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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU distancing myself from a life long friend?

108 replies

xShoppingQueenx · 30/08/2017 07:12

Bit of a long story but I have known my 'best friend' since primary school, we are both early 30s now and we share our friendship group with 4 other girls from primary school, so all our socialising involves seeing each other. I haven't always been in touch with the 4 other girls but always with my friend. We became less close about 4 yrs ago. We live 5mins away but never see each other individually anymore.

She's never been overly supportive. I don't feel like she's ever truly happy for me and would never tell her any good news first. After struggling for years to buy my first home (she already owned hers), the first thing she said was 'how much was it?' She's the type of person who is only happy if you're not doing well or struggling.

Anyway, fast forward and I'm about to give birth to my second child. She got pregnant with her 2nd a month after me but sadly miscarried at 8wks. Our other close friend was pregnant with her 3rd child and I was with my 2nd. It was obviously a very difficult time for her and I understand that completely. However, for the past 9months she has completely ignored my pregnancy. if we go out as a group I will come waddling in and she will just ignore me, she has never asked me how I am or do I know what I'm having, how many weeks etc? Absoluetly nothing in the whole duration. It's been like the elephant in the room. But she will be slyly looking at my bump out of the corner of her eyes. It has been quite unnerving. Each time our group has gone out socialising no one has been able to share my joy and talk about baby because it's obvious by her face that you just can't. She then started dropping out of things if I would be there, didm't come to my baby shower would be very blunt if I texted her, wouldn't like any rare FB posts I put on social media etc. However, she was completely different with our other pregnant friend, asking to see scan pictures, commenting how gorgeous all her bump pics were on fb and always keeping in touch. I felt hurt tbh, this was a friend who I was always happy for and we have known each other for decades.

Fast forward to yesterday. She texted me out of the blue and said 'Sorry I've not mentioned your pregnancy. When are you due? Hope you're well. I just didn't want to talk about your wonderful news or hear all the good things happening to you… but I've got some good news. I'm pregnant now.' She sent the scan and I obviously congratulated her and said how happy I was and I genuinely am. The thing is now she's non stop talking about her pregnancy in the group whatsapp with everyone- something I didn't feel I was allowed to do. The girls used to have to message me in private and she wants us all to meet up for dinner to share her joy. It's just hard hearing everyone talk about it in the group chat as I missed out on that.

On paper I know this sounds like I'm being selfish but I have been so hurt for the past 9months that I just can't 'switch on' and be normal. I've seen her true colours and she's not the type of person that I feel I want in my life. The fact that she was so lovely to our other pregnant friend makes it feel personal. I can't cut her off because she's in the same friendship group but is it wrong to not want to be as close as we were at school?

OP posts:

travis45 · 30/08/2017 11:19

I personally would distance myself.

As someone who has pcos and suffered miscarriages in between successful pregnancies I don't think it's fair for people who have suffered or infertility to be nasty to someone who is pregnant then expect everything to be dandy when they get pregnant.

Trb17 · 30/08/2017 12:17

She's using exclusion as a weapon.

Classic playground nasty girl tactics.

Leave you out but gush over your friend = exclusion.

MC is awful... but many of us cope with it without being hurtful and unkind to our friends.

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 30/08/2017 13:11

Sounds like there is more to this friendship than you are letting on (or even know yourself).

Emmeline123 · 30/08/2017 13:17

The miscarriage issue is a tricky one. She might have found it harder to have seen you pregnant than to have seen the other friend pregnant because she imagined her child growing up with yours etc. It sounds like she's closer to you than she is to the other woman. I imagine it would be harder for me to watch eg my sister's pregnancy than that of an acquaintance if I had suffered a miscarriage.

I think you need to compartmentalise the pregnancy issue and analyse her behaviour otherwise. Certainly it's possible that your friendship is one of rivalry rather than true support as can often be the case with very old friends. Personally I try to avoid "friends" who don't wish me well.

CruCru · 30/08/2017 13:37

Honestly? Your friends are meant to make you feel good about yourself. This person has been off with you for four years and other people have noticed.

