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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

16 year olds sleeping together

101 replies

rightroyal · 31/08/2017 08:37

I'm posting here for traffic as there isn't a lot going on in step parenting. Apologies.

I'm a regular but have name changed to protect anonymity. I'm married with no kids of my own and a 16 year old step son. We all get on well - usual family and teenage issues, nothing major.

DSS has a girlfriend (also 16) - they are sleeping together (he's very open about this). I could be very old fashioned here and I guess i'm in the right forum to be told IABU. I'm not after unilateral support, genuine opinions are needed. Although both are over the legal age of consent I have a bit of an issue with them spending the night together. I'm told my DH that its better they do it under the safety of our roof but it doesn't make me feel any better. I just have a problem with it. They are allowed to sleep together at DH's ex's house as much as they like. Occasionally they sleep at DSS GF's house although i'm told (by DSS) her mum isn't keen and prefers her to sleep at either of his homes - this I very much struggle with - I cannot understand this way of thinking at all? Surely as a mum you would want your children under your own roof and if they are doing things you find unsavoury you would stop it happening rather than farm them out elsewhere?

I think they should be allowed to spend as much time as they like together during the day, but say goodnight and spend overnight in their respective homes. When they reach 18 and are adults then they can choose. What do you think?

OP posts:

User02 · 01/09/2017 09:46

Fudgit - just how much do you think you know about my life to insist that I am prudish? There is nothing prudish about me. I did have sex before marriage. I just dont want a bunch of freeloaders abusing my situation of being a lone woman to turn my home and the home of my younger children into a place where they think they rule. I would not bring someone to their houses and have sex. It is called respect and it should go both ways.
Think before you so firmly declare knowledge of other people's views and what should happen in their homes. You dont know me or any of my children so I dont see you having any right to assume how I feel about this or any other matter

Original poster

rightroyal · 01/09/2017 10:15

@bangingmyhead - I can choose what I do and what I want to happen under my own roof! Just because he's having a difficult time transitioning from child to adult doesn't mean he can do what he wants in my house?? I do not need educating about teenage years! If I told you what I do as a job you'd realise that!

OP posts:

sunshinesupermum · 01/09/2017 10:22

Stop making DSS bed for starters - if he's old enough to have sex he's old enough to make and change his bed.

MummytoCSJH · 01/09/2017 10:38

Why does it make you uncomfortable? Why is it unsavoury? It's legal. Sex is healthy, it's not a bad thing especially between those in a relationship (which you might not feel is serious but I promise to them it is). It's honestly none of your business. They will do it regardless - they will just be less safe and may cause issues between you and your stepson. Although you should get him to change his own sheets..

Fudgit · 01/09/2017 10:43

@rightroyal Is it not also his house, i.e. his home?

Leaving dirty dishes, playing loud music, getting drunk etc - all impact on other members of the household and/or are illegal or harmful.

Speaking abusively? Doing no schoolwork? By all means treat these as matters for house rules/ discipline but how on earth is his sex life any of your business?? Would you also make a rule against masturbation since I'm sure that happens under your roof? And before you say that's facetious, plenty of ultra religious parents shame their children about this too. And that's what it's really about imo - shame and your own hang-ups. This is about you making a value judgment ('unsavoury') which it isn't your place to make. Sex has its risks but we all take that into account if and when we choose to be sexually active at any age. If they're using contraception then for goodness sake leave him alone (and tell him to change his own sheets).

Fudgit · 01/09/2017 10:50

@User02 Is the problem that you feel bullied/ dominated/ outnumbered in your home then? If so that's very wrong but still nothing to do with the sex and sleepovers issue more generally.

squadronleader87 · 01/09/2017 11:06

I think the openness of the DSS is something to be welcomed. How many 16yo boys feel comfortable talking about their sex lives?

I'm curious as to why the OP said they felt 'uneasy' about the whole thing. Is sex something to be ashamed of?

happypoobum · 01/09/2017 15:25

I suppose my issue is they are too young to be having sex in the room next to me!

I don't understand this. They are not too young, this has been established and you have to accept that they ARE OLD ENOUGH.

If they were thirty, would they be allowed to have sex in the room next to you? If you were in a hotel and there was a sixteen year old couple having sex in the room next to you, would you find that unsavoury?

You seem to have a lot of hang ups about sex and intimacy. Would you object if they were simply sharing a bed but not having sex?

As PP have said, it's perfectly fine to tell DSS he has to strip, wash and remake his own bed now he is 16.

Slarti · 01/09/2017 15:31

YABU

They are 16 and can legally consent. My overriding concern would be that they were safe, free from pressure, happy, etc. You don't have any more right to control who he has sex with than you would if he were 18 or if he were a total stranger. Not your body, not your choice.

Voice0fReason · 01/09/2017 23:06

@User02 you don't seem to think very much of your children. How have they grown into a bunch of inconsiderate freeloaders?

