AIBU distancing myself from a life long friend?

[xShoppingQueenx]

Bit of a long story but I have known my 'best friend' since primary school, we are both early 30s now and we share our friendship group with 4 other girls from primary school, so all our socialising involves seeing each other. I haven't always been in touch with the 4 other girls but always with my friend. We became less close about 4 yrs ago. We live 5mins away but never see each other individually anymore.

She's never been overly supportive. I don't feel like she's ever truly happy for me and would never tell her any good news first. After struggling for years to buy my first home (she already owned hers), the first thing she said was 'how much was it?' She's the type of person who is only happy if you're not doing well or struggling.

Anyway, fast forward and I'm about to give birth to my second child. She got pregnant with her 2nd a month after me but sadly miscarried at 8wks. Our other close friend was pregnant with her 3rd child and I was with my 2nd. It was obviously a very difficult time for her and I understand that completely. However, for the past 9months she has completely ignored my pregnancy. if we go out as a group I will come waddling in and she will just ignore me, she has never asked me how I am or do I know what I'm having, how many weeks etc? Absoluetly nothing in the whole duration. It's been like the elephant in the room. But she will be slyly looking at my bump out of the corner of her eyes. It has been quite unnerving. Each time our group has gone out socialising no one has been able to share my joy and talk about baby because it's obvious by her face that you just can't. She then started dropping out of things if I would be there, didm't come to my baby shower would be very blunt if I texted her, wouldn't like any rare FB posts I put on social media etc. However, she was completely different with our other pregnant friend, asking to see scan pictures, commenting how gorgeous all her bump pics were on fb and always keeping in touch. I felt hurt tbh, this was a friend who I was always happy for and we have known each other for decades.

Fast forward to yesterday. She texted me out of the blue and said 'Sorry I've not mentioned your pregnancy. When are you due? Hope you're well. I just didn't want to talk about your wonderful news or hear all the good things happening to you… but I've got some good news. I'm pregnant now.' She sent the scan and I obviously congratulated her and said how happy I was and I genuinely am. The thing is now she's non stop talking about her pregnancy in the group whatsapp with everyone- something I didn't feel I was allowed to do. The girls used to have to message me in private and she wants us all to meet up for dinner to share her joy. It's just hard hearing everyone talk about it in the group chat as I missed out on that.

On paper I know this sounds like I'm being selfish but I have been so hurt for the past 9months that I just can't 'switch on' and be normal. I've seen her true colours and she's not the type of person that I feel I want in my life. The fact that she was so lovely to our other pregnant friend makes it feel personal. I can't cut her off because she's in the same friendship group but is it wrong to not want to be as close as we were at school?

It sounds like your friend was hurting regarding her own pregnancy.

I think it's fine to distance yourself as you clearly weren't great friends before. However, I think you vastly underestimate how incredibly hard a miscarriage is. I have had 9 and watching someone have a successful pregnancy is difficult. You are thrilled for the person but devastated at your own loss and feel like everyone is watching you for your reaction. It's harder with people you are closer too as they know you better.

You mention your friend hasn't been around for your pregnancy but equally don't mention any support you have provided for helping her come to terms with the baby she lost. Doesn't sound like a genuine friendship you both are probably best moving on.

I can understand why she was upset at your pregnancy when she miscarried but odd she was fine with your friends pregnancy. It seems like now all is well again in her world she expects you to just forget the way you've been made to feel (when it's not your fault) and I'd be inclined to distance myself from this person a little too, seems like she isn't happy for you unless all is going well for her.

Your friend has obviously found her miscarriage and the group pregnancies very difficult to deal with. I am of the opinion you should cut her some slack and show her some kindness.

The fact she has texted you says to me she is holding out an olive branch to you. In your place, I would text her back and arrange to meet for a coffee. Congratulate her, let her speak and then say that you realise it was a difficult time for her, but now you are thrilled and are looking forward to your LOs growing up together. Then leave the ball in her court and see how things go.....

It sounds like she's a foul-weather friend I'm afraid.

Only happy when you're not.

Length of time knowing someone does not stop them from being a foul-weather friend I'm afraid.

YANBU! She is not a true friend, if she had been the same with your other pregnant friend I would have thought she was struggling and been kind.
I would not attend the meal and start to distance myself from her. You may discover that others feel the same way about her.

I say cut yourself some slack and drop her.

She sounds awful. And it's because she targeted you. If she was the same with any of her friends who was pregnant, that would be different.

My only concern about you getting back 'in', is what happens if she unfortunately looses this baby. She is likely to be unable to cope with your new-born, causing the same situation to repeat for the next few months.
I don't understand what it's like to loose a baby, but I do understand having to hide a pregnancy from a hurting friend. I will never get that time back and our relationship has never recovered, DD is now 3.6.

