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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsis hen weekend again aibu to be so upset?

112 replies

olaflikeswarmhugs · 30/08/2017 11:03

I've posted about this before I didn't think I was going to be able to go due to timing and price. The price did come down which was fine but she wouldn't budge on timing apart from bringing it forward one week which was still going to be difficult for me (student nurse on final placement)

So months ago I had started a group chat with the other two bridesmaids to discuss things like themes and surprises for dsis (not my thing but she would love it) but no one has posted on it in ages. Yesterday I had some time so I will looking things up and posted them in the group which started a discussion. So they were both saying exactly what dsis wants for every day and night of the hen themes activities etc and I wondered how they knew this. Turns out dsis had them down to her house for drinks and they had discussed the whole thing. I knew nothing about it. I asked loads of questions about the hen and they knew all the answers and I didn't know a thing.

Just after this all happened my mum called me about something unrelated and I was upset on the phone she asked what was up so I told her briefly what had happened.

Later on she called me again saying she had spoken to dsis and she apparently has no idea what I'm talking about they haven't planned anything and the fact I said I said I only wanted to go so I could go to the water park (I said this as a joke on the group chat and the bridesmaid showed dsis) dsis is distraught at this. And then I got a massive telling off for not helping with the wedding. I didn't know there was anything to be helped with no one tells me anything evidently.

I was so upset last night and I'm still dwelling on it today. And I know I'm being selfish but I just really don't want to miss my sister's hen. But I really am beginning to think she doesn't want me to go I feel like everything is against me I thought that was just unlucky timing but now after the revelation that the whole thing has been planned without me I really did start to think she doesn't want me to go.Sad

OP posts:
ImDoingLaundry · 30/08/2017 16:48

Gizmo, not every placement is on a ward with the ability to do LDs or nights. Could be 9-5 clinics/community etc.

I was on a ward for one placement, but they point blank refused to let students do LDs (weirdly they did let us do 12 hour nights). We raised the issue with them several times and we were told that "students don't have to ability to work long days". It was ridiculous, I was commuting 2 hours each way, for an 8 hour shift, 5/6 days a week. And by the time I finished placement (albeit with 1 sick day) I was down on my hours by a lot purely because they wouldn't do LDs.

It's nice your ward is flexible and understanding with students, but it's rare placements are so accommodating.

Maryz · 30/08/2017 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Emmeline123 · 30/08/2017 16:57

@Mittens1969 I certainly don't think all hens should just suck it up and do what they are told. If a bride has a hen abroad she has to expect that some, maybe most, hens won't go. OP would certainly be justified in not going with 3 children and a student nurse wage. That doesn't mean that she is justified in spending all the time whinging to her sister, to her mother and to her sister's friends.

OP, I don't see why you have to have no involvement in the hen planning. If you think that will look petty, I don't see why you would do it. Just navigate the situation with as much grace as you can muster. Focus on her and not on your own significance to the planning.

Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 30/08/2017 17:04

Emmeline I don't know where you got that I've been whinging to my mum my dsis and her mates. My mum maybe but not dsis and definitely not her mates 🙈

OP posts:
MadMags · 30/08/2017 17:05

Sorry, I posted then ran.

What I meant was; you had a big drama about it months ago. Now you're having a drama about one day, instead of just flying home early. Then there's a drama about the other hens having more information than you. Now there's a drama with your mum.

99% of it is just unnecessary. And it is rather "me, me, me" to be dragging it on for months rather that it just being "I can make it to X and Y but not Z".

OP, it sounds like you want your sister to put more emphasis on you being there than the hens as a whole, which is not going to happen! Just go to the parts you can go to, or don't go at all. Simple.

Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 30/08/2017 17:41

Mags i kind of do. Not that I want more emphasis but I at least wanted her to care when I couldn't go. Her priorities were where and when she was going and not who was going. Iyswim?

But at the time I just thought she didn't care that I couldn't go but after having the conversation that I had with the bms I then had it in my head she actively didn't want me to go and was planning it around me not being able to go.