Sometimes even old friendships run their course. It sounds as though this one has. I wouldn't tell her that she made you feel bad - she would deny it but I think this would secretly please her.

Give yourself permission to miss some meet ups. Make time for other people and this person (and the others in the group) will become less important.

AmysTiara · 30/08/2017 13:38

I think she's jealous of you and was intentionally gushing over the friend to make you notice and feel bad.

She's not a friend.

Babbitywabbit · 30/08/2017 13:40

Good advice crucru

She obviously knows exactly what she has done, (hence the text) so perhaps the most powerful thing to do is be gracious (which you've been, congratulating her on her pregnancy etc) but nothing more.

She hasn't been a true friend at all

CoughLaughFart · 30/08/2017 14:01

Your friend has obviously been through an awful time. I have never been through a miscarriage and can't imagine what it must be like.

However, your friend didn't know she was going to have a miscarriage when she made you feel second best about your home and career. Something that happened a year ago doesn't make her behaviour two or three years ago okay. There are pre-existing problems in this friendship.

I won't make myself popular by saying this, but the miscarriage - combined with the length of your friendship - will become her 'get out of jail free' card. If you dare to question her behaviour, it will be her excuse. You pull back, it will be 'How can you treat your oldest friend like this?!' Look at how some people on this thread - complete strangers - are reacting because you've even suggested a miscarriage doesn't mean you can behave as insensitively as you like. It will be ten times worse in real life.

I would avoid both confrontation and her where possible. You'll get painted as the bad guy to the rest of your friendship group. Stay friendly, but accept that you're not really friends.

I speak from experience. Many years ago I realised a long term friendship had gone into terminal decline. I was planning to pull back - then he became seriously ill. I couldn't abandon him after that, but even now, years on, he still uses his condition as an excuse for any behaviour he feels like.

RibenaBerryPie · 30/08/2017 17:55

I agree with PP - distance yourself and re-evaulate your friendship with her.
I've been in a similar situation, and for the sake of your other friendships, it might be best to avoid any big confrontations.

Unfortunately, once things have been said and done, you can't turn the clock back. I was never able to see one of my friends in the same way and the sadly the friendship never recovered.

Pantryboy · 30/08/2017 18:00

I think you need to look after yourself and your family OP your 'friend ' sounds horrible tbh . Get rid of her.

mummmy2017 · 30/08/2017 18:18

I am so pleased the other women in your group have noticed her attitude.
I think even if they have never said anything they must respect you for not making it a crunch point in the friendship group.
Also this woman will not be able to help herself, someone else in the group will upset her and cause her to bully them, she will have the younger baby, so will always be playing catch up with development issues and it means she will turn on someone else, let this happen then the group will turn on her, without you having to do anything...
Softly Softly catchie monkey.....

emmyrose2000 · 31/08/2017 10:52

I think youre being incredibly harsh. You've clearly got no idea how difficult a miscarriage is and then subsequently ttc again. And if you got pregnant at the same time, everytime she saw you was a reminder to her of what she'd lost. Im not surprised she didnt want to talk about your pregnancy or baby. Its not that she wouldn't have been happy for you. Personally i would have understood this and not wanted to talk much about my own pregnancy in your position as it would have made me feel awkward and awful

This. There are some horrible responses on this thread, from people clearly lacking in compassion or understanding of what it's like to lose a baby. No, losing a baby/being infertile isn't a free card to be awful to people, but it's certainly a reason as to why people find it hard to find joy in other womens' pregnancies.

As for why she was off with you, but not the other pregnant friend - you and the lady who miscarried were going to be at the same "stage" - jumping from one child to two, etc. The other pregnant lady was at a different life "stage", as she was going from two to three. Both very different dynamics. You had what miscarried lady wanted and was going to have, but ended up losing (second baby). Third lady was a bit different, so her pregnancy wasn't quite as much of a "threat" or reminder.

