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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsis hen weekend again aibu to be so upset?

112 replies

olaflikeswarmhugs · 30/08/2017 11:03

I've posted about this before I didn't think I was going to be able to go due to timing and price. The price did come down which was fine but she wouldn't budge on timing apart from bringing it forward one week which was still going to be difficult for me (student nurse on final placement)

So months ago I had started a group chat with the other two bridesmaids to discuss things like themes and surprises for dsis (not my thing but she would love it) but no one has posted on it in ages. Yesterday I had some time so I will looking things up and posted them in the group which started a discussion. So they were both saying exactly what dsis wants for every day and night of the hen themes activities etc and I wondered how they knew this. Turns out dsis had them down to her house for drinks and they had discussed the whole thing. I knew nothing about it. I asked loads of questions about the hen and they knew all the answers and I didn't know a thing.

Just after this all happened my mum called me about something unrelated and I was upset on the phone she asked what was up so I told her briefly what had happened.

Later on she called me again saying she had spoken to dsis and she apparently has no idea what I'm talking about they haven't planned anything and the fact I said I said I only wanted to go so I could go to the water park (I said this as a joke on the group chat and the bridesmaid showed dsis) dsis is distraught at this. And then I got a massive telling off for not helping with the wedding. I didn't know there was anything to be helped with no one tells me anything evidently.

I was so upset last night and I'm still dwelling on it today. And I know I'm being selfish but I just really don't want to miss my sister's hen. But I really am beginning to think she doesn't want me to go I feel like everything is against me I thought that was just unlucky timing but now after the revelation that the whole thing has been planned without me I really did start to think she doesn't want me to go.Sad

OP posts:
Funnyonion17 · 30/08/2017 15:07

To me it sounds like you created drama for your sister and now you want to wallow and be the victim.

Ya sister isn't going to beckon you at her service, you should ask if she needs you for anything. Also I think the waterpark joke was a bit silly, said in person it could have been funny but by text it can be taken any way really and retold with malicious intent.

I'd stop chatting with the bridesmaids, chat to your sister directly and you will probably find it all goes smoothly. If your sister is reasonable, she will probably want to just know you care. The bridesmaids are doing you no favours tbh, it sounds like they thrive on the drama hmm.

Emmeline123 · 30/08/2017 15:11

I agree with the previous posts about whinging! Obviously I have limited information to go on, but I get the impression from your posts that you are whinging to the bride, her mother and her friends (and the whinging to mother and friends has got back to the bride). You have moaned about cost, date, your involvement in the hen, your (lack of) involvement in the wedding, your sister's friends having a conversation without you. You seem very focused indeed on yourself and your own wants/needs. It sounds like in response to your moaning she has moved the hen and reduced its cost. I get that your placement is starting but you can come back one day early. You haven't mentioned why your sister went with the chosen dates - I imagine that there is some reason why she chose those dates.

If your only issue was "My sister is holding her hen when I can't go" I would have more sympathy, but your posts are full of general moaning rather than just this specific complaint, which may give some explanation as to why she is giving you short shrift. Frankly I wouldn't be bothered to move my hen (again) to accommodate a whiner for fear of the smacked bum face phenomenon mentioned by Kerala above.

BTW my sister had her hen earlier this year. I couldn't go on the date she picked, she didn't ask me and erroneously assumed I was free. I'm doing okay...!

Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 30/08/2017 15:22

Ok. So consensus is i should go and come home a day early and stop planning with the other two bms and let then do it ? What if dsis and my mum then start having a go at me for not helping? I'll look like I've just thrown my toys out the pram and already saying I'm not doing enough for the wedding. At least I can plan the hen without having to bulldoze her for information. She's upfront with information about the hen at least.

OP posts:
Gizmo79 · 30/08/2017 15:25

Seriously, just speak to the ward you are going on placement on.

What do you think happens when you qualify?

People move shifts around all the time for trained and for students.

It really is not a drama.

grannytomine · 30/08/2017 15:25

Is there an earlier flight on the Monday? Might be less of an issue if you are there till the last day. Your placement is more important thought so if I were you I would go home on the Sunday unless you can get an earlier flight on the Monday and yes I would let them get on with it, you have more important things to worry about than planning a hen do.

Hope the placement goes well.

Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 30/08/2017 15:26

But gizmo I have to take time of for her wedding (it's not local) about 6 weeks later.

Also I don't want to have loads of time to make up having 3dc and doing the 40 hours a week is quite enough 😂

OP posts:
Gizmo79 · 30/08/2017 15:30

I get that, but you are only doing 3 LD's or N a week.
The week of the wedding just request to do 3 N's starting from Monday and the following week LD's tues wed and fri. For example.

We do this all the time, just charm the student off-duty organiser!
As long as you are meeting the amount of hours with your mentors then it's not a prob.

(And unless you have taken a lot of time off with previous placements then you should be well over anyway) that's how it's done, to make sure that you will get through with an excess of hours.

Hope that helps.

grannytomine · 30/08/2017 15:34

Gizmo it can be hard though if the mentor maybe has holiday booked and you haven't got much flexibility. My son missed two weeks of a placement, due to an operation, and then his mentor was on leave and he had very little flexibility after that as he needed to work the same shifts as mentor. Don't know if it always works like that.

