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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsis hen weekend again aibu to be so upset?

112 replies

olaflikeswarmhugs · 30/08/2017 11:03

I've posted about this before I didn't think I was going to be able to go due to timing and price. The price did come down which was fine but she wouldn't budge on timing apart from bringing it forward one week which was still going to be difficult for me (student nurse on final placement)

So months ago I had started a group chat with the other two bridesmaids to discuss things like themes and surprises for dsis (not my thing but she would love it) but no one has posted on it in ages. Yesterday I had some time so I will looking things up and posted them in the group which started a discussion. So they were both saying exactly what dsis wants for every day and night of the hen themes activities etc and I wondered how they knew this. Turns out dsis had them down to her house for drinks and they had discussed the whole thing. I knew nothing about it. I asked loads of questions about the hen and they knew all the answers and I didn't know a thing.

Just after this all happened my mum called me about something unrelated and I was upset on the phone she asked what was up so I told her briefly what had happened.

Later on she called me again saying she had spoken to dsis and she apparently has no idea what I'm talking about they haven't planned anything and the fact I said I said I only wanted to go so I could go to the water park (I said this as a joke on the group chat and the bridesmaid showed dsis) dsis is distraught at this. And then I got a massive telling off for not helping with the wedding. I didn't know there was anything to be helped with no one tells me anything evidently.

I was so upset last night and I'm still dwelling on it today. And I know I'm being selfish but I just really don't want to miss my sister's hen. But I really am beginning to think she doesn't want me to go I feel like everything is against me I thought that was just unlucky timing but now after the revelation that the whole thing has been planned without me I really did start to think she doesn't want me to go.Sad

OP posts:
propertingz · 30/08/2017 13:17

OP you are going to a hen party that's expensive, hard work and a lot of stress.

Now the other hens/your dsis are gossiping and making you feel bad.

If I were you, I simply wouldn't go. If you can't cope with the fall out, pretend you've got D and V x
(Although I'd tell them straight that you feel unwelcome)

EC22 · 30/08/2017 13:25

The other hens were stirring showing your sis that message! Why would they do that.

You need to talk to your sister and sort out this nonsense.

Jux · 30/08/2017 13:30

Well, I'm conused. You start your thread giving the impression that you can't actualy go on the hen thing anyway, so I didn't understand why you were expecting to be included in planning it. OK, it's your sister, but how can you make plans for a load of other people when yo're not actually going to be there?

As for the group chat, it takes a few minutes to type a reminder or simple question "anyone had any ideas about the hen yet?" You don't have to hang about waiting for a reply, after all.

It sounds like you're really busy and have a lot on your mind, and maybe people were just being kind thinking not to bother you atm.

Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 30/08/2017 13:32

No I am going I'm having to take time off placement to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 30/08/2017 13:34

She did move it one week forward so I only have to take one day off. But it's the first day 😭😭 if she moved it another week forward I wouldn't have to take any time off because that would fall in my two weeks annual leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 30/08/2017 13:37

And that's one of the reasons I'm asking for flight times etc we fly in home on the Monday night then I have to start placement at 7am the next morning.

OP posts:
livefornaps · 30/08/2017 13:40

I think that you're winding yourself up over this and becoming a little obsessive and fixated, to the point where everything is going to upset you.

Just calm down and detach. In the state you're in, you must be exhausted.

Is anything even booked yet?

I think you're really overegging the "maid of honour" thing because everyone now goes mental over weddings. Ask your sister does she need any help and then just leave it! Both you and your mum seem like you're just looking for things to get upset about. Just detach.

Emmeline123 · 30/08/2017 13:41

Hmm... So she made you her maid of honour and moved her hen party for you but you still think she doesn't want you there and complain that she won't have it during one of your two weeks of annual leave?

Tbh you sound like you're looking for as many reasons as possible to complain. I am not convinced that when you sent the message about the water park being the only reason you wanted to go you made sure that this did not come across as passive aggressive and/or that this was not the last moan of a series, such that the others may well have been correct to interpret it badly, laughing emoji or no...

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 30/08/2017 13:42

I wouldn't be going, your placement is much more important. If I was having a hen party like this (I would rather stick pins in my own eyes!) I would completely understand why you couldn't come. I had was bullied into a meal out for my hen night and neither of my bridesmaids came and it didn't bother me at all.

Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 30/08/2017 13:47

But the thing is emmeline she asked us all what dates we could all do... everyone else said any dates are fine... I said well these are my annual leave weeks... the she planned it for a week I couldn't do. After saying that would be impossible she said ok I'll move it the week forward but the dates still overlap with my placement. The fact of the matter is I would love heaven and earth to get my sister to my hen and quite frankly I wouldn't have one without her. When i said those dates were still awkward for me.. She said well if you can't come you can't come.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/08/2017 13:56

Ah you know what, if she's being like that, I'd definitely think twice about going!