And the fact that she said to my mum that she thinks I don't want to go is so frustrating considering I've been the one desperately trying to be able to go ! And agonising over the fact I might not be .

OP posts:
Gizmo79 · 30/08/2017 18:24

Imdoinglaundry- true, I apologise. I've always been lucky myself when I was a student, and ever since. So I like to pay it forward as it were to students now. How bizarre about students not being able to do LD's though!

However, trying not to derail!! I personally think that if it is affecting you financially OP then don't go, it's a lot of money for anyone let alone a student nurse. Hen do's can be a lot of fun, but not exactly worth this stress.

Mittens1969 · 30/08/2017 18:35

I think you agonising over it is coming across as you being melodramatic, OP. You're making more of this than it merits; just go there for the length of time you can spare, your DSis knows your situation.

@Emmeline123, I wasn't specifically talking about you, I just find that in these discussions posters do say harsh things to the OP that they wouldn't appreciate being said to them. And when it comes to hen nights/holidays and weddings, feelings do run high.

It certainly wasn't like this in my day lol, you just went out for a lovely evening. (I'm showing my age!!

ImDoingLaundry · 30/08/2017 18:44

No need to apologise Gizmo, sorry if my reply came across stand-offish! I'd love to be on your ward hah!

Olaf, it seems you're getting so worked up about your sister potentially not wanting you there but you haven't actually spoken about it. Instead of offering to do one particular thing (stationary, as you mentioned), ask if there's anything she does want you to do.

Also, she may not be giving you duties because you're a student and she knows how important it is you concentrate on that. From what I gather, you see it that sisters come first and that your sister should change things to suit you, but you can't seem to accept that she may simply not be as bothered if you can't make it.

Either way, you don't know until you actually speak to her directly about it.

Same advice from me really, book the flight to leave earlier than the group, make an effort to attend, and stop fussing that you're not as involved as you like. Perhaps she thinks she's doing it for your benefit.

Sayyouwill · 30/08/2017 18:58

Christ almighty.... THIS ISNT ABOUT YOU.

It's her hen party. Perhaps there is a reason she has picked the dates she has. Perhaps another bridesmaid text her privately and said she couldn't do that date, perhaps your sister couldn't do that date.
Your placement is important yes, so how come you never thought about flying back a day early until reading this thread?

You're looking for the bad in the situation. You've assumed they had a private 'wedding meeting' without our when probably they just started chatting about the wedding and hen party. You wanted to do stationary but she doesn't want homemade stuff and you've thrown a huff. You made a weird joke on a group chat that has been taken the wrong way....

I think you need to grow up tbph

KERALA1 · 31/08/2017 16:13

Have you been on many group holidays op or organised any? There comes a time where a line in the sand has to be drawn and someone will have to rejig things to fit in with majority - there is no such thing as the perfect date for everyone. If this isn't done it doesn't happen. People have to go with the majority it's not personal.

SEsofty · 31/08/2017 16:28

Do you regularly socialise with her friends, eg are they your friends as well. Because for a five day hen do it is generally more like a group of friends going on holiday together, rather than a group celebrating the hen who may not know each other but who have a connection through the hen.

If it's the former then they all are probably not that bothered about whether you can go. Given the cost, the timing and the fact your sister said its ok if you can't make it then surely most sensible thing is not to go. You can take your sister out for dinner or a spa day or something instead.

You are making this a drama when it doesn't need to be. If your sister wants you to do something, then she will ask you. But she probably realises that you are super busy . Bridesmaids don't have to do stuff, other than be with the bride on the day you know

Craigie · 31/08/2017 17:47

Pick up a phone and SPEAK TO YOUR SISTER.

MammaTJ · 31/08/2017 18:04

You are a third year student nurse, on final placement. I would certainly fly back early. Otherwise, were you planning on phoning in sick?

specialsubject · 31/08/2017 18:04

sounds like bridezilla to me, getting very objectionable about her most important frilly frock party and the associated week long shrieky piss up.