User02 · 02/09/2017 08:00

Voiceofreason - my children were not brought up to conduct themselves the way they are. They seem to have some way of attracting or being attracted to the most unsuitable types such as drug takers and extreme drinkers. I dont know why. I have tried talking but have been called a snooty b!tch. They also give out information to these partners about family assets and seem to think I am willing to fund all. I am not as silly as they seem to think and refuse to hand over money or goods which in turn attracts more criticism of me. They are adults they make choices. I am an adult and I choose not to be taken in by the company they keep. I am tired I could do without the added stresses they bring to my life. I could use some support but none is coming my way.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 02/09/2017 08:07

I think they are too young. No sleeping together in our house and certainly not at that age

I agree and I don't know anyone in my wide circle of friends who would let them either.

traffordtimes · 02/09/2017 08:10

OP I sympathise, and I think I'd feel the same, but I can't find a rational argument as to why. I think I'd be uncomfortable having the DSSs gf showering, hanging about at breakfast etc, when you didn't invite her. For those saying it doesnt affect you, it surely does (unless she sneaks in and out, which woukd be more unsettling!).
Does he have loads of friends over to your house too?

Slarti · 02/09/2017 11:21

but I can't find a rational argument as to why

Do you think at that point it's worth considering that you might be in the wrong?

dangermouseisace · 02/09/2017 11:31

I think it sounds like you're having a problem recognising that your step son is growing up.

Maybe it would be fair to put boundaries around sleep overs though. I'm assuming they are both in education/training so therefore would be more sensible for them to spend the weekdays sleeping at their respective homes, and have more freedom at weekends.

traffordtimes · 02/09/2017 13:38

Do you think at that point it's worth considering that you might be in the wrong?

Well I think we were all considering that actually, its a discussion.. Also, when its about how the OP feels about what happens in her house, she can't actually be 'wrong' for feeling that way, surely, she (and I) are entitled to feel like that.
Quite different if the OP or I were saying we had yelled at teenagers and told them they were never to sleep together, that would be unreasonable, but saying 'I feel uneasy' is not wrong, no.

Slarti · 03/09/2017 16:26

she can't actually be 'wrong' for feeling that way, surely, she (and I) are entitled to feel like that.

Being entitled to feel something isn't the same as being right about it though is it? I was merely suggesting that if we can't identify a rational reason for feeling a certain way then perhaps the feelings are unwarranted, but we seldom do consider that possibility and instead "stick to our guns". I think it's especially important to ask those questions of ourselves when those feelings are informing our views and behaviour (in this case whether or not to allow somebody else to do something).

traffordtimes · 03/09/2017 17:33

, but we seldom do consider that possibility and instead "stick to our guns". I think it's especially important to ask those questions of ourselves when those feelings are informing our views and behaviour
...and thats what this thread is, surely, a reasonable person sorting through feelings which she is not sure about? I agree the failure to think about the reasons behind what we feel can be a problem, but I don't agree that mentioning them in a discussion is 'wrong' or 'unwarranted'.

Tapandgo · 03/09/2017 17:37

*I think they are too young. No sleeping together in our house and certainly not at that age

I agree and I don't know anyone in my wide circle of friends who would let them either.*

I agree.
In your home you decide what happens. The law would not be the deciding factor as to what I'd allow at my home.I wouldn't let my 16 year old smoke at home either.

There are huge issues of emotional maturity and issues of encouraging what you don't want to encourage at that age. Your home, your standards - you decide.

SheSaidHeSaid · 03/09/2017 17:37

I'm bias as I met my DH when I was 16, and we stayed over at eachothers parents' houses, but I think it's far better to be in a relationship and alao being open with family about it than if they weren't and they didn't feel they could talk to anyone about it.

Tapandgo · 03/09/2017 17:38

I think they are too young. No sleeping together in our house and certainly not at that age. I agree and I don't know anyone in my wide circle of friends who would let them either.

I agree.
In your home you decide what happens. The law would not be the deciding factor as to what I'd allow at my home.I wouldn't let my 16 year old smoke at home either.

There are huge issues of emotional maturity and issues of encouraging what you don't want to encourage at that age. Your home, your standards - you decide.

Tapandgo · 03/09/2017 17:39

Oops

notanotherNC · 03/09/2017 17:40

I think you need to myob. His actual parents are ok with it. So it really has nothing to do with you.

specialsubject · 03/09/2017 17:47

One word. Travelodge.

Slarti · 04/09/2017 07:42

I don't agree that mentioning them in a discussion is 'wrong' or 'unwarranted'.

I feel like you're twisting what I said here, because I definitely didn't say mentioning your feelings was wrong or unwarranted, but that feelings themselves can be. Eg. "I just feel homosexuality is a sin so I don't think gays should have rights." (Just giving that as a (hopefully) unambiguous example to demonstrate my point.) So while everyone is entitled to feel something it is problematic to convey legitimacy to it just because a person feels it.

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