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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsis hen weekend again aibu to be so upset?

112 replies

olaflikeswarmhugs · 30/08/2017 11:03

I've posted about this before I didn't think I was going to be able to go due to timing and price. The price did come down which was fine but she wouldn't budge on timing apart from bringing it forward one week which was still going to be difficult for me (student nurse on final placement)

So months ago I had started a group chat with the other two bridesmaids to discuss things like themes and surprises for dsis (not my thing but she would love it) but no one has posted on it in ages. Yesterday I had some time so I will looking things up and posted them in the group which started a discussion. So they were both saying exactly what dsis wants for every day and night of the hen themes activities etc and I wondered how they knew this. Turns out dsis had them down to her house for drinks and they had discussed the whole thing. I knew nothing about it. I asked loads of questions about the hen and they knew all the answers and I didn't know a thing.

Just after this all happened my mum called me about something unrelated and I was upset on the phone she asked what was up so I told her briefly what had happened.

Later on she called me again saying she had spoken to dsis and she apparently has no idea what I'm talking about they haven't planned anything and the fact I said I said I only wanted to go so I could go to the water park (I said this as a joke on the group chat and the bridesmaid showed dsis) dsis is distraught at this. And then I got a massive telling off for not helping with the wedding. I didn't know there was anything to be helped with no one tells me anything evidently.

I was so upset last night and I'm still dwelling on it today. And I know I'm being selfish but I just really don't want to miss my sister's hen. But I really am beginning to think she doesn't want me to go I feel like everything is against me I thought that was just unlucky timing but now after the revelation that the whole thing has been planned without me I really did start to think she doesn't want me to go.Sad

OP posts:
MissionItsPossible · 30/08/2017 11:16

What your mother is saying and what the friends are saying is contradictory. Did they specifically tell you or did you specifically ask them they met up with your sister and discussed all of this? And if so, when your mother rang you back and said your sister doesn't know anything about what you were referring to, did you tell them that they told you directly?

Hillarious · 30/08/2017 11:19

This illustrates how sarcasm doesn't translate well in texts and group chats. What's your relationship like with your sister? Can you talk to her direct? That would probably be best.

Maelstrop · 30/08/2017 11:33

Talk to your sister.

Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 30/08/2017 11:35

I don't know mission I was in my friends house when she called me and when she found that out she hung up on me. They specifically told me... that night we were at hers for drinks we discussed this and this and they could rhyme off everything she wants. And when I asked about other things they said no she definitely doesn't want to do that. That's when I asked about the water park and they said she definitely doesn't want to do that either. I said oh well that was the only reason I wanted to go and then put laughing emojis.

To be fair my mum did say to dsis that was probably a joke the I told mum the reason I made that joke was because by this point I was close to tears and it was either make a joke or type... well you seem to have it sorted I'm obviously not wanted so I won't be coming. Mature I know Hmm

OP posts:
HotelEuphoria · 30/08/2017 11:36

Yeh, same here. Errr talk to your sister. She's your sister, why would you talk to everyone else but her.

Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 30/08/2017 11:40

We were discussing it without her because I wanted to organise surprises for her for the weekend. And I only told my mum because she called when I was upset and asked what was wrong.

And tbh I don't like discussing it with her because I feel like a burden and awkward because there's 13 in the big group chat of all hen attendees and every one is all yeah that's fine that's fine that's fine... whereas I'm
what date is that
what date do we return
what time is the flight
how long are we going for
how much is it costing

I feel like she's sick of my awkwardness

OP posts:
GwenStaceyRocks · 30/08/2017 11:54

tbh it doesn't take three of you to organise a hen night. Focus on your placement. Make sure the other bridesmaids have your contact details and know you're happy to help. Then step back and calm down.
The bridesmaids and your DSIS could both be telling the truth ie they had a chat about options/likes/dislikes but didn't formally book/organise anything.

Emmeline123 · 30/08/2017 11:58

I don't really see the issue. Surely she often hangs around with those friends without you? Is it a big deal if they were hanging around and they happened to start throwing ideas around in conversation?

Emmeline123 · 30/08/2017 12:00

Also, "I didn't know there was anything to help with, nobody tells me anything evidently" sounds pretty self-pitying. It's a wedding, of course there are things to help with. If you didn't offer, that's your fault, not everyone else's.

RhubardGin · 30/08/2017 12:13

To be fair you do sound like you're being incredibly awkward.

Just phone your DSis and check with the plan is.

I don't really see any issue other than the one you're making Confused

Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 30/08/2017 12:15

Gwen it's not a hen night it a a 5 day holiday to Tenerife.

Emmeline that did sous pretty self pitying. In actual fact I've asked loads about her plans and I always get a vague non-answer so I've just stopped asking... figuring that if she wanted to tell me she would just tell me. There's only so many times you can ask the same question before taking the hint that the person doesn't want to tell you.