PNGirl · 30/08/2017 15:35

Looking at this completely objectively, your sister and her 2 friends are leaving you out on purpose and your sister is covering for them doing this by telling your mum you aren’t helping enough. This is exactly what happened to one of my friends when her older sister got married, and they had a spectacular fallout when their mum took the bride’s side. This unfortunately means there isn’t much you can do as she doesn’t truly want your input.

Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 30/08/2017 15:39

Gizmo I'm mental health so we do 5 8hr shifts. I wish it was long days 😭

OP posts:
MadMags · 30/08/2017 15:42

You're very "me me me". Are you always like that?

MaisyPops · 30/08/2017 15:45

You're very "me me me". Are you always like that?
What a sympathetic and constructive contribution. I'm sure the OP will find that very helpful.

Original poster
olaflikeswarmhugs · 30/08/2017 15:48

Not usually I'm usually very easy going and low maintenance. But because i am the only one who doesn't have flexible dates that's what I look like on the hen weekend group chat. Which I hate. I'm the only one actually asking any questions. I feel so awkward. And I know everyone else thinks it too I can practically hear their eyes roll from their homes when I post on the chat.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 30/08/2017 15:50

Have to say OP, after all the drama about the hen do two months ago, how much it was going to cost, the trouble with your placement - that was drama enough and now all THIS?

You are placing far too much emphasis on your sis' mad hen weekend and adding to the whole dramatic nature of this nonsense. It really is quite simple, as we said last time.

You don't go to the hen. You do go to the wedding. You say your placement won't allow you time off for both (no need to mention the costs or the supposed not being involved). And if they have an issue, well, quite honestly, it's their problem, family or not, put yourself first and focus on you and your career.

KindleBueno · 30/08/2017 15:59

Aah. There we have it. You don't want to put yourself out but expect your sister and everyone else to. That's very selfish OP.

AvoidingCallenetics · 30/08/2017 16:06

If I had 3 dc and a full time job there's no way I'd be giving up 5 days to go on someone else's hen do.

AvoidingCallenetics · 30/08/2017 16:08

You are not selfish. I think some people don't understand the pressure of a placement and needing to do a certain number of days to qualify. Esp givrn that yoh eill need time off for the wedding.

Butterymuffin · 30/08/2017 16:08

But everyone else has just said 'fine' to everything. It's not like other people specified dates too. I don't know who can plan a trip away without asking the questions the OP did, but there you go.

Butterymuffin · 30/08/2017 16:10

OP, I would either go for the shorter time period, or just give your apologise, but either way, be super sweetness and light about it. That gets past a lot of muttering. Set your boundaries but enforce them with a smile.

Gorgosparta · 30/08/2017 16:15

You should cone home early.

Stop planning surprises. Sounds like she wants to know what going on.

Offer help to your sister.

I am not a fan of these huge hen weekends. But at the end of the day its her hen weekend. Stop making ut all about you.

On a trip with loads of people, the dates that suit the majority will be picked. It really sounds like you are doing your best to cause an issue.

PowerPantsRule · 30/08/2017 16:21

I don't think OP is 'me me me ' at all!

Rafflesway · 30/08/2017 16:27

I'm still coming round with smelling salts at the thought of 5 DAYS on Tenerife and the cost of same 🙀. Crikey, your sister and her pals must have money to burn! You have 3 DC and are a student nurse and yet apparently you are the difficult one OP.🤔 Think I must live on a different planet!

Your sister sounds like Bridezilla along with her bitchy mates. This hen do sounds like a very expensive holiday from hell to me!

OP, I would definitely be feeling as you do although I am a cynical old cow but I just wonder how much your DSis would put herself out for you if roles were reversed? If you really want to go then I would suggest coming home on the Sunday/Monday if you can obtain a flight for the right price. I certainly agree your placement if FAR more important.

diddl · 30/08/2017 16:38

"I don't think OP is 'me me me ' at all!"

I'm not getting that impression either!

All I can see is that OP asked for certain dates-everyone else was flexible & even that didn't happen!

I must have had a very simple wedding as when I see posters saying to help her sister, I think "help with what??!!"

Surely if Op has offered to help if necessary then that's enough?

KERALA1 · 30/08/2017 16:40

Honestly OP just don't go. I see it from their point of view they may be young single high income and week in Tenerife will be a fab thing to do.

You are not in the same position with inflexible job and kids so the sensible thing to do is cheerfully bow out.

The WORST thing to do is what you are doing - fuss fuss fuss, going back to them with kids/job/placement issues/change this/too expensive etc etc. Just stop. Don't go with good grace and concentrate on the wedding. Frankly I think its gone too far now and if you did go you would create an atmosphere. You say you can sense they are pissed off - you cannot head off for a 5 day trip on that basis you will have fallen out by day 3 for sure and that really would spoil it for your sister.

Mittens1969 · 30/08/2017 16:45

I always get the feeling with these hen holidays that they're vastly overrated and just the opportunity for a mega 'piss up' to use the lingo. In the days when I went to hen parties, you just met with a group of friends, and your DSis, and had a meal out at a restaurant. That was so much easier to arrange, without all this stress.

Yes the OP might sound like she's just whinging, but I think it's because she's just majorly stressed about her student nursing placement and DSis and her mates don't get how important her placement is and are only focused on the hen holiday.

I also think there's a brigade of keyboard warriors on Mumsnet who just love to throw the accusation that the OP is selfish and a drama queen, and that the bride is allowed to be as 'bridezilla' as she wants to be and all the hens must just suck it up.