MagdalenLaundry · 31/08/2017 11:00

I think pp posters are being harsh on you
It would be different if she had treated the other pregnant friend the same but she didn't
She wants you lower down the scale than she is. She is no friend to you. Distance yourself there is nothing to lose

LisaSimpsonsbff · 31/08/2017 12:15

I just can't understand why some posters can't see that a woman who has had a miscarriage could be more upset by some pregnancies than others without it being deliberate and malicious.

Piratesandpants · 31/08/2017 13:08

But she IS being deliberately unkind to op. No ones saying she shouldn't be upset but jeez, that's no excuse for her behaviour.

travis45 · 31/08/2017 13:14

Going with what op has told us she is deliberately being unfair & unkind.

There is absolutely no need for that type of behaviour towards someone, not a friend in my eyes.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 31/08/2017 13:14

I just can't see how she's being deliberately unkind over the pregnancy. It may well be that, as the OP says, this friend has always been competitive and liked to put OP down - in that case, that's a reason to end the friendship in and of itself. But I just don't see why so many people think her response to OP's pregnancy was malicious rather than the product of genuine hurt.

MsJuniper · 31/08/2017 13:18

Gosh I was about to send a similar message to a friend. I have had 6 mc and have had to distance myself from anyone pregnant, particularly close friends - for some reason it's easier with people I don't know so well.

I am now 9 wks which is the furthest I've got in 5 years so was hoping to hold out my own olive branch and reconnect. I had one friend in particular who became pregnant at the same time as my last mc and that has been very difficult, but she has been great at acknowledging it.

I know I have been a really shit friend but it really is the most extraordinary, all-consuming pain and there is no way of lessening it while you are still ttc. My heart goes out to your friend and I hope you can give her another chance.

MrsNoMates · 31/08/2017 13:26

I think it will easier for you to slowly drop this woman now because when the baby is born you can (and probably will) be "far too busy" to bother with this woman as it will be your perfect excuse. You obviously can't say anything to her because she will make it look like you dropped her because she ignored you're pregnancy when she had a miscarriage, when obviously you know that's not what has really happened.

Like someone else said, it sounds like she has always thought of herself as doing better than you, then when you got pregnant etc it's changed the dynamics. Sounds like she's in a competition with you only you're not playing along but it still makes her feel better to get one "up" on you and she loves it when things go wrong for you.

I would drop her by suddenly getting very busy! Maybe even try and make some new friends via baby groups etc to get super busy with!

GrockleBocs · 31/08/2017 13:28

I wonder if the other pregnant friend has had a previous miscarriage and therefore the friend somehow feels differently about her.

Piratesandpants · 31/08/2017 13:36

Msjuniper - it's incredibly insulting to your friend to forget your behaviour, do you expect her to start gushing over your pregnancy too?
I have no idea why people think if they are struggling with fertility they can behave appallingly. Of course it's upsetting and if needs be, i don't understand why s person can't. E a grown up and talk to their friend about it rather than just ignoring them of being unpleasant.
Yes, I strugggled with infertility through friends' pregnancies without making any drama. I was also the one who got pregnant when my friend didn't.
People need to behave like grown-ups, including how to behave even when they're very upset.

MsJuniper · 31/08/2017 13:45

How lovely, pirates. I hope you never have to experience the same.

Piratesandpants · 31/08/2017 13:46

Did you read my post juniper???? I already have.

travis45 · 31/08/2017 13:49

I have no idea why people think if they are struggling with fertility they can behave appallingly. Of course it's upsetting and if needs be, i don't understand why s person can't. E a grown up and talk to their friend about it rather than just ignoring them of being unpleasant.
Yes, I strugggled with infertility through friends' pregnancies without making any drama. I was also the one who got pregnant when my friend didn't.
People need to behave like grown-ups, including how to behave even when they're very upset.

So true!

Trollspoopglitter · 31/08/2017 14:19

"I just can't understand why some posters can't see that a woman who has had a miscarriage could be more upset by some pregnancies than others without it being deliberate and malicious"

Of course we can see how she could be more upset. However, this is a discussion about the maliciousness of her actions.

Plenty of people have suffered and manage not to ACT maliciously as a result.

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