OP posts:
Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 30/08/2017 12:15

I'm not being intentionally awkward though it's not me that makes the uni timetable

OP posts:
R2G · 30/08/2017 12:17

Talk to your sister directly, let her know you're happy to help. Also, concentrate on your placement that's more important. You've offered.

MaisyPops · 30/08/2017 12:19

tbh it doesn't take three of you to organise a hen night
It doesn't sound like a hen night. It sounds like it's potentially one of these 'everyone take time off work and spend it on me' long weekends.

To be fair you do sound like you're being incredibly awkward
I dont't think so. The OP is a student nurse on placement who wanta to know information such as:

'what date is that
what date do we return
what time is the flight
how long are we going for
how much is it costing'

I feel for the OP there's a massive group chat of nodding yes people (who are all probably thinking the same thing but doj't want to say it in the group chat) and people are acting like bitches and divas to her because her life doesn't revolve around a hen party.

I really don't get what's wrong with an afternoon somewhere and night out. Last hen party I was invited to I declined because it was going to be £400 plus travel (more like £500) and then we had to pay for food and drinks on top. I sometimes feel these big showy things are all about image and not about spending time with friends.

Nuttynoo · 30/08/2017 12:22

Call her and find out why she seems to be excluding you from the bridesmaids chats, quoting everything her friends told you. It could be the bm trying to push you out to get a bigger role herself, or it could be that your sister feels forced to include you in the wedding party by your mum.

StickThatInYourPipe · 30/08/2017 12:34

OP no advise here! All I will say if the 'friends' sound like they have said something a bit bitchy to your dsis and also have built up what their conversation with her to more than it was.

I always find with hen parties the 'best mates' are always just trying to prove they know the bride better than anyone else.

Good luck though! Just try to get through it for dsis (I suggest lots of Gin)

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/08/2017 12:39

I think, in slight contrast to some, that it's a bit off that your sister ISN'T being fairer to you over your university placement.

If you were my sister, and we got on, I'd be making sure everything fit around what you could manage, not rolling metaphorical eyes about you being "awkward" - that's not how people should behave!

So I think you do need to have a frank chat with your sister about the importance of your dates, and how you have no control over them - and that you feel very sad that she is not taking this into account in the planning of her hen party, but seems to be put out that you're causing "awkwardness".

Of course, if you don't particularly get on, then that might be why things are going the way they are.

Lovewineandchocs · 30/08/2017 12:44

Your mum hung up on you because she found out you were in your friend's house?!
A really frank chat with your DSIS is in order, I think-no more going through other people, that's where it gets complicated. Good luck with everything Gin

AvoidingCallenetics · 30/08/2017 12:49

I think your placement is way more important than a 5 day piss up with your sister's bitchy friends.
If this was me, I would tell her that I love her dearly but am unable to commit to a 5 day holiday at this point and would fly out for a couple of days when I could msnage it. And if you can't manage it, thrn don't feel bad about not going - it's a hen party not the actual wedding.
But don't risk your placement for this.

DancesWithOtters · 30/08/2017 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KimmySchmidt1 · 30/08/2017 12:58

TBH it sounds like you have not made any effort with her to come forward and offer to help. brides dont necessarily issue orders to everyone - you have to volunteer. So make more of an effort if you want to be included, instead of waiting to be asked.

Venusflytwat · 30/08/2017 13:02

Is all the drama really necessary though? It's your sister's wedding, potentially and hopefully her only one.

Just be the bigger person ffs.

"Hi sis. Sorry for the misunderstandings. I didn't realise where plans were at. Just want to make sure you have a fab time but if it's in hand, that's cool. Really looking forward to hanging out and celebrating with you. Love me x"

And then just leave it. Honestly life is too short for this.

Redpony1 · 30/08/2017 13:02

what date is that
what date do we return
what time is the flight
how long are we going for
how much is it costing

I've got horses that need organising and competitions to attend, these would be totally normal questions for me to ask!! You are not being awkward at all.

kali110 · 30/08/2017 13:09

Ring her and ask why she's excluding you.
Tell her you know she's had other people over sorting the plans out but not telling you anything, but shes now denying it as the others have told you.
i don't blame you for not wanting to go.
Why is your mom blaming you?

Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 30/08/2017 13:10

Maybe I haven't made that much of an effort but I don't really know how to go about it. She hates talking about anything when you ask her stuff I never get a straight answer so should I just text her and say I can do xyz for you? I've already organised one thing for her but she persistently asked me if it was definitely booked to the point where I had to give her the guys number so she could speak to him herself. Also I would do things like do all her stationery for her but she doesn't want home made ones she's paying someone to do hers. I don't really know what else I can do for her? If you were a bride what would you expect from your maid of honour? I'm trying to think of things she did for me and I can't really think of anything Blush I'm sure she must have though.

OP posts: