBearPad · 31/08/2017 12:38

I'd definitely stop changing the sheets and I'd be asking DH to enquire into the type of contraception being used - seems unlikely to be condoms.

MammaTJ · 31/08/2017 12:43

As for him changing sheets, i've more chance of knitting fog, he doesn't even make his bed!

Well, there you go!! That is your answer, you don't like it yet facilitate it by changing the bed. Stop doing that. No self respecting young lady would sleep or anything else in crusty bed sheets!

PinguDance · 31/08/2017 13:16

@littlebearpad ha, that's the point I was trying to make but in a really roundabout way - defo think the contraception issue ought to be brought up

Catra · 31/08/2017 13:26

Thinking back to when I was 16 I had a serious boyfriend and although we spent plenty of time together at each other's houses during the day, neither of us were allowed by our parents to spend the night until we were over 18. I never tried to challenge this - it was their house and their rules.

It didn't stop us having sex, however – it just meant we ended up doing it in random fields which was bloody inconvenient!

I did have a long term boyfriend

Catra · 31/08/2017 13:27

Sorry, ignore that last line, posted by mistake!

KimmySchmidt1 · 31/08/2017 13:33

Why don't you want it "under your roof"?

I would be more interested in substance (is she a good influence on him, is he definitely NOT going to get her pregnant) than the physical practicalities of where they have sex.

AngeloMysterioso · 31/08/2017 13:43

I'm struggling to understand why anyone would find the idea of two people who are above the age of consent and in a relationship having sex as "unsavoury". Unless you're the no-sex-before-marriage type.

JayoftheRed · 31/08/2017 13:57

I agree with the PP who said sleeping in the same bed is an important part of the relationship. Regardless of sex, I hated having to go home after spending a day/evening with my boyfriend when I was that age.

It was the perfect way to finish an evening together, to snuggle up together, perhaps watch a film in bed or something. We didn't get to do it very often at that age, because my parents and his didn't allow us to stay over. That was ok, it was their house, their rules, but when it did happen, it was really special. And most of the time we didn't even have sex, but even now, my favourite part of the day is cuddling up with my husband, I'd hate for him to have to go somewhere else once it's time to go to bed, so as long as it's legal and they're being careful, what's the difference, really, when you get down to it?

pigsDOfly · 31/08/2017 14:14

Bit puzzled at the posters saying they're too young. They're above the legal age limit and able to get married.

If they want to have sex they will.Sex doesn't only happen after dark.

Sounds like they're in a relationship, albeit one that will probably not last forever, but that doesn't matter and one of the adults in their lives should be having the contraception talk just to make sure there is no unwanted pregnancy.

I certainly wouldn't be allowing a 16 year old to bring home one night stands but can't see any problem when it's a relationship.

Oh, and yes he should be stripping his own bed and putting the sheets in the washing machine.

Lovingmybear2 · 31/08/2017 14:20

ours were allowed to have boyfriends/girlfriends back on conditions.

All were 16 or over. Contraception was discussed and had to be used.

No sheet washing they changed their own.

Some of my friends were shocked at our liberal attitude and it was quite difficult not to inform them that we were perfectly aware their kids were screwing anything they could without contraception and at parties and in the park. Not that was grim.