Dsis hen weekend again aibu to be so upset?

[olaflikeswarmhugs]

I've posted about this before I didn't think I was going to be able to go due to timing and price. The price did come down which was fine but she wouldn't budge on timing apart from bringing it forward one week which was still going to be difficult for me (student nurse on final placement)

So months ago I had started a group chat with the other two bridesmaids to discuss things like themes and surprises for dsis (not my thing but she would love it) but no one has posted on it in ages. Yesterday I had some time so I will looking things up and posted them in the group which started a discussion. So they were both saying exactly what dsis wants for every day and night of the hen themes activities etc and I wondered how they knew this. Turns out dsis had them down to her house for drinks and they had discussed the whole thing. I knew nothing about it. I asked loads of questions about the hen and they knew all the answers and I didn't know a thing.

Just after this all happened my mum called me about something unrelated and I was upset on the phone she asked what was up so I told her briefly what had happened.

Later on she called me again saying she had spoken to dsis and she apparently has no idea what I'm talking about they haven't planned anything and the fact I said I said I only wanted to go so I could go to the water park (I said this as a joke on the group chat and the bridesmaid showed dsis) dsis is distraught at this. And then I got a massive telling off for not helping with the wedding. I didn't know there was anything to be helped with no one tells me anything evidently.

I was so upset last night and I'm still dwelling on it today. And I know I'm being selfish but I just really don't want to miss my sister's hen. But I really am beginning to think she doesn't want me to go I feel like everything is against me I thought that was just unlucky timing but now after the revelation that the whole thing has been planned without me I really did start to think she doesn't want me to go.

OP, I think you need to relax. It sounds like you've got really stressed over this and a lot of it is about other people's expectations of you. I can't relate to the bit about having a sister and I have no idea how close you are (I know that sibling relationships can come with a whole lot if strings attached and history that complicates things beyond a usual close friendship). It does sound like your life is very different to the bride and other hens. You might have far more barriers to attending (ie inflexible work and family) but unless the other people are total bitches they will understand why it is so much more harder for you to arrange. If they don't - do you really want to spend a whole lot of money and reorganise your life to spend 5 days with these people? You will have the rest of your life spend with your sister and oppornities go away with her. You don't need to go on this hen do prove how much you love her. And if you do - that's a whole other thread!

Does anyone else miss when a hen do was one raucous night in the legion with chicken in a basket and a stag do was tying the groom to a lampost and shaving off half of his moustache (usually the night before the wedding?) I'm sick of these circuses. People feeling they have the right to ask others to engagement parties (with gifts) AND hen "weeks" abroad - mega-expensive and having to use up their annual leave and then the wedding - with gifts and usually an overnight stay.

OP - I think there are a couple of key questions you need to ask yourself here.

The main one is can you afford to go ?
I know at the top you've said that you're waiting for someone else to tell you how much it costs, but if you know the dates, then you can work out flight costs, if the accommodation is known how much will that cost and then guesstimate how much you'll need on top.

Bear in mind that the exchange rate with the euro is currently very poor and also even if you intend to be frugal and not to drink, as it's a big group there will be the inevitable kitty and you'll either end up bankrolling everyone else's cocktails or you'll come across as a fun free miser.

I would guess that this hen do would cost you at an absolute minimum £600, but a more likely figure is around £1,000. I think I read up thread that you have DCs - seriously do you want to spend what would be a week in a UK cottage or caravan on a holiday with people you don't have anything in common with.

As lots of people said in the previous thread, take your Dsis out instead, you could make it a nice family occasion - all the ladies of the family for afternoon tea - your treat - and it would still probably cost less than £100 and mean more to your Dsis than going to the hen do.

You can easily go back to your Dsis and the group and say that you've done the calculations and you simply cannot afford it and they should all have a lovely time. Again if you want to do a nice gesture, you could have a bottle of champagne ready for your Dsis in her room on arrival with a special note from yourself.

You're making this a lot harder than it needs to be - just don't go.

strawberrisc it is out of hand isn't it, my son told me what he has spent on stag dos in the last 15 years and I nearly fainted. When you add the destination weddings and his wife going to hen dos it is the price of a small house. Depending on where the house is of course, probably the price of a cupboard in London.

I feel exactly the opposite actually. I wish I and my friends had gone for it more and had full on overseas hens. We are older and they were more modest at that time (mine a good organised night out in city I and most attendees lived). Now we all bogged down with dhs and kids pre marriage and career focussed so earning well it would have been the perfect time for that type of holiday.

I agree with Kerala1 . Provided no one is being forced or press-ganged into attendance, then why not enjoy a nice carefree holiday prior to DCs and marriage.
OP is not being forced to attend - if anything the opposite seems to be happening. I think its good that woman now earn enough to go on independent holidays if they want to.

Ha yes a group of 12 of us mums went on an overseas trip recently - a lot of planning beforehand needed involving dhs working at home, granny to stay, how to manage after school activities etc etc days of fling stuff in bag grab passport long gone...

I think a mums holiday sounds great. I suppose a big difference is that in my day, married in 1970, most brides didn't have kids whereas lots do now. Maybe that is the difference?

Speaking as a nurse,final placement is a big deal and very stressful. If your sister can't see this then she is the selfish one. Having 3 dc is hard add in 3year of a degree the placement. My sister used to help me out when I was in uni by dropping shopping to me and I didn't children then. Nursing is emotionally and physically draining you need to put yourself first. Well done on making it to your final placement and concentrate on smashing it.

When it was being booked, could you not have just said from the outset, I will have to fly home on the Sunday as I start placement on Monday instead of all the hand wringing over it?

Why are hen dos so dramatic? You are all meant to be grown women!!!

sorry, missed if you'd actually spoken to your DSis. I would just say you can't go because of exams and prep and leave it at that, but ask if the two of you can fit a great night out/massage day. She undoubtedly wants you to go but you're getting stressed with all the info (not necessarily accurate) flying in from whatsapp etc.