Yes, I do feel that she was reaching out and offering me an olive branch and I was always texting her after her loss, I arranged for a cake morning with the girls to cheer her up (she didn't know about me then) and kept in touch asking how she was etc. The fact that she was the complete opposite with our other friend is what is hurting me and I don't yet feel ready to meet her for a coffee to discuss things. Sorry for your loss Beachmummy23, I know my friend was hit hard.

This isn't her grief, this is her personality.

She singled you out of her two pregnant friends and specifically made you feel like shite for 9 months (but gushed over the other friend's pregnancy) because she had a miscarriage?

Bullshit.

Does she next get to escalate and physically assault you if she suffers a greater tragedy in her family because you're her personal punching bag?

Why aren't your other friends standing up to her shit?!

It sounds like she's distanced herself from you already tbh. Pregnancy, I've found, is something that is only truly exciting to those directly involved. For many reasons like mc, ttc, not being interested etc means that often it's a topic not worth discussing unless someone specifically asks. I do feel sorry for you that shes missed out on the excitement of your news but she's been struggling with a loss that can make people act a bit out of character. Though ive never acted like uour friensd, ive been on both sides this, many womwn will have been.f you don't want to be friends with her then don't be, I don't think you need a reason.

I think youre being incredibly harsh. You've clearly got no idea how difficult a miscarriage is and then subsequently ttc again. And if you got pregnant at the same time, everytime she saw you was a reminder to her of what she'd lost. Im not surprised she didnt want to talk about your pregnancy or baby. Its not that she wouldnt have been happy for you. Personally i would have understood this and not wanted to talk much about my own pregnancy in your position as it would have made me feel awkward and awful.

Just let the friendship fizzle out naturally?

I think she sounds selfish. I was in the same boat as you and your friend, I was your friend, except I maybe didn't have as close contact with my friend as you all do. Yes I was very sad, and found it hard to be around her when pregnant (but I didn't avoid her), and even now when I see her 10 year old I (secretly) think about the little boy that is not here, but I congratulated my friend, I saw her after she had given birth, gave them a present, and have never (hopefully) made her feel awkward. (I did go on to have DD2 and DS1) but have never forgotton my 10w loss.

It's an awful position to be in for everyone. But everyone needs to be sensitive to come out the other side, with friendships intact.

She's a poor excuse for a friend. And yes I struggled to conceive and yes I've had a miscarriage. I never thought it gave me carte blanche to behave like that to pregnant friends.

I would have had a little more sympathy for her if she hadn't singled you out from your other pregnant friend.

I can understand you having had enough and if it wouldn't cause too much problem within the friendships group cut her out, but if there is any part of you wanting to continue the friendship then arrange a meeting and tell her how you feel and go from there.

Why not ask her why she seemed to be ok with the other friend's pregnancy but not yours. Don't load the question emotionally - just ask.

Yes, it's a hard one. Maybe I am being a little unreasonable and need to be a bit more understanding. Like I mentioned I would be able to understand a bit more if it wasn't for our other friend. But seeing it in black and white, it is clear that she hasn't been a good friend for a long time (way before this year) and I just need to still be a friend but keep my distance. All the other girls know what she's like, she's not the easiest person of the group and she has rubbed everyone up the wrong way in the group over the years, but as adults we just ignore it.

I think you sound very self centred and lacking in empathy. She suffered a terrible loss, my cousin couldn't even leave the house for a year after a miscarriage, in case she accidentally saw a pregnant woman or baby.

who knows why she found it easier to cope with the other woman, maybe she had a feeling your two babies would be the same sex, and the other woman's was different. Or something. These things are not deliberate, or rational.

I don't think you sound like you like her, or are a good friend to her, so don't be friends if you don't want to, but don't imagine in your head that you are the injured party in any way.

I just didn't want to talk about your wonderful news or hear all the good things happening to you…

I find this interesting - that's she singles out 'you' rather than talking about 'others/other people'. From what you have described you have somehow have been a focus of her grief; I suppose you know best whether this is a 9 month blip driven by her understandable grief, or if it's reflective of an underlying jealous/competitive edge to your relationship. If it's the latter you might do better to keep your distance.

You missed out on a few whatsapp chats about your pregnancy with your group of friends? Her loss was significantly greater. If you were a true friend to her, you would be genuinely delighted that she is pregnant again after her loss, and would be straight over to see her regardless. It doesnt sound like you were really friends to begin with.

I think your problems with her predate all the pregnancies. From bitter experience I would drop her