ImDoingLaundry · 30/08/2017 14:04

Emmeline** it's a bit more difficult being a student nurse. To qualify you need to have done 2300 hours on placement over 3 years, you can't just take time off whenever you like. All the hours a student nurse misses on placement have to be made up, and sometimes the placement/university can't accommodate. They're especially reluctant to allow time off for a holiday/event other than for funerals.

Op, if it's possible can you just fly back a day earlier than the rest of the group?

Remove yourself from the pettiness. If she doesn't want you to do stuff, don't worry about it. Just go and show your support, if you don't want to go, then don't.

Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 30/08/2017 14:07

And missing the first day of your management placement is a big deal ! I looked into that Laundry I'm still considering it.

OP posts:
PowerPantsRule · 30/08/2017 14:10

Your placement is far more important than your sister's hen party. Far more.

Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 30/08/2017 14:17

I know exactly why I am getting so tied up in knots about this I just had a moment of clarity.

Everyone is saying placement is more important than going to the hen. Which I agree.

But no one is saying to dsis that having her only sibling and maid of honour there is more important than when the hen takes place.

That's so selfish isn't it😔 I think I'll just go and come home a day early. If it ends up more expensive I'll just not drink while I'm there and save on spending money.

OP posts:
MTverystressed · 30/08/2017 14:19

Fly back a day earlier op.

chronicleink · 30/08/2017 14:34

sounds like a bit of Lost in Translation stuff going on - go and talk to your sister NOW before any more of this she said/he said stuff...

RaspberryOverload · 30/08/2017 14:37

I agree it may be worth talking to your sister directly, but if it all falls on deaf ears, then yes, fly back a day early.

This is your future career, so the placement IS more important than the hen. And the way life is, a career can often outlast a marriage.

livefornaps · 30/08/2017 14:44

OP it sounds like you are just throwing yourself a pity party with all this "no one is telling my sister..." Blah blah blah.

This is harsh, but. Snap out of it!!! You're sinking into a quagmire.

You're going on a trip to Spain, and flying back a day early so you can start your management placement in time. So great!

Tell yourself you're going to bloody well enjoy it! Otherwise what is the point?

Maybe your sister really doesn't expect much of you as maid of honour. Maybe to her this is just a formality: you are her sister and so the logical choice for maid of honour. Maybe she picked you because otherwise she would have had to choose between her friends and it would have been too difficult.

So take the world off your shoulders and concentrate on your studies. Because to be quite Frank, your posts have a whinging tone to them that, if I were planning my wedding, would irritate the hell out of me.

Enjoy the sun, have a couple of sangrias and just flipping well enjoy life, it's short.

Gizmo79 · 30/08/2017 14:50

Why don't you just speak to the person organising the student off duty to ensure that you can get the time off. We do it all the time for students on my ward. As long as you then don't complain about the rest of the off duty then what's the issue?

Speaking as a ward manager here.

Gizmo79 · 30/08/2017 14:52

Oh and yes we even allow final placement students to move shifts around.

diddl · 30/08/2017 14:53

So you were the only one limited to when you could go & she initially arranged it for when you couldn't go?

Now she has rearranged for when it still isn't really convenient?

And you're grateful why?

Come back early or don't go.

Solved!

Decaffstilltastesweird · 30/08/2017 14:54

It's just a hen do. And not even your hen do. In the nicest possible way, I think you need to calm down a lot. Your placement is so much more important. Don't take the day off, if it's going to negatively impact your degree.

Maybe your dsis doesn't think she has to make sure you're included, because she knows it's just a hen do. Her hen do. Not yours. Not that I think you're making it 'all about you', just that I think you're possibly making too big a deal of not being able to go. I'm sure you are well meaning though.

KERALA1 · 30/08/2017 14:59

Sorry but seems to me you're seen as awkward whether fairly or not so the group is proceeding without you.

Don't go and then strop around like my SIL's sister did with a face like smacked bum. I went didn't know anyone but SIL friends were really nice and welcoming and we had a great time but her sister was obviously angry about something and made sure we all knew it!

Can be a tricky dynamic with siblings and brides friends.

ZoeWashburne · 30/08/2017 15:06

Its a crap situation, but you do sound like a Negative Nancy approaching all of this. It seems like you feel that everything in this situation has been done to you, rather than you are a participant in the drama.

Go for the length of time you can afford, and come back early for your placement. You are making this so much more complicated than it needs to be.

Also, you need to remember, its not like you are missing her wedding. Its a hen do. I know plenty of people that didn't have hen dos and are just as married. I understand wanting to be there for your sister, but it sounds like you are making yourself miserable.

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