OP can't go because of real life. Sister dear has booked it when OP still can't go. And is then throwing a strop because sister won't drop important real life for a week long shrieky piss up.

don't go. Let them have their piss up. Have a straight talk with sister about what she wants done, if toys continue to fly out of the pram tell her that you are leaving her to organise it.

Maireadplastic · 31/08/2017 18:16

I couldn't go to my sister's hen. Similar style do. Couldn't really afford it and couldn't really sort out childcare either. I really sympathise. I just bowed out gracefully, let them get on with it and have just let it go (as much as I can, I sometimes feel frustrated inside).

I'm better off now but still think these events can leave people out for many reasons. They are over kill.

nocampinghere · 31/08/2017 18:37

sorry read all your posts OP but not the whole thread.
you're her sister, not her best mate. Do you really want to go to a 5 day holiday with her and her mates? If it were me I wouldn't want to go. If i was having that sort of thing i'd only want my good mates to come along... I'd do something else with my sister. Could that be an option? Organise a lovely afternoon somewhere for the two of you (and your mum?).

nocampinghere · 31/08/2017 18:38

i don't see that the sister is really throwing a strop about the OP not being able to rearrange her placement. She's just arranged the hen when it suits her best. She will want it not too close and not too far away from the wedding date, the timing does actually matter.

MadMags · 31/08/2017 18:46

I haven't seen that the sister threw a strop.

If anything, OP is upset because sister isn't fussed!

Cubtrouble · 31/08/2017 19:29

Dear OP,

I had exactly this about my own sisters hen "party" it seems now everyone has this huge massive very expensive and frankly ridiculous event- I am not a student but I do resent paying well over the odds for a fairly crappy time.

My own sister ended up dragging a load of people out for the day- half of them stayed in a hotel and we went to another high end hotel for afternoon tea £55 per head for a scone, I was driving (thankfully) so that was my total bill, the drinkers ended up paying £105 per head including the champagne!!

My sistee had organised loads of stuff I knew nothing about with her mates and I just went along with it, I mentioned some stuff to my mum also who told me not to say anything, along the lines of "it's your sisters hen/wedding etc and yes it utterly ridiculous but she wants it so suck it up.

I'm sorry you are having trouble but either make it work and "suck it up" or politely decline and do a sister day with her instead later before the wedding- spa day or some other bride friendly activity. That way you won't miss your placement, will keep cash in your wallet and keep bridezilla happy.

rookiemere · 31/08/2017 19:41

OP - 5 days or 4 days in Tenerife is going to cost a fortune. Presumably your Dsis and her friends can afford it as they have jobs and no DCs. If you go and try not to drink or join in e.g. pay for activities, it will be worse than you not going at all and is likely to create lasting bad feeling on both sides.

You had lots of good advice on the last thread and you seem to have heeded none of it. Therefore I'm unsure why you're posting at all.

KERALA1 · 31/08/2017 20:07

Yes you seem determined to continue being hard done by assisted by the "how dare a group of women go and have fun abroad and spend money in my day we sat under a bench in the park and shared one portion of chips " brigade.

I don't see that the sister is bring bridezilla or throwing strops. If anyone is it's op.

Peppapogstillonaloop · 31/08/2017 20:42

Honestly your sister sounds horrid and selfish and her mates pretty bitchy. And to be brutal it sounds like she isn't that bothered if you are there or not and has probably whinged to her mates about you. Do you actually want to go? Do you know/like her friends? you sound like you have a lot on and are being made out to be difficult unfairly, I think in your shoes I'd be tempted to skip The whole thing it sounds hideous!

Sayyouwill · 31/08/2017 20:59

@KERALA1 😂

Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 31/08/2017 21:18

I know the advice was great on the last thread but then dsis said she had moved it a week forward and that was as far forward as she would move it
hair sort of went oh ok then that's fine for me.

No mamma if I was staying until the Monday i was planning on starting my placement a day later and making the time up. But I have to take time off for the wedding too so I wanted to avoid that as I would end up with a lot of time to make up.

